25. Jae

Chapter twenty-five

Jae

"I regret telling you to stop writing to me. I just want to read your words, anything. I miss you. I wish you could feel how much agony I'm filled with, not knowing how you are or if you're even alive."

With the warm weather finally making an appearance, I decide to take advantage of the heat and get into the garden. I never would have thought this is what I would do after leaving the army, but I also never thought the love of my life would be in the same town as me again either. So here we are. I've avoided going to the high street and cemetery. Idah has come round to see me a handful of times, but I think it's best to stay away. At least for now.

Guilt and confusion eat me alive. But more so, anger, towards no one else but myself. I didn't want to scare Dax off the way I did. The image of him running away taunts my mind, leaving me feeling nothing but sadness. I shouldn't have chased after him the way I did. It was the last thing I would have ever wanted, but as soon as I saw him in front of me, my heart sped up a million miles an hour. I had to be near him. I couldn't stand the distance between us anymore and before I could think about what I was doing, my body was already acting. The urge to be close to him sent an electric current through me like a live wire. And now, I'm afraid I've pushed him too far, for good. Instead of having him in my arms, I am haunted by the memory of him riding away from me, not towards.

The unbelievable urge I had to pick him up, throw him over my shoulder, and bring him home was too much.

It's the need to show him he's mine no matter what that last letter said.

Part of me was scared for when I would see him again. Maybe my feelings for him would have weakened. Maybe I didn't care about him as much as I thought I did. Maybe time changed me. But it did none of those things. Instead, they amplified. I didn't realise just how much I am head over heels for him, for a man I'm scared no longer feels the same.

No matter how badly I crave to have him in my arms again, the best option for us right now is for me to leave him alone.

Let him have time to think, have space to breathe, and hope that when he's ready, he'll come back to me.

I just need him to come back to me.

Distracted from my thoughts, I notice my phone screen flashing on and off from the bench I'd left it on underneath the window frame. Dropping the shovel and gloves currently in my hands, I quickly make my way over to see who's calling. The last time I spoke to Bee, she mentioned the guys should be home in the next few weeks. She's also now in her last trimester, so I make sure I answer a call or text from her, scared something is wrong and that she'll need me.

Picking up the phone and turning the screen on, I notice it isn't Bee who called, but Idah. Three missed calls flash on the screen. She never usually calls me once, let alone three times. She's always been one to text, so for her to ring me multiple times is concerning. I start to dial her back when I hear a ringtone going off at the bottom of the garden. Quickly turning around, I see Idah standing there. Her hair is down today, naturally curly. She's dressed in a baby blue summer dress which both compliments her skin tone and her hair colour perfectly. She looks beautiful.

"Hey, how long have you been standing there for?" I ask as I pick up the towel I had waiting for me and wipe the sweat from my forehead.

"Your side, it's all bandaged up. Did you hurt yourself? Is there something wrong?" She rushes over to examine closer.

"What? No. I'm not healed properly yet. It's like 30 degrees. I can't be wearing a T-shirt in this weather. I put it on to make sure I don't catch it on anything, that's all."

"Oh, okay. You had me worried. Anyway, the weather is so warm and sunny, I felt like taking a walk. I haven't seen you in a while. I'm starting to get the impression that you're ignoring me." She tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear and smiles sadly.

Fuck. Idah thinking I'm ignoring her is the last thing I want.

Before I can open my mouth to speak, she carries on talking.

"So, I thought I would come check to see if you're, you know, still alive." She kicks the dirt with her feet after speaking, with tears in her eyes.

She didn't mean to say what she did.

But before she can say anything else, I take my arm and wrap it over her shoulders, pulling her in for a tight hug. I avoid the side with the bandage. That would be the last thing I need right now.

"I don't really feel in the mood to go for a walk right now Idah, sorry," I murmur against her hair. "Sun's out, got to get on top of the garden before it goes out of control. Can't risk not doing it today, it'll probably be raining tomorrow if it doesn't start in the next hour."

"Yeah. Okay, I guess. The garden is more exciting than a walk with me anyway," she announces sarcastically as she turns to start making her way down the path towards the gate. I quietly laugh at myself, subtly shaking my head. I spin on my feet, turning to face back towards the tools that I had left on the floor when rushing to answer the phone.

Until I hear a cough coming from someone behind me.

"Erm, I kinda brought someone with me. I hope that's okay." Idah looks guilty as she brushes her palms together and avoids looking at me at all costs; because she didn't just bring anyone.

She brought me Dax.

He's standing in front of me.

At the bottom of my garden.

Outside my house.

His hair, that's longer now, falls over his eyes. He's frozen in place, not bothering to move it away from his face. I don't dare make any movement, worried he'll flee again, like a skittish animal that's easily scared. But I fight the urge not to get closer. When I see he hasn't made a move to leave, I drop the towel I was clutching in my hand in a tight grip and place my phone in the back pocket of my jeans. I walk towards him as slowly as I can, which takes all my strength when all I want to do is run to him and hold him in my arms.

I almost feel lost in a trance looking at him. He looks exactly like he does in the photo in his shop. His ocean blue eyes look directly at me. The same blue eyes that have been haunting my mind ever since I walked out the door.

I'm lost for words, unable to speak, and I think he feels the same as me. Because right now, all either of us can do is look at each other. I don't want to ever look away.

He's still so fucking beautiful.

I knew he would be.

Unsure of what to think, or how to feel, I struggle to hold myself back from him. The need to run straight towards him and pull him into my arms is too intense. Too real.

"Pretty boy," I say in disbelief. It's probably not the first thing I should have said, but it's all I could think of right now.

He doesn't reply verbally, he doesn't need to. Instead, he smiles. It isn't a big smile, it's fragile. Subtle. Everything I know deep down, Dax isn't. Instead of questioning it, I take it in.

I will take anything I can get of him.

Even if it's miniscule.

It feels as though we've been looking into each other's eyes for hours. It's as though everything around us has stopped in time just for us; like it too can feel how cardinal this moment is. I don't know who looked away first out of the two of us, but by the time our eyes are no longer lost in one another's, Idah has disappeared.

There are a million things I want to say right now. I have an endless list of questions, but I'm afraid of saying a word. I don't want him to run again.

Just when I'm about to speak, Dax's voice floats between us.

"Do you have time to talk?" he asks sheepishly. Playing with the sleeves on his jumper, his eyes dart towards the ground nervously. He's finding anything else to do right now apart from look at me. His hair continues to fall in his face as he lowers his head to glance at the ground, strands falling from his hair tie. The need I have to push it out of the way is too overwhelming. It's obvious he feels uncomfortable right now, but I can't help but soak in the image of him.

Hearing his voice is enough for me.

Him standing here is enough for me.

This is enough. No matter how much I crave to feel his warm skin against me again while we embrace or smell his unique scent of the sea with an undertone of caramel.

I've always loved the way his scent invades my senses.

"I have all the time in the world for you, Dax." My mouth curves into a smile that I can feel has taken over my entire face.