Chapter 20

*Elena*

"What the heck has gotten into you?"

"What do you mean?" I looked up from my plate to find Sydney staring at me as if I had two heads.

"What do I mean? Chicklet, when I took you to that place, I was almost certain that we were about to lose you in the not-too-distant future. Now here you are, acting like that shit never happened, and you're living your best life."

"Don't get me wrong, I am here for it, but what the hell happened to you in there." If I told her the truth, she'd freak. I can't even believe it myself, or more to the point; I'm finding it hard to accept. But ever since I felt Ryder's presence in that room, it's like I have a new lease on life.

"Isn't that the point? Wasn't I supposed to get better?" She looked stumped by that one, and I was able to go back to my enchiladas in peace. I wanted a margarita in the worst way but knew it wasn't a good idea, not with all the medication I was taking. Though according to the tabloids, I was on a bender every other night. The fuck do they know? Lying asses.

"All the same, I'm happy. And I'm sure your friends are as well; you're even back to signing autographs and waving at the paparazzi. I bet that threw them for a loop." I just shrugged my shoulders as if unbothered, but the truth is, I was quivering inside.

I wasn't planning on sharing my new idea with anyone, not yet, anyway. This is something I have to do for myself. I don't want to live a lie anymore; I don't want to pretend for the cameras because my life is not make-believe.

I went from drowning in sorrow to feeling sorry for myself, which are two entirely different things. One is understandable, given what I'd been through, but the other is just plain dumb. I have nothing to feel sorry about.

I live a life most people could only dream of; well, the ones who don't know the dark truth about this industry anyway. And even there, I'd lucked out. I'm one of the lucky ones who never crossed the line into losing myself for more fame and more money.

It wasn't a hard choice to make. I wasn't raised that way. I was raised with morals and ethics and a belief in something more. So I saw them coming, though it was almost too late by the time I realized. Thankfully my family has always been around me, so they were able to see the signs as well and pull me out in time.

It's cost me some things, but I can live with that as long as I get to keep my soul. I got a chill down my spine at the thought of him and the danger he'd been in before the incident. The danger I'd tried to warn him about but was too late.

I think that was one of the reasons it hit me so hard and why I've been suffering for so long. It's like Sophie's Choice, knowing that he was still back there in that mess and seeing the toll it was taking on him. No, I won't let myself be dragged back there again, not even in my thoughts.

Accepting that I will always love him was the first hurdle I had to jump; now, learning how to live with that knowledge and move on is where I'm at. So I'm going to make my way back to the person I used to be one day at a time, and do what I've always done, hope for the best for him.

"What are you thinking about so hard?"

‘Who says I'm thinking about anything?"

"You've had your fork hanging in suspension for the last minute or so."

"I was just thinking; I should call my agent; it's been a while." Now she was the one dropping her fork.

"Seriously? You're ready? Are you sure?"

"Yes, it's time. I feel like being busy again. I have a lot of time to make up for. But first, I think I will take the doctor's advice and go on a nice vacation. I'm thinking the Mediterranean." I propped my cheek on my hand and looked across the table at her smiling face.

Sometimes it hits me in the gut that I have a friend like her. In this town where everyone and everything is as superficial as a dust cloud, it's something that not many come across, especially since we're in the same line of work, give or take. Though I'm nowhere near her caliber, she's always been there egging me on, pushing me to do great without an ounce of jealousy or pettiness in sight.

"Why are you crying, Elena?" She looked around to make sure that no one else was looking and leaned over the table to get closer. "Don't let them see you cry."

"It's happy tears, I promise."

"I know that, and you know that. But can you imagine what these jackals would print in their rags tomorrow?"

"Not jackals!" I snorted through my nose.

"Soulless vipers?" From her innocent smile, no one would guess the conversation we were having, but I'm sure, like she said, that there were eyes on us from every corner of this place. I'm like the new hot topic of the week; maybe I should use that.

***

*Janie*

"WHERE IS HE?" I feel like I'm going out of my mind. It's been more than a week since anyone has seen or heard from Ryder, something that has never happened before. His manager, Scott, his advisor Matt, and not even the paparazzi have any idea where he'd gone.

I spent many sleepless nights thinking that he'd run to her side when she was having another one of her breakdowns, but she's been back for a few days now, and he still hasn't come home. Though everyone has been speculating that they were off somewhere together, and all the old theories were rearing their ugly heads again.

I don't understand why no one in this fucking town respects me or my marriage. They act as though I'm nothing more than a placeholder, like any day now, he's going to leave me and run back to her, his one true love.

I thought I could handle it, thought that as long as we kept him under my control that I'd win in the end. It no longer mattered what happened behind closed doors. I've come to accept the hate in his eyes and the way he ignores me when we're alone together. As long as she didn't have him, everything was fine. No one had to know that I didn't either because I'm the one with his name; it's me who lives with him, not her.

That was satisfactory while he was here when I knew his every move and had things and people in place to make sure that he never went anywhere near her. But now that no one knows where he is, that sick feeling that lived in my guts until he said I do was back again, and this time it was worst.

This time, the shame of losing him in front of the whole world was something I couldn't contemplate because it would be too awful. To lose to her is not something I can live with. It's bad enough that no one can seem to forget that they were each other's, first love. Or the way her stupid fans still push for them to be reunited.

It's been five long years with no letup from those freaks who just need to get a life. It was too much to take on; the not knowing was slowly killing me. I think I've done more coke in the past week than in the whole of last month, and that's saying a lot because it had been a rough month.

The worst part is having to pretend that I'm not worried or that I have any idea where he is when I'm out and about. Always with a smile on my face because the cameras are always staked out outside my house these days, and there are all these questions about where he is, which only makes this whole thing worst.

I'd love to stay hidden, but both Mary and dad think it's a good idea if I show my face and pretend that all is right at home. Noel and Nicole now take every opportunity to make a mockery of me because, of course, they know that he's missing, and they use every chance to take a dig at me, each one worse than the last.

When he first disappeared from his tour, the tabloids had had a field day. No matter how much we claimed that he was ill, someone had leaked the story of him running out of the hotel to get on the plane, and of course, they'd put two and two together and come up with five, as is the norm in this town.

I only breathed easy once she came back alone, but even that was a two-edged sword because the bitch came back looking better than ever, and she was all anyone could talk about again. I'm pretty sure she pays all those people to say such things about her, to constantly sing her praise. And if that's not bad enough, her friend, who we also tried so hard to destroy, was on the rise again.

The two of them have been making the rounds, going to all the places we'd run her away from. Places she used to frequent with Ryder and was too chicken shit to visit now that he was mine. But lately, she's everywhere and looking better than ever. Her PR team must be working overtime because all of her press has been glowing in the last few weeks, and it's sickening.

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Shut up! Just shut up, Dad. This is all your fault. You should've been paying attention to him. Those men you hired didn't do their job, and now this is where we're at. How did they let him get away?"

His look was so furious I recoiled as I thought he would hit me. He's never done it before, not really, well, not since I was younger, not since I first laid eyes on Ryder, and the plan began to form. He'd lose his temper, sure, but he'd usually just throw things and yell. But now it seemed he was feeling the pressure as much as I was, which only made me worry more.

"I can't take much more of this. Everyone is talking about her, about how great she looks. They're saying that Ryder was by her side, that she's the reason he canceled his tour in the middle of it, and everyone believes it.

"It's not true; why would he do that when he has you to come home to?"

There was no mistaking the sarcasm in his voice, and I wished I was brave enough to smack him. Sometimes I wish I hadn't made a deal with the dark side. My husband had way more money than my dad, which means that, as his wife, I was wealthier. I could easily push him out of my life; that way, I wouldn't have to deal with this shit any longer.

But that would bring down the whole house of cards. I was locked in with nowhere to turn. It would be different if Ryder loved me, even a little bit, but I knew that I was nothing to either of these men. One was using me to satisfy his greed, and the other was only with me because he'd been drugged and threatened into submission.

I saw Ryder's head bodyguard heading down to the workout room and made my excuses. I might as well do something to take the edge off, and the coke wasn't working. Steve's always been good for a quick lay, and though it was risky doing anything here, no one would bother us down there this time of day, I'm sure.

I shouldn't reward him since he'd let Ryder escape, and giving him my body is just one of the ways I keep him under my control when it comes to keeping tabs on my husband. It's a little game I came up with all my own. Give him piece on the side whenever he wants, and he doesn't let my husband out of his sight or let any women who are prettier than me near him.

I'm sure he got a kick out of screwing the hot wife of an A-list celebrity right under his nose, and it served Ryder right for still being in love with that bitch. My phone dinged as I made my way to the elevator. It was some stupid tabloid update. The bitch was in Europe.

I'll have to get someone over there to follow her since, lately, the people we have on her have been failing as well. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that she knew we were having her watched and had given them the slip.