21. Dax

Chapter twenty-one

Dax

"Whenever times are hard, pretty boy, look up at the stars."

"Jae?" My voice cracks, betraying my feelings.

It takes moments for the figure in front of me to register the sound of my voice. Time surrounding the two of us freezes. The wind has stopped, the sound of the ocean clashing against the cliff sides is no more. Even the twinkle of the stars above has paused.

As I stare at him, all the memories of the man I once loved, still love , flash through my mind at high speed. Memories from the first time we latched eyes in the pub, to the last time our bodies were locked together, almost reluctant to say goodbye to each other before he had to leave. Images spinning in my head like a carousel. All the moments we laughed, kissed, made love, sang, and danced playing over and over.

Please don't be him, please don't be him.

Please be him, please be him.

"Dax?" His voice is barely above a whisper.

My sunshine. My soldier. My Jae.

But he's not mine anymore.

I no longer feel able to speak as my lips start to tremble. My body feels overwhelmingly numb. It's as though I'm here but not here at the same time, having an out of body experience as I stare at the love of my life, who's heart I tore to shreds. The emerald green eyes that have haunted me every day since he walked out the door. Fuck, he's still beautiful. So, so beautiful. He hasn't changed. If things were different, I would have already run into his embrace, pleading for his strong arms to pick me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. Kissing his neck, whispering the words "I love you" in his ear for only him to hear.

But I can't do that.

I ended things the way I did for a reason, to stop myself from hurting him when he'd seen who I had become.

My mind is in a state of panic while my body itches with the need to escape, to run before he has a chance to ask me why I sent that letter, why I ended us. I know that question is going to come sooner or later, and I can't answer it. Especially when it all sounds like excuses.

And as much as I want to run into his arms and beg for forgiveness, my body acts before my mind.

I choose the easier option, I run away.

The air feels as though it's closing in on me and the world around me seems to be frozen in time. The need to run is prominent; I don't know what else to do. Turning on my feet, I run so fast I'm surprised I don't trip as I block out the sound of Jae's pained cries, begging me to stop.

But I can't stop, he won't understand it.

No one understands it.

Making my way around the parked car, Jae's car , I pick up the helmet I left on my bike, gripping it tightly in my left hand. Bending my body forward, leaning over the handlebars, I struggle to get my breath back, unsure of whether I want to cry, scream, throw up, or laugh. I slowly stand myself up straight, forcing my body to move as I lean my backside against the seat. I close my eyes, taking some time to catch my breath, concentrating on nothing but breathing in and out deeply.

But all focus is lost when I hear a cough in the distance and my eyes open wide as a result.

Bringing my head up to look at the man across from me, my heart aches.

The longing I have for this person causing so much physical pain. My mind is telling me no but my heart is telling me yes.

And I'm completely taken by shock for listening to my mind for once.

Without a second thought, I put on my helmet and swing my leg across the bike, instantly pulling back the handle, ready to set off, unable to feel prepared to control my feelings or my actions right now.

I need to escape.

So, I run again.