28. Dax

Chapter twenty-eight

Dax

"I hope you like the sunflowers I've started drawing on the letters, I know I'm not good at drawing. But I don't see them out here and I miss them. I miss you."

I listen to Jae as he talks about his time in Afghanistan, I'm taking it all in even though it may look like I'm not, he's explaining everything in detail, vivid enough I can imagine the scenes in my mind, which I'm thankful for, but I choose to stay focused on the flowers in front of me. Fixating on the mixture of colours.

It's easier when you avoid eye contact.

And I allow the endless thoughts to swirl.

He was hurt, he could have died, he's here now, but what if he doesn't want me anymore?

How do you apologise to someone when you don't understand why you did something in the first place?

"Hey, pretty boy, give me those ocean eyes."

I listen to his demand.

"What's wrong, Dax? I know it's overwhelming. If you don't feel up for this right now, we can talk tomorrow, or next week. Whenever suits you. We have all the time in the world. I'm not going anywhere."

But he doesn't want me. How can he say he isn't going anywhere?

My lips are trembling, body shaking.

"Can I hold you, please?" he asks with a sadness in his voice. I don't deserve him to be so kind to me. I hurt him.

That's what I do. I hurt people.

I hurt him, I hurt Tyler.

I should say no. I should stand up and walk away at this moment. I know I should. I should push him away. I should push myself away. But I can't bring myself to do it. I can't help but be selfish. He knows I'm not a fan of close contact, but I shock myself twice as much. Without saying a word, I quickly nod once, to which he holds his arms out instantly, pulling me close to him. I bring my head in close, tucking it into his chest, listening to his heartbeat, and I feel like I can finally breathe.

I take both arms, wrapping them around him, holding on as tightly as I can. Unable to let go. He does the same, wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him until I'm sitting on his lap.

But he doesn't want you back, Dax. You hurt him. You'll hurt him again.

The words ring in my ear like the chime from a grandfather clock. Taunting me. Getting louder and louder each time in my head.

I squeeze harder and he lets out a harsh breath of pain as I touch his side.

Fuck, his wound.

"I'm so sorry sun- Jae. I'm so sorry." I pull my arm away from his side, feeling so close to combustion. Feeling the need to cry and beg and plead.

Beg for the forgiveness I don't deserve.

Beg for the forgiveness he clearly doesn't want to give me.

He's just comforting you because you're sad, Dax. He doesn't like it when you're sad. He's just making sure you're okay. He's a nice guy. This is what he does. He protects people. You're just another person he's protecting, nothing more .

I can't hurt him any further. I attempt to pull my second arm away, worried I'm causing him pain. But he doesn't allow me, he holds it in place almost as though he's as afraid of letting go as I am.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm saying the words in my mind, but no matter how hard I try, I can't make them come out.

He's always been so good with understanding what I need before I'm able to know for myself. I wonder if he knows I'm sorry, too?

Everything else around us disappears. I can no longer hear the sound of the flowers swaying in the wind. No longer hear the rustle of leaves from the trees blowing across the ground. No longer hear the birds chirping in the trees. It's as though time has come to a halt and the only thing that matters right now, is me being wrapped in his arms. Him protecting me. Him saving me.

Maybe this is what I've needed all along.

The way my body fits against his like a missing piece of a puzzle. Together, we became whole.

I nuzzle my face deeper, bringing it to the crook of his neck, inhaling his masculine scent. Making me feel as though I am finally home.

Because my home isn't a place, it's him.

And in his arms, is where I want to stay.

We stay locked in each other's embrace for an hour. Neither of us speak, neither of us try to let go. Instead, our bodies come closer.

It's as though both of us are too afraid of letting go because we don't know what will happen when we do.

Will he disappear?

What if I wake up and this is all just a dream?

The sun is now hiding away, not as bright as before, with the wind picking up slightly. But it's still nice enough to sit outside. Any weather is nice enough to sit outside when it isn't raining.

"Do you want to go inside the house, Dax? It's starting to get cold out here."

"No, I'm okay. I just want to stay here," I whisper into his neck.

I'm scared to move in case this is all a dream.

"Do you want me to go get a blanket for you? One of my jackets? You're starting to shiver." His voice is laced with concern.

He's right. I am starting to shiver. But it's not the weather making me shiver, it's the panic. The anxiety. The fear.

"I'm okay," is all that comes out.

"You're not. Hold on, I'm going to carry you inside with me, okay? We can go sit in the living room." It isn't long before he stands and I move my arms from his waist to around his neck, holding on tighter than I ever have before while wrapping my legs around his waist, being wary of his wound, not wanting to hurt him again.

It only takes a few moments for Jae to place me down on a sofa and as he sets me down gently, I take a moment to look around. His living room and kitchen are combined, with large windows where you can watch the flowers from inside. "Wow," is the first thing that comes from my mouth when he moves to the side so I can take in the view completely. And it's breathtaking. More so than being in the field itself. The inside walls are shades of white and cream, contrasting against the brown beams supporting the ceilings, and stone compliments the neutral tones. It isn't something I would imagine Jae would go for in a house, but at the same time, it's everything I thought he would. The open spaces and the fields of green are exactly what he needs after leaving the army.

He deserves the peace after all the hurt he's endured. The army was everything to him. He was proud of the work he did there, he enjoyed it. My heart aches that things are different now.

He comes to view after getting us another bottle of water from the fridge and bends down towards the log burner to start a fire. It doesn't take him long, it's obvious he's mastered how to work it. The smell quickly fills the room. The burning wood mixed with his distant smell of caramel. When he's confident with the flame, he takes a seat on the opposite sofa from me, and instantly, I have a sudden feeling of loss. My thoughts must be as loud as they are in my mind because after he looks my way, he smirks and then comes to join me.

But he keeps a small distance between us.

"You look good Dax -" Before he could finish what he was saying, I become hostile. Too scared of rejection. Too scared of the truth.

I burst into tears, unable to control myself.

Unable to stop.

"Hey, pretty boy. No, no, don't cry." He moves closer to me, wrapping one arm around me, again pulling me into his body.

But it doesn't stop the tears.

He brings me back into his lap, just how he did when we were outside, and starts rocking me back and forth whispering words of kindness and love in my ear.

Everything I don't deserve.

The words, "It's okay, I've got you. You're safe," are the last thing I hear before complete darkness encompasses my mind.