24. Dax

Chapter twenty-four

Dax

"Remember what I said. When things get too much, you hold on tight, and you squeeze. As long as you wear the tags, I'll always be close to your heart."

With my body still trembling and my throat feeling sore, I take small steps down the footpath until I come face to face with the horizon. This is the longest amount of time I've spent away from Mum's bench since we moved here. It made me feel inhuman, as though I had left a part of myself behind.

Taking in the scenery around me, my body feels instant relief, relaxing for the first time in days. I left the house as quietly as I could. I didn't want to wake up Ty, since I heard him come into the house himself only a few hours ago. But I did make sure to leave him a note on the kitchen counter just in case I'm not back when he wakes up.

Worrying him is the last thing I need right now.

I shake my head in denial at the thought, whispering into the open space around me, "That's all you ever do, Dax. He'd be better off without you. All you bring to his life is disappointment and stress. He'd be much happier if you didn't come back. Maybe then he wouldn't have to look after you like you're his child instead of his brother."

Taking a moment to appreciate the silence around me, I realise there's no one else here, which you'd expect for three in the morning. The sun hasn't come up yet, there's no cars on the road, and no birds singing. I'm completely alone.

It's eerie, in a fascinating way.

Gradually making my way to the back gate, I run my fingers through the ivy wrapped around the fence that keeps the pathway separate, ensuring people won't walk on top of the graves. I've always admired the beauty of nature, especially in a place like this. A place surrounding death. It's something I think about more than normal, but I can't help but feel a sort of comfort knowing death is always lurking around the corner, and maybe one day I'll be free of this perilous feeling that lives inside me.

Opening the gate and stepping through as the old hinges squeak, I come face to face with my stronghold. Mum's bench.

"Hi, Mum, I'm sorry I haven't been here the last few days. A lot has happened, I guess." I laugh mirthlessly. A lot happening is an understatement when it feels like my whole world has been tipped upside down. "There's a lot I haven't told you, and I think you're probably sitting shaking your head at me right now. At least I know that's what you would do." I drop my head into my hands, feeling anguish as I continue speaking. "I'm scared, Mum. I'm scared people don't understand me the same way you and Tyler do. I'm scared of these thoughts I have in my head. I don't know what they mean. I'm scared that I do things I don't understand. I'm scared because I don't understand myself. I'm scared I pushed away the person I love more than anything. Not only that, but I'm also scared it's too late and he'll never look at me the same way. I'm most afraid that I've caused hatred and anger at me to fester in his heart that was always soft and kind. That I've ruined him." My voice isn't much louder than a whisper by the time I have finished my speech. I pull my feet onto the bench. Wrapping one arm around my knees and bringing one hand to my neck, I squeeze my dog tags with the feeling of the cool metal pressing against my palm grounding me.

"Whenever you feel overwhelmed, you squeeze. Give all your worries to me. I'll take them all no matter how dark, pretty boy."

And it isn't until I hear a cough behind me, that I notice I'm not alone.

I hesitantly turn my head, unsure of who is with me. I didn't notice anyone when I was walking through the cemetery. I was under the impression that I was completely alone.

Who comes to a graveyard at this time in the morning anyway? I almost want to laugh at that thought and say you, obviously .

"Idah?" I say bewildered "What are you doing here?"

"Night terrors. Couldn't get back to sleep, I didn't know what else to do." She shrugs. "But I could ask you the same thing."

I let out a half-sigh, half-laugh. I'm not sure what it is. But I'm starting to realise that me and Idah are more alike than I knew.

Is that why Jae feels comfortable in her presence? Does he see the scarred parts of her and want to piece them back together like he did me?

I glance over towards her with tired eyes, sliding over to make room which she acknowledges with a gentle smile as she sits beside me without question and tucks one of her legs under her.

I try not to stare but I also find it difficult not to look. I tilt my head to the right subtly, taking a glance at her. It's obvious she hasn't slept. Probably obvious I haven't slept much either. Her hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun, she has a large, oversized jumper hanging down, almost to her knees. And I'm certain she's still in her pyjama bottoms. She looks tired. She may hide it with a smile, but I can see what she's hiding beneath. It's a practised look that she perfected in the mirror, hoping to fool people into believing she's happy.

Because she doesn't want anyone to know how truly fragmented she is on the inside.

Everyone else may believe she's doing fine, but I know better than that.

After all, I'm just as fragmented as her.

"It's exquisite, isn't it? This place holds so much agony, yet there's something so beautiful if you look a little bit further ahead," she mutters in a low voice.

I don't reply to her. I don't have the energy. I just nod my head, hoping she sees me do so.

Glancing down at her hands through the corner of my eye, I notice she isn't carrying her notebook. It's probably due to the fact it's dark and she wouldn't be able to write if she wanted to. I haven't been around Idah properly before when she isn't writing. So, we both sit in silence, almost as though we don't know how to speak.

"I overheard you speaking to your mum. I'm sorry, that's how I knew you were here. I came to drop some flowers off to Lottie but overheard you speaking. Is she buried here too?" she asks. I know I should turn to acknowledge her, but looking in the face of someone else makes it all too real when I'm talking. So instead, I focus on the horizon, where the sea meets the sky.

And for the first time, I confess to somebody other than Tyler and Jae.

For once, I'm not writing my feelings on paper, but instead, I'm saying them out loud.

I take in a deep breath, running my hand through my hair. Glancing at the sunflower tattoo peeking from the sleeve of my jumper before I tell Idah everything. About Mum, how we lost her, how I feel on the inside, how I fell in love with Jae, and how I lost him.

She doesn't reply, instead she sits in silence.

It's almost as though she knows exactly what I need without telling her.

To anybody else, this would probably come across as being ignorant. Most people speak for a reaction, seeking an answer. But right now, in this moment, silence speaks louder than words and silence is the most comforting thing for me, for us both.

"I know about you and Jae - I mean, I know enough. I think. I haven't asked him all the details, but I know his eyes. I recognise the loss of love in them. Exactly how I recognise it in yours, too. I see it in the way you both carry yourselves. I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in the way you carry yourself, and him too. I notice the way you search for one another, while trying to make it look as though you're not." She doesn't look at me when she speaks, instead she looks through her bag, pulling out the large blanket she brought with her and draping it over both of our legs. "I felt you shivering."

"Thank you," I whisper.

Being around Idah feels effortless. Comforting. I understand why Jae has gotten close to her since moving here, she's good for him.

She's good for us both.

I hesitate to ask her about why she's here, but as though she has sensed that I was going to ask, she speaks again.

"Lottie is buried here, my ex-girlfriend. She was how you are with Jae, to me. I guess you could say, she was my Dax." She shrugs. "I try to come as often as I can. Sometimes, I can't come for days." Her voice lowers towards the end of her confession. I still don't have the courage to look at her, but I can hear her fumbling with her side of the blanket, I can feel the tug as she loops the strings through her fingers and pulls.

When I do finally pluck up the courage, I turn my head to the right, facing the red-haired girl beside me.

"How do you do it?" I mumble. Still not wanting to give her any eye contact.

"Do what?"

"Act so strong, after everything. After losing someone?"

"I don't know if I can say I'm strong," she hums. "But I can say I'm coping, I think? I miss Lottie. I will never understand why what happened, happened. I will never understand her actions, and honestly, I don't think I ever will. She's gone. No amount of sadness, anger, or tears can bring her back. You and Jae though. That's something different. You have something special. I notice it when he speaks about you, his eyes twinkle. He was the first real friend I made when I moved back here. He didn't ask questions; he didn't force friendship. He just made sure I knew he was there and that he cared." I smile at her answer as my eyes start to water. She has explained him perfectly. The way she speaks about him is as though she's known him for years. She's proud. Of course she is. He has that ability to make people feel as though they've known him for lifetimes.

"I know something happened between the two of you, I don't know everything, but I know enough. And the moment I mentioned his name in the café when you were unsure about who he was, I noticed the uncertainty, but beneath it, I saw the same twinkle in your eyes as his. I saw the love. People don't realise just how much being in love wears you like a second layer of clothing. Like armour." She pauses, taking in a deep breath. "I could feel it." She picks up her side of the blanket, wrapping it around her shoulders instead of laying it on her knees.

"He loves you, Dax, I don't think he ever stopped. I don't think he could if he tried."

That can't be true. I've hurt him, there's no way he could still love me.

I pull the edge of my sleeve to my fingertips, resisting the urge to bring it to my mouth and bite. Instead, I inhale a deep breath. "He can't love me, Idah. I'm broken."

"Grief doesn't make you broken. Being depressed doesn't make you broken either. Fuck broken. What does broken mean, anyway? Since when did that become a term to define somebody? Because in my eyes, Dax, you're a person. You're an inspirational, kind, loving person. And if that makes you broken, then I guess I must be broken too." She links her arm around mine, pulling herself close to my body, leaning her head on my shoulder while I rest my head on top of hers.

Idah has such a spark in her, she could light up the night sky alone. I thought maybe I would get jealous of someone being close to Jae, and I would want to be in their place. But with her, I feel nothing but calmness, joy and ease. I judged too quickly. She's special.

Hopefully we can be good for her too.

"What if I'm too late? What if I'm not who he wants anymore, what if the voices in my head are right, what if he really is better without me?" I bring my arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for support.

"Dax, you have a guy who is madly in love with you, begging for you to see it. Begging for you to be with him. Please, hold onto him and never let him go. I know he's still holding on to you. And please remember, no matter how difficult things may feel, it's never too late."

I kiss the top of her head and pull her in closer for a hug. "Thank you."

And I smile. Not to hide sadness, because I am full of hope.

Not only did seeing Mum give me the wake-up call I needed, but seeing Idah did, too.

It's time to fight for what I want.

My sunshine.