45. Dax

Chapter forty-five

Dax

"I hate knowing you're there and I'm here. I hate knowing I'm not protecting you when you sleep and that I'm not cherishing you when you're awake."

I take back all the times I've joked about Ty singing and playing guitar because as I'm sitting at the counter on the shop floor, he's sitting on the sofas at the back, practising a song he and Frankie are working on, and he's really good.

Not just good.

He's amazing.

Things haven't been the same between us since the night I shouted at him. No, I screamed. We've avoided each other as much as possible, giving little to no eye contact or acknowledgement, but it's the last day of the half term for the boys and after the weekend, they go back to school. I know how much he has enjoyed having them around, it can get lonely it being just the two of us. It doesn't help that I've been in and out of the shop the last few weeks, so knowing he isn't alone makes me feel somewhat better.

But it doesn't stop the feeling of guilt.

Guilt for the things I did, the things I said. He didn't deserve any of it.

And I need to make it up to him.

Next to Frankie, sits Theo. We haven't made any progress with his communication, but he still enjoys sitting next to his brother working on his sketchpad, looking up now and then to watch Frankie's fingers playing the strings of the guitar. He's also started doing the same with Ty, it surprised us both a few days ago when Frankie decided to sit next to him and not his brother.

I could have sworn I saw tears in Ty's eyes that he quickly wiped away.

I've almost finished taping the letters together, it's the only thing I've been able to focus on when I haven't been sleeping. Jae is desperate to read them and that terrifies me. I never thought he would read them and now my thoughts and feelings are going to be there right in front of him and I've never felt more vulnerable.

What if he doesn't feel the same way?

What if I make a fool of myself?

Feeling irritated that I've almost come to the end of another roll of tape, I push myself away from the counter, letting out a sigh, annoyed that I need to go buy some more from the shop when my phone flashes with a text from Jae.

Jae: Missing you, pretty boy.

I smile as I close the message.

I've never been one for texting much, it's similar to writing letters but it's still not the same. Something about putting a pen to paper speaks to me in a way using a phone to type a message doesn't.

It feels more personal.

Lifting my head from my phone, I see Theo walking directly towards me with his satchel on his shoulder. Inside, my body is panicking, instantly thinking that something is wrong. I look towards the sofas, noticing that Tyler and Frankie have stopped playing, but they're watching Theo, also not wanting to make a scene. Ty slowly starts to stand; I can see the hesitation in his face. He's worried he is going to walk out the door. But instead, he comes directly to where I'm sitting, opening his satchel. Both of us are on edge, we don't need to communicate that to know. I sit back, trying to relax, when I notice Theo lifting up the front of his satchel and sliding his hand inside, pulling out a roll of tape. No words are exchanged between the two of us, but he gently puts it on top of the counter, offering me a small smile, quickly turning away, and walking back to the sofas to sit at the side of my brother.

Looking back at Theo, I notice Frankie using hand gestures and not being able to hear what he's saying to which his brother replies with a nod and another smile.

I understand the difficulty of being in a room and not speaking to anyone around. The fear of wanting to but feeling as though you can't, the way you go to speak but your voice doesn't come out. To others, this would be a selfless act. But to someone who understands, it's so much more. The small act of kindness is his way of telling me he's comfortable around me.

He's comfortable with us.

And by the look in Ty's face as he looks over at me right now, he knows that too.

Closing time comes sooner than I thought it would. Ty decided to drop off the boys at home instead of Novah having to come out of her way and pick them up. I don't expect him to come back to the shop, so I decide to go ahead and lock up alone.

I hate the things I said to him, the way I spoke to him. But we're also too stubborn to speak to one another after an argument. We used to argue on and off when we were younger, but I don't think I can recall a time where we had an argument as bad.

I was in the wrong.

And now I'm scared I've pushed my brother away, for good.

But he isn't the only one I owe an apology to; I don't know what came over me when I decided to throw the photo of me and Mum against the wall. It was as though my body had taken over my mind. Before I could stop myself, I let my feelings take over and it was too late.

With the sun still shining when I lock the shutters for the front of the shop in place, I climb on my bike feeling somewhat at ease, the words Idah spoke to me, "it's never too late," ringing in my ears.