13. Jae

Chapter thirteen

Jae

"I'm suffocating without you here."

M eeting with Idah and taking a walk to go see Lottie has become a ritual that I've started to become excited for.

No matter how hard I have to push down the memories I have of this place already.

Between the endless car hunting, pestering Isaac, counting down the days until Noah will be home, and planting flowers in the garden, my time isn't taken up by much else. I was thankful when Idah mentioned how much Lottie had loved sunflowers, due to the amounts growing in the garden that I couldn't keep under control. So, I'm happy that I'm able to offer her fresh bouquets to take to the grave whenever she'd like them. The more she talks about her, I bear witness to the sparkles in her eyes and the way her face glows in happiness. We've spoken about her as though she was in both of our lives, and a part of me feels like she was. I haven't just gained her as a friend; I've gained Lottie too.

I wonder if she's noticed the flowers I lay at her grave, too?

The thought of losing someone the way Idah has lost Lottie forms an uneasy feeling inside of me. My father has been the only parent in my life, and soon after I lost him, I was lucky enough to meet the guys. Not long after, I stopped being affected by my emotions as much after bearing witness to what I had, and if something bad happened, I quickly learnt that was how things went, anything could have happened to any of us at any time.

But as much as I miss the routine and busy days, becoming friends with Idah and spending time with her makes me appreciate all the more how I got out and why I got out. Even if at times I need to remind myself; it's okay. It wasn't the way that was planned. I made it anyway.

I survived.

Every day I spend in my small cottage feels like a blessing. I speak to the boys back at the barracks as much as I can. I might not be big on social media, but I make sure I text and call as much as possible.

But that was all up until a week ago, before the others got called out on tour again.

Being on the opposite side of war is a feeling I can't put into words. I never thought I'd experience what this would feel like. The longing, the unknown, the uncertainty.

The feeling alone speaks louder than words.

Is this how Dax felt?

The constant need to check, feeling uneasy and always on edge, the worry that someone you care about hasn't made it, and the guilt.

The guilt was always the worst.

Since the walks have become a regular part of my weekly routine, I've been able to find shortcuts to get to the graveyard quicker instead of taking the main roads. But no matter how much earlier I get to the grave, I always find her sitting, legs crossed on her blanket, in front of the headstone, writing in her notebook, ignoring the world around. That's one thing I idolise about her, or I should say, one thing I'm jealous of. Her ability to be able to lock herself in a bubble from the outside world and switch everything around her off. It's akin to a superpower and it's definitely one I wish I possessed myself.

Instead of saying anything out loud, I silently take a seat beside her, waiting for her to acknowledge me, until she swiftly turns her head and offers me a smile.

That's all I need from her to know that she's okay.

Having my family back at the barracks gave me the need to look out for people and to make sure they're okay. If they're not, I would more than happily go out of my way to fix that problem. I read in a book once, ‘Some say the saddest people are always the most caring because they know how it feels to feel so alone, and they don't want anyone else to feel that way.' While I wouldn't personally say I am one of the saddest people, that quote spoke to me louder than most conversations I've ever had, and I have felt it in my bones ever since.

As I start to put the flowers against the grave in their designated pots, I hear Idah whisper a thank you as she leans her head on my shoulder. In response, I slowly move my arm around her, bringing her in closer.

I can never put into words how grateful I am for the friendship that has developed between us since we first met, but I guess that's all down to Cee introducing us in the first place.

With the air starting to get colder, thanks to the wind coming from the sea, spending time with Lottie ends sooner than usual.

"Why don't we go get a coffee at Cee's? Grab a bite to eat?" she suggests.

I don't hesitate in my reply. "Yeah. Sure. I'm not doing anything after this and I'm hungry."

"Cool," Idah sharply replies, leaping to stand on the ground, folding the blanket away to put inside her backpack.

Even though I have lived here for a while now, I sit and smirk to myself about how much of a recluse I have become. Or maybe it's who I've always been; I just haven't had the chance to be alone. I welcome Idah's proposal of going to grab a bite to eat, but I don't let her see that I'm overly excited to spend more time out of the house – I don't want her to get used to sociable Jae too much.