13. Cole

13

COLE

I t’s been twenty-two hours since I watched Carrie drive away. Twenty-two hours since the pain in my chest started. Twenty-two hours since the nagging feeling that I missed something really important began.

The girls were sullen at breakfast this morning. Olivia complained that she’s the only one not going to Sienna’s party at the nail bar and she’ll never have any friends again and I’ve ruined her life.

Carrie would let her go to a nail bar. She would have laughed and told me if she doesn’t get the chance to do these things now she’ll end up obsessed with her looks and spending all her money on cosmetic enhancements when she’s an adult.

Maybe she’s right.

But Carrie isn’t here, so I ended up yelling at Olivia, which made Kyra cry and Olivia run out and hide under the trampoline. By the time I found her, we were late for school again. And the ladies in the office gave me a stern warning that if it keeps happening I could get reported.

I muttered some words that you shouldn’t say in a school, and now I’m probably on a naughty list somewhere and my kids are being watched.

Fuck. Being a single parent is hard work sometimes. Correction, all of the time. It’s fucking hard all of the time.

I roar into the driveway kicking up gravel and head straight down to Gran’s cabin. I promised I’d help her get some things out of the attic.

One look at my face and Gran wisely keeps her lips firmly shut. The last thing I need is for her to lecture me on letting Carrie go.

I get the things out of the attic that Gran asks me to get, boxes of bedding and the camp bed. I’m too distracted to ask who she’s got coming to stay.

The physical exertion calms my mood. I’ll stop by the school office tomorrow to apologize for my behavior. I don’t want my rudeness reflecting badly on the girls.

Gran puts a fresh pot of coffee on, and we take a seat on her porch. It overlooks the horse field and the valley, and the view helps to calm my nerves even more.

She sets a plate of baked goods on the table, and I ignore it as usual. She’s found it hard to accept my no sugar rule, which may be too harsh too.

Gran eases into the seat next to mine, and we both stare out at the view. “So, you let her leave.”

I knew this was coming, but instead of anger at Gran for meddling, all I feel is a dull ache .

“Yeah.” I sip my coffee and keep looking out at the undulating hills and towering mountains behind. “She deserves better than me, Gran.”

Gran pats my knee like I’m a boy again and not a grown-ass man. “What makes you say that, honey?”

I risk a glance, and she’s looking at me curiously and with warmth. I’m reminded of her strength when Mom died and then Mel. Always there for me, as solid as the mountains and as comforting as a warm blanket.

All the fear that I’ve been holding in bubbles to the surface. “Because I let Mel down. If I’d been here I would have noticed the changes. I would have gotten her help.”

Gran squeezes my knee. “I know you would have, honey. But that wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. That disease had a hold of her, and it doesn’t matter if we’d noticed earlier or not. It would have been the same outcome.”

She’s told me this before. The doctors told me this. It was a rare aggressive strain of cancer that ate her up from the inside. But I can’t accept that I couldn’t do anything. I was away in Afghanistan thinking everything was fine when a disease was slowly eating away at my wife. It’s unacceptable. In defending my country, I left my family undefended, and I can’t do that again.

“Mel hid it from all of us,” Gran continues. “I should have noticed too.”

“No. You couldn’t have. When you see someone every day, you don’t notice the changes.”

Gran shrugs. “If you don’t blame me, then why do you still blame yourself? ”

Her shrewd gaze bores into me, and I consider her question.

I left the military when Mel got sick, and I dedicated myself to my family. But it wasn’t enough. She still died. She still broke my heart and not just mine, but the hearts of my two little girls. Kyra’s too young to remember, but her cries for her mamma will haunt me for the rest of my days. Trying to explain to them where Mommy had gone and why she wasn’t coming back broke my heart more than losing Mel did.

Olivia took to hiding under the trampoline for hours, and I had to crawl under there to drag her out screaming for her mother.

For months we all slept together in the big bed, their little hands clinging to me for comfort, their bodies twitching in the night as they cried out in their sleep, searching their dreams for a mother who was never coming home.

I gave them all the love I could, hugging them tight and taking their tears and confusion and pain.

Eventually, as the days passed, we formed new memories. I took them horse riding and swimming and to the park. We played for hours out in the yard and read books snuggled up in bed.

When I needed to grieve in private, they had sleepovers at Gran’s cabin. As the months, then years passed, the memory of their mother faded, the pain eased, and I got my happy girls back.

I learned to cook healthy meals from scratch and got them into sports, then dancing, activities to keep them active and happy.

It’s been a hard four years, but I’ve built a happy home for my girls, one where there will be no more heartache and loss.

It hits me then, the real reason I can’t let Carrie in. It’s not because I’m scared I’ll let her down. It’s because I’m scared she’ll let us down.

The thought makes me sit up straight. “I don’t want my girls to go through any more heartache.”

I know it’s the truth as I speak it.

“I understand that, Cole. I really do.” Gran takes a cupcake from the plate.

“But have you ever thought that you might be depriving them too? That those girls might the missing out on a whole lot of love?”

She pops the cupcake in her mouth, and her expression goes soft. “Hmm. These are good.”

“They’ve got me and they’ve got you. We’ve been just fine for the last four years.”

Gran swallows her cupcake and washes it down with a sip of coffee. She sets her mug on the table and sighs. “I’m not going to be around forever you know.”

I peer at Gran with her sinewy hands and bright eyes. She’s the picture of good health. “Don’t talk like that, Gran. You’re only seventy-four. You’ve got a lot of years left in you.”

She chuckles. “I’m not talking about dying, honey.” She ducks her head and smiles shyly in a way I’ve never ever seem my Gran smile before .

“Gus is finally retiring. He’s handing the shop over to his oldest boy.” His oldest boy is in his mid-forties and has been trying to take over the workshop for years. “He wants to take me on a European cruise.”

My mouth drops open, because Gran is blushing like a schoolgirl. “You and Gus?”

“Yes, honey.”

I think about the rotund mechanic with the greasy hands and deep belly laugh. “What are his intentions?”

Gran barks out a laugh. “To have a bit of fun before we leave this world. It’s a three month cruise. If you need me to stay for the girls, I’ll do it, but I’d very much like to see Europe.”

I think about Gran who’s given up so much, first to help raise me then to help raise my kids. “Of course you should go. We’ll figure something out. I can take a work break, or swap shifts, or get one of the other moms to have them after school…”

She puts a hand firmly on my knee. “Or, go get that woman of yours and apologize for whatever asshole-y thing you did.”

I open my mouth to tell her I wasn’t an asshole, then close it again because I was. I made love to Carrie and then let her leave as if it didn’t mean anything to me. But the truth is it did. The truth is this strange tightness in my chest is an ache in my heart, because while she was stranded here, I fell for her. I fell for her big time. And that scares the shit out of me.

“What if it doesn’t work out?”

Gran shrugs her shoulders. “Then it doesn’t work out. Everyone gets upset for a while, and then they get over it.”

She makes it sound so simple.

“But honey, the question you should be asking yourself is what if it does?”

My mind fills with images of Carrie. She’s in her green dress singing in my kitchen as she washes up. She’s dancing with the girls in the living room. She’s lying next to me in the bed when I wake up in the morning, her warm body heavy against mine.

Gran holds up the plate of cupcakes. “We all need a bit of sugar in our lives, Cole. You’ve denied yourself for so long. Have a taste.”

Her eyes twinkle, and I’m not sure if she means the innuendo. I choose a chocolate frosted cupcake and tentatively take a nibble.

Sweet sensations explode on my taste buds. My teeth crunch through the frosting, and a melted chocolate button oozes onto my tongue. I close my eyes, caught up in pure bliss.

“This is good,” I mumble through my mouthful.

“Carrie made them,” Gran says.

I stuff the rest of it in my mouth, then grab another. Carrie made these, and they’re as sweet and perfect as she is. Gran’s right. I’ve denied myself for too long.

My eyes fly open as I decide what I’m going to do. “Can you get the kids from school? I’ve got to go.”

Gran stands up, a big grin on her face. “Of course.”

I stand up so abruptly the chair falls over. As I stoop to pick it up, my eye catches on something glinting in the undergrowth near the porch. I pick up the object and hold it up to Gran.

“Is this a spark plug?”

Gran snatches it off me. “Must be from the last time Gus serviced my car.”

She turns quickly, but not before I see the guilty look in her eyes.

But this time I’m not angry at Gran for her meddling. She ensured Carrie had to stay here, and I have to thank her for that.

But first, I need to go get my woman.

“Can the girls stay with you for a while?”

“Of course.”

I start up the drive and Gran follows. “I might be a couple of days.”

“That’s why I got the camp beds out.”

I turn to stare at Gran, and she’s grinning at me. I shake my head, wondering how she always knows what I need before I do.

“And tell Olivia she can go to Sienna’s birthday party.” If going to a nail bar makes her happy, then let her go to the damn nail bar. I can’t protect her forever.

I head straight to the pickup. It’s time to go get Carrie back.