17. Dax

Chapter seventeen

Dax

"All I care about is your happiness, pretty boy. As long as you're happy, nothing else matters."

Slowly lifting my head from Ty's lap, I force myself to sit up, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. My hair is getting much longer now, the thought of getting it cut has crossed my mind, but I find myself thinking of every excuse possible whenever I come to it. Brushing my hair out of my face, I lift myself from the sofa, walk over to the fridge, and get myself a bottle of cold water. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Tyler watching my every move. Probably questioning what I'm up to, just as much as I'm questioning myself.

After grabbing the water, my attention is stolen by the wooden floor panel to the right of me. If anyone were to pay close attention, they'd notice the slight lift and a small latch. I purposely didn't make anyone aware this was here because I knew I could use it as a perfect hiding space. Slowly taking a screwdriver from the top draw in the unit beside me, I slide it under the latch, prying the panel away and lifting it up slightly to slide my hand underneath. I pull out an old biscuit tin, courtesy of whoever left it in the building when we purchased it. I managed to keep some things when we were getting rid of the junk as I thought some of it could be helpful, or we could re-purpose them, but as soon as I saw this tin, I knew exactly what it would be perfect for and what I would be able to store inside.

Cautiously lifting it out, I turn it around a handful of times to make sure everything is intact and nothing has fallen out, a routine I've become accustomed to, before quickly making my way back over to Tyler where he is sitting on the sofa in silence, just watching. Mostly in puzzlement.

"I carried on writing, you know. I just didn't send them. I couldn't send another letter to him after I'd asked him not to respond or told him I wasn't going to anymore. Each letter has the right address, I think. Unless he had moved posts. Each letter has a stamp. Every letter I've written, I've walked to the post box each time with the full intention of posting it. But each time I got there, I stopped myself from doing so. It's as though there is a part of my brain that knows I shouldn't. So instead, I bring them here. Sometimes I have one letter to put in the tin, sometimes I have several. I think that's why I responded the way I did when I saw that Idah writes in her notebook. It hit me that someone else..."

"Does the same as you. That you aren't alone," Tyler whispers.

He looks hurt.

"You were never alone, Dax. You will never be alone." That's when I notice the tears in my big brother's eyes, for the second time in my life.

Fuck.

When it became just me and Tyler, he dropped everything for me. He became the father figure I had never had before, and he spent every moment of his day making sure that's exactly how I felt about him.

Tyler gave away his adulthood at a young age so he could become a parent to me.

I know he cares; it hurts that he thinks I don't.

"I'm sorry I failed you, brother. I wish I was better; I should have been better. I am better. I should have known about this; I should have picked up on the signs. It was my job to protect you when you needed it the most and I didn't do it. I've noticed things haven't been okay for a while. I should have stepped in sooner." I stop him from saying anything else.

"This isn't your fault, Tyler. Don't for one moment think it is. You will never not be enough. You are forever more than. This is just me being a selfish prick and paying the consequences. The world has finally told me to go fuck myself."

"Well, the world can go fuck itself twice over."