30. Dax

Chapter thirty

Dax

"When in doubt, follow the stars. They'll tell you what to do."

I awake in a frenzied panic. The last thing I can remember is crying to Jae on his sofa, then I wake up in a dark room which isn't mine. The bed sheets smell like him, but the room is empty. Before opening my eyes, I quickly pat the bed on the left side with my hands, wondering if he's laid beside me.

Empty.

Of course it's empty, why wouldn't it be?

Him coming back feels as though I'm living in a figment of my imagination. I'm finding it difficult to wrap my head around it, I'm struggling to believe it's even true. I feel as though I'm constantly living within a dream and at any given moment something is going to wake me up and I'll find out it wasn't real. And I think that's what scares me the most.

I try to continuously tell myself that everything will be okay, that I'm not dreaming. That he's here and he wants me back. But I just can't bring myself to believe it. No matter how hard I try.

It's as though something is working against me.

Something doesn't want me to feel the happiness I so desperately crave.

But you hurt him, you don't deserve happiness.

Before I can think about what I'm doing, I swing my legs off the bed, pulling back the duvet to stand. Padding my feet around the floor at the edge of the bed, I find my Converse. Not the best run-away shoes. After quickly putting them on and tying the laces, I quietly make my way to the bedroom door listening for Jae, hoping I'm not going to bump into him on my way down.

But also praying he does stop me.

When I can no longer hear him pacing the floor, I open the bedroom door and make a run for it. As I was asleep when he brought me up, I don't know the way out of the bedroom, but thankfully, I notice the room is at the top of the stairs which leads straight to the front door, so I'm able to get out quickly.

You need to run, Dax. If you stay, you'll only hurt him again.

I can't hurt him again.

I can't bring the darkness to my sunshine.

And so, I run.

Again.

Luckily Jae doesn't live too far from the cliffs. The ocean is visible from the cottage so I'm easily able to follow the route to get to the graveyard.

I shouldn't have run. I know I shouldn't have. But I had to.

I had to get away from him so I wouldn't hurt him again.

Tumbling through the entrance gate, I almost trip over my own feet, unaware of my surroundings. I bypass the rows of flowers and ivy, which normally brings a smile to my face. I've always loved how ivy wrapped around the fencing as though it's protecting the headstones. Upholding its meaning – everlasting life, devotion and loyalty. But right now, it makes me feel nothing but sadness.

Coming to the back gate, I push it open with both arms. A force so hard, the hinge could break.

I feel anger, sadness and guilt.

But even stronger, loss.

Making my way over to Mum's bench, I place my feet firmly on the ground in front, allowing my knees to give way, causing me to fall to the floor, and I break out in tears.

"I wish you were here, Mum. You'd know what to do. You'd tell me. I just need someone to tell me what to do. I don't understand what's going on in my head. I don't understand why I am the way I am. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore." My voice becomes hoarse. Turning into a scream the more I cry. My throat starts to burn. "I don't want to feel this way any more, Mum. I just want to be happy." I take a deep breath in. "I want to be happy with him. I just want to be good enough for him."

I rub my face with both hands before I attempt to force myself to stand.

And as though what I said to my mum was a prayer, a deep voice speaks behind me.

"You're more than good enough for me, pretty boy."