26. Dax

Chapter twenty-six

Dax

"I don't know how I'm supposed to come back home without you by my side. Sometimes I think about how life would be if I never returned, if I stayed in this war but then I remember your smile and beautiful sad eyes and I realise I can't stay away. Even if you told me to."

I'm unsure of where to start, unsure of what to even say. When Idah first suggested I come with her to speak to Jae, I couldn't help but stare. She couldn't have been serious. But I knew, as much as it pains me, I needed to see him. We are in the same town now, we're bound to bump into each other one way or another, and as much as I want to stay hidden away forever, I can't do it.

Even If he doesn't want me anymore.

We met at the shop this morning, after we both decided to take a walk to Jae's house. It still felt surreal knowing we were in the same place again. Part of me has wished this would happen for so long, but now I'm hit with the sudden reality that he has actually moved here, I'm not so sure my wishes were a wise choice.

After forty-five minutes of pacing the room back and forth while Idah sat patiently as I had an internal battle with myself, I eventually pulled myself together and agreed to go to his house with her. I made sure to tell Ty where I was going, with him being left in the shop alone. The two of them told me before we left that it was okay if it wasn't the right time, we could do this another day.

But when is the right time?

Before leaving, I made sure to pick up my beanie and headphones from the counter, bringing my fingers to my lips, kissing them before placing them on Mum's plaque, feeling more at ease, knowing hopefully she has my back.

The walk to Jae's house is peaceful and mesmerising, exactly like him. I keep my head held high as I take in the sights around me. Focusing on the greenery around us. His house is on the opposite side of town, closer to the cliffs. It brings me a sense of ease knowing he's so close to our spot, but also fills me with panic. The thought that he could potentially not want anything to do with me anymore is one of the most excruciating pains I've felt. Pulling at every part of me. But I make an attempt to ignore those feelings, pushing them down, concealing them away in hopes the negative thoughts I think and feel right now are just a fragment of my imagination.

We come to the last corner of the maze of streets, unable to take our eyes away from the open field with a small cottage on the side of it. And I hate myself for not knowing about this place sooner. Rows upon rows of sunflowers sway in the wind, some taller than others come into eyesight. At first, I didn't notice the cottage. It's hidden away between the vibrant shades of yellow and green and it's the second most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Because as we walk closer to the gate concealing the garden and house away, a figure comes into view. His rich, dark skin stands out amongst the hues of the flowers surrounding him. The sun shines down on him, framing all his features. He looks like a masterpiece that belongs in a museum. I want to frame this moment forever.

He's so beautiful it hurts to tear my eyes away.

"Earth to Dax, shut your mouth. You're drooling." Idah giggles, pushing her hand underneath my chin to close my mouth for me. I don't realise I'm staring but, it's completely impossible for me not too.

I don't want to stop.

"What if he doesn't want to see me? Maybe this was a bad idea?" I start to panic, turning around to leave. Instantly regretting my decision. You shouldn't have agreed to come, Dax. You hurt him. And now you're turning up at his door? I start to scratch at my hand, back and forth, hoping it will ease the panic.

"Are you serious? You've done so well, Dax. You weren't going to come at first and you did, I'm so proud of you. I promise you; he wants to see you. If you have any wrong feelings about it after we've spoken, come with me, you don't need to stay. I'm going to go over to the graveyard anyway. If you decide to stay and need me at any time, come straight to me. Okay?" I don't reply to her. I don't have the words to, instead I nod once and she understands. "Good. Now come on, let's get your man back."

Before I have a chance to say anything or stop her, she's skipping away towards the gate at the edge of the garden, pulling her phone out looking as though she's calling someone. It isn't until I hear her yelping and running towards Jae that I realise it was him she was ringing, she was just trying to catch his attention before we bombarded.

There's a large oak tree, just by the gate. I decide it's best to hide here for a moment or two until they've finished talking. My heart sinks as I hear Idah talking about a bandage on his side and how she's worried he's hurt himself; I don't want him to be hurt. He quickly pushes her away, explaining there is nothing for her to be worried about and I feel like I can breathe again.

I choose to remain hidden for a few more moments, until Idah announces that she's brought someone with her. I don't know what I want to do more, laugh or cry, but I'm instantly regretting that we chose to walk and didn't ride the bike.

You have to face him now, Dax, you can't ride away.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

I want to run away so badly. If it was up to me, I would have already been halfway down the street.

But the moment he lifts his head and looks me in the eyes, he stuns me. I am no longer in control of my mind and body.

Because standing in front of me, is the most handsome man I have ever seen.

He looks exactly how he did the day he walked out the door. The same as the few photographs I had of him, which I stored away with the letters and looked at more than I care to admit. I can't tell much of a difference. He has always been taller than me, but up close it's obvious he's gotten taller, or maybe I've shrunk. The sun reflects from his darker skin, inviting me to press my lips against it and trail my hands all over and his emerald eyes are calling to me, bringing me home.

I can hear the voice inside my head, screaming for me to get closer. Begging for me to jump into his arms.

But I can't.

Neither of us realise Idah has gone until we break out of the trance and realise she's no longer standing with us. Feeling a large amount of guilt, I quickly take out my phone from my pocket and send her a text making sure she's okay, she already told me where she was going so I assume her plans have stayed the same, but I make sure to let her know I remember where she is if I need her and I'll check if she's still there when I leave to make sure she isn't walking home alone.

And then I surprise myself, because I'm the first one to speak.

"Do you have time to talk?"

Of course he doesn't, Dax. You broke his heart, and now you're expecting him to talk to you? That's the last thing he's going to want to do. You don't deserve any of his words.

I move my eyesight towards the flowers, paying attention to the way they sway in the breeze and dance with one another. I pay attention to the leaves as they fall from the branches of the tree which guards the fence at the bottom of the garden, and I pay attention to the noises around - the birds chirping, the rustling of fallen leaves on the floor, the sound of my breathing.

If I concentrate on something else, it won't hurt as much when he rejects me.

He doesn't reply instantly, so in a state of panic I start to take my phone from my pocket, needing to call Idah to see where she is so I can run away, but as I move my hand to grab it, I hear his voice and the world around me stands frozen in time.

I've always loved his voice. It's deep and husky with his accent coming through, depending on what words he was saying. It's the sound I've been playing over and over in my head from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. One of the only sounds that can make me calm.

"I have all the time in the world for you, Dax."

I stop and stare at him, unsure if what he said was true or not. My mind is telling me it's a mistake and that isn't what he really said, whereas my heart is telling me the opposite, begging and pleading for me to run into his arms and wrap my legs around his waist.

"Pretty boy, did you hear what I just said?" he asks again.

He stays a distance from me, but he's close enough that I can smell the aroma of his cologne mixed with his natural scent drifting towards me from the gust of wind that blows by, but far enough I can't reach out and touch him. He quickly lifts his hands up and waves them in front of my face, in aim to get my attention.

"Yeah, sorry. I heard. Tha -" He inches forward, his closeness making me stop what I was saying.

But still not close enough.

"No, you don't need to thank me." Now it's his turn to look at the ground, somewhat hiding his face. I notice his hands start rubbing the side of his arms, I know him well enough to know he's also feeling uncomfortable. "Thank you for coming back after I scared you away." He slowly lifts his head again and smiles directly at me. He turns to point to a bench underneath the window frame at the bottom of the garden. "Do you want to go sit on the bench over there, I'll go get us some water. I won't be long."

"Yeah, sure, thank you," I reply, my voice getting quieter towards the end of the sentence.

We both turn to face the bottom of the garden, slowly walking towards the bench. Once reached, I take a seat as he rushes inside to get us both a drink. I can understand why Jae lives here.

It's peaceful and calm, away from busy roads and the high street. I can see him being happy here.

It's what he deserves after everything. After what I put him through.

I just can't help but wonder, could he be happy with me again, too?