12. Dax

Chapter twelve

Dax

"I tried my hardest to forget you. But the more I tried to, the more I couldn't."

I don't stop to think as I run as fast as I can to the car park behind the shop and hope Ty doesn't see me or question what's happened. Because right now, I don't know what to say to anyone. Let alone know what to think or do.

"Your dog tags, he wears similar ones like that too."

Of course, Jae would have similar dog tags to me because the ones I wear every day belong to him.

His name, his identification number.

It isn't the same Jae. It can't be.

But that isn't the information playing on my mind on a constant loop.

He's struggling.

The thought of Jae struggling makes me feel physically sick, and before long I notice I am uncontrollably crying, feeling the tears weigh down my lashes, while desperately trying to keep my focus on riding along the narrow roads towards the cliffs. I hold on tighter to brace myself for the swift corner I've come to, wishing in the back of my mind I didn't wear my helmet. Stupid thought. But I would be able to see through the shield more clearly.

Multiple questions play over and over again in my head, asking myself why would he be here, how could it be possible for him to be here? and who did he come here with?

Did he bring someone here?

Would he?

But each question leads back to the same answer.

Jae can't be here because he's in Afghanistan

Jae is still in Afghanistan for three more months.

Jae can't be here.

He. Can't. Be. Here.

Adrenaline runs through my veins at high speed, the impact blocking out everything else around me. My body has already gone numb from the cold wind colliding with me as I grip onto the handles firmly. And after an eighteen-minute ride, I'm at the walkway of my safe haven.

Frantically throwing my leg over the seat, I allow the lump of metal to fall to the ground. Ignoring the sound of the bike meeting the curb, I do what I do best. I take off and run.

Adjusting myself at the edge of the cliff, I bring my knees to my chest. My voice turns hoarse as my throat starts to burn. I scream until I can't any longer.

The need to let out all the pain, the heart ache, the sorrow, the longing and the sadness all at once.

The need to forget.

Bringing my right hand to the chain around my neck, my fingers trail along the metal and the key which hangs to their side. Clasping them in a tight grip, I'm unable to let go. As I welcome the stinging pain from the hold, with my other hand, I feel the earth beneath me, pulling at the shards of grass, grounding me, as I stare out to the ocean. I tilt my head back to the sky, taking in the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks below. The anger in the sound, the pain, is something I can relate to.

Moments later, the waves start to calm. If only my mind could calm as easily. With my distraction depleting, my mind trails back to Jae and the mere possibility that he could be back in town.

But why?

Not knowing the answer has left me feeling anxious.

The fact that even if he was, he shouldn't be.

I pause for another moment, one, two, three.

So, if he was here, that means that something must be wrong.

Guilt comes back to me at the same speed the waves crash against the rocks. I should never have ended things between us the way I did, but at that time I didn't think much about what I was doing or why I was doing it – I just saw it as a way to protect him from me.

I didn't want to disappoint my hero when he came home from tour, with who I had become while he was away.

I couldn't.

And I have regretted writing that letter every day since.

Part of me hoped and dreamed that he would reply. I was neither surprised nor shocked when I didn't receive a response. Not with me stating that I didn't want him to write to me anymore. And I don't blame him for it either.

Finally lifting my head, I realise how much the sky has grown darker, unaware of how long I've been sitting here. Thankfully, when I disappear for hours on end, Ty knows exactly where to find me. Moving my hand to my pocket, I remember I've left my phone in the seat compartment on the bike, groaning, I stand, stretching my legs and arms. Sitting on the ground for hours curled over isn't good for my back, but with how numb I'd become from blocking out my feelings, luckily, that wasn't a problem.

As I start to straighten out the creases that have now formed on my jacket, I hear footsteps approaching from behind.

Please be him, please be him, please be him.

Please don't be him, please don't be him, please don't be him.

I chant over and over in my mind. I shouldn't be getting my hopes up, but a small, sheepish smile forms on my face at the thought of seeing the one person I want to see the most, again.

"I knew you'd be here; it's getting late. I've put the bike on the car, come on, bro."

My heart sinks.

Not the voice I wanted to hear.

"I had to come. I lost track of time; I left my phone in the seat of the bike. I was just about to head back. Sorry if I worried you. I couldn't think straight. I just needed to get away," I whisper. Voice trembling. Body shaking, mostly because of the cold wind coming from the sea.

"Never apologise, D. We've done this dance a million times before, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Jackie texted me saying you left in a hurry; do you want to talk about it?" He keeps his distance from me, he knows how I am with interaction sometimes. He prefers to let me come to him. Especially at times like this. I try to reply to him, but my words are caught in my throat. I don't know where to start, I don't know what to say. I don't know what Tyler would think.

Guilt strikes, because I've never been worried about that before; I've always been open and honest with him about everything. My sexuality and about who I am as a person, especially. He always wanted the best for me. Just this time, things feel different, and I'm not sure why.

I go to reach into my pockets, pulling on the material inside my jacket; hoping it will help me to feel I have some support, and I look up to Ty, preparing myself to respond to the question we both know he desperately wants the answer to. "I…"

"D, it's okay, don't worry. I'm in no rush, I'm just glad you're okay. You know I'm here if you need me though, yeah?"

"Yeah, Tyler. I'm sorry. I just need some time." I slowly start to follow him back to the car, dragging my feet along the ground with each step I take.

"We all do, D. When you're ready, I'm here. Come on, let's go home, man, it's freezing. We can go pick up a takeout on the way home, my treat."

"Only if we can get sushi…"

"Deal."