46. Dax

Chapter forty-six

Dax

"I pray every day that you're okay. I hope every moment that nothing has happened. And I love you every second."

Pulling into the car park outside the graveyard, my body feels a sense of relief. I've distanced myself from here recently without realising. This is the longest I've gone without coming here, since we moved back.

Is that why things have been going wrong? Has bad luck been on my side all along?

I know Jae comes almost daily. He comes in search of Idah because she still hasn't replied to any of our texts. Part of me is starting to wonder if she was even a real person and not a figment of our imagination. She hasn't been in work either, yet Cee swears she's fine and he's there waiting for her to come back.

We've tried to get more information from him, which he's been reluctant to share. But we don't want to cross her boundaries either.

"When people go off the grid, it's for a reason," he mentioned when we last spoke about it.

And I've got to respect that, and her.

It's early evening by the time I manage to come here. The sun is starting to set in the distance and it's one of the reasons I love this view so much. The oranges and reds bleed into the blues of the ocean, merging together, creating a blanket of beautiful rays of colour.

I slowly trail my fingers across each stem and leaf of the ivy as I make my way down the path, ignoring the wave of anxiousness that lightly washes over me. Pushing every negative feeling away, wanting to take in this moment and everything around me.

My safe space.

My second home.

I hate that I've spent time away, I hate even more that I don't understand why I did. Before I got to the grave, I quickly made a stop at the florist at the bottom of the high street, picking up two bunches of flowers. Jae has a routine of laying sunflowers for Lottie, but it only feels right for me to do so too. I slowly approach Lottie's headstone, sunflowers already surrounding, showing Jae's stopped by already. My heart fills with pride and love. I will never be able to believe he's mine. And I stand directly in front, placing the pale pink roses – gentleness, admiration, sympathy – in the middle of the sunflowers, bowing my head in respect.

"Where is she, Lottie? I feel lost. I think she's the only one who can understand exactly what's going on in my head and I think I'm the only one who can for her too. I just need her to be okay," I whisper in the wind. I stand and wait a few minutes, wondering if she'll magically turn up, and my chest sinks when she doesn't.

Where do you run to when things get to be too much, Idah?

I slowly turn and walk towards the back gate leading to the cliffs, with my head still bowed, walking straight towards Mum's bench when my breath comes to a halt. Several bunches of sunflowers surround it. Protecting the bench the same way the flowers tattooed on my skin do to me. And for once, I don't find myself crying, I find myself smiling. Laughing. Instead of sadness consuming me, joy fills me. Quickly, I take out my phone and take a photo of the scene in front of me, sending it to Jae, captioning it with the three words I haven't said out loud since I got him back.

The three words I don't tell him enough.

Dax: I love you.

Keeping my phone in hand, I walk closer towards the bench, seeing a silver chain wrapped around catching the sunlight - Jae's dog tags.

I send another photo.

Dax: I think you've forgotten these, soldier. Someone must have wrapped them around the bench in case you came back looking for them.

Jae: No mistake, I did it myself.

Dax: What do you mean?

Instead of texting back, he video calls me.

"Hey, what do you mean you put the dog tags there?" I ask with a confused look on my face.

"You remember what I told you before I left, yeah? Whenever you –"

"Feel overwhelmed, I squeeze tight and don't let go."

"Good, pretty boy, you remember. Well, I thought you needed your mum to have them more than me. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, whenever you feel overwhelmed you can squeeze me. I wrapped them around the bench so you could do that to your mum. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, she will take away the pain. Me and her both will." His beautiful emerald eyes have tears in them and he still looks perfect.

I'm shaking, struggling to breathe.

And so ridiculously in love with this man.

"Hey, baby, breathe with me, one, two, three… good." I instantly follow his instructions. "You're doing so good. Do you need me to come get you?"

I go to reply but I hear another voice come up behind me.

"No, it's okay, Jae, I've got him."

Tyler.

As though we'd slipped back into our old routine again, we both start to walk towards the cliff, taking a seat, hanging our feet from the edge, just like we did as kids. We don't say a word. We soak in the view in front of us and listen to the sounds surrounding us.

The moment Jae heard Tyler's voice, I heard his calm. He told me it was okay to hang up and that he loved me too. I was too shocked to reply as I instantly ended the call. Tyler was my first best friend, for a long time he was my only friend. It pains me, the way we're being towards each other, but as soon as I find the confidence to speak, he beats me to it.

"I'm sorry for the way things have been between us the last few days, D. I shouldn't have barged into your room the way I did. I shouldn't have done a lot of things that night. I'm sorry for being a shit brother when you needed me the most." He inhales a deep breath.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for, Tyler. It was me, I shouldn't have acted the way I did, I shouldn't have shouted at you the way I did. It's not fair. You do everything for me, no matter the consequences. You've never thought twice about putting me or others first. It wasn't right for me to act the way I did. I just got so overwhelmed, things got too much, too quickly. I didn't know what to do. I was angry at the world. But I shouldn't have been angry at you."

He sadly smiles, nodding his head two times. He's listening to what I'm saying. But what hurts the most, is I can't promise I won't do it again.

I continue to speak.

"I know I'm fucked up. I know my head doesn't work right. I know I don't feel like I should. I know I'm broken."

He turns to face me completely, looking at me in the eyes.

"I never want to hear you say those words again, D. You're not fucking broken. You need to stop saying that. You're who you're meant to be. The way you're meant to be. Nobody is broken. I hate that you feel that about yourself, I hate how you think about yourself. I wouldn't have you any other way. You're my baby brother and I'm so fucking proud of you."

The night that Mum died, he was the one to pull me into his arms. He held me while I sobbed. Now it's my turn to do the same for him. Without a second thought, I take hold of his arm, pulling him into me so I can hold him. And he allows it.

"I promised Mum I'd protect you and I've been doing such a fucking shit job recently. I feel like I haven't been a good big brother when I know I can be so much better. You deserve better from me. Mum deserves better from me."

And he breaks.

This is the first time I've seen Tyler cry. Truly cry.

And it feels like a thousand shards of glass have punctured straight into my lungs.

I hold onto him and he holds onto me. Because at the end of the day, we're all that's left.

"You're the best brother I could wish for."

And for the next few minutes, we sit in silence. Holding onto each other, watching the waves battle on the horizon.

"Erm, Ty, are you okay to move? You're giving me a numb arm."

"Oh, fuck, yeah. Sorry, D," he says as he pulls back quickly with a concerned face. I've always been much smaller than Ty, but I'm not as weak as he thinks.

"Actually, D, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. I got the notification you locked up the shop and hoped you'd have been here. This is really fucking hard for me to say, so I'm going to spit it out all at once so I don't shy away from it. Please don't get angry, or mad. I just want to help." His face has now turned from worry to dread. I take out the dog tags from underneath my shirt and squeeze. I don't reply verbally, I just nod my head at him to show I'm listening.

"When we were growing up, Mum told me she was worried about a number of things. She noticed the way you reacted to things, the way you dealt with your emotions. What you did wasn't incorrect, it was just different. You've always been different and we've always been so proud. In high school, a teacher approached Mum at parents' evening asking if she'd noticed anything at home. And we both had. I still do, D. She started looking into autism and the meaning of being neurodivergent before she was gone." His voice starts to speed up, he's talking quicker. He wants to get this out as fast as he can. "I thought maybe we were wrong, maybe we were overthinking. But recently, I've been thinking about it more and more. I've been researching more, I want to learn, I want to know, and I want to stress to you, there is nothing wrong with you. It's okay to be different. It's more than okay. But I can't help but wonder, if that's the reason you're confused. The reason you think differently. The reason you feel so much pain. I just want to help, Dax. I will help you in any way I can. But especially after spending more time with Theo and getting to know him, I just spot things and –"

"He reminds you of me," I whisper.

"Yeah, Dax, he does."

Everything around me fades, the only noise I can hear is the waves.

Because Tyler has just said what's been haunting my mind the last several weeks.

He isn't the only one who's noticed how much I relate to Theo.

Autism.

Neurodivergent.

I've heard the words already. I heard the whispers around the corridor at high school. The classes in college. Neither word was new to me.

I was different from those who were around me from a young age, I've known this my whole life. I've spent endless hours comparing myself to others. Wishing that I was the same as them. Praying that one day I would be. But the older I got, the more I knew the wishes weren't coming true.

"You're so lazy, Dax."

"You're so emotionless. So cold."

"You're selfish. All you care about is yourself."

"You're ignorant. Stop ignoring me."

"Why don't you look at me when you speak to me?"

I've heard it all. And it didn't take long for me to start believing the words for myself.

"I know I'm different, Tyler, I've known all along. We both know I've tried the medication. I've tried therapy. It doesn't help. It doesn't work. Nothing works."

"But maybe it was the wrong kind, Dax. Maybe we were doing it wrong. Hell, we'll even get a second opinion, a new doctor. There must be something we can do." His voice reduces to a whisper. "I'll do anything, D. I just want to help. Please, let me help you. You're all I have left."

But do I even want help?

Do I deserve it?

But I owe it to myself.

I owe it to those around me, my brother, my sunshine and my mum. Those who have done everything they can to protect me.

I owe it to the little boy who preferred to be alone than around others

And I owe it to the man I am now, who is endlessly in love.

I sit running my hands through the grass around us. My fingers trailing every blade I come across slowly.

No longer thinking of myself being different in a negative way.

I gently pluck a daisy from the ground, examining each petal closely. Feeling the texture on my fingers. The softness of the flower against my skin. Closely examining the beauty of the small flower that many ignore. Purity, cheerfulness, new beginnings.

Can it be a new beginning for me?

If I seek help like Tyler is suggesting, will the pain stop?

Quickly turning my head, taking in the image of the sunflowers around the bench again, I soak in the flowers that proudly stand on guard. And for the first time in a while, without any thought, I smile. A real, happy, smile, of hope, that everything is going to be okay.