20. Jae

Chapter twenty

Jae

"I watched the night sky tonight wondering how long it'll be before we find each other again, as stars."

Sitting nervously, I adjust myself on the floor beside the flowerbed. After attempting to force myself to walk towards the cliffside, and miserably failing, I retreated back to sit and speak to Lottie. I tried. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to go past the gate, let alone the edge. Not without him. Thankfully, she was here to save me from everything trailing through my mind right now. Idah has shared multiple stories about the two of them; how they met, what Lottie's favourite things were, what she enjoyed doing, and I feel as close to her as I do Idah. I understand that may sound strange to some, but she's become a comfort to me which I couldn't be more grateful for in this time.

Especially now that I have to come to terms with the one thing I wished for the most.

Because Dax is here.

In the same town, the same place.

This isn't a dream. This is real.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

The picture of him and his brother inside their store not only healed my heart, but broke it all over again. While the person in the photo looked like the guy I fell in love with, am still in love with, there was a sadness in his eyes that only those close enough to him would recognise. And that made the hole I've been trying to heal bigger. The words Tyler spoke of how Dax is now and how he's worried about him, have only left me feeling more anxious.

I have spent every day wondering why Dax decided to end things the way he did, with a simple letter. I've spent months wondering if he had met someone else, someone better for him than me.

The same number of days wishing he had.

Not everyone wants to be in a relationship with someone in the army, someone who could get called away for months at a time with no objection. But things are different now. I don't have to leave. I won't leave this time.

I don't have to.

I won't leave him again.

"Hey, it's not like you to be here before me. We're not meant to be meeting up for another hour yet, is everything okay? Something wrong with the grave?" Idah panics while rushing over to sit beside me.

"Hey, no. Nothing's wrong, with the grave I mean. Everything's fine. I just came earlier because I was already out and didn't feel like going home. I just wanted to come sit and talk. You know, Lottie is a good listener." I link my arm around hers as she brings herself closer to my side, laying her head on my shoulder.

"She always was," Idah replies while wrapping her arms around my body. "I'm glad she's able to help you too."

With my mind focusing on multiple things at once, I don't hear her when she starts to speak to me again. It isn't until she taps me numerous times that she has my full attention.

"So, why are you here anyway?"

I sigh. "I went to see Tyler. I wanted to say thanks."

"You did? How did that go? Did you manage to meet his brother Dax?"

"I already know Dax."

"Huh?" she asks, confused by my admission.

And so, I confess everything. Starting from the beginning of how we met, where we met, how our relationship started, how I already knew this place, the graveyard included, what happened during our relationship, and how our relationship ended.

Based on her facial expressions and body language, it's obvious she doesn't know how to react to the information I've told her. At least I'm not alone in that. And without saying a word, Idah moves her head from my shoulder, takes hold of my body, and pulls me closer to her so I'm leaning into her for support. We don't say a word to one another, but the comfort is there and so is the support.

And here, in her arms, is the safest I've felt in a long time.

A few nights ago, a Austin Healey 3000 showed online for a price I couldn't resist. I'd always dreamed of having a vintage car one day. It was almost as though it was fate and the stars had finally aligned above, giving me some luck. My bid was accepted. The seller was local and after walking Idah to work, I was able to pick it up.

Gliding my hand across the blue hood, pride fills me. It took a long time and a handful of losses, but I'm here.

I hope you're proud, Dad.

Since my poor attempt of going to the cliffside earlier, my mind has worked against me, putting up a fight. The biggest war I've been involved in is the one with myself. I could drive anywhere, and I'd be lying if I denied that the thought of going to see Bee hadn't crossed my mind. But I know there's only one place for me right now. So I decide to keep myself occupied and wait until it's dark outside, hoping no one else would be around.

I'm afraid if I don't bring myself to do it now, I never will.

I can do this.

It's time I face my fears, and go to the place that calls my name.

The wind assaults me the moment I step out of the car, prickling across my face and sending chills down my spine. I lean into the side door, picking up the beanie I put there earlier before closing the door behind me. I tuck my hands into my jumper, hoping it will offer me some form of protection. I walk through the cemetery in slow strides, reading names on tombstones I haven't noticed before as I go, wondering if they've left a loved one behind too. Scanning my surroundings, I notice there isn't anyone out in this weather and it puts me at ease. I'm too riled up from the events of the past few days. I feel like I need this place to myself as my own private sanctuary.

Does this place affect others the same way it does me?

Hesitantly opening the latch at the bottom of the gate, I feel the moment my heartbeats stop. I've been too afraid to take this step since I returned, but all the tension leaves my body as the smell of salty air hits my senses as I take gentle steps closer to the place that has haunted my every wish and dream, in hopes I could return to smell the fresh air again, and feel his caress on my skin.

Falteringly making my way towards the edge, I take a seat on the ground, dangling my legs over the cliff, and I put my arms behind me to lean back on my elbows. The wind is a lot harsher coming directly from below, but I welcome the impact, not wanting to miss a moment. Closing my eyes, I breathe in the ocean, and a memory comes to my mind causing an involuntary smile to form on my lips.

Leaning back with Dax's head in my lap, I stare at the night sky as my fingers gently run through his soft hair, which he's recently dyed blue. I can't get enough of it. He was nervous at first, but I told him I love it as much as I love him. I watched the worry leave him as soon he relaxed into my arms when I kissed him.

He stops humming the beat of Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan and I look down at him with my fingers still in his hair, lazily pushing it away from his face.

He looks up towards me, giving me one of his beaming smiles that light up his face and are so contagious I want to bottle them up and keep them stored away in my heart forever.

"Why do you think stars twinkle?" he questions.

My smile grows. "Hmmm I don't know, you tell me."

He points his index finger up and traces the stars shining above us. "I think they're past lovers finally reuniting after so long."

"I like that theory." I kiss his forehead, my lips lingering, not wanting to pull away.

"How tragic it must be for the lovers who never found their other half amongst the stars," he says quietly, his voice starting to break.

"Jae?"

"Yeah, pretty boy?"

"I hope we find each other as stars someday. I don't want us to be destined for tragedy, searching the skies for all of time but never finding one another."

"I'll find you no matter how many stars there are. You'll always shine brighter than anything else." I flip him until he's laying beneath me and stare into his eyes, hoping he can see I mean all of my words.

All my promises.

He brings his hands to my heart and nods.

I move closer to him so we're breathing each other's oxygen, brushing my lips against his. He opens his mouth, giving me access and I don't wait any longer. I kiss him like it's the first time again, causing a small moan to escape.

We spend the rest of the night underneath the twinkling stars, only ever breaking our kisses to take each other's clothes off. Here, with only the stars as our witness, I meld our bodies together, entering him slowly as our lips breathe life into one another.

How could he think I wouldn't want to find him when he's my universe? I'll always find him, no matter what.

"Jae?" My body freezes at the deep voice behind me. My lungs feel deprived of oxygen as I try to catch my breath again. Slowly turning, I find the man I knew so intimately staring back at me with shock and worry.

"Dax," I whisper, not believing he's really here.

Am I still dreaming, or is he really here?