15. Jae

Chapter fifteen

Jae

"I think about you every day. I know I can't tell you, but I can't forget you either."

I don't remember much about last night. I think I passed out as soon as I climbed into bed, which probably explains why I'm still wearing yesterday's clothes. The last thing I can remember is Idah locking the door as soon as we'd both come inside.

Idah.

With no idea of where Idah could be in the house, or if she's even still here, I swing my legs over the side, slowly sitting up straight.

"PTSD can trigger panic attacks, which is completely normal. It's your mind and body's way of reacting to trauma." The words from the therapist I was assigned to after I came home ring in my head as I force myself to take a quick shower and get ready for the day.

I carefully take the stairs one at a time, before turning into the living room on the right. Advancing towards the sofa, I notice Idah's feet dangling over the side of the armrest. I quietly turn away, not wanting to wake her, when I hear her voice. "Hey, soldier. Did you sleep okay? I was going to go home but I was worried you would have another panic attack in the night. I thought it was just easier for me to stay. You have a comfy sofa at least."

Soldier .

I didn't realise how much I've missed being called that.

"I'm sorry you slept on the sofa." I wince. "I do have a spare room, you know. If you had looked, you would have been able to find it. It's being saved for when one of the lads comes and visits, but you're welcome to it too."

"Hey! I'm not snooping," she protests. "I've watched enough crime documentaries, thank you. What if you had something hidden in there?"

I lift a brow and smirk. "But you still came to my house?"

"Touché," she concedes. "Well, anyway, you passed out as soon as we got through the door so I just settled with the sofa. It was comfy enough. ten out of ten experience. I do recommend it."

I can't stop myself from laughing at her reply – I wonder sometimes how someone who is struggling so much is able to have a smile so bright, with everything hiding behind it. It's inspiring really. How people go on no matter what has happened in their lives. It reminds me I need to do the same.

"Anyway, I was worried about you. I couldn't leave. It was no problem for me to stay. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." She beams.

Her words take me back and I feel myself almost close to crying but manage to stop before the tears start. For a long time, I think I've needed someone to take care of me, no matter how much I try not to admit it. Isaac has tried endless times. Bee has too. She has started texting me and calling me to give me updates when she can. Understandably, they contact each other more than they do me. I'd have his head if he didn't. So, I am grateful to know he's okay, no matter how I find out. Bee has asked multiple times if I want her to come visit or if I want to go to her; and honestly, I've thought about it. It's just that the idea of being at their house too soon hurts my heart in more ways than one. So instead, I think it's best for us to stay away from one another for now. We've exchanged photos and I've become a pro at taking selfies, but I think it's just too soon to be together face-to-face. I don't feel ready.

I'm scared I won't want to come back, even if I have started to make a life here.

"Remember, it may take a while for things to go back to normal, which is also completely normal. You may not want to be around people or do things you once enjoyed. Don't feel like you need to force yourself to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. People deal with things differently and that's fine. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to healing. Take everything at your own pace, it isn't a race." The therapist's words drill through my head, again.

Taking a seat next to Idah, I embrace her hand with my own, leaning them into my chest over the top of my heart. "I will never be able to thank you enough. You're my own guardian angel. I wonder if Lottie sent you to me, knowing you'd be able to help me."

Her eyes well up with tears. "I think she sent us to each other."

And for a long while, we sit, embraced in each other's warmth, tears falling, but none of sadness, only happiness.

The morning goes by quickly. We both freshened up and cooked some breakfast before I gave Idah a real tour of the house. I showed her the garden I've taken a liking to and she stared in awe, telling me she understood why I didn't want to leave my house, agreeing that she wouldn't want to leave either. The cottage is almost finished now and with all the decorating and purchasing, I think I've found a new hobby. While we were both working in the garden planting more bulbs and cutting some sunflowers for Lottie, I told her multiple stories about being on tour, and stories about Isaac and the other guys when we were back on the base. It's been nice having someone to talk to and someone who can listen; it doesn't make me feel as lonely anymore. It makes me not want to feel lonely again. After her asking me to introduce her to the guys at one point, she made me swear with a pinky promise on the spot. "You always keep a pinky promise. They are the worst things to break," she had stated while holding her pinky out, waiting for me to wrap mine around her extended one.

I don't need any more bad luck, so I've signed my life over to her with that one move.

After collecting a bouquet of sunflowers for Lottie, Idah decides it's time for her to head off to spend some time at the grave. Normally I'd follow along, but after how last night went and with having a busy morning, the best thing for me right now is to relax and try and get as much sleep as I can. Before opening the gate to leave the garden, she turns on her heels, putting her hand inside her bag, and then brings something small in a brown envelope out. She carefully hands it over, tucking a loose strand of her red hair behind her ear with a timid smile. "I've started getting into jewellery. It's new for me, kinda like you with your garden. I'm really enjoying it. I made you something small, to say thank you for the friendship you've given me." Handing over the envelope, she looks up at me. "I hope you like it. I thought you could add it onto your chain with your dog tags." Instead of waiting for my reaction, she is already out of the gate with her flowers in hand. Warmth fills me as I slowly open up my gift, gently taking the tissue-wrapped item out, revealing a small silver sunflower. Instantly taking the chain from around my neck, I slide the sunflower on, grasping it in my hand with a smile on my face.

A sunflower was something symbolic to me, something special. It's strange how something so simple can have so much meaning, and even though I hadn't told Idah about what the flower means to me, I loved seeing how much it meant to her.

Stepping off the bus and walking the quick two-minute journey to his door; I raise my hand to knock when I can hear the faint music coming from headphones behind me. In the next moment, arms come round my waist, pulling me close against a hard body, followed by a light kiss against my shoulder.

"Perfect timing, pretty boy." My voice comes out a lot huskier than usual.

"How did you know it was me?" He asks, untangling his arms from my waist and moving forward to unlock the front door.

I chuckle. "Oh, I don't know, maybe the tattoos on your hands or your height gave it away. Most kidnappers would try and put their hands over the other person's mouth, no? You can't reach that far."

He responds to that by jabbing me in the arm before he turns to push the door open.

I don't give him time to respond or do anything else. As soon as the door opens, I rush in front of him, taking hold of his arm as I pull him inside with me. I'm pushing him up against the wall before closing the door behind us with my foot. I tilt my head down, bringing my hand to his chin to pull his face up to meet mine so our lips collide in a frenzied kiss of teeth and lips. Nipping and sucking at one another, I swallow his moans like he does mine. Pulling away from his embrace, I press a kiss to his nose.

I could kiss him for the rest of my life, if he would let me.

Taking a step back from him, all we can hear is each other's heaving breathing, trying to regain our breath.

He holds his hand out and I gladly accept as he leads us to his bedroom.

Once through the door, I make myself comfortable on the bed. Dax doesn't have much in his bedroom. It's obvious it isn't his family home and he's a student. There's a few band posters, some CDs scattered across the floor, a TV, and endless piles of washing. It's his space. Everything from the items in his room and the ocean scent with a hint of caramel screams Dax, and as soon as I'm in his space, I'm comfortable. I'm content. I'm happy.

It doesn't take long for him to join me after he's taken his jacket and shirt off and changed into some grey joggers instead of his tight jeans.

He sits to the side of me, looking towards the arm on my chest, waiting for an invite. After moving my arm, it is soon replaced with his head as he cuddles into me.

I slowly trace my finger over the lines tattooed on his skin, making him shiver from the contact. I've never been interested in tattoos, but the ones decorating his skin look like a work of art. As though they were always meant to be there.

"You know, you've never really told me why you have tattoos of so many flowers, they're beautiful. What do they mean?"

"You've never asked, soldier." He grins mischievously. "But flowers have different meanings. They all have their own purposes. Each flower is used for a different reason. Like, a Belladonna, meaning silence. Lilies meaning purity, a pink rose means happiness, and a Peony means beauty." He lists the flowers he has tattooed on him one by one, telling me the meaning behind them all. It's amazing to hear how much knowledge he has of them and how he blushes when he explains the meaning behind each one.

"You have a sunflower tattooed the most on you, what does that mean?"

"It has a few meanings. Positivity, happiness, good luck, health and the most important I think, hope."

I slide my hand underneath his chin, dipping my head down once more, stealing his breath away, pressing my lips against his. After we're once again left panting, struggling to breathe, I look deeply into his ocean blue eyes and whisper, "Beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful. Especially your mind. The way you see things. The way you understand things differently." I press my lips to his once again, pulling him closer in my arms, pressing his body close on top of mine.

Sunflowers are the meaning of positivity, happiness and hope.

It's as though she knew what they meant to me, all along.