Eleven

Calvin

We're supposed to have the next few days off before we start helping tear down the Christmas village to put everything in storage until next year, but we wake to a flurry of texts from Jacklyn. She demands we both get down there now and help break it down today.

We don't talk much as we get ready, and when Harlow and I head for the village, I can tell something's bothering him. I try to ask him about it, but he gives one-syllable answers the entire ride.

I try not to let it bother me, but it has my stomach tying into knots. Jesse must've been right. I let myself get comfortable with Harlow, and he probably thought Jesse was just out of his mind, but now he knows my ex was right.

Now Harlow's not going to want anything to do with me, not even friendship when we start UCLA next month.

By the time he pulls his truck into the parking lot of the village, I just want to get out and away from this awkward silence.

I swing the door open and climb out of the truck to come face-to-face with Aubrey. She gives me a smile, but it's strained as hell.

"Did you have a good Christmas?" she asks.

"Yeah, you?"

"Mmhmm." She glances over her shoulder as if she's looking for someone, then she lowers her voice and leans closer as Harlow joins us. "Jacklyn is pissed off. Someone vandalized the front of the fence, and she thinks it's one of the kids who came through here over the last couple of days. I told her it was all the same kids who've been coming here for years. Then I might've mentioned that this place had never been vandalized before she took it over."

Harlow lets out a long sigh. "Great. I'm really looking forward to this witch hunt."

Aubrey hesitates a second before saying, "I could try talking to her again. You guys could just start breaking the set down."

"No, I'll talk to her," Harlow says.

He takes a step, but I grab his hand before he can get too far. I know that Jacklyn's not going to hurt him, but I can't help feeling like I shouldn't let him go.

"I can come with you," I say.

Harlow pulls his hand from my grasp. "I got it."

"Harlow—"

"Back off." His voice drops, and I see the anger in his eyes even though he tries to disguise it.

Aubrey glances between us, her forehead wrinkled in concern.

"I just want to help," I mumble.

"Well, I don't need your help. Just stay with Aubrey."

"Yeah, I'll, um, I'll be over here." Aubrey hurries off to start unwinding the garland from around the fence on the right side of the parking lot.

"Is this about last night?" I ask, hating that my voice is shaky. It's not like I'm scared of his answer. Mostly.

"Nothing about last night matters," Harlow says. "Because it's over now, remember?"

I don't point out that we said New Year's Day. My throat feels too tight to speak anyway. How could he say that nothing about last night matters when it meant so much to me?

Harlow lets out a breath and softens his voice. "Look, Cal, you have nothing to worry about, okay? Your ex was lying to you. You were great, I promise."

I swallow around the band in my throat that's trying to cut off my oxygen. "Then why are you dumping me?"

The muscle in his jaw clenches, but he doesn't look angry. "I'm not dumping you; we were never together. And it's better this way, all right? Now, I have to go take care of whatever's going on with Jacklyn. I'll see you later."

It's such a clear dismissal that I can't do anything but turn away from him.

I don't want to work. I don't want to be around Aubrey while she chatters endlessly. But I still find myself walking over there and helping her dismantle the garland.

Fortunately, she doesn't speak to me. I guess she can sense it. At least I hope that's what it is and she didn't hear what we were talking about.

After a half hour of silence, Aubrey finally says softly, "It's okay if you want to get out of here. I've got this. And you probably don't want to be here for whatever's going to go down between Harlow and Jacklyn."

My first instinct is to tell her I'll stay. After what Harlow told me about his sister, I want to be here for him. I want him to remember he has someone in his corner, someone who believes him and is rooting for him.

But he doesn't want me around.

So I text Min and ask her to pick me up in the rental car. She answers immediately to tell me she's on the way.

"I've got a friend coming to get me," I tell Aubrey. "She should be here in a few minutes."

Aubrey nods, and I expect to work in silence until Min gets here, but Aubrey starts talking in that same quiet voice.

"I don't know what happened between you and Harlow, but he's the best guy there is. I've never seen him as happy as he's been the last couple weeks that he's been around you. I know it's none of my business, but I love him, and I just… Well, just don't give up on him."

I nod to show her I heard her, but I have no idea what to do with her words. How am I supposed to hang onto someone who doesn't want me anymore?

***

"What did he do?" Min demands as soon as I get in the passenger seat of our rented Volvo.

"He didn't do anything," I say, jerking my seatbelt and clicking it into place. "I just want to get out of here."

"Right. You've been bouncing around excitedly to be around him over the last couple weeks and now you want to leave, and he supposedly hasn't done anything?"

"Just leave it alone."

"Did he hurt you?" Her voice is dead quiet, and I think she might be one second away from launching out of the car and going after him.

"No, he didn't hurt me. We had an argument; his sister's pissed because something was vandalized here, and I just want to go."

Her lips press into a thin line, but she puts the car in reverse and backs out of the parking lot.

Silence fills the car as she starts the drive back to our rental house while I let the conversation with Harlow play on repeat in my head.

I know he lashed out because he's upset, but he spent the last two weeks telling me I deserve better than Jesse, so I deserve better than that, right?

But what if I want to try again? What if I want to try to make him see that we're really good together. What if I want to tell him that I've never felt anything like what I feel with him before?

The car stops, and I glance up to find we're in front of the house we've been renting for the last few weeks. It's nothing special—just a short one-story that stands up the Idaho winters. But right now, it looks like a haven.

I get out of the car, and I hear Min doing the same, but I don't look back at her. I just unlock the front door and go inside.

I pass the kitchen and head back to my bedroom. My stomach is in knots, and I feel sick. My break-up with Jesse didn't feel like this. His was painful and the reasoning behind it was embarrassing, but it didn't feel like I was going to die.

"Cal?" Min stands in my doorway, her voice soft. "Tell me what happened."

I don't want to. I don't want to bring up the whole thing with Jesse and what I asked Harlow to do that night in the parking lot of the village. I don't want to see pity on her face.

But I also want to talk to someone about it. Min won't be the most objective since we've been friends for so long, but she's good at solving problems.

So I tell her everything, starting with what happened with Jesse all the way to this morning when Harlow said we were over. Just repeating those words hurts. Min stays silent through it all. She just nods occasionally, and her eyes light up with anger when I talk about Jesse. But it's only after I've talked myself out that she speaks.

"First, I really can't believe you took that prick at his word. He just wanted to fuck you, Cal. He didn't want a relationship."

"I know," I mumble. I think deep down, I always knew that. It was just easier for me to believe I'd done something wrong than to think that the first guy I chose to sleep with could be that much of a jackass.

"I'm sorry," Min says. "What he did was horrible."

I shrug. "Is it weird that my fight with Harlow this morning made me feel worse than what happened with Jesse?"

"No. You feel more for Harlow than you felt for that prick." She studies my face like she always does when she's choosing her words carefully. "He gets you in a way other guys haven't, and you care about him."

"Yeah, but he made it clear at the beginning of all of this that it was only going to be until the New Year."

"So? People change their minds all the time. And it's not like this morning was a real fight, Cal. He said what he wanted to say, but you didn't. If you don't want to lose him, you need to be honest. And even if he doesn't feel the same way, you deserve to have the chance to say it."

I know she's right about everything, but I don't know if I'm brave enough to be that honest with him. I was able to give him my body, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to risk my heart too.