16. Dax

Chapter sixteen

Dax

"I knew I was in love with you the first time I saw you. I just wish I told you sooner. I wish I had more time to tell you I did."

Yesterday's weather was the worst I've seen in a while. I don't think I've ever seen lighting act so intense before. So aggressively. And because of that, the store and high street have been empty. Understandably, not many people would want to travel out, worried the thunder would return, but I can't help the feeling of jealousy that envelopes my mind.

I can't help but imagine the feeling of riding in the storm.

The pressure of the force of the wind, the lights striking up above, the sound booming all around.

"If I knew lightning was all it took to make the town close and people stay at home, I'd have arranged that myself a lonngggg time ago," Ty announces while strutting over with two coffees in hand. "Even Cee is closing the shop early – Cee. That man hasn't closed early in, I don't even want to know how many years. If our man closes early, you know it's serious."

Sometimes I wonder if Tyler thinks about what he says before he says it, almost like word vomit. But then when I sit and think harder, I realise he doesn't.

It's exhausting being the brains of the family.

I return my attention back to the rows of records I'm currently arranging in alphabetical order on display when Tyler comes to join me on the ground.

"You'll never guess who I bumped into yesterday."

"Hmm?"

"Little red riding hood."

That caught my attention. I haven't seen Idah since I ran away from her in the coffee shop.

"Since when did you give her that nickname? And how did you scare her off this time?" I reply, smirking.

"I didn't, actually. I was the knight in shining armour this time. She was in Cee's with a guy while it was thundering. The poor guy had it hard, I saw him collapse to the floor. He was hyperventilating, Cee and Idah were both panicking, they didn't know what to do. I helped move everything out the way and bring him back around. I haven't seen him around town before, Cee mentioned he hasn't been here long. She seemed really attached to him and worried. It was difficult to watch. I made sure to stick around until I knew they were both okay. You sure Idah's not attracted to men? I mean, they looked pretty close to me."

"You can be close to someone of the opposite sex and not be sexually attracted to them, you imbecile," I say with a hint of aggression in my voice.

"Yeah, well, anyway. I was just saying I'd seen her, that's all. I thought you'd be interested."

"Just because I'm attracted to both men and women doesn't mean I'm attracted to every female I come across either."

"Jeeez, don't shoot the messenger. There's no need to snap. I'm just trying to cheer you up – you've been quiet recently. You haven't been yourself. Is everything okay?"

It takes me a moment to reply to his question because I don't know the answer. Deep down, I don't know if I have ever been okay.

"I'm sorry, Ty. I'm fine, I think. Why wouldn't I be?" I lie.

Sometimes a lie is easier than the truth.

"I know you better than I know myself, D. I know when you're not okay. Please let me in. Whatever it is, we can work through it together. Yeah?" he pleads.

I don't respond to Tyler because I don't know how to.

Tyler unfolds his legs and starts to stand up, the look of defeat evident in his features. "I'll be in the back if you need me."

And he starts to walk away.

It takes me seconds to register what he's just said while I'm sitting playing with my thumbs with endless thoughts running through my mind at one million miles an hour. I've always been open with Tyler about who I am, but Jae is the one thing I've never shared with anyone. Except those who were around, mostly because I've always been scared for whatever reason, that he'd be taken away.

Until he was.

"Tyler, wait."

He stiffens and turns around slowly, hesitantly bringing his head over his shoulder, almost as though he's scared I'll change my mind and not speak to him.

"There' s something I need to talk to you about, it will probably explain everything… or some things at least. Maybe it will explain why I am the way I am, why I'm being quiet."

Am I quiet?

He doesn't say anything, only nods, letting me know it's okay for me to continue if I want to.

Do I want to?

I'm scared to talk about Jae.

I've never spoken about him to anyone, I avoid saying his name aloud in fear he'd somehow teleport to me, like that would ever be a possibility. Speaking his name means he's real, and would make what we had real. And that would mean I really did ruin us. I destroyed something so perfect.

Keeping him in my mind will hurt less.

Maybe I can convince myself he wasn't real.

I don't want to hurt anymore.

I.

Can't.

Hurt.

Anymore.

I don't notice I'm itching the skin on my hand continuously with such pressure until I feel the blood I am rubbing across my skin, an unhealthy habit I've had since my anxiety has gotten worse.

I need him to understand.

Because he's the only one left who can.

Quickly wiping the blood on the side of my black jacket, I try to hide it from Tyler. I don't want him to worry anymore. I bring my other hand to my hair, raking a hand through the blonde strands, pulling it harder than necessary in the process just to feel the pain it leaves behind, and I notice my body is trembling with nerves.

"Please, D, you don't have to talk about this if you're not ready. You don't have to do anything if you're not ready or comfortable. Please don't feel like you have to."

"I don't have to do anything, Ty, I know. But I think I need to do this. I need to talk about this. I need to talk about him."

"Him, who's him?"

‘'The reason I am the way I am. I think. Maybe. I don't know."

I notice two kinds of looks on Ty's face, one of concern and one of worry. Both, I am not proud of making him show, and I never want to see either of them again.

Holding out my hand, I point towards the sofas, suggesting it's probably a good idea to take a seat. Which is obviously better than confessing my love for a guy to my brother, while sitting on a cold, hard, wooden floor.

"Do we need more than coffee... actually, I think I have a bottle of whisky in the car?"

Of course he does.

"No, I need a clear mind."

Tyler doesn't reply to that statement, instead he takes a seat next to me on the sofa, splaying his open hand on his knee, offering it for support. With his other, he places his phone on the table, giving me his undivided attention.

I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves, preparing myself to speak out loud everything I've wanted to keep on paper.

"Moving away to university was difficult for me, as you're aware, I hadn't visited before and moved there without any real knowledge of the place. Thankfully I was put with some cool people in the halls, who you met that one time."

"Oh yeah, what did I call them? Ah. dipshit and dipshit jr."

"Tyler."

"Sorry. I'm listening," he replies, swiping a finger over his mouth in a locking motion.

We both know that means nothing.

"I kept to myself for the first two years, I wanted to focus on the reason I went to university in the first place – so we could have our dream. I didn't have any interest in going out or making friends. Every time I was asked if I wanted to go to a pub or a party, I rejected every offer. Ignored every invite. I didn't see the point in saying yes because I didn't want to go in the first place. You know how I am. Prefer my own company and all that. I don't know why I gave in one night, maybe I just thought it was my last year, I may as well get some sort of university experience while I can. It was before term time; people hadn't returned from summer break yet and new students hadn't started. The only people that were around the town were locals, so I thought to hell with it. Why not enjoy myself once, I guess."

I take a moment to have a breather, silently questioning myself as to why I rejected the option of having something heavier than coffee in the first place. I would have happily welcomed a shot of whiskey right now.

"Anyway, we went to the local, there was just us three. Did you know Chester had lots of squaddies? Yeah, me neither. Fucking idiots. Anyway, three guys were at the table playing pool, they were arguing about who played who when they won, and I just thought I'd offer to play the winner, mostly to stop them from arguing because they were annoying and the noises were too loud. But that's when one of them turned around and looked me right in the eyes. Probably easier to say he stared into my soul because that's how it felt." I play with the cuff of my sleeve, not ready to face Tyler's penetrative stare. I don't want to see how he's responding to what I'm saying. Instead, I take his hand in my own, taking in a deep breath.

And I continue.

"I always knew I was attracted to boys and girls; I don't care what label anyone has for me, I am me and that is all that matters. I try not to care what other people think. But I'd never been interested in anyone before. I didn't have the time. Having someone in my life has never been a priority, you know this. I'm comfortable on my own. But fuck, Ty. I don't believe in fate or love, but fuck, he could definitely make me try. We both gravitated towards one another quickly, and pretty soon we became inseparable. We started spending as much time together as we could, he lived in the barracks, so it was easier for him to come to my house."

"Please don't tell me you fucked a squaddie, D…"

I shrug.

"Even I haven't done that and I'm pretty sure it's on my bucket list. I don't know if I should be angry or proud. Maybe a little of both."

"Ty, I'm pouring my heart out; I don't want to hear about your conquests."

"Shit, yeah. You're right. Sorry, D. Please continue so I know why I'm going to have to cut off a squaddie's dick."

With a sigh and a shake of the head, I carry on. Squeezing his hand in comfort. A silent thanks shared between the two of us.

"Okay. Fuck. I haven't spoken about this out loud before because I didn't want this to be real. Part of me always wished for it to be a dream or a nightmare."

"Take your time."

Another hand squeeze.

"I got too used to him being around. Too used to being with someone. Too used to no longer being on my own, it felt like he was moulded to me. I knew he would leave eventually, I knew what his job entailed. But that didn't matter to me, I couldn't stop myself from falling for him, and fuck did I fall. He brought out the bright parts of me I buried so deep that I never thought it would be possible for them to be found. He made me so much happier to the point I was singing again and dancing in the kitchen. All the things I enjoyed doing before Mum died."

I inhale a deep breath before continuing,

"I didn't want to doubt or second guess what we had, I just lived every day oblivious to the signs that I was never meant to be happy for so long and the world would come back to collect its debt. It was me who hurt him, you know? When we found out he was being called to go out to Afghanistan, I couldn't do it - I took it as him leaving me for good. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that wasn't true. It was screaming that it wasn't true and I tried not to let it win. I guess I am my own worst enemy after all…" My throat feels dry, and my head aches with how hard I'm thinking while confessing. "We promised we'd write to each other but, Ty, it wasn't enough. I couldn't do it."

I stop for a moment, trying to regain my steady voice.

"I wasn't enough for him."

Feeling as though I'm unable to sit up right any more from crying so much, I decide it's easier for me to lay down, no longer forcing myself to sit up straight. Not wanting to leave Ty's embrace, I lay my head on his lap and continue to cry while he's stroking my back, another sign of thanks.

"We promised we would write to one another, and we did, I always did. I wrote almost every day to him, I struggled to stop. I kept giving myself excuses to write, I told him everything. I was so used to him being there for me to talk to, it felt normal to continue telling him so much, just through the use of letters. It's the only way I could feel close to him while he wasn't here. But I noticed a decline in myself. I was slowly going back to the person I was before he came into my life, and I don't know why it was happening. I mean, if I could take a guess, it would be because I got so used to someone being there, and then all of a sudden, he wasn't. I didn't know how it would affect me, but I didn't think it would affect me as badly as it did. After time had passed and we continued to write, I knew I needed to be the one to do something about it. Because, Ty, I couldn't take the pain anymore. It felt like I had lost someone all over again. In the last letter I wrote to him, I asked him not to respond and I told him I wouldn't be writing anymore. I had to be selfish. I'm such a fucking dick, Tyler. What if something happened to him? I don't know where he is, I don't know how he is. I don't know if he cares. I know nothing. And knowing nothing is worse than him not being here with me. It's what keeps me up at night. When I do finally get a chance to sleep, it's what makes me have nightmares. It's what steals the smile from my face. I've pushed everything away from myself and I'm the only one to blame."

As soon as I have finished that sentence, I realise I am no longer able to talk, no longer crying. But panting. Shaking. Unable to breathe.

I'm holding onto Tyler tighter than I have ever held on to anything in my life. Scared if I let go, he'll leave me too.

I attempt to think about something else, anything else, flowers or music, but my mind starts to go into a panic and work overtime, and I'm left regretting what I've said out loud, feeling embarrassed in some ways. Because now I have finally realised why I feel the way I feel.

I'm the reason I feel this way.

It was all my fault.

"D, you were protecting yourself and you were protecting him. You weren't acting in a way to hurt him – you were trying to help him. Please stop doing this to yourself. You're hurting yourself. Let me in, please, let me help."

"I don't deserve help, Ty. I only deserve the pain I'm feeling right now."

"Pain is only temporary. It's what we do to fix it that isn't, and believe me, D, we're going to fix it."

But what if he's wrong, what if it's too late to be fixed?