Chapter 3 Only A Memory Away

Allie

Mr. Adams directed us to our seats so the service could begin. I was flanked by my parents, with Aunt Ellen and Alex's uncles at the end of the row. My siblings, closest friends and the rest of the extended family were in the rows behind us. Gracie moved from my lap to my parents and on to Aunt Ellen, before getting fussy midway through the service. Alex's cousin Jenny quietly slipped out of her row and took Gracie to the Serenity Room for the remainder of the service.

Most of the funeral was a blur for me. James, Alex's best friend, gave the eulogy. Alex had made his wishes known to all of us a month or so ago, when it was clear that he didn't have much longer.

"I've had a great life - not nearly long enough - but great all the same. Celebrate that. I won't tell you not to cry, because I know you will. But I want you to laugh. I want you to remember the stupid shit we used to do and laugh about it. I want you to tell jokes, just like we always did together. Remember me that way, not the way I am now." At the time, I couldn't imagine any of us being able to laugh today, but James was trying, and I loved him for it.

He shared stories about them running away when they were seven - they got as far as the neighborhood park before getting hungry and going back home for snacks - to getting suspended in high school for hangingdozens of jockstraps from the big oak tree in front of the school.

He told everyone about the time in college when they went to a frat party and got so drunk that they managed to get lost walking home. The worst part was that they only lived across the street from the party. They ended up sleeping - or possibly passing out - under a tree in the quad, only to be rousted by campus security in the early hours of the morning. I smiled, remembering that story. I'd gone home to stay with my parents for the weekend, so I had missed out on that drunken debacle.

My brother went up to the podium to tell everyone about his bachelor party, for which Alex had hired a stripper. Due to a "mix-up", a male stripper had shown up. A very large, very hairy male stripper. Scott swore to this day that Alex had done it on purpose. Yeah, he had. I'd helped him arrange it. Little sisters are devious like that. At that point in the story, Scott's wife Emma piped up and said it worked out for the best, since Scotty came home with some killer dance moves. Everyone laughed at that, even me.

Toward the end of the service, Mr. Adams stepped up to the podium again. Clearing his throat, he began "Several weeks ago, Alex came to me to make his final arrangements. He didn't want his family to be burdened with that task. We spoke at length about his hopes, fears, and regrets. He wanted to be sure that Allie and Grace would always remember how much they were loved. To that end, he recorded a video for them, to serve as a tangible reminder of his love, and his hopes for their futures. He asked that I play it for you all here today." Picking up the remote lying on the podium, he pointed it at the video screen behind him which had been showing photos on a continuous loop.

I had been anxious about this ever since Mr. Adams told me about the video during our first meeting. He had asked me if I wanted to view it privately before the service, but I just didn't have the strength to face it then. I still wasn't sure I had the strength, but I didn't have much choice. It was important to Alex. My dad reached for my hand, and I straightened in my seat. I forced myself to look at the screen, and then closed my eyes at the last moment.

With Alex's first words, my eyes flew open, and I stared through tears at my husband's face on the screen. His handsome face was pale and gaunt, his normally booming voice reduced to a thready rasp. His eyes, though, his eyes were still bright, and he wore that cocky grin that I loved.

"Thank you all for coming to my funeral," he said with a chuckle. "I'll bet you never thought you'd hear someone say that, huh?" There were several scattered laughs in the room, along with a few surprised gasps.

He took a deep breath and began, "I never wanted it to come to this. I never imagined that cancer would strike again. I never thought I would leave so much life unlived." He sighed deeply, then continued. "I want you all to know how much you are loved, and how grateful I have been to have each and every one of you in my life. Even you, James." Alex grinned wickedly at that, and I heard James bark out a choked laugh from behind me.

Alex sobered at that point and cleared his throat. As he started to speak again, I felt my throat tighten and my heart pound, and it felt difficult to breathe. It struck me that these were the last words I would ever hear my husband say, and I wasn't sure I was ready for them. I wasn't sure I was strong enough. I wasn't sure I would ever be strong enough. A sob escaped me then, and my dad wrapped his arm around me, while my mom leaned into my other side.

With a sad smile, Alex continued, "My sweet Gracie, my...biggest regret is not being able to watch you grow up into the amazing woman I know you will be. I wish...I wish I could be at your side for all of the important milestones in your life, as well as the little everyday moments. I wish I could be there to see you take your first steps, to walk you into school on your first day of kindergarten," his voice faded, and he cleared his throat again, "and to teach you all the words to my favorite songs. I'll have to trust your Uncle Nico to handle that last one. His singing voice isn't bad," he winked, and his lips turned up in a smirk at that. "I wish I could take you fishing, cheer for you at graduation and teach you how to drive - your Mama, God love her, cannot parallel park, so let your Uncle Scott teach you." he added with a quick grin.

His smile dimmed as he said, "I wish I could hold you after your first heartbreak, and watch you later find someone worthy of giving your heart to. I wish I could walk you down the aisle, help you settle in to your first house and see you holding my grandchildren," he paused to wipe a tear and clear his throat again. "I hope you will feel me in your heart as you live a life filled with love and laughter. You were my greatest gift, and you captured my heart from your first breath to my last." His voice broke on the last few words, and I felt my heart shatter all over again with the loss of the man my little girl wouldn't ever get the chance to know.

My mother was sobbing openly now, and I could feel my father's shoulders shake with the effort of holding in his tears. Alex's cousin John reached up from the seat behind me to squeeze my shoulder, and Hannah passed me more tissues. As I stared at my husband on the screen, silently wiping away his tears, I felt a strange peace come over me. Maybe I was just past the point of feeling more pain, I didn't know, but I could feel my breathing calm, and my pulse stopped pounding in my ears.

With a deep shuddering breath, Alex started speaking slowly again. "Allie-cat, my wife, my love, my everything...I thank you." He closed his eyes, bowed his head briefly, then looked back up to face the screen. I felt like he was looking straight into my soul. "Thank you for loving me, laughing with me - and sometimes at me - and for making a home with me. Thank you for filling my life with music, sappy movies and the best chocolate chip cookies ever." I smiled at that. Alex had a raging sweet tooth and loved my chocolate chip cookies.

"Thank you for agreeing to that first date, and the next, and the next. Thank you for walking down the aisle to pledge your heart to me. Thank you for allowing me to fall in love for the second time in my life, when you brought our sweet baby Grace into this world. Thank you for shining light in my darkest times, and for giving me the strength to fight this fight as long as I did." He paused and swallowed hard.

"Please forgive me for leaving you so much sooner than either of us hoped for, but I know you will get through this. Please let our family and friends help you carry the load, if it gets too heavy to bear. Please find a reason to smile and laugh and sing every day. Please honor our love by being willing to open yourself up to love again - you and Gracie both deserve that. Please know that when you miss me, I'm only a memory away. Please know that my last moments were spent - as every moment has been since we met - loving you," he finished on a whisper.

I smiled through my tears as the video ended and whispered, "I will always love you, Alex."

Mr. Adams made his way back to the podium to wrap up the service. Only the immediate family and close friends would be continuing on to the cemetery afterward. I just had to hang on a little longer, and then I could fall apart in the privacy of my home.