31. Jae

Chapter thirty-one

Jae

"I feel like the stars are on my side knowing you chose me."

I drive to the cliffs at record speed, foot flooring the pedal. Luckily, with it being ten at night there is no traffic on the road to stop me from getting there as quickly as I need to. After taking a final sharp right, the empty car park comes into view.

Good. Because parking carefully is my last priority right now.

Driving straight to the front gate, I kill the engine, ensuring the wheels are touching the path in front. My hand aches from clutching the door handle. I can't throw myself out fast enough, and I'm surprised I don't fall to the ground.

Please be here, please be here, please be here.

I ignore the pain in my side as my legs instantly take off into a sprint. That doesn't matter right now. It's not important. But finding Dax is.

"Remember your training, soldier. Focus on nothing else but finding your next target."

I know Dax should be here. There's nowhere else he would run off to. I know he's safe. But the need to find him, to protect him, overrides any other feeling I have right now.

The pathway towards the back gate at the bottom of the cemetery is only a short walk, but at this moment it feels like the longest distance I've ever run. I can feel the numbness of my body, muscles feeling as though I'm running a marathon. My legs no longer feel like my own, acting automatically, without my mind telling them to.

Please be here, please be here, please be here.

My feet instantly start to slow down as I step through the gate, and the air around me rushes into my lungs, finally allowing me to breathe again when I see Dax sitting on the ground in front of the bench with his head in his hands, screaming words laced with emotions into the wind. I wonder if I should wait here, wait until he's calmed or he's stopped speaking, but my heart tells me no.

I need to get to him.

I slowly move towards him. Taking each step one at a time.

"I want to be happy with him. I just want to be good enough for him." His voice breaks.

I need to comfort him. I need to protect him. I need to make sure he's okay.

Slowly moving behind him, I drop to my knees, trying my hardest to make sure he can't hear me. He's too lost in his own sadness to pay attention to anything else around him. He's exhausted, I can tell by the tone of his voice. I can see it in the slump of his body. When I hear the sound of his cries getting louder, the need to protect consumes me. I can no longer just sit and listen. Hesitantly, I wrap my arms around his body, pulling him close to my own. I feel him struggle at first, the shock of not knowing. But as soon as he senses it's me, his body relaxes.

"You're more than good enough for me, pretty boy."

Dax has the tendency to run whenever he feels overwhelmed. When things get too much for him, he removes himself from the situation. It's something I've learnt to understand and accept over the time we've spent together. But it never gets any easier.

I pull him closer to my chest, feeling him shiver due to the coldness. Without a second thought, I take off my jacket and place it around him rubbing up and down his arms for warmth. With my own body now far too overfilled with adrenaline, I can't feel the cold air around me. So, I make it my mission to ensure he's comfortable and warm enough.

He's safe.

"Why did you run like that? Did you have a nightmare?"

"I don't know." His voice is barely above the sound of the wind around us. "I had to protect you."

"Protect me from what, Dax?"

"Me."

Feeling confused, I attempt to spin him around in my arms so he's now facing me instead of looking away. I don't understand what he means by needing to protect me, I'm the one who needs to protect him. With a calm voice, I ask another question, "Why do you need to protect me from you?"

"Because I'll just hurt you again. It's what I do. I hurt everyone I care about. I hurt my brother, I hurt you." His voice remains no louder than the sound of the waves calmly brushing against the cliffs. "I hurt good people."

My heart breaks at his confession. I've wanted to know what was going through his mind since he sent the last letter, but I also didn't want to push to talk about something he wasn't ready for. I almost feel stupid for thinking he could have met someone else, that he got bored of me. Then an overwhelming feeling of regret and anger washes over the sadness. Nothing aimed towards him, all of it aimed at me. Regret for not being able to understand the situation better, for not reading between the lines, and anger for allowing myself to be as hurt as I was.

Is this the reason he stopped writing to me?

Because he thought he was hurting me?

"You're not hurting me, Dax. You don't need to worry about hurting me. I'm more worried about you. You're hurting yourself, not me. Not Tyler. You."

All I can hear is a deep sigh. But I'm too afraid to say anything else right now.

He finally turns in my arms to face me, and even though the sadness in his eyes is evident and he's exhausted, I can't help but soak in the beauty of him.

Bringing my hand to his cheek, I slowly start to wipe away his tears with my thumb, and without a moment of hesitation, I move my face forward, bringing my lips to his. He gasps at the contact, but I swallow it before it can escape. He's no longer crying but the remnants of his tears remain. I lick at his lips, tasting the saltiness left behind, and he moans. He tastes the same. His ocean scent mixed with caramel.

I've missed him so fucking much.

I pull myself back, hearing another moan come from his mouth from the loss of contact.

"You've got to stop running from me, baby, you're scaring me, not hurting me."

"I'm sorry," he replies instantly.

"Don't apologise, please."

I move my arms to his waist and go to stand, pulling him up with me bringing the jacket around him tighter, making sure it keeps all the warmth inside. His eyes quickly fixate on the bench behind us, remaining focused.

It's dark outside with not much light around apart from the stars in the sky. Taking my phone from my pocket, I shine it onto the bench, trying to see what he's staring at, turning up the brightness as far as my phone will go until I recognise the name shining back at me.

And that's when I notice the same plaque that's on the wall in the record shop.

His mum's bench.

I remember.

No longer feeling regret or anger, guilt washes over me instead, hitting me similar to an impact from a tidal wave. The number of times I've been to the grave with Idah to take flowers to Lottie and I didn't realise this was here. The number of times I could have paid my respects to the mother of the man in my arms.

I press a kiss to the side of his neck.

I always knew how much he loved this space, so it doesn't surprise me he managed to get a bench dedicated to her, and it explains why he ran straight here.

"Are you ready to go home or would you like to stay a little while longer?"

With no response, I notice his head tilted up, looking at the sky above. He's always loved the stars, similar to flowers, they brought a calmness to him. I nuzzle my head into his shoulders, bringing him closer to me, my body is starting to feel the cold now so I hold onto him tightly to save any warmth I can.

"But you're missing the stars," his deep voice whispers into my ear.

"I missed one thing. And that was holding onto you." I bring his body closer to mine, with no space in between.

And after five more minutes pass, the sound of the waves gets louder, more violent, the air around us gets colder and he pulls himself away from my body, out of my arms, and takes hold of my hand.

"I think I'm ready to go home now, sunshine."