11. Dax

Chapter eleven

Dax

"Did I tell you I have your photo in my helmet? I know you don't like photos. But I'm not sorry."

Hiring a guitar teacher at the shop has been one of the best and one of the most stupid ideas that has ever entered my mind. That being said, we did have a successful turnout with the first handful of lessons and now, Tyler has got into his head he wants to form some sort of rock band, which is both scary and amazing to see. I haven't seen him excited about something in a long time, and that I'm thankful for. And he isn't the only one who has been excited. On the days of music lessons, the shop has quickly become a hub for younger children and teens who are also as excited to learn as we are.

But no matter how excited I am about a new business prospect, I can't help the feeling of dread because honestly, children scare me. It's not the children themselves which worry me, it's the endless loop of memories which play over in my head from when I was younger. The thoughts of what gets said to those who are different, how people react when others do anything differently, the pressure, the instability.

Growing up, I have always been open and honest about not wanting to have children due to the fear and responsibility that comes along with them, to which everyone's reply was, "You just haven't met the right person yet. You will when you do."

But nope, children were not on the cards for me. Not now. Not ever.

My bike is my child; that's enough.

When the younger students fill the store, the excitement and energy fills the room. I can't recall a time when I had last seen Tyler with so much happiness since opening day. It was almost as though a spark in him came alight. And he deserved to be happy. The moment we knew Mum wouldn't be coming home, he did the unforgettable. He dropped everything to become the parent to me, to take the place of the one I no longer had. With no questions or hesitation, both our worlds changed within the blink of an eye. And I will always feel as though he suffered more than I did. He made sure I had a chance to get out. I had a chance to live my dreams. While he sat and placed his on hold. I've never taken what he has done for me, for granted. I could never thank him enough. The excitement and energy that came from him when the store was filling up, reminded me of our family nights with Mum. And I think he feels that way, too.

The students didn't only bring life into the store; they brought life into us.

Since the first lesson three weeks ago, I have noticed a small boy who must be around the age of twelve or thirteen routinely coming into the store in his school uniform looking at the guitars displayed along the back wall. I've learnt that he never touches them, but he likes to look at them, it is the same at the music lessons. He doesn't have any intention of playing but he does come with an older brother, and he enjoys watching him play as well as watching everyone else.

Each time he comes into the store, I notice him wearing a sunflower lanyard around his neck and a pair of headphones, which, after a quick realisation, aren't headphones but are ear defenders, which are mostly used to cancel out the noise around him. I imagine they come in handy during the guitar lessons. They aren't the thing that stands out to me the most though. It's the way his face lights up when he watches his brother play as he focuses on his finger movements with the strings, it's the same way I felt when I started listening to music whenever I wanted to drown out all the other noises around me.

The music makes him feel grounded.

While in the store, I haven't noticed him communicating with anyone other than his brother, and it pains me seeing no one try to talk to him either. During my years in education, I had always been seen as an outsider. People didn't take the time to get to know me, therefore many people didn't understand me, and over the years, I learnt that was okay. It's okay for people not to understand you. But you will also meet people who do. When you meet those people, you hold on tightly and you don't let go.

And to those who don't put in the effort to understand you or don't acknowledge you, it's their loss.

Seeing him looking at the guitars reminds me of a small part of myself and with that, each time he comes in I make sure he's comfortable. I don't go over to talk to him, and he doesn't come to talk to me. Instead, I offer him a friendly smile, making sure he knows I'm here if he needs anyone, and I hide away behind the counter so I'm close by for whatever reason and he knows where to find me.

"Hey, bro, I have it covered here. Why not go get us some coffees from next door?" I hear Tyler pant, struggling to breathe as I notice him carrying a stack of boxes full of stock down the staircase to put on the shop floor. Part of me is confused he's actually putting out stock, but the other part of me doesn't question as a coffee is exactly what is needed right now.

"Hey, Jackie," I cheerfully announce as I walk over to the counter in Cee's, Jackie is one of the only other individuals Cee will accept help from apart from me and Tyler, and before I manage to reply to her, I have a coffee in front of me almost as though she has a sixth sense and knew I was about to walk through the door. Without a reason to rush back to the shop, I take the freshly made drink and make my way to the table in front of the window. My favourite seat. Not only can I see the entrance of Ocean Notes so I can rush back in case a large number of customers enters, but I can see the rest of the high street and the ocean in the far distance behind, and for my shared efforts of teasing Tyler and doing nothing else, I think I deserve a break and a sit down.

Recently, since I've attempted to get back into reading, my Kindle has come most places with me, so I take a moment to relax, returning to the book I've been reading in the hope I can get lost in the world for a little while. I've never been picky about what I enjoy reading, as long as I have a good plot, I am sold. After debating between multiple titles, I decide to return back to Entangled by Rebecca Quinn and take a moment to laugh at myself. I have never been more jealous of a woman in my life. Not only does she have a decent cheese supply, she has multiple men there to pleasure her every want and need. I can't even handle one army guy, let alone five. But a guy can dream, right?

However, dreamland is quickly disturbed shortly after sitting down as the entrance door flies wide open and in comes strolling the same red-haired girl who walked into my shop not so long ago. Idah. I think.

"Oh hey, Idah. I didn't realise you were working today. I thought it was your day off. What are you doing here?" Jackie shouts over from the counter.

"Hey, no. I'm not working today. Just went to take some flowers to Lottie with a friend. I was on my way back so thought I'd call in. Wasn't feeling like going home to a lonely flat just yet. Can I help with anything?"

"Don't be silly, love. I'm fine, we're quiet today anyway. Go sit yourself down and get comfy, I'll bring you over a drink and a sandwich…" I stop and pause for a second. Jackie never offered me a sandwich. Looking up from my kindle I glance over.

"Dax, don't act like you didn't just give me that look. I'm already making you one. I know I don't need to ask you. Idah I'm not sure if you've met Dax already, he owns the record store with his brother."

"Yep. Fully aware of him and his brother. Can't forget if I wanted to," Idah replies with her head dug inside her bag. She soon stands straight after pulling a notepad and pen out.

Fuck.

I can only stare dumbfounded at her response.

"Why don't you go take a seat at the table with Dax, I'll bring your things over to you," Jackie suggests, already making her way out back to where the kitchen area is.

"Okay, thanks," Idah replies quietly, not much louder than a whisper.

Automatically my body tenses up, I'm not used to being around people often and I try to avoid interactions with others as much as possible when outside the store. But as she is already on her way over to the table, there's nothing I can do about it. Instead, I smile her way and place my Kindle back in the pocket on the inside of my jacket, promising to return back to the world I can get lost within as soon as I can.

"Hey, Idah, I just want to apologise for the way things went with my brother and in the store. I'm sorry if either of us made you feel uncomfortable – that wasn't our intention at all. As you can imagine we don't often come across people our own age around here, it's more of a pensioners' town if you haven't already noticed. Just kinda throws us off seeing people our age, you know? Doesn't help that Ty will flirt with anyone who has a pulse."

"I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult."

I can't help but smirk at her reply, one because I don't blame her for having that reaction, and two, I'd love to see the face on him if he were to hear her say that. "Smart. Anyway, you have nothing to worry about with him I don't think. He is a flirt, but he means well, he's harmless. I told him you're not interested anyway, I mean, I don't know if you are, I'm sorry if I've overstepped."

"No, you're right, I'm not. I'm not interested in guys, anyway. I'm not afraid to say it, I'm comfortable with who I am. It just never came up in the conversation. But don't worry. Thanks for saying something, though. He seems harmless, I wasn't offended. I was just taken back, you know. Haven't really been around many people since what happened with my girlfriend." She coughs. "Erm, ex-girlfriend. I just feel overwhelmed at times. Often feel like I need to escape situations when I feel uncomfortable." She awkwardly looks around me, trying to focus her attention on anything other than myself.

Well, that's one feeling I can relate to.

"Nice sunflowers anyway. You said you went to see Lottie. Sorry, I didn't mean to be listening to your conversation. She's your ex, right? Are you still friends?"

"You could say that, I guess. As close as can be. I go take her fresh flowers every other day. A friend has offered to do it if it becomes too much for me. That's where I've just come from, actually. We went for a walk and went and spoke to her for a while."

Idah stops mid-conversation as her phone ringtone cuts her off and she takes the phone from her pocket.

"Hi, Jae," she says as she answers the phone, and the name she says sends chills down my spine. I start to cough, almost choking while drinking after hearing her say the one name I didn't expect to hear again. She quickly pulls the phone away from her face, covering the microphone, "Take it easy, here, I have a bottle of water I haven't opened, take a sip." Already sliding it over the table towards me before turning back to her phone call. "Yeah, sorry, I'm fine. I've just come to the coffee shop for a sit down. I'll let you know when I'm home. Thank you again for coming with me… Yeah, that's fine. Okay. Bye."

Jae.

Idah also has a Jae.

Jae is a common name, right?

Because it couldn't be my Jae. No, he's not mine anymore. I can't call him that.

"Speak of the devil. That was him, he was making sure I'd gotten home okay. It's good knowing someone else is new in the area. It's been really nice getting to know him actually, he's been really helpful, seems to know a lot more about this place than I do," she hesitantly replies, putting her pen onto paper, writing away.

Jae. Jae. Jae. There's got to be a million people with that name. It can't be who I think it is.

It can't.

"He's new to town, did you say? I haven't met a Jae yet. I used to know someone with the same name, that's interesting." My lips start to tremble. My voice almost a whisper by the end of my reply.

"Yeah, he mentioned that someone he used to know introduced him to this place a while back. I think he's struggling with something too. It's nice not to struggle alone," she continues, oblivious to my spiraling.

My body freezes as I take hold of the dog tags around my neck and squeeze.

I squeeze harder and harder and harder, pulling at the chain with such force I'm surprised it doesn't snap from around my neck.

"He's struggling... Jae. Has he ever mentioned why?" I know it's a forward question. One I have no right to know the answer to, but my mouth acts quicker than my mind. Before I know what I'm saying, I've already said it.

"Not really. We haven't spoken much about why he is. He doesn't seem to want to talk about that, so I haven't pushed him for it." She lifts her head up slightly to pause writing in her notepad, offering me a sad smile. She stills for a moment, her eyes trailing along the chain on my neck. "Hey, your dog tags. He wears similar ones like that too. I noticed them on him today actually. That's cool. He's really nice. He could do with getting to know some more people in the area too."

Dog tags.

Jae.

Jae and dog tags.

This can't be happening.

"Look, I'm sorry, I've got to go." I shiver as I quickly brush my hair away from my eyes, then bring my hand down to rub over my face. I need to get out of here. I can't breathe. Pushing myself away from the table, I abruptly stand. "Hey Jackie, send a text to Ty yeah? Let him know he has a coffee and sandwich waiting. Can you tell him I've got to go. I can't be here right now. He'll understand, thanks." I don't think about what I'm doing or what I'm saying.

All I know is that I need to leave.

And before either of them can stop me, I'm out the door. Running round the back of the shop to retrieve my bike as fast as I can.