Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

LILY

W hen I text Maddie, telling her what just happened but leaving out the details, she calls me. I didn't expect her to respond until the morning. I only texted her because I needed to get out some of this fight-or-flight feeling.

"You did what ?" Maddie whisper-yells down the phone.

"I know," I reply quietly. "I can hardly believe it. I went out there, I guess, maybe to talk with him, hoping he was awake. I don't know, but when it started, the kissing and then …" I swallow, nerves lighting up my body like some lust-filled instinct is trying to make me relive it. "It felt so natural."

"Then why did you run out on him?" Maddie asks.

"Because he was being too romantic. Saying my first time needed to be memorable and stuff like that."

"And that's a bad thing because …"

"Dad," I whisper, feeling pathetic for even saying it. If I can't be honest with Maddie, I can't be honest with anyone.

"You think he's tricking you like your dad tricked your mom?" Maddie asks.

"I don't know what to think, but it could be true. Mom had no idea. Dad swept her off her feet. She couldn't even imagine Dad would ever turn into the world's biggest prick, but he did."

"So you think Mr.Good Samaritan might do the same?" Maddie says, doing a poor job of hiding her doubt.

"I don't know," I snap. "It's not against the laws of physics. It's not impossible. Women have probably felt more natural with a man than I just did and have been fooled and hurt. Anyway, my boss has warned me away."

"Your boss can't tell you who to date."

"He said there's a darkness in Landon, a demon. Honestly, I think I just saw it."

"Wait." Maddie's tone turns ultraserious. "You're not saying …"

"No," I cut in quickly. "It was a good demon. He was so passionate. It was like his world was ending, and the only thing he wanted to do before the end was to be with me. That's the only way I can think to describe it."

"That sounds magical," Maddie says with a dreamy sigh.

"Magical, make-believe … I need to think about this. I've got so much work to do. I've got so much to focus on. Falling for an older guy was never part of the plan."

"You've fallen for him?" Maddie says.

"No," I say, wondering if it's a lie and pondering if I might have fallen for him the moment we reconnected, if that's even possible. "I'm just saying, if I did fall for him, it would derail my plans."

"You can be with him and be a social worker, right?"

"Stop being so reasonable," I say, laughing ruefully.

"Hey, don't get me wrong," Maddie replies. "I think you should be careful. Guys will do anything to get laid. I'm not blowing any secrets there. You know the douches I've had to deal with. If you think there's a chance he's using you, then yeah, take it slow. If he's not okay with you taking it slow, you know he's not right for you."

"I'm not sure about taking it slow ," I mutter. "It might just be better to back off."

That same fight-or-flight feeling bounces through me.

"Yeah, maybe, but," Maddie sighs, "not everybody is your dad."

"I know," I tell her, but all those lessons from Mom and the memories of what Dad was like are difficult to shake.

"How wonderful is this, Lily?" Mom says when I walk into the living room the following morning. She gestures to the table. The bed has been folded away, and presumably, Landon has bought us a breakfast feast. "No visitors last night … and a breakfast to boot. I might have to ask you to stay, Landon."

Landon smirks, but his eyes change quality when he glances at me. I pretend last night never happened. Maddie would probably disagree, but it's the only way I can handle this. I don't know how to do relationships.

"It's nothing," he says.

"Thanks, Landon." I sit beside Mom on the couch, relieved Landon is in the armchair. What would Mom say if she knew what we'd done on this couch last night? At least it was on the bed, not the cushions we're sitting on.

"What do we do now?" Mom asks as the three of us load up plates.

"If that idiot comes back, we call the cops," I say quickly. "We can't expect Landon to stay here forever."

Mom rubs her arm in that gesture that I recognize. I've often wondered if it's one that all addicts use at one point or another. It brings back an army of memories. Mom knows what I'm thinking because she lets her hand drop. "You're right," she says, trying to sound sure and tough.

"I want you to be safe, too," he says. "Lily's got my cell number. I'll keep it on day and night. If you call, I'll be here, and yeah, call the cops too. They might take longer than me, though."

"He won't come back," I say. "I'm not working on that case anymore."

I stare down at my bagel, but I can feel Landon looking at me. I'm pretty sure he's glaring, but it's tricky to be sure when he only exists at the periphery of my vision. He doesn't want to say it in front of Mom, but he's trying to remind me of what he said last night.

Damon thinks Landon wants me.

"If he had any reason to think about returning," I say, "because he had any ideas or anything about me, or maybe our connection to Landon about that stuff when I was a kid, Mom, hopefully he'll realize he's wrong."

I finally look at Landon. My heart drops in my chest. I actually feel it, a judder moving through me. I assumed he was scowling, but I was wrong. He has an almost hurt expression on his face. I nearly tell him I'm sorry, but I make myself tough.

Okay, it hurts, but I have to do this for my career and to avoid the mistake Mom made. Deep down, I wonder if that's an excuse.

Landon picks up a bagel. "Maybe when I'm down there working the case, I'll run into him," he says. "I'll set the record straight and tell him you were just another case."

"That would be good," I say, then take a big bite to stop myself from saying anything else, something like, Tell me about that romantic scene you were imagining . After devouring the bagel, I stand. "I need to get ready for work."

"Do you want a ride?" Landon says.

"No," I reply.

Mom frowns at me. I hurry down the hallway, not wanting to get into any mess about this. I don't know how to process it, end of story. I don't want to find out. I can't even imagine being with a man, really being with him.

Yet, haven't I been dreaming of my knight in shining armor ever since he left us? Haven't I wanted him to find me, to save me again?

I turn the shower up hot, scalding away any feeling from last night. Or that's what I tell myself, but I can't shake the sensation that the hot water is trying to simulate his touch. I force myself to wash quickly. The urge to touch myself is way too real.