18. Jae

Chapter eighteen

Jae

"I still sleep on the left side of the bed. I keep the right side empty. I keep it empty, waiting for you."

It's been two days since I've left the house or seen anyone. I've avoided all texts and phone calls from Idah and Bee. I'm thankful that Isaac isn't in the country, because I know he would be the first one knocking on my door if he could.

If only.

I just needed time. Time to think. Time to be alone.

Looking at my phone, I see an email notification confirming an appointment time to go view a car. Paying attention to the time, I realise I have a little to spare before I usually go to meet Idah. It's about time I show my face. Wanting to leave the house as soon as possible, I remember I still need to thank Tyler for helping me in the coffee shop. We may have met in somewhat awkward circumstances and not quite how I would have liked to introduce myself to someone for the first time. It's only fair of me to properly introduce myself and say thanks.

With plenty of sunflowers growing in the garden, I decide what better way than giving a peace offering and introducing myself with a fresh bouquet.

Everyone loves flowers, right?

After I've gotten ready and have a bright-yellow bouquet in hand; I make my way to the high street in hopes of finally introducing myself to the brothers who own the record shop.

Especially the brother who helped me.

Walking inside Ocean Notes Records instantly gives off a comforting feeling – similar to the coffee shop next door. It is obvious this place is cared for and looked after, and in return, the shop treats them with kindness too.

"If that's you, bro, you better turn back around and go home." I turn towards the tall blonde guy looking through records with his back to me with confusion. His voice is instantly recognisable as the voice that talked me through my panic attack.

He turns around to meet my gaze when he doesn't hear a response. His face definitely isn't what I'd place with that voice. Yet, it looks familiar. As though I have already seen him before.

"Oh hey, Jae, right? I'm Tyler. I'm glad you're okay now, mate" he says while putting the stack of records he has in his hand back on the shelf. "I was in the coffee shop when the thunder started to strike, you scared us. No fault of your own, obviously. I guess I came in right on time." He walks up to where I'm standing and pauses. "How are you?"

I still. Unable to look at him with anything other than confusion. It takes me a moment to gather my thoughts. I know what I want to say out loud, but for some reason I struggle. I'm left at a loss for words.

His short blonde hair is pushed away from his face. Upon further inspection, I notice he's probably around the same age as me, with a body that he obviously works hard for. He crosses his arms and that causes his T-shirt to mould to his body, showing off the definition of his muscles with the movement. He has a smirk on his face, like he can read my thoughts. He's cocky.

I spend way longer than socially acceptable staring at him. There's something about him that feels so familiar. I can't place my finger on it, but it's as if I've seen him before.

Until I notice the one thing that stands out about Tyler. It isn't his smile that he seems to give out so freely, or the way he holds himself, but his eyes.

They're ocean blue.

The exact same shade as his.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." He winks.

I struggle stopping myself from rolling my eyes at him.

Oh great, he's an obnoxious prick.

I clear my throat before I start to speak, "Hi, sorry. I was just running some errands. I'm on my way to meet Idah soon, so I thought I'd call in and say thank you for helping the other day." I gently place the bouquet of flowers on the counter, nudging them towards the edge. "Idah mentioned where I could find you to say thanks. Sorry I didn't come by sooner, I haven't been in the best state of mind since, you know." I tremble.

"Hey, no hard feelings. You didn't need to come by and say thanks, I'm glad I was there at the right time. Meeting Idah huh? So, you're the mystery guy she's been hanging out with. You two seemed awfully close. You guys dating?"

"What. No?" I look at him, eyes wide.

He gives me what seems like a knowing grin. "You sure? Guy to guy, you can tell me, that's fine."

"I'm gay," I reply flatly.

"You're what?"

"Not attracted to girls…"

Tyler glares at me with a raised brow. "I know what gay means."

"Anyway, Idah mentioned you own this shop with your brother, that's cool," I continue, in an attempt to change the conversation.

With an easy smile, he nods. "Yeah, D. He's a good kid. I've made him take a few days off though. The poor guy is always working so hard. Doesn't really give himself any time to think. I forced him not to come in or I'd kick his ass. That should explain the shouting from when you first walked in, I hope. I don't just shout at every customer when they walk through the door. I'm just waiting for him to strut through the store, making sure we haven't been robbed or the place isn't set on fire yet, actually…"

I take in what Tyler is saying as I stroll the aisles of records, tracing my fingers over ones that seem interesting but not really focused on them. I've never really been a fan of music. The frames on the wall beside a glass display cabinet, that's filled with what seems to be a Walkman and more records, catch my attention. I return the record in my hand and walk over to the frames. The random art fits the aesthetic of the place and gives it a unique and quirky appearance.

I take my time looking over the pictures, replying to Tyler with short yes and no answers. I think he's realised I'm more interested in the art on the wall than conversation, because he's finished speaking. My eyes trail from frame to frame. Collages of pictures of concerts and the ocean fill the large, open space, but I can't stop my body from freezing when I see the last photo on the wall.

It's not a random photo, i t's so far from being random.

Because it's him.

A photo of Tyler standing outside of Ocean Notes Records with his arm around another guy stares back at me.

Teasing me.

I can't take my eyes off the other guy and his sad eyes that call to me. How many times have I stared into them, wanting to make them glow with happiness?

His hair has grown long enough to put into a small ponytail since the last time I saw him, and I can see he's added new tattoos to his skin.

Tears threaten to rise to the surface as the memories of all the times he laid in my arms while I traced over the floral patterns on his skin flood my mind, and they send shivers down my spine.

My pretty boy.

Without a thought, my fingers move to the photo of their own accord. Landing on his face, I feel the phantom touch of his warm skin.

He's holding a bike helmet in his hand; one I haven't seen before. I knew his house mate, Ace, was teaching him to ride, and he mentioned he wanted to buy one of his own eventually. I was hoping I would be able to help with that.

He has a bruise on his left cheek, marring his beautiful pale skin. Seeing the bruise on him sparks anger at the possibility of someone hurting him.

There is a small glisten by his nose on the right side. I knew he always wanted his nose pierced, but he was too much of a chicken to actually get it done. It looks good on him. I knew it would. Then again, everything does.

Tyler's brother is someone I've met before. Because Tyler's brother is Dax.

I can't do this; I can't be here. I can feel the early signs of a panic attack starting to creep up like a shadow, and I don't want Tyler to be the one to have to get me out of it. Again. I start to back away, almost like I've been zapped, and don't stop until my back hits a drum set. The sound alarms Tyler and makes him look in my direction.

Our eyes lock. His with confusion, mine with turmoil. "D…stands for Dax." If I was in the right mindset, I'd mentally scold myself because common sense seems to have left me at this moment.

"Yeah… sure does." His brow furrows, and gone is the carefree guy from earlier. "What's he done?"

"Stole my heart. That's what he did." My heart starts to race, palms becoming sweaty. I have no idea what to say or how to react. I think about running, but what would that achieve?

Before I can stop myself, words are spilling from my mouth. "Sorry, I shouldn't have come here. Not to the shop, not to this town. It was stupid of me. I knew this place was important to him. He brought me here multiple times while he was at university. I didn't know he would end up moving here. I mean, I often wondered if we would move here together at one point. But I guess, I don't know. I knew he wanted to get a store with his brother. Shit. And you're his brother. It all makes sense now. I'm sorry I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have moved here." I wipe the sweat from my palms onto my jeans but that's not enough to calm me down. Before I notice what I'm doing, I'm pacing the shop floor, back and forth.

I'm unable to think, unable to breathe.

"Hey, mate, calm down," I hear Tyler say. "What's going on? Come sit down, I'm free to talk. Dax isn't here. We can go sit in the back. The shop is empty. I don't mind closing up for the day, I'm more relaxed than that fucker. Any reason for me to close early and I'm down."

"I don't know I-I. What if he decides to turn up? It's not fair. I'm probably the last person he would want to see." I move my hand behind me, feeling for something to lean against. When I feel the sofa, I hesitantly take a seat, trying to regain my breath.

Tyler gives me a puzzled look. His hand comes to the side of his face, I can see the concentration in his eyes. "Why shouldn't you? Honestly, I'm glad you are." He allows his shoulders to relax. "He told me about you, you know. I know who you are. I think I even knew who you were when you walked through the door. He didn't tell me everything, he's become closed off since we moved here." He comes to stand near the sofa and continues. "I never really understood why, he doesn't talk to me as much as he used to. Prefers to keep to himself. But, mate, he told me you were on tour. You shouldn't be here. Why are you here?"

"Medically discharged, shot. Got sent back." I awkwardly lift my shirt up, revealing the wound to him.

His eyes go slightly wide. "Shit, man. Fuck. That explains a lot. Fuck. Sorry. Ah fuck. Sorry again."

"Yep. Shit, fuck indeed," I reply without a thought.

"That explains the night in Cee's. I'm even more glad I was there to help. I'm guessing D doesn't know? You haven't bumped into him yet?"

"A part of me wishes deep down I had, or I will. I think about him from the moment I wake up, to the last second before I fall asleep. That brother of yours has embedded himself so deep into me, there's days I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it anymore, just because he isn't by my side. Dax introduced me to this town while I was on leave. He always told me how special it was to him. I understood why he felt that way the moment I first set foot here. I was lost for words. It's like a fairy tale. After being away for so long and on tour, I wanted to end up somewhere like this after the army. I knew I'd leave the army one way or another. Alive or in a body bag. I should be thankful I left the way I did, I got out. But I left so many of my brothers behind. I knew from the moment I had the discharge papers; this was where I wanted to come. I think deep down, part of me hoped and wished Dax would meet me here." I exhale a deep sigh.

"I'm the last person you should take advice from. But if there's one thing I'm certain of, mate, you came at the right time. I think deep down, he wishes you were here too. He doesn't talk much, fuck, I try. I really do try. There are times when I think I'm not a good enough brother for him. But if you know him as well as you say you do, you will already be aware of that. D, he's one of a kind. He can be such a little fucker at times, but I wouldn't change him for the world," Tyler says proudly. It's obvious he thinks highly of his brother, who doesn't?

I slowly start to stand from the sofa, chest aching, heart both beating like a drum and racing faster than lightning.

And for the first time since I got my freedom back, I find myself wishing I was back at war, far away.

I don't know if this is the universe finally giving me what I've been praying endless nights for, or if this is someone playing a joke on me.

Part of me wishes it was the former.

"I'm sorry, I need to go. I can't be here right now. Thank you, Tyler. I just can't right now," I stutter.

He doesn't let me get away that easily. "Look, Jae. Here's my number. Text me if you need anything, need to talk, need to go for a walk, need to ask questions, anything. I think you coming here now was for a reason, and for whatever that reason may be, I'd like to help. I want to help my brother get his smile back. I have a feeling we can do that with each other's help. I don't expect you to be ready today or tomorrow, or even in a week. I don't know how it feels, I'll be honest. I don't know how it feels to be in love, but I do know how it feels to have lost someone. You and D carry the same sadness in your eyes. If I can help one, maybe I can help you both. Please, let me help."

I reply with a slight nod.

"But there's one thing I need to ask of you, mate." His voice becomes more serious. I turn at a halt, giving him my full attention. "Dax thinks differently. Sometimes he does things he doesn't understand. Sometimes he does things differently than we do. He just handles things in his own way, that's all. And that's okay. That's him. I wouldn't change anything about my brother for the world. He's everything to me. Just please, go easy on him, yeah? I promise you; he means well. He's so passionate and caring. He inspires me every day. But please, just go easy. He just needs some extra time." His voice starts to break and there's a sadness to his eyes.

The love he has for his brother is obvious.

He would do anything for Dax.

As would I.

"You have nothing to worry about, Tyler, because what you're telling me about Dax, I already know. Things happened unexpectedly, but I don't hold a grudge against him for it. I just want to know if he meant what he said, and if he didn't, I want him back. If he did mean it, I'll leave him alone." I promise.

I accept the piece of paper he is handing me, and I turn on my heels, slowly making my way to the door. With each step I take, I feel the coldness of the air in the room, almost as though all the happiness had been sucked right out of it.

A part of me had always hoped I'd bump back into Dax, or we would meet at a different point in our lives with our souls calling to one another. But I just didn't think it would happen so soon. Especially not like this. Especially not catching me off guard.

The other part of me should be feeling happy, I should be rejoicing, but I am instantly struck with guilt and sadness.

Would Dax want me to be here? How would he react knowing I am?

I try not to think about it too much, not allowing myself to get my hopes up or excited about something that may not even happen.

Losing Dax was bad enough the first time. How would I live if I was to lose him a second time?

Before I realise what I'm doing, my feet take off in a sprint. Aware that I'm running, stubbornly pushing through the pain, and not allowing myself to stop.

I shouldn't be meeting Idah for another two hours yet, but being unsure of where to go or who to talk to, I decide the best place for me right now is anywhere but home.

So instead, I decide to go to the one place I've been so eager to make new memories of, the only place that feels safe for me to be right now. I force myself to stop, taking a moment to pause – to reevaluate the real reason I came back here. Wondering if that was the real reason at all. I wanted to heal. I wanted to forget. But instead, I'm hit with a collision of everything but those things. I need space to think, space to breathe, and space to gather my thoughts. The best place for me to do that, is the place I've dreamed about more than I care to admit.

The place where Dax introduced me to the stars.