Chapter 19

*Ryder*

For the next three nights, I went to see her in that hospital bed. I'd just sit there holding her hand and watching her sleep the way I used to when we were together, and only the sight of her face in slumber could bring me peace.

I paid a hefty sum for information on how she was doing since I could only see her while she was asleep. The reports were good; she was doing better with the tests they gave her and was even speaking up in therapy, which she wasn't doing when she first got here. I read between the lines enough to gather that though this last round of attacks had hit her hard, it was me and our breakup that was the real problem.

Knowing that was twofold. On the one hand, it helped alleviate the fear I have been carrying around ever since I started coming back to my senses. The fear that she would never forgive me, never give me another chance. On the other hand, I hated this for her, hated knowing that she was still carrying that pain in her heart, and I wasn't there to mend it.

Whatever they were doing might be working during the daytime, but seeing tear stains drying on her cheeks every night was destroying the hell out of me. I wanted to kiss them away the way I used to when we were lovers but dared not take the chance. It was that last night that it really hit home that I was that close to her in the flesh when I felt for sure that it would never happen ever again in this lifetime.

The first few nights, I'd been too worried about her to think about anything else. I don't know what I was thinking; maybe the same way I'd found comfort and solace just by her presence that I could do the same for her.

But that last night was hard. Maybe because I knew that I would be leaving her soon and that I wouldn't be able to see her again once she returned home, not for a long time anyway. I damn near had a panic attack followed by the most insane thoughts and scenarios that played out in my head as she slept.

I gave serious thought to bundling her up in the woolen blanket her grandmother had knitted for her years ago that sat on the foot of her bed and taking her out of there. We could just disappear somewhere together and leave this all behind.

But she'd never go for that, and I couldn't ask her to. Besides, I'd be taking her choice away if I kidnapped her ass and stole her away somewhere, though I've got to admit I'm not too pressed about it. Still gotta work on my issues, but dammit, she's mine. It's been a long time since I've thought of her in that way. A long time since I believed I had the right.

That night unlike the others, I studied her face as if memorizing every little thing about it. Even though I was there, I was already mourning the time when I wouldn't be. And then she sighed my fucking name in her sleep.

I held onto her hand with one of mine and bit into the other to keep the roar of anguish locked inside. It's been so long since I'd heard my name said in just that way, the way only she could say it. Rye, she was the only one who could get away with calling me that since it always reminded me of damn bread. She did use to like to tease me about it, and we've had many a pillow fight over the issue.

All the old feelings and memories of us came rushing back with that one thought. The calming peace I always felt in her presence was back as well, and I felt more whole in the time I sat there with her than I had in the almost five years without her.

I didn't speak out loud because I didn't want to wake her, but I sure did a lot of talking in my head. How the fuck had I let this go? What the hell happened to us? The only thing I remember is the anger, the fury, the pain, and the hurt. But looking at her now, there's no way she betrayed me. But why did I believe it? It's here that my mind gets fuzzy, and I start to get a headache.

After that night, I knew I was pushing it. Besides, she was going home in a few days, so there would be no need for me to come back here. That last night for the first time, I did something more than hold her hand. As I was about to leave, I kissed her cheek, something I didn't know how much I had missed until I did it.

Her cheeks, I was never able to keep my lips off of them for long when we were together. For some reason kissing her cheek fills me with warmth and a pleasure that's way out of proportion for the innocent gesture that it is. I didn't only kiss her cheek but whispered something in her ear that I was sure she didn't hear, but I needed it, needed to say the words out loud because they were screaming in my heart.

"I miss us; I miss you. Get better and stay better; wait for me." It was the hardest thing I ever did, letting go of her hand that night. It hurt more than the last time because this time, I wasn't high off my ass.

I looked back at her only once when I reached the door before walking out of there with a new purpose. Now it's time to get my shit together.

***

*Elena*

"Ryder?" I came awake with tears on my cheeks and a feeling of happiness that had been missing from my life since the day he left. That feeling carried on for the first few seconds after I opened my eyes, and it felt so real that I reached for him. He wasn't there, and the feeling was gone just as soon as it came.

I looked around the room, and it all came back to me. It was a dream, wasn't it? I'm not sure the meds are working, at least not in the way the doctor expects, because I'm almost certain I could smell him here. Am I losing my mind?

His cologne, how could I forget its scent? It's the one that I'd bought him, the only one he'd used when we were together. There's a safe bet that he wouldn't still be wearing it since he only really did it to please me. But why was that scent lingering in the air here? And why did it give me so much comfort?

I decided not to tell the doctor about this development because I was sick of this place and ready to go home to my own bed. Plus, the fact that he wasn't here was one thing, but the comfort I got just thinking that he might've been was another.

I guess I really do still miss him to the point that the dream was making me feel better than my reality without him in it did. I could still hear the words he'd said to me, still feel the brush of his lips against my ear as he said them. ‘I miss us; I miss you.'

I got lost in a world of my own making inside my head and let myself believe for one second that it was real or that this was some sort of sign. There's no danger in that, is there? Whether or not there is, I was enjoying it too much to let it go. It was the first real happiness I'd felt in almost five years, so sue me.

"Well, we're looking better. Have a good night?" I was so preoccupied that I didn't hear the doctor come in.

"Yes, doctor, I'm feeling much better, thank you. Can I go home now?" He looked down at the chart in his hand like all doctors do in that way that made it seem as if they had no idea what was written there.

I always wondered about that. If the nurse was the one making all the notations, what exactly was the doctor's part in all this? I see them more than I see him. Whoa, Elena, stay focused. "Well, I see here that you've been doing much better the last few days; in fact, you've been doing better than expected in such a short space of time."

"As to going home, I'd like to suggest a vacation, a change of scenery, just for a little while." He looked at me expectantly, not at all like the pushy doctors I'm accustomed to. Sydney had chosen this place, almost as if she'd had it waiting in the wings.

That's my best friend; she'd know the signs and prepare. I wouldn't have thought of coming all the way out here, and going to a place close to home would've only freaked me out more than I already was. I can't imagine the paparazzi hounding my every step while I'm dealing with this.

Of course, I expected some of them to follow me out here, but at least it wouldn't be all of them. I nodded my head at the doc, and he gave a relieved smile. "Good, now do me a favor, and don't let those vultures out there know where you're going when the time comes. You need less of them and more of the sun."

I was feeling better already, just contemplating a few days in the sun, away from everything. Of course, I can't ever outrun my mind, but maybe a change of scenery was just the thing I needed to get my feet back on solid ground. "So, when can I go?"

"How about later in the afternoon? You make your arrangements; the fewer people who know, the better. You have my card. If you need me anytime, don't hesitate to call."

"I will, Doc, and thank you."

"You know, I hate that we met under these circumstances, but I can't deny the pleasure of having met you. You're going to be fine, kid. Just do those exercises you learned here and try not to be so hard on yourself. You're young, you're successful, and more importantly, you've got a good heart. Try not to bruise it too much."

We shared a laugh before he left the room after a few more instructions for after my release, and I made a few phone calls to get things ready for me to get out of there. All day as I sat in the room staring out the window, I kept thinking about him, feeling him, and trying to understand why I felt his presence so strong now when I hadn't in years.

Sydney already had everything in place for me to get out of there without being seen. I'll have to send her mom and dad a great gift to thank them for their rescue and the way they took care of me after picking me up in disguise.

We made it to the airstrip without incident, and I breathed a sigh of relief only when the plane was in the air. Being back in LA felt strange. For the first time, it didn't feel like coming home. There was no underlying excitement and no wish to be here. I think the awe had worn off. I was over this place.

I didn't feel any joy walking into my home, a home that I had loved on sight. I felt bereft and a bit edgy and, somehow, detached. I'd learned a lot about myself in that place. I'd even found strengths I didn't know I had.

While everyone was fussing over me and asking how I was doing, I kept a smile on my face, but in my mind, I was planning for the next phase of my life. I looked across the room at my mom, the woman who'd worked so hard to get me where I am because, let's face it, without her, I'd have never been able to follow my dream.

I'd done her a disservice; I'd basically shitted on all her hard work. "Why are you looking at me like that, Elena?"

"I love you, mama." I got up and walked over to where she was sitting, and climbed into her lap. "I love you too, baby." She kissed my head, and I almost cried.

All the way here on the plane, my mind had been working, and I didn't like what I saw about myself. Yes, my heart was broken, and yes, it had been done on the world stage, but so what? Others had suffered the same pain and were able to bounce back.

I had to remind myself of where I'd come from and all that I had accomplished with hard work and perseverance. Me, I'd done it. I'd pushed myself to follow through with everything I signed my name on because I didn't want to be seen as less.

Even on days when all I wanted to do was stay inside and laze about, I'd made it to the set at five a.m. and sometimes earlier. And here I am, after all of that, letting some nepo babies take me down. My ancestors must be rolling in their graves.

"I'm not sure I like that look on your face Elena; what in the world are you thinking about?"

"Oh, nothing. I'm just happy to be home." I turned my head to look at my best friend. "Sydney, I feel like going out on the town."

"Um, really?" She looked around at the others, but I wasn't about to let anyone stop me.

"Yeah, really."

"Okay, where are we going?"

"Casa Vega."

"Are you sure?" I could feel the tension in the room and knew where it was coming from. It used to be me and Ryder's favorite spot. I haven't been to any of the places we usually liked since he left me, but now I think it's time. It's time I took my power back. "Yeah, I'm sure."