32. Jae

Chapter thirty-two

Jae

"I live in constant fear that I'm going to ruin what we have and lose you. I can't lose you, if I do, I lose myself."

It's been three days since I found Dax at the cliffs.

Three days since I kissed him again for the first time.

Three days of being inseparable.

And three days of confirming just how much I am still head over heels for him.

"You could just stay in bed, Tyler said you were okay to take a few more days off," I say as I move my lips from his shoulder to his neck. "You don't have to go in, you can stay here." I continue the line across and up towards his chin. Dax reacts with a soft moan, pulling me closer to him, gently pressing his hand underneath my chin to move my mouth up to meet his. "We've stayed in bed long enough; I can't leave him on his own in the shop forever. He never gets any time off anyway, maybe it's time I give him a few days off." I frown at the rejection, but he's right. Tyler told him to take a few days off, which he has. And he's right, he needs to go back to help his brother.

Carefully wrapping his leg around my waist, Dax manages to flip me over so he's now the one on top.

The person in me is proud he was able to do that, whereas the soldier in me is disappointed someone smaller than me was able to overcome me.

A small part of me deep down can't help but feel like I've failed as a soldier.

I'm nothing.

Noticing Dax's face changing from happiness to concern, I quickly shake the thought from my head.

I'm safe. I'm here. I made it out.

Dax has always been smaller, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I enjoyed the weight on top of me. I move one hand to his hip, while the other hand goes directly to the chain hanging around his neck.

He never took them off.

I then move my hand to his other hip, lifting my own up in an attempt to make him stay in bed longer. He nervously bites his bottom lip as he waits for my response.

"I know what you're doing. But I need to go to work. I'll come back after if you want me to?"

"Are you really asking that question?"

"Well, I don't know, maybe you're sick of me. You might want your own space back."

"I just got you back. You're not getting rid of me again. I'll always want you here. I never realised how empty this house, or my life was without you. It's where you belong. You belong with me." Dax blushes. his pale skin turning a shade of crimson. Pushing myself up, I grip his thighs and take him with me. He's careful where he positions his leg on my side next to my wound, anxious he's going to hurt it.

That's right, you're still strong enough.

His body melts into mine as he relaxes and lays his head on my shoulder. Dax wasn't a fan of me carrying him around at first. It took him a while to enjoy physical touch. But as soon as his body got used to it, He craved it. And I was more than happy to give him everything he needed.

"Are you sure I can't persuade you to stay at home one more day?" my tone pleads in a final attempt, but I'm past the point of caring about looking needy. I want him wrapped around me in my bed forever.

"Sorry, soldier. You could always come with me if you have nothing else to do? The guitar lesson is later today anyway, you'll be coming to the shop then, won't you?" He imitates the worst fake smile and pet lip I have ever seen. Yet, it's hard not to find him looking cute while doing so. "Yeah, I'll be at the shop for four. Gotta do some things first. Need to go see Idah. She hasn't said a word the last few days, which is a little bit out of the ordinary for her. Want to make sure she's okay." I follow by kissing his nose and putting him down so he can get ready to leave.

"You've always been the best at that, sunshine." His face continues to blush as he speaks. He's becoming more like himself the last few days. My chest fills with warmth finally seeing his smile again. The image has haunted my mind for so long. Not anymore.

"What, carrying you?"

"No. Helping people. Making sure they're okay. Protecting us. Being a soldier."

"I'm not a soldier anymore, Dax." I turn on my heel to walk away when he takes a hold of my hand, stopping me, pulling me back.

"And what is a soldier's job?"

"To fight for my country."

"No. To protect. That's what you've done for everyone, no matter who they are. That's what you've always done for me. Wearing the uniform or not, you're still a soldier to me." He moves closer, standing on his tiptoes to press a kiss against my cheek. "My soldier." Kiss . "Always."

"You better get out of this house in five minutes, or I won't let you leave."

"Don't threaten me with a good time." He winks, walking to the other side of the bedroom to collect his clothes. And after five minutes, he's out of the front door.

And I can't wait for him to walk back through it.

I pick up my phone, text Idah twice, and get no reply. It's unlike her, normally she replies straight away. I check in with Dax, asking if she's at work to which he replies instantly, "no". And I can't help but feel guilty. She's been there for me since I moved here, we've been there for each other. It's important to me to make sure she's okay. Grabbing the car keys on the table by the front door, and picking up two bunches of flowers I made earlier, I decide to drive round to the grave to check if she's speaking to Lottie.

Please be speaking to Lottie.

With the car park being empty, which isn't out of the ordinary for this time of day with most people being at work, I'm able to park easily, making my way through the front gate in minutes. Walking down the footpath where Lottie's grave sits to the right, I notice Idah isn't here. No fresh flowers have been placed here today either, so I pop one of the bunches I have in my hands in the flower holder in front of the head stone.

"What's she doing, Lottie?" I say out loud. "I wish you were here. I'm sorry we got to meet too late." I'd normally stick around, but being in the garden today took so long, I don't have much time to spare before I need to get to the store.

But there's one more important stop I need to make before I go back to the car.

Padding my feet through the back gate, Dax's mum's bench comes into sight, and I'm filled with a huge amount of sadness. Sadness for not knowing her, sadness for not knowing this was here, and sadness for Dax and Tyler.

And I prepare myself for one of the most important speeches of my life.

"Hi, Alice, I'm sorry it took so long for me to introduce myself. I'm Jae, and if you didn't know already, I'm the man in love with your son. I have been since the first moment I laid eyes on him. You've raised two amazing men. They are smart, passionate and they talk about you every day." I slowly sit myself down on the bench, I know I need to get to the shop and I'm probably going to be late, but this is more important right now. "I don't know if Dax has told you about me. I wasn't there to protect him for a while, and I think Karma got me for it. In fact, no, I know it did. But I promise you, I'm not going to leave him again. I'm going to protect him; I'm going to make sure he's okay. I just want you to know, I'm here. And Tyler. I'm going to protect them both." My throat starts to get dry; I welcome the burn at the back. "Before I left for Afghanistan, I gave Dax my spare tags. I told him whenever he needed to squeeze, I was wearing the matching pair and I'd be able to take the pain away." I slowly take the tags from my neck, giving them a final squeeze and inhaling a deep breath.

You've got this, soldier.

I pull the clasp at the back, opening the chain, quickly taking off the charm Idah had made me and sliding it into my jean pocket, slowly bringing the tags up close, taking a final look at the one thing that has been with me for years. Every tour, every step of the way. I bring them close to my heart, pressing them against my chest and looking up to the sky. Taking a moment for all the brothers and sisters I've lost on the field, who I know are looking down on me now, hopefully with Alice by their side, aiming a final salute towards them.

It's a new chapter, I don't need them anymore.

I'm no longer a soldier, I'm Jae.

And then I loop the chain around the back of the bench, wrapping it around the wood the plaque is on. "I think he needs you to have them more than me." I take a step back, admiring the tags around the bench. They look as though they belonged there all along. I lean to the side, placing the bouquet in the holder, kissing my fingers once again and placing it onto the plaque

"I've got him, Alice. I promise. I'm not going to leave him again."

Feeling nothing but pride and love, I walk to the car with my head held high, excited to see my love even though we've only been apart since this morning.