Chapter 22

Graham was at the evening reception of Julia and Dave's wedding. It was on a medium-sized boat making its way along the Thames. It had started at one end of London, after the ceremony that took place in Richmond, then slowly wended its way through central London, where the evening reception guests including Graham, had boarded, and it would finish its journey in Tower Hill, near the Tower of London.

Apparently, Dave was quite boaty and had always fancied the idea of a party on a boat, so Graham had persuaded him if there was ever a time for this, it was now, for his wedding. Julia had loved the idea, insisting on white fairy lights festooned everywhere, and a band playing pop songs in the style of the old nineteen thirties musicals staring Astaire and Rogers that she so loved.

The boat was filled with guests, drinking fizzy wine or soft drinks, and eating nibbles from the buffet. Below deck was a dancefloor, which Graham had yet to see, instead preferring to watch London's twinkling buildings slowly move past in the darkness of the night.

He'd been invited to the ceremony, but declined. The whole churchy, aisles, bridesmaids, flower girls, page boys and vicar spectacle didn't hold as much interest to him, as the evening's party, when things were always less formal.

It was probably because he did so many marriage party outfit jobs that he preferred the evening; it was the stage of the wedding when men removed their ties and suit jackets, when bridesmaids tucked their dresses up, when older relatives would dance like they'd done in their younger days, and when everyone let their hair down at least a little, and had a go at talking to people they didn't know, most of the social awkwardness of earlier, long gone thanks to the free alcohol most had enjoyed since lunchtime.

Graham finished the Prosecco – cheaper than Champagne, and apparently Julia's favourite – putting the glass down, feeling slightly light headed and allowing a small curl of melancholy to unfurl within him.

‘I wondered where you'd be,' Sam's voice was behind him.

Graham turned. ‘How's it going downstairs on the dancefloor?'

‘A few people went a bit hard too early, on the free fizz, and are regretting it. Some are throwing up over the side of the boat. The gentle rocking is too much for them if they're below deck.' Sam smiled.

‘It's all about seeing the horizon, apparently.'

‘What is?'

‘Seasickness. If you can see the horizon, you're unlikely to feel sick. So below deck is…' He made a face.

‘Ryan's here,' Sam said.

‘As the son of the bride, I assumed he would be.' At the time, Sam had tried to discuss Ryan and Graham splitting up, but Graham had said it wasn't fair on Sam, as he was friends with both of them, and besides, Graham didn't think there was anything to discuss.

‘Have you seen him?' Sam asked, with a tone of optimism.

From afar. And he looked absolutely magnificent, if Graham did say so himself. In the suit Graham had chosen, in the size and fit he'd recommended. Broad shouldered, narrow waisted, tight fitted suit sleeves and trousers, accentuating his muscles. A pink shirt to match the pink flowers at the wedding. Ryan suited pink, it went with his confident masculinity, Graham reckoned. It was perfectly Ryan. Celebrating everything about how he looked. Which was how Graham always intended for everything he advised clients to wear.

Graham shrugged. ‘He was busy.' Standing in the corner, looking devastatingly handsome, briefly making eye contact with me. ‘I needed some air.'

‘Right,' Sam said, sounding far from convinced.

‘Anything else to say on that?' Graham sounded impatient, keen for Sam not to start that conversation again.

Sam shook his head. ‘I'm glad you came. Even if…' He looked out across the water, to the twinkling buildings passing by. ‘Aren't we going to pass your place?'

Graham nodded. Remembering that first time he'd taken Ryan there. And the subsequent times too. It had all felt so wonderful. Optimistic. Joyful. Romantic. Reeking of such possibility. And then, not. ‘I wonder if I could jump off, go home.' Save the awkwardness of bumping into Ryan and pretending he was fine about them splitting up and wasn't really hurt and frustrated and mourning what could have been.

‘You don't mean that,' Sam said.

‘Don't I?'

Sam shook his head. ‘Not when they're playing your song.'

The opening bars of "Roar" by Katy Perry floated up from the bowels of the boat. People shouted and screamed and the music became louder.

Sam grabbed his hand, tried to pull him towards the music.

Graham shook his head, pulled his hand back.

Sam turned. ‘You're not going to dance at all?'

‘Not in the mood.'

‘That's the best thing about dancing, you see, once you start, you'll be in the mood for lots more.' Sam stared at him with a pleading expression. ‘Come on. I've been having a rest, saving my energy to dance with my brilliant, older brother, who means much more to me than that.'

Graham blushed, waved away the compliment. As if he'd had any other choice at the time.

‘One dance, then I'll leave you alone, so you can sulk in the cool air until the boat stops.' Sam smiled.

Graham thought it very miserable not to even agree to one dance, so followed Sam to the dancefloor.

It was dark, with multi coloured disco lights flashing from the DJ booth at one end, the music was loud, the dancefloor full of guests gyrating to the noise. Graham admitted it did look like fun. And he'd been avoiding that for a while ever since…

At the chorus of "Roar" Sam and Graham were in the middle of the crowd. Beneath their feet, shiny squares of the dancefloor flashed in red, green, yellow and blue. They were facing one another, holding hands, gyrating. Sam was miming being a tiger and roaring in time with the lyrics. Graham, at first felt self-conscious but then saw nobody was watching, and joined in with his brother.

The song ended, and everyone clapped.

The next song was "A Little Respect" by Erasure, which Graham and Sam remained on the dancefloor for. Briefly, Graham remembered the twink who'd never heard of them, and raised his eyebrows in amusement. After a few more songs, Graham left to sit near the bar, where he watched the others dancing.

Sam continued gyrating and moving in time with the music, and was soon joined by Ryan. Ryan, looking, now he was closer than before, very handsome in the suit, tie undone, pink shirt unbuttoned to reveal a delicious vee of hairy chest, his jacket long since discarded, the shirt untucked on one side.

Sam and Ryan were talking, laughing, dancing together.

Graham couldn't help but smile, it was good that Sam had a friend like Ryan.

The song finished and Ryan spoke to the DJ, possibly making a request.

Graham needed some air, so he took his drink, walked to the stairs, about to return to the deck to see if they'd passed his apartment.

‘Sorry everyone,' Ryan was saying loudly through the microphone.

Silence fell.

‘I need to pause for a moment, what I'm sure you can all agree, is a brilliant wedding. You see I made a massive mistake. And I need to apologise. To that man,' he said, ‘standing on the stairs.'

Graham turned, surely, he couldn't mean him, could he?

‘Yes, you, Graham,' Ryan said.

Graham's face heated and flushed bright red. What was Ryan going to do now?

‘Graham, will you please forgive me? I should never have bailed on that wedding dress fitting session. It was stupid of me, worse because it wasn't even about me, because it was for Mum's dress. And, I should never have bailed on us.' Ryan swallowed, shut his eyes briefly, wiped sweat from his forehead. ‘I'm sorry. I was an idiot. An immature, short-sighted, cynical knob head.' He smiled awkwardly.

How could Graham resist that? A smile crept across his face.

‘Will you forgive me?' Sam asked, pleading and contrition in his eyes.

There was silence.

Graham nodded, of course he could forgive Ryan. He was standing still with terror and excitement, halfway up the stairs, relief and joy mixed in his stomach. He didn't think Ryan was an idiot. He thought Ryan was clever, handsome, charming, protective, loyal, and pretty bloody splendid in fact.

‘Love is amazing,' Ryan said. ‘Mum and Dad have both found it. And I realised, that I can't, or won't, live without it. Without you.' He stared at Graham. ‘Can I hug you an apology too?'

Graham grinned as happiness bubbled in his stomach. If Graham had his way, he'd like Ryan to do much more than hug him an apology. Graham walked down the steps, across the dancefloor, up to the DJ both, where he hugged Ryan, his hands comfortably resting on Ryan's behind.

Ryan hugged him, held him tight, his draped around Graham's neck and then Graham's face, and they kissed.

Graham closed his eyes and only felt, only experienced, only now mattered, as they kissed. Their bodies touched from chest to waist and Graham knew he'd come home; this felt right.

The crowd clapped.

Julia's voice, on the microphone said, ‘And back to my wedding, please!' She looked at the two men. ‘I'm very happy for them. Love is amazing and when you find it, you must hold it tight.' She blew a kiss to her new husband, then left the stage.

The music started, people danced, and Graham was taken to a quiet corner of the boat.

Ryan had such deep apology in his eyes, as they sat on a sofa, next to a window, London's lights twinkling outside, the boat gently bobbing up and down.

‘When you were gone, I was miserable, nothing could change that. I realised all I wanted was to be with you. To wake up with you. To take care of you. As you have done with others your whole life. Would you let me do that?' Ryan asked, as his voice slightly cracked.

‘Yes,' Graham said, overcome with emotion, with the surprise, the joy, the love of the day, the evening, and of the man he sat next to.

Ryan knelt on two knees, putting his hands on Graham's thighs, looking up to him. He shook his head. ‘I've been so stupid. Mum and Dad's marriage has nothing to do with me. Us. And I let it. Their divorce isn't contagious. Why was I allowing that to cloud my judgement about you?'

Graham understood now. ‘Are you sure?'

Ryan nodded, smiled. ‘As sure as I've ever been about anything. Mum said, when she knew she felt that way about Dave, she just knew. And in here.' Ryan formed a fist and hit his chest. ‘In here, I know how I feel about you.' He looked away, blinked away a tear as it rolled down his cheek. ‘I worry.'

‘About what?'

‘I still won't be able to give you what you want.'

‘You've still not asked me what I want,' Graham said with care.

‘Marriage. Forever.'

Graham blinked away a tear. ‘You can have forever without marriage. Anyway, it's a bit of a busman's holiday for me, is marriage.'

‘What?' Ryan frowned.

‘Mum wasn't married. And even if she had been, I doubt it would have changed her, or our childhood. Spending time with brides and grooms, day in day out, I see it's for some people, it's the most important thing for some, but it's not for everyone. Some people focus everything on the wedding and forget about the marriage. Big mistake! I knew I was gay since I was young. Civil partnerships always felt a bit second best, a separate way around the law and some religious objections, something a little bit different, just for the gays. One of the things that's always appealed to me about growing up gay is that we don't have tofollow what so many straight people see as a traditional path, the only way their life can be viewed as a success, often without even thinking about it. Living together, marriage, kids. I think some people make those choices without even choosing them, without understanding they are choices they can make; they feel they have to continue on that path, taking the next step, doing the same things as their parents, unconsciously. But being gay can be about whatever we want to give our lives meaning; it doesn't have to mean children, marriage, living together. I've always known I could do whatever I wanted with my life. Some people say it's selfish not to have children; I think it's more selfish to have kids when you don't really want them, simply because it's what's expected of you. Besides, gay marriage has only been possible since I was about Sam's age and by then I'd decided it wasn't the be all and end all for me. I knew I wouldn't need a piece of paper to tell the world I was someone's partner. Loving someone, creating a life together, are more important than the marriage bit. I don't need that to feel secure.'

‘You don't?' Ryan asked.

Graham shook his head. ‘Not for one moment.'

‘Well then, let's not get married. And be each other's boyfriend forever.'

‘Sounds gay, and fabulous, I'm in!' Graham winked.

They kissed and Graham felt elated, light, as if he was flying through the sky on wings of joy.