10. Jae

Chapter ten

Jae

"I wish you never had to leave me in the first place."

"Major. Summers. Delivery for you," Private Smith says as he passes me a small envelope.

"Thanks, mate," I reply with a curt nod.

Writing to Dax weekly and receiving his letters back has become a highlight for me while being on the field. It's something I can look forward to and something that will distract me from everything else going on around me.

Being on tour has never impacted me so much before, mostly because I had no one at home who would be missing me or anyone I could miss. I had always been thankful for becoming close to the lads and for them becoming my family because no matter what went on out here, at least we had someone. But having Dax was different from that. He wasn't just my friend or my family. I quickly realised soon after meeting him, he became my everything.

Taking the letter back to my bed, I block out all those around me to read in silence.

The letter starts off as they normally do, he tells me about how he will be graduating in the coming months. I hate that I can't be there cheering him on, he knows if I could, I'd be the loudest in the crowd. He goes on to mention how he and his brother, Tyler, have plans and have been talking about opening a record shop, he's told me they've visited a few potential stores, but nothing has stuck, or he hasn't felt the "magic" as he would say.

Reading that line alone fills me with an endless amount of joy because in my head, I can imagine exactly how he is saying it.

I've heard Dax speak of Tyler multiple times, but I haven't met him. I am excited when it's time to go home because the way Dax speaks about him makes me feel as though I've known him all along.

"Casanova of The North," as Dax refers to him.

And the fact that every time I mention his name, he likes to remind me he's straight.

It's almost as though Dax is worried I'd leave him for his brother.

But deep down, we both know I wouldn't leave him for anyone.

Reading further through the words of support and love, I realise there's a smaller page at the back. I hadn't noticed, it was hidden amongst the pages, but coming to the last, I realised what it was just by reading the first line, and nothing else.

A letter of both apology and sadness.

A letter I never thought I would receive.

I'm not proud to admit but unfortunately, my mind gravitates to one thing and one thing only, he's met someone else and wants to be with them instead of me.

The number one reason why I choose not to get too close to anyone.

Because I can't handle rejection.

I can't handle the pain I currently feel in my chest, the feeling that someone has ripped my heart out right in front of my eyes.

Without realising, I'm panting. Struggling to breathe. Unable to focus on anything around me. I drop the pages to the floor, placing my head in my hands, unable to read anything more than a few lines.

And for the first time around the guys, I'm not the one smiling anymore after reading a letter filled with love and hope.

For the first time, I hold my head and I cry.

"Jae, what's wrong? Come on, mate. I've got you," a familiar voice questions from behind.

Noah.

I feel his arms come around me, creating a sense of safety and protection.

Part of me wants to laugh that Noah has become like this, being the kid brother to us all, it's normally us who are shielding him. Yet, I've never seen him be so protective.

And for that I am thankful.

I feel my body start to shake and my throat becomes dry from the words I've just read from the piece of paper, I wish it had never arrived.

Without a thought, I remove myself from his embrace, pushing him away as I roll up my sleeve, uncovering the one word that stares back at me, only wanting it to disappear. The definition of the word no longer holding its meaning.

The only thought running through my head right now is the need to remove it from my body. Not knowing what else to do, I start to claw at my skin. Itching again and again in a repeat motion, with one aim only, to remove.

I welcome the burning sensation from my skin starting to become sore, starting to bleed.

But it doesn't fade. It stays, staring up at me. Taunting me.

Reminding me of the joke I must have become. And the lies I believed all along.

"Jae... Don't do that. You're going to hurt yourself." I've never seen a look of so much concern on Noah's face before, and it makes me feel guilty. I'm the protector, I'm the safety net. I never wanted him to be that for me.

Right now, I'm neither of those things. And honestly, I don't know what pains me more.

"I don't care. I just want it gone. I need it gone." I continue to itch, ignoring Noah's plea to stop.

It's enough of a sting to make me forget, even just for a moment.

Quickly rushing to my side with a small first aid kit, Noah pushes my arm away, forcing me to stop the attack on myself, and takes out a packet of antiseptic wipes to clean the area.

Once he's finished cleaning the area, he takes a bandage from the same case, carefully wrapping it around the wound.

I'm not the Jae I'm known to be, and the fact I've just had my heart broken by the last person I thought would be capable of doing so enforces that.

"Jae, mate, what's wrong? Is Dax okay?" Noah whispers into my ear. He places the first aid kit on the floor and pulls me into his side, making sure not to hurt my wrist. It takes me a moment to notice he's rocking us both back and forth in comfort, something I've done to him multiple times when he's been upset.

"He doesn't want me anymore," I whisper to myself, but Noah hears me, squeezing me tighter. My throat feels hoarse, and my eyes are blurry from tears that I've cried, now soaking through his T-shirt.

Being on the field means you see things you would never be able to imagine. You are hurt in ways you would never think was even possible.

And you cry, because it's the only thing you're able to do.

Normally, I hate being in a room alone and enjoy being surrounded by others, my family. But right now, I've never been more thankful for it to be just me and Noah in the room alone.

"I can't read the rest, Noah. I read the first few lines, and I can't. I can't. Please don't make me do it."

"You don't have to do anything," he promises.

I feel one of his arms leave his stronghold as he bends down to pick up the pages I dropped to the floor, and with nothing but silence between us, I hear him quietly whisper the words "Motherfucker," as he returns his arm back around me, shielding me from everything on the outside.

Dax ending our relationship the way he did while I was on tour was something I never anticipated he was capable of doing. The hardest part of all was coming to realise I didn't mean to him what I thought I did, and that I didn't mean to him as much as he meant to me. And with his request and somewhat explanation, I didn't reply to the letter. But that didn't stop me from writing.

The most important part about being a soldier, to me, is keeping a routine, and I wanted to maintain that whether the letters would reach Dax or not – I had to keep going.

Instead, every letter I wrote, Noah placed inside of this container. He kept it safe with his belongings so I didn't feel an impulse to read them like I once did, and I kept my mind focused and engaged the best I could.

Until I got shot.

I couldn't afford distractions, and then it hit me at a time when I was off guard.

I couldn't bring myself to read the letters after I had seen the envelopes. Which is both a nightmare and a blessing in disguise.

After carefully putting the letters back into the box the same way I had taken them out, I discard the larger box and place the container in the bottom drawer of the dressing unit to keep it out of sight. Hopefully they get forgotten about and are never seen again.

And for the hundredth time since moving to my sanctuary, I question if moving here was the right thing for me to do after all.

Thankfully my thoughts are distracted quickly when I notice my phone flashing and the ringtone going off showing a text message on the screen from an unsaved number.

Unknown: Hey, I don't know if you remember me. I mean, you probably don't. I'm the girl you met in Cee's, notepad, red hair, fan of rhodium, right? Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to do something as we're both lonely. Cee has been pushing me for a week to text. Do you want to meet for a coffee or go for a walk? I like to take a long walk through the graveyard most days around noon, if you feel like joining, you're more than welcome too. I guess we could both use a friend right now. Idah x

Quickly putting my shoes and coat on, I find myself smiling again. Maybe Idah is right. We could both do with a friend

As I'm walking along the narrow streets, surrounded by the sight of green trees and fresh air, I'm distracted from all my negative thoughts, and I am reminded why this was the best choice for me.

The open air and the fields around me become my new safety shield.

The way they symbolise so much, so effortlessly.

The way they symbolise freedom.

As relieved as I was to get a text from Idah asking to join her for a walk, my heart also sank when I learnt that the graveyard was one I was already intimately aware of. A place I was already familiar with. I knew this was one of the few cemeteries in town, but I didn't think it would be the exact same one when she first texted me the postcode.

In fact, I hoped it wouldn't be this exact one.

I decide to take my time walking through the open car park, thanking the fact there weren't many cars around and I was alone, hesitantly taking small footsteps one at a time. Trying to think of anything else than the pretty boy with blue eyes that haunts my mind.

"Come on, sunshine, catch up. You're meant to be a soldier. You should be faster at walking than me. You're being a slow coach," Dax jokes, pulling my hand in an attempt to make me walk quicker than the slow pace I am currently going.

I've been at training all day, so I don't think I could walk any faster if I wanted to. That and I enjoy my time with him, our fingers locked together. The two of us soaking up each other's company. Dax's hands are a little bit smaller than mine, but our hands fit together perfectly. Like two pieces of a puzzle joining together. The new tattoo he had a few days ago on his wrist, peeking out from the sleeve of my oversize jacket, fills me with a large amount of pride. The delicate floral patterns decorating his pale skin stand in contrast against my darker skin, fitting together as though it was always meant to be like this between the two of us.

"That's the second time I've caught you staring at our hands. You have some sort of hand kink now?" Dax asks, fluttering his dark eyelashes that frame his eyes at me.

I shake my head, not verbally replying as I allow him to lead the way, bringing me through what appears to be a graveyard.

The sky is starting to get dark now, but from what I can see in the little light beaming from the streetlamps and fairy lights around the graveyard, it is breathtaking.

Large trees guard the small area, as though they know it's their job to protect. Rows upon rows of flower beds decorate the floor, it's as though my whole vision was a painting. The area is beautiful, well-kept and mesmerising.

"When you asked me to borrow Isaac's car, I didn't know you were going to bring me on a date to a graveyard. It is beautiful, but it is a bit morbid, don't you think?" I laugh as he tries to glare at me, but he can't hold it for long before his face transforms back to a smile.

"Shh. It's what's behind the graveyard that I want to show you. Come on, through this gate." He opens the small wooden gate, leading to an open space. I've never been so close to the edge of a cliff before, nor been so close to the ocean. My first thought is why hasn't Dax brought me during the day, because I can only imagine how mesmerising it would be with the sun hitting the ocean and the reflection causing the flowers around to shimmer, but the moment I tilt my head to look at the sky, my breath is taken away. Focusing on the stars over our heads, my previous thought is instantly wiped away. Stars embed the dark night sky, creating an overlay of colours. If it wasn't for the subtle wind and the waves crashing, you wouldn't recognise the water below, the reflection losing where the sky and sea meet, creating an illusion I've never seen before.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Dax asks. Still looking up at the sky, unable to take his eyes away.

It truly is. But it isn't the most beautiful thing before my eyes.

"Nothing will ever be as beautiful as you." I say with confidence. Not allowing him time to reply, I pull him against me, leading him to stand in front, wrapping my arms around his waist. He attempts to speak, most likely in protest, but is quickly silenced as I start pressing gentle kisses along his neck, pulling the collar of his jacket and T-shirt out of the way, slightly allowing me to move my lips down the curve of his shoulder. My chest fills with warmth as the sounds of his heavy breathing block out the sound of the waves and fill the space around us.

Thankfully, as I turn the corner shortly after walking through the large gates, I notice a girl with red hair, sitting on the floor holding a bunch of sunflowers in one hand and writing in a journal with the other. I slowly walk over to her, in an attempt not to distract her from what she's doing, but I also don't want to scare her.

"Hey, sorry to sneak up on you like this, Idah," I say, coming round to her left side.

"You came. Hi Jae. Take a seat? It's dry. I promise."

After taking a seat beside Idah on the blanket she has already laid out, I take a moment to look closely at the gravestone opposite us. I wonder if it's worth letting Idah know I already knew about this place, but that's a conversation for another time.