Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

LILY

" I need to leave for work soon," I say over the sound of the hairdryer.

Mom paces anxiously, biting her fingernails. "I didn't mean to fly off the handle like that, but what else did you expect me to do? The whole thing is suspicious."

"He wouldn't lie about that," I say, struggling to keep my voice steady. "He has got months, he said —months . Did he look like he was lying to you?"

"Your dad never looked like he was lying, either."

"Dad would never have helped somebody like Landon helped us."

My thoughts feel twisted up. Mom makes all the points I've been throwing at myself to remind myself why this can never work. Yet, when they come from her, I want to defend him, defend us .

"Even if he is telling the truth, he proved my point," Mom declares. "If he hasn't got long, why does he want you, Lily? What for?"

"What if I want the same thing?" I yell. "What if I want to have some fun with him? Not everything has to be serious. Not everything has to be forever. If he's telling the truth, it means he'll be gone before he shows his true colors, right?"

The words come out vicious and cold. I don't like the way I sound at all.

"I need to get to work," I say, cutting her off when she tries to reply. "I can't not go to work. People need me. I need to keep my job and make a good impression to be an actual social worker one day. I can't mess this up. To do that, I have to focus. Okay? Okay ?"

Mom's shoulders droop. "Fine, but remember, I warned you about him."

" You like him," I snap.

"I've always thought he was a good man. He saved us. He made it possible for me to move on, to be a mother. All those years ago, I never imagined that he would …" She shudders. "… want you."

"Don't say it like he's gross. I'm a woman, Mom, in case you haven't noticed." I raise my hand before she can say another word. "Please, I need to get ready."

She turns and walks away. She knows I'll get sucked into a conversation about this way too easily. After drying my hair, I jump in the car and begin driving. At least I won't have to take public transport like I did on the way home when Landon dropped me off.

There's Landon, getting in my head again. After that standoff with Mom, it feels impossible not to let him into my thoughts. I can still feel what we did last night, my pussy aching, something inside wanting more.

Carter is waiting for me in our office lobby. He walks into my path, making me jump.

"Sorry," he says, shuffling on the spot. "Listen, we need to talk."

"Okay …"

He leads me back to the parking lot around the corner, where the smokers gather. We're the only ones out here. He takes out a cigarette. "Do you mind?"

"Sure," I say. He seems even more on edge than usual.

"So," he says, taking a big drag, "this is a fucked-up situation. I won't lie, and it's all off the books." He takes another drag.

"Okay …"

"The director saw your little standoff with Landon yesterday, too. I got word this morning that she's pissed about it."

"What? Why would she even care?" I hiss, thinking of the devastating look on his face when he told us about his diagnosis. "It's none of her business. I could go to hum?—"

"Wait," he cuts in, smoking down almost half the cigarette in one big, long, stressful inhale. "Just wait. Technically, you're right. You could go to human resources, but it won't be like that. It'll be a simple case of finding some other excuse. Even if you did go to HR, it would be your word against hers. Don't you see, Lily?"

"Oh, fuck," I say after a pause. "If they go digging for a reason to get rid of me?—"

"They'll probably find out you've been working solo cases." He takes another big pull, then flicks the butt away. "That'll mean my job's in the shitter, too, but I might make it through. You won't."

"Because she saw me with Landon Cross? What the fuck? He's a good person." That fierce certainty grips me again. It's like the universe is trying to make me fight for him, even when I was the one who was going to bury what we did. "Why does the director hate him so much?"

"It's that job I mentioned."

"The apple tree," I groan, shaking my head. "How am I supposed to take this seriously when I don't know what happened?"

"Ask Lan?—"

"I thought you were just telling me never to see him again. Or did I hallucinate that?"

He lights another cigarette. "Fair point. Okay, it's like this: simple, short, and sweet. Landon Cross went to visit a woman who wanted help leaving her husband, who was an abusive father. Landon visited, and then something happened, an argument maybe. We're not sure what, but it ended up with Landon hanging that man from the apple tree at the end of the garden."

Everything in me turns cold. "What?" I whisper out hoarsely.

"Then he used some police contact he had to get off scot-free."

"So you're telling me he killed a child abuser," I say, my head spinning, "and you hate him for it?"

"I've got a friend. Hell, he was all our friends. His name's Petey. He was one of the best social workers I've ever met. He saved more kids than I can even count. Once, during a job, he slapped an abuser across the face. He got jail time for that. He's never allowed to work again. Our industry is littered with cases like this, but big bad Landon Cross can murder a man and get away with it."

"You're just guessing it was murder."

"Everybody knew. Even the local sheriff told me the autopsy showed signs of a struggle and strangulation. It wasn't a self -induced event. Get it? Yet Landon got away with it and then went on to another case, another photo op. We have to work from inside the system."

"Landon told me something similar once."

"Then he's a goddamn hypocrite."

"If the man was hurting his kid, he deserved to die."

Carter takes another big puff, the biggest yet. He exhales with a ragged cough. "Maybe you're right, but in that case, we should all quit and become serial killers. You might think I'm some jaded old ass, but I believed in this system once. On my good days, I still do, and you wouldn't be here if you didn't."

My head feels so clouded with everything that's happened. I move away from the cigarette smog and take a deep breath. "So you're telling me, if I'm seen with Landon again, I'll lose my job?"

Carter tilts his head. "You sound like a cop trying to get me to admit to something on tape."

"If I'd known this is what you were going to tell me, I would have recorded you," I say, "but you're safe. Don't worry."

"Good, because I'll never tell you this again. It's a heads-up, a courtesy. If I were you, I'd forget about Landon."

"Let's just focus on work today," I snap. "I don't want to speak about my personal life."

He nods. "Fair enough. Just remember what I said."

For the next five hours, I focus on the moment-to-moment stress of working alongside Carter. We're a team again, handling the depressing case of a seriously neglected one-year-old. Afterward, we head back to the office for some paperwork. I can sense eyes on me, an extra edge to my interactions with my coworkers, like they're already labeling me an outsider for even being vaguely associated with Landon Cross.

It's enough to make me want to scream, especially with the Mom stuff added on top of it. So, to be with Landon, I'd have to hurt Mom and risk my career for what? A relationship that can only last months, at best?

At my desk, I bury my head in my hands, the depressing thoughts coming thick and fast, a bombardment one after the other. "A girl's here to see you," Carter tells me, abruptly approaching my desk.

"What? Who?"

Carter shakes his head. "She said she'll only talk to the nice lady called Lily. You better see what it's about before we send her home. She took the bus here from God knows where."

"How are you going to send her home, then?"

"We were hoping you would help with that."

"So, how will I see what this is about before you send her home?"

"Fair enough. You win, Lily."

I almost flip him the bird, but I need to remember I'm not with Maddie right now. I enter the lobby to find eleven-year-old Grace sitting on one of the chairs, her legs swinging. She's got a red braid over her shoulder. She's from The Row—the job I'm not supposed to work anymore.

I remember what she said when I went to visit her. "They say my hair's really pretty …"

"Who's ‘they?'"

"In The Bear …"

She smiles when she sees me, which lights my heart up in ways nothing else could. It's like a small preview of what makes this job so worth it, a nugget of love that floods me with purpose until I remember I have to abandon her and hope that Landon can save her and her friends.

"Lily," she grins, leaping to her feet.

"Grace." I smile, being careful not to hug her or show any affection. It's part of the rules for understandable reasons. "You know you're not supposed to be here alone."

She steps forward. "I don't want you to forget about us."

"I haven't?—"

"Mommy says it's not right."

"What isn't, sweetheart?"

"They knocked on the windows and told us they had treats and games last night. Kids went over there really late, way past my bedtime! They knocked on my window, too. I heard it. I watched them. That's not good, is it?"

"No, Mommy's right," I say, feeling sick. "What time?"

"Uh …" She furrows her eyebrows, concentrating hard. "Three-thirty a.m., that's it."

"Okay, thank you."

"Lily." A thin voice cuts through me.

I turn to find the director standing with her nose upturned, looking down at me like gum stuck on the bottom of her shoes.

"I'm told you might know where this girl is from?"

Behind her, Carter stares at me bleakly. He thinks we've been found out. My mouth feels dry. It's been one thing after another recently.

"Yeah, she's going to take me home," Grace says. "I saw her at the park, and I heard what her job was, and my uncle hasn't been being nice to me and …" She cuts off, almost bursting into tears.

The director's face changes, genuine sympathy appearing straight away. "I'm sorry, poor girl. We'll help however we can." She looks at Carter. "Make sure she gets home safe."

"Yes, of course. You got it." Carter is suddenly all smiles. "You got it."

Once the director leaves, I turn and look down at Grace. She beams up at me. "You were going to get in trouble, right? About The Bear?"

"How did you know that?" I say in wonder.

She looks so soul-shatteringly proud of herself that I want to cry. "The big one. With the coat. The boss. You know him?"

Memories stab through me. "Yes, Grace. I know him."

"He told me you could never help me. He said you're never coming back, but I knew he was wrong. You'll help us, won't you?"

I swallow. "I'll do my best."

Carter gives me a harsh look, but when he talks to Grace, he becomes the uncle everybody loves. That's one of the most impressive things about Carter. He can change from a seasoned man who's seen it all to an absolute favorite of the kids.

"Let's get you home, Grace. Sound good?"

"Sure." She rolls her eyes, then winks at me.

I do my best to smile at her, but she doesn't even realize how messed up her situation has made her. Maybe she doesn't know I can see through the sassy, cocky front she's putting on. I can see through it to the terrified child underneath because I used to be her.

Carter leans over as we lead her out of the building. "You can't help her."

"How can you say that now?" I hiss.

"Because you look like you're going to do something stupid."

"You know I can hear you, right?" Grace says.

"Sorry," we both echo.

"You can help me," she says.

This time, I don't reply. I don't want to shatter the hope in her voice, but there's nothing I can do—nothing I can do.