22. Dax

Chapter twenty-two

Dax

"I'd still do it all again with you even knowing our ending."

It has been four days since I last saw Jae. Four days of berating myself for not saying fuck it and running into his arms. Four days of wishing I didn't run away.

I knew he was here; all the signs were there. I just chose to be oblivious and ignore them, wishing somehow, it would make them not true. And the moment I saw his heartbroken glance, my body felt as though it was on overdrive, the only thing I found myself able to do was escape. As I turned the corner onto the main street, pulling from the car park, I regretted my decision. I hated myself more than I had ever done so before.

Why did I have to run away?

Why can't I be normal like everyone else and love the way everyone else loves without consequences?

The obvious pain in his emerald green eyes, the ones that hold my mind hostage from the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep, was too much for me to bear.

I knew seeing Jae again wouldn't be easy. But I never knew it would be this difficult.

I've avoided the cliffs. Knowing he was there both fills my heart with joy and makes me want to lock myself away, forming a barricade that no one else can enter. I've been left feeling nothing but dread and worry when instead, it should be happiness and relief.

He kept his promise. He came back.

My beautiful soldier had finally returned home to me like he promised, and the first thing I did was panic.

I didn't explain what had happened between me and Jae when I came barging through the door no more than an hour after I had left, but from the sadness on Ty's face, it was obvious he already had an idea. His attempt to give me a smile was all he was able to do. The lump in his throat grew larger as he held his words back but knew how much I wouldn't be able to accept them.

But I appreciated the gesture regardless. I always appreciate his kindness. I don't tell him enough.

But even if I wanted to explain, I wouldn't be able to. I wouldn't know where to start.

Sometimes I do things I don't understand, myself.

With my mind being preoccupied by everything else around, I haven't given writing letters the time I need to, which I think is half the reason I've become the way I am. Writing letters allowed me to have an outlet for my feelings without saying them out loud, and with me not doing that recently, I've started to notice they have built up over time. So, yesterday I forced myself to pick up the pen and paper, and I haven't been able to stop much since.

Pages upon pages of paper and Post-it notes in various colours are scattered across my bed, overflowing onto the floor. And I can't seem to make myself stop. I don't want to stop. I'm sure I look crazed right now, and if Tyler were to see me, he'd be worried. I'm confessing everything to these pages that I can't do any other way. Therapy and medication didn't work, but this has. I study the notes already written in black ink, frowning at my emotions and feelings, questioning my actions, as I continue to write. It's as though my hands have a mind of their own, filling the pages with my every waking thought.

These letters are my lifeline, a confidant and vital part of me no one else sees.

Finishing the last word at the bottom of the crumbled page, I lean back on my bed, finally letting go of the paper I was clutching in my hand in a tight grip, allowing it to drop. It falls with the rest of the sheets that were on my lap and I glance around my room, taking in the chaos. There's so much paper everywhere. My hands feel like they're going to fall off, but I can't find the cause to care. I never realised how much writing my emotions down on paper would help. I enjoyed it when I first started writing letters to Jae, but this time, it felt different. Jae always spoke about it as though it was a form of therapy, and I was finally understood what he meant by that.

Writing to him was helping me more than I realised. Even if he'd never see the words.

I needed this.

It feels like freedom, and for the first time in a while, my body starts to relax as I submerge myself in the pillows below. Sleep doesn't take long to find me. I close my eyes and drift off with memories for dreams.