56. Dax

Chapter fifty-six

Dax

"The stars aligned the day we met and fell in love."

3 months later

I hate waiting.

The uncertainty, the not knowing.

After my first appointment with the doctor, I felt so overwhelmed, so enclosed that as soon as we got through the door back home, I begged for Jae to cut my hair. The length was too much. The weight of it got too much, everything got too much for me; and the only idea I had in my head was to get rid of the one thing I could see weighing me down.

Thankfully it was an instant relief. An unwanted weight disappeared.

We're currently waiting for my feedback from ten long weeks of assessments and endless appointments. The room we're currently sitting in is intimidating. The walls are too plain, too white. The seats are extremely uncomfortable and the TV in the corner of the room is too loud. Anxiety runs rampant in my mind, I'm unable to think about anything. I forgot my headphones at the house in a panic, and the backup in the car has no charge. I also decided not to wear a jacket today so I can't distract myself with the sleeves.

I need to focus, but I can't.

Everything is too loud.

My hands become sore from the pressure of itching, the skin coming away slowly, starting to bleed.

I feel uncomfortable. I want to run but I can't.

I'm so tired.

My palms are sweaty, and I feel too hot.

My throat feels dry, and I'm scared I might forget to breathe.

Jae must notice the fear in me too because without a word, he grasps my hand in his own, "One, two, three. Remember?"

One, two, three.

He's been helping me the last few months, finding new ways to cope when I'm overwhelmed. A few weeks ago, I ran again in the middle of the night, and he found me sitting and talking to Mum. He raised the idea of getting a plaque for her on the bench underneath the living room window near the sunflowers because he got too worried I'd try to run again and he wouldn't be able to catch me. I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to feel as though I was taking over his whole house. He surprised me three days later with a plaque made similar to the one we have in the store, and the one on Mum's bench. This one, he commissioned Idah to make.

She's still distant with us, but she's getting better. She hasn't explained where she runs off to. I've tried to ask her, but we don't push one another. We're just there for when the other falls. Tyler and Novah have also been helping me a lot recently. Novah especially has helped me in more ways than I can ever thank her for. She became another friend to me I didn't think I deserved. I apologised for the way I'd been acting around her and she shut me down saying I had nothing to apologise for. She's good for Tyler. She's exactly what he needs, and I think he's exactly what she needs too.

"Dax Whitmore," Doctor Webb calls from the third room to the right.

"Do you want me to come in with you or do you want to go in alone?" Jae asks, already standing from his seat. I nod, squeezing his hand tighter as he waits for me to lead the way to the room.

Don't leave me.

"Hi, Dax, Jae. It's nice to see you both again. How have you been feeling?"

How have I been feeling?

"I'm okay." The truth. "I'm feeling good, I think. I'm overwhelmed, but I'm good."

I can feel the pressure of Jae's hand squeezing mine tighter.

"Good. I'm glad. I really am. Well, I have your results. Do you have any questions before I explain them?" She smiles.

I shake my head in hesitation.

I just want to know.

I need to know.

"I know the last few weeks have been hard for you both." She turns her body to face me. "I know you've felt confused, Dax, unsure of a lot of things. I know you have too, Jae, but I think you will both be pleased with the results. I know how important this is to you, and I really hope it offers you a sense of ease and understanding. As you're both aware, we've carried out a lot of tests. I know sometimes they feel pointless, but they definitely help." She takes a deep breath, showing me a soft smile.

Oh no. Something is wrong. I can feel it.

"Dax, after all the tests, we have found that you are neurodivergent. You do have autism. I know you were worried you wouldn't be. But, I am so pleased I can confirm to you that you are. I know times have been hard for you. I know you've struggled. I just hope this allows you to have some understanding. I hope this explains things for you. Things you've been feeling, things you've been thinking. I hope this makes some kind of sense for all of that. I'm sorry you've suffered for so long. I'm sorry we couldn't help you sooner. I'm sorry for everything that's happened. But, I'm here to help, though, we're going to help. We can take the next step together."

The world stops spinning on its axis and time ceases as the ringing in my ears blocks out everything else.

Dizzy, I feel dizzy.

Everything and everyone around me have now disappeared.

The sound of the teenager who'd just lost his mum's tears fills my ears. The begging, the pleading. "No, no, no. I can't do this without her." Then I feel the love I got from my brother, who became my guardian overnight without any warning. I feel the love from my partner who's loved me no matter what. I feel the love from my two friends who have brought a greater meaning to my life than I ever knew. I feel the gratitude I had for the man who made me realise I wanted a record shop in the first place.

Does this mean I'm finally going to be okay?

Can I finally stop being afraid?

Or does this mean everyone is going to leave me, for good?

I take hold of the dog tag in one hand and squeeze it firmly, bringing it to my lips. Pressing a kiss against it, I whisper the only thing I know to say right now, "You were right all along, Mum."

Does it make sense?

An intense feeling overtakes my body. For so long I've felt as though I've been carrying a heavy weight. One I haven't been able to discard. And suddenly that weight is starting to lift.

I think I feel relieved.

Does this finally mean I will be understood?

Was my fear misplaced all along?

From my side, I hear a whimper. I thought I'd be the first to cry, but I'm not. It's Jae.

He takes hold of my hands tightly and brings both of them towards his face, and for a few moments, silently, he lets the tears fall before bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing my knuckles.

Again, and again.

"Are you okay, Mr Summers? Would you like a glass of water?" the doctor asks.

"No thank you, Doctor, I'm okay. Actually, I'm better than okay." He beams towards me, still holding onto my hand tightly.

"I know this is the outcome you both wanted. I just want to ask you, Dax, how are you feeling about it all? I can imagine you're shocked. But do things make sense to you now?"

"I don't think a lot of the things I do will make sense. For a long time, I thought I was broken. I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't understand why I did some of the things I did. I didn't understand why I felt the way I felt. I was scared I wasn't good enough. Scared I'd never be loved or fall in love, I mean, I still feel those things, they aren't magically cured." My heart starts to pound, tears forming in my eyes. "But, I think, maybe I proved myself wrong along the way. I just didn't see it. And this just became a reminder that I'm none of those things I thought I once was. I do deserve to be loved and I am in love with someone who loves me back."

"Who loves you more," Jae whispers into the side of my ear.

"I'm not just depressed, I'm autistic," I whisper.

I want to scream it, I wish I could. I want to shout it to the world; I want everyone to know. Because I'm not ashamed. I was just misunderstood.

Mostly by myself.

And this time, I smile, a real smile. Because now after everything, I think I'm going to be okay.

Neither of us speaks a word as we get into the car after the appointment. Endless thoughts are looping in my mind that I'm unable to control and I don't know how to voice. Probably in his head, too. Instead, I wind down the window, staring out at the greenery outside. Remembering I'd forgotten my headphones and jacket, Jae turned the volume button up high on the radio, drowning out the noise of everything around us. It wasn't until we'd been driving for an hour in the opposite direction that I'd noticed the sign turning off the road, I realised where we were heading.

With it being midday during the week, the botanical gardens are empty. We stroll around inside the glass dome for an hour, hand in hand. Since Jae's started working with Bernie, he's learnt the name of some more flowers and even knows what they represent. He shocks me with how much knowledge he has now, and even manages to beat me before I can teach him about them.

He's my own personal flower. Blossoming into something unique and even more beautiful.

I will never understand how I became so lucky to find him when I didn't understand myself the most. Someone who understood me and didn't care about the differences, but I will also never question it again.

He's my home and I refuse to do anything which will result in me losing him, again.

"I already have a picnic packed in the car if you're hungry, or we can go pick up some food if you want? Whatever you decide." Jae pulls my hand closer to his chest as we walk towards the entrance, making our way back to the car.

"I don't think I'm hungry. But we can sit while you have something to eat."

"No, it's fine, let's get back on the road. I can wait until we're back." His voice becomes hoarse.

Something is wrong. I can feel it.

I find myself dragging my feet across the floor, watching every step I take. But I can also feel his eyes on me. I want to look into them, get lost in them. But I'm scared.

Why is there always something wrong?

Coming to the passenger side of the car, Jae walks towards me, catching my arm before I can pull the door open. "Talk to me, please."

If we were home and I had access to my bike, I'd run away.

I'd escape.

But I can't because I don't want to escape from the man in front of me.

I just want to escape from everything else.

"I don't know what to say, Jae. I don't know what to think or feel. Part of me is relieved. I finally know why I think the way I do. Why I feel the things I do. Why I do the things I do. But at the same time, I know nothing at all. I'm scared I'm going to wake up and find out that this was all a dream." I turn my back to the door, sliding down to take a seat on the gravel on the ground. "Some of me feels happy. I feel like I can finally understand but I also feel sad I waited so long for answers. I feel anger, because there was a reason why I was the way I was, but I hated myself anyway. I feel pain, because the one person who wanted to fight for me so many years ago, isn't here to find out the truth. I feel worried, because I'm scared people are going to see me or treat me differently and I feel lost. Because even though one journey of self-discovery has ended, I have a whole new one yet to begin."

He kneels down directly in front of me, not touching me. He knows when he can't, and he respects my boundaries. "And that's the beauty of it, Dax. We've closed one door behind us and now it's time for us to open another."

I take in a deep breath before carrying on. "But, most of all, I think I feel frustrated. I think I'm frustrated with myself for not pushing for this years ago. I'm frustrated I didn't speak up. I'm frustrated for fearing what a doctor might or might not tell me. I'm frustrated because I allowed myself to struggle. I allowed myself to feel broken. I didn't fight –"

"But you did. You've always known you were different, and you embraced it, even when you didn't think you did. You're an amazing brother, an amazing friend. You have your dream job. You know so much about different things. Music and flowers. you're so smart. And I love you with my whole heart." When he sees I've calmed down and my breathing has gone back to normal, he places his hands on my knees. "We promised each other we'd be the stars, right? We'd come back together. We'd search the universe for one another. And that's exactly what we did. We just did it in our own special way. Stars need nuclear fusion to shine, right? This journey is our own nuclear fusion. We just did things in a different way. The Jae and Dax way."

I take in a deep breath. Because he's right.

He's been right all along.

He's never once left my side, even when I tried to push him away.

He still came back to me after getting shot.

He understands me in ways no one else does.

I look up to him, his alluring eyes, the sun reflecting from his dark-hued skin. His curls now fall onto his face. He continues to take my breath away.

My home.

"But what if I do something wrong? What if I push you away, again?" My eyes fill with tears.

Don't cry, Dax. Don't cry.

Too late.

I let the tears fall.

He holds out his hand, gently pressing his thumb to my face as he starts to wipe the tears away. "If that happens, I'll still be here. And we can start over, again."

"But what if next time, it's too late?" I catch my hand with his own. Placing mine over the top. Leaning into his touch.

"Do you know how long stars live for, my pretty boy? Billions of years. That's still too short a time for me to love you. If I must prove that to you every day for the rest of my life, challenge accepted. That doesn't faze me. Sometimes people do things they don't understand, you tried to push me away, and look, I came straight back. I'll always come straight back. Now can we please get in the car, beautiful? Because I'm hungry. And I feel a takeout calling my name."

I snicker at him, still staring into his eyes, as I feel the tightness in my chest finally easing.

"And Dax?"

"Yeah?"

"For you, it's never too late. I promise. Because this," he points between the two of us, "this is just the beginning."

The end.