27. Jae

Chapter twenty-seven

Jae

"I was riding through the back roads today and I saw a field of sunflowers. I stopped to take a photo for you. I've stopped to take many photos for you. I can't wait for you to come back so I can show you."

I pace around the kitchen, walking back and forth multiple times, unsure of what else to do. My mind won't stop overthinking, my body can't control itself. I'm unsure of what to think or do because Dax is sitting right outside of my house. On my bench. In my garden. Only a few metres away from me.

Think Jae, think.

But I can't.

I have spent months hoping, somehow, someway, he would come back into my life. I've wanted this for so long, and the moment he does, I feel paralysed. No longer in control of my body. How am I supposed to act calm around him when all I want to do is pick him up and cradle him in my arms? I have an essay memorised in my mind of what I wanted to say to him when I finally got to see him again, everything I want to do to him and at this very moment, I've forgotten it all.

I quickly debate ringing Bee and asking for advice, but at the same time, I don't want to speak to anyone else. I don't want to hear the sound of anyone else's voice, I don't want to acknowledge anyone else's existence.

I just want him.

I need him.

But I'm also scared he doesn't want or need me anymore.

After grabbing a few bottles of water from the fridge, I take another moment to attempt to collect my thoughts, thinking if I'm in need of anything else. I didn't ask if he was hungry and wanted something to eat, maybe I should have prepared some food. The thought of food rattles through my empty stomach, but as good as sounds, I don't think I could eat anything right now. When I've decided I don't need to collect anything else, I slowly start to make my way towards the front door. I'm thankful my house is open-plan, allowing me to see the front door from the kitchen, but I've never wished more for something to separate me and that door so much before. Both shaking with anticipation and feeling as though I could throw up at any moment now, I grab a shirt from the pile of clean clothing I left at the bottom of the stairs waiting to be taken up. The bench is hidden from the sun so it will probably be breezy. I need to cover myself.

Taking in a deep breath and holding it for a few seconds before exhaling, I grip the door handle with my nervous palm and open it, praying I'm still the soldier Dax thought I always was.

Quietly padding my feet across the floor, I try my hardest not to distract Dax from the moment he is in. The door is to the side of the bench, so thankfully, he doesn't see me coming. But from what I can see of Dax, he's sat watching the sunflowers with awe. He's always loved flowers, which explains why he has so many of them tattooed on the planes of his skin. He has always appreciated the beauty of nature, exactly like I've always been one to appreciate the beauty of him.

I'm not too far away from him that I can hear the low sounds of music coming from his headphones. I can't make out the song, but I think I have an idea.

From the first day I met him, he's always been open and honest about his love for music. He's always struggled with his feelings and emotions, especially how to translate them into words, but he's always been able to rely on music to help him with that. I've always adored that about him. The way he admires something so simple to others, and how they bring him a comfort not many understand. It only made me love him more.

I still love him.

I just wish I could scream that to him right now.

I know I have so many questions to ask, I need answers. But with him sitting here, in front of me, those questions fade. The answers are no longer wanted. They no longer matter. All that matters right now is him and that he's here.

Everything else can wait.

Slowly walking around to the side of the bench he is sitting on, I make sure he's aware I'm here, choosing to walk in front of him instead of sitting straight down and scaring him. When he acknowledges I'm there, he takes out his headphones and offers a small smile.

And that's enough.

Enough to stop my mind from running wild.

And enough to stop making me feel sick.

I hesitate between sitting on the bench beside him or sitting on the ground in front of him, I look towards the two and then notice him moving to the edge of the bench, offering me some room to sit down. I should probably sit on the ground away from him, but I take this as an invitation.

It doesn't take long for Dax to start the conversation after I've sat down, it catches me off guard because I thought I would be the one to initiate anything between us.

"How come you came here Jae?" he asks. His attention goes back to the flowers swaying in the breeze in front of us.

"I'm sure either your brother or Idah have mentioned it, I was shot. Discharged. I felt like my life had ended. Metaphorically, it did. I needed to be somewhere I knew would clear my mind, I needed to feel like I was still a person again. The night before my discharge assessment meeting, I had a dream. I saw the stars, I saw the cliffs. It was telling me something. And when I woke, all I could think about was how this place made you feel, how it made me feel. I didn't question it. I just knew I had to come back."

The colour drains out of his face. "Shot? What do you mean shot?" His lower lip trembles like he's holding back from crying, and all I can think about is taking his lips between mine. I know it's me we're talking about and I shouldn't feel worried about him at this moment, but a part of me does. Even though he isn't looking at me, I can see the form of his face from the side, the lines of sadness and confusion, and I almost feel guilty that this is obviously an uncomfortable conversation for him.

I try to change the subject, "We can talk about this another time, Dax, I don't want to -" He stops me mid-sentence before I can finish.

"I need to know, Jae. Please." He sniffles, the tears now slowly falling from his eyes.

Fuck, this is what I didn't want to see.

His tears do something to me. His pain is my pain and right now I want to wrap him up and do anything to stop those tears from escaping his eyes.

I rub my hands on my thighs and sigh before telling him how I was shot, how Noah was the one who saved me, how I feared my life was over. What happened at the dismissal hearing, how Isaac was there with me. Everything. I have nothing to hide. But I left out one important piece of information. How I always kept writing. When I have finished confessing, I feel his eyes on me. I can hear his low breathing. I turn to face him, instantly becoming lost within his ocean blue eyes and the feeling of comfort and safety they offer me. I gently move my hand towards him, hesitantly offering to wipe away his tears to which he awkwardly moves himself further away.

"I'm okay, pretty boy," I say out loud. But the truth is, deep down, I'm not. Selfishly speaking, I want him to worry about me. I want to know that he worries about me because knowing that allows me to know that he cares. But I don't mention anything about that .

His eyes dart between mine, like he's looking for something, but then he shifts the conversation instantly. It takes all my strength to not show how disappointed I am.

"I'm surprised Isaac let you leave." He breathes out.

I turn to face the flowers he was watching prior, stopping myself from comforting him. "Oh, he tried to stop me. He didn't understand but he accepted it either way. He's currently off on the field anyway, I haven't seen or spoken to him since the day after I left to come here. He should be home any time though, I'm sure he'll show his face."

He doesn't say anything, he's so still, you wouldn't know he's there, but I know. I can smell him, hear him, and more than that, I can feel him. He and Isaac have never seen eye to eye, but he has never tried to talk me out of my relationship with Dax. He knew of my feelings towards him and stated as long as he knew I was happy, that's all that mattered. He mentioned numerous times how Dax was different, he couldn't figure him out. But that's the one thing I understood about Dax the most. The easiest. You need to get to know him to really understand him.

And the more I got to know him, the more I couldn't stop myself from falling for him.

I can tell he's uneasy, the way he's playing with his sleeves, so I change the conversation.

"I'm glad you opened your dream shop. I know how much you wanted it. And you deserve it more than anyone, I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks. It wasn't easy, but we got there."

"I knew you would."

Dax turns my way and offers me a smile. One I have remembered every moment since being away from him. It isn't much to some, but to me it's everything, and it takes my breath away, just like the first time I ever saw it.

To me, it's a sign that hopefully, after some work from the two of us, everything is going to be okay.