19. Dax

Chapter nineteen

Dax

"I hope one day we'll find our way back to one another."

With it being my last day off, I had hoped to do absolutely nothing. Instead, I've found myself only being able to focus on one thing.

The metal tin sits in the corner of my room, in the same spot it's been since I brought it home from work. My most prized possession that contains all my letters from Jae, and all the letters I should have sent him.

Letters containing my deepest and darkest secrets.

Letters containing endless hope and love.

The only things left of mine and Jae's relationship.

It sits on the opposite side of the room, both taunting me and inviting me to open and take a look inside.

Judging me for not doing it sooner.

I hate the way I want to, but I have to stop myself each time.

Sitting on my bed, I stare at my reflection in the small mirror on my bedside table in a trance. Music blares in the background, I'm lost to everything around me when my bedroom door comes flying open and in walks Tyler with a stack of new band T-shirts for me, which must have been delivered to the shop today. He has never been interested in wearing them, but he knows they're my favourite. Whenever a delivery comes that I haven't put away, he always puts the ones he knows I'd like aside for me.

"Hey, D, are you feeling okay? I'm sorry for springing this on you, bro. But we've got to talk." Tyler's voice suddenly turns serious, more focused.

"Wait, let me guess. Someone's broken in and stolen the cash register, or you've burnt the store down and nothing is left. Which one is it? Actually no, surprise me. I don't know which one is worse."

Surely nothing that bad would have happened, right?

"Ha Ha. Hilarious. Didn't realise you were the jokester. Actually, none of those. I'm ever so sorry to disappoint Your Lordship. But there's something else I need to talk about. Not something actually, someone." His voice turns more serious.

"You've finally met someone?" I smile. It's about time.

"I mean, I guess you could say that."

"So out with it, who is she?"

"Not she, he." His voice is now quiet, almost a whisper.

I don't know how to respond to Tyler's confession, apart from bursting out laughing. If this is Tyler's coming out speech, I am not buying it. If there's one thing I'm certain of on this entire planet, it's that Tyler is not gay.

Still raising my brow at him, he opens his mouth to speak again.

"Someone came into the shop, D… Remember when I told you I helped Idah and Cee out with a guy in the coffee shop when it was thunder storming, it turns out he knows us." He lets out a deep breath. "You in particular. He knows you very well."

At first, I looked at him with confusion and then, with sadness.

There is only one name I automatically think it could be, but at the same time, it shouldn't be that person.

I avoid everyone else. I don't let anyone know who I really am.

My mouth goes dry. Sweat starts to form on the back of my neck. My heart beats start to rapidly speed up.

"He's here, Dax. He came by to say thank you for helping in Cee's the other night. Idah had mentioned the record store was owned by two brothers and that I worked there. He's new in town, I wanted him to feel welcome. I wanted him to know there were people around in case he ever wanted a chat or if he needed a friend. As soon as he spotted your photo, his face went pale. He lost all colour in his cheeks. He didn't know what to do. His reaction was enough for me to know what I needed to know." He shifts closer towards me. He never sits this close to me. He knows it makes me feel uncomfortable.

And that's how I know he's being serious.

"Jae… he's here?" My voice breaks.

"Yeah, bro. He's here."

Time seems to stand still, and I no longer know what to do with myself. I don't know if I should laugh and cheer and be thankful for this moment, or if I should pause and cry.

I choose the second option.

"How did you know it was Jae? You've not seen him before. You don't know who he is. It might not be him. It shouldn't, be him." I shake my head uncontrollably

"The reaction to him seeing the photo of us was all I needed to know it was him, D. That and the fact he told me the guy in the photo broke his heart, obviously he wasn't talking about me."

I feel sick and my body becomes limp. If I hadn't already sat down on the edge of the bed, I'd have fallen to the floor.

Tyler takes a seat next to me.

"It's him, D. It can't be anyone else"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

A million thoughts run through my head, playing over and over again. Our relationship is playing on a loop going round and round in circles.

"Why is he here? He shouldn't be here," I say sheepishly.

"That's not my story to tell, bro. You need to speak to him yourself to find that out."

Hearing that alone sends my mind racing straight into panic. The last time I said anything to him was when I told him I wasn't going to send any more letters, and I pleaded for him to not send me a reply. The last thing he is going to want to do is talk to me. I don't deserve a conversation from him. He probably hates me, and I don't blame him… I would hate me too if I were him.

I already do.

I stare blankly at the slight bump in the wall, remembering how I punched it after sending the last letter knowing that would be the end of us.

Tyler had walked in to find me crying with my bloodied fist in my lap, but he didn't get angry. He never got angry. Instead, he had patched it up and looked at me with understanding. Then he smiled and told me it was okay for me to let my feelings out, but maybe I should try cheaper methods or we wouldn't have a house to live in anymore. I didn't have the heart to tell him he did a shit job of patching it up or that I don't think the wall is supposed to be bumpy.

That same day I had run to the cliffs; and for some unknown reason, I felt like I needed to get all these pent-up feelings out of me. So I stood on the edge, one step more and I would've fallen, and screamed.

The only way I know how to release everything.

Tyler's voice takes my focus away from the wall and I realise he's been talking. I catch most of what he's saying and I put the pieces together. He's telling me about how Jae and Idah became friends and spent so much of their time together.

Jealousy, sorrow, and heartache all swirl together in my stomach and consume me. Even though I have no right to feel this way – hurt at the thought of him sharing his secrets he only ever whispered to me with her.

Does he tell her his every waking thought? His dreams? His hopes?

Fuck, I can't think like this. I have no right.

They're allowed to be friends. He needs someone he can talk to. He's not mine anymore.

I have spent countless nights wishing to the stars he could be by my side, that I could touch him, yearning to be in his strong arms again.

He deserves so much better. He didn't deserve the heartbreak.

The only person that's ever held my heart and cherished it is so close I could walk into his arms, yet it feels like we're on different planets, constantly orbiting each other but never able to stop.

I wasn't good enough .

For him.

I'm still not good enough.

Ignoring Ty still sitting next to me, I pick up my headphones, put them on as fast as possible, and lay down on the pillow as Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan plays on repeat at an almost deafening volume. I need to shut him out. I need to shut everyone out. Slowly, I bring my arm up from my side and trace my fingers over the outline of my most recent tattoo. A garden of flowers in grey with only a few in colour. I spend the longest tracing over the sunflower that stands out from the rest and is more vibrant. I cried for so long after getting it. It was like my own personal hell every time my eyes caught on the sunflower with a dog tag wrapped around it in an almost choking manner, but I was a glutton for pain because I never looked away. I couldn't even if I wanted to.

Only one other person besides me would know the true meaning behind it.

A sunflower for my sunshine.

Anxiety, depression, everything, everyone works in different ways; and even though the way I reacted and the way I called things off was probably the worst of all ways, I still did what I did. And I've regretted it every day since.

It's something I now have to bear the consequences of.

"Please tell me you're at least going to try, Dax? There's a reason he's come back here. I saw the pain in his eyes. I may not know what love is, but I know what loss looks like. For whatever reason, he's here. You're here. He deserves an explanation, and you deserve to be heard." He moves himself away. He can see that I'm anxious. That I'm struggling. He can always tell when I'm struggling. He takes a seat at the chair across the way from the bed by the desk, still giving me his full attention.

"You really think so?"

"I'm not just a pretty face, you know." He smiles. Combing a hand through his hair.

I turn to face Tyler and softly smirk at his confession. My brother has been the one person who has looked out for me my whole life. I was so worried about telling him about meeting a guy, and how much I'd fallen for him, that I completely disregarded telling him at all. And by his reaction and how he's trying to help me now, it shows he doesn't care about all of that. He still loves me.

I should never have felt as though I couldn't have come to him in the first place. "I don't know what to do, Tyler. I ruined him, I ruined myself. I ruined everything we had. I can't go running back and expect him to welcome me with open arms. I can't turn back time. He's probably better off without me. Have you seen the guy? Why would a guy like him want a guy like me? I'm not the Dax he used to know. I'm just not him anymore, he's gone."

I slowly take out the dog tags I wear around my neck, which are tucked underneath my T-shirt. For the first time in forever, I take them off and hold them in my hand. Examining each tag closely, sliding my fingers across the letters, which are standing out on the metal. The oval-shaped discs sit proudly in my hand as if they are aware they are admired.

"There are still so many things I haven't told you about him, about us, Ty," I confess.

"And you'll tell me when you're ready to, if you want to." There's a hint of sadness to his smile. He tries to hide it, but we know each other better than we know ourselves. He just doesn't want me to see.

"I sometimes hate you for being so understanding."

"Liar."

"Ty?" I hesitantly ask.

"Yeah, D?" He raises his eyebrows, showcasing a glimmer of hope.

"What the fuck do I do now?"

"You go get your spark back."