Chapter 21

Ryan was at work, staring at his computer screen, having read the same paragraph four times and still not understood it. He hoped to feel relieved, pleased at the decision to walk away from Graham. It was after all, the right decision. The decision he needed to take to protect himself from becoming too involved, too seriously into a relationship, because they always ended, and someone always got hurt.

And yet, here he was, some months later, still waiting to be more relieved that he'd avoided anything becoming serious with Graham, than the dull, lingering regret he'd experienced ever since; regret at not feeling terrified and leaping into the great unknown of a relationship with Graham; regret at not listening to his heart rather than his head. Regret.

‘Do you want a tea or coffee?' a voice interrupted his thoughts. It was his colleague.

‘I was miles away,' Ryan said. ‘Is it better to keep things simple?'

‘Tea or coffee, is that what you mean?'

‘In life.'

‘Bit deep for a Thursday afternoon, isn't it?' His colleague left.

He hadn't been able to talk to Sam about his relationship with Graham, since anything they discussed would surely get back to Graham. And Ryan couldn't shake the feeling Sam wouldn't be happy with what had happened between Ryan and his brother. He was sure that somehow all of this mess would have made Sam feel divided about his loyalties, having to choose between his brother or his best friend. So, Ryan hadn't even mentioned it to Sam; he'd kept it all to himself.

Sitting at his desk, wondering what Sam was doing, Ryan decided there was a particular sort of irony in this situation where the person he would have normally asked for help, discussed it with, was the same person he couldn't mention it to, since Sam himself was entangled and would be giving support to Graham, as a good brother should, that he couldn't have possibly given an unbiased opinion to Ryan.

Ryan checked his phone, and seeing there was a message from Sam, smiled. Sam was a good friend and he was lucky to have retained their friendship.

Sam: how are you today?

Lately, Sam had commented that Ryan didn't seem his usual self, said he'd appeared more withdrawn, noticed that he wasn't going out much, was taking less care with his appearance, and commented that Ryan appeared flat most of the time. Sam had asked what was the matter, and Ryan had said it was concerns about his mum's marriage to Dave.

In truth, that wasn't too much of a lie, he certainly had worries, and was yet to be convinced his mum was marrying for the right reasons, and not because she was lonely and had seen his dad happily married to Matt and worried as she reached her late forties, she would be left on the shelf. Obviously, Julia hadn't told Ryan any of that, he didn't expect her to be so open to her own son, but Ryan knew that was how this sort of thing worked; in short, why marriages often ended.

Feeling as if work was pretty pointless, wondering if he ought to have ironed his shirt today, and admitting that his hair could do with a wash and was well-due a cut, Ryan replied to Sam's message.

Ryan: tired, fine. You?

Ryan visited his mum that evening, trying his best to appear happier and more positive than he felt.

‘Cheer up,' she said as she hugged him.

‘I'm fine.'

‘Well, you don't look it.' She sighed, looking at his crumpled shirt and ruffling his greasy hair with her hand. ‘Ready for the big day?' It was her and Dave's wedding next week.

Ryan hadn't paid much attention to it, just agreeing to do whatever she asked. Having missed out on the outfit shopping day with Graham, he felt he couldn't be more of a nuisance. He nodded.

‘It was so much easier when you fell over and I rubbed it better,' she said. ‘Or someone had taken your toys at playgroup. I'd tell you it was about sharing and you needed to learn to play nicely with others.'

Ryan shrugged. ‘I don't remember.'

‘Once, I collected you from school and you'd been crying. I asked what was wrong.'

‘And?' he asked, grateful for something to distract his circular thoughts about the last thing he'd said to Graham.

‘You were playing dressing up and there was a ballerina outfit you wanted to wear, but one of the boys told you it was for girls, so you couldn't wear it.'

‘What did I wear?' Ryan asked.

‘King's costume – golden crown, cape, beard.'

Ryan didn't remember this, but he still felt it unfair the girls could wear anything and for some reason the boys could only wear certain things.

‘It's no big deal, you know,' Julia said, touching his forearm as it rested on the kitchen table.

‘I know. We split up. Happens all the time.' He shrugged.

She shook her head. ‘I mean you.' A pause and then: ‘And as for dumping Graham, I think you're a fool.'

He narrowed his eyes. ‘Me, what do you mean, me?'

She sat next to him at the table. ‘I told your dad and Sophie. Neither of them was surprised. Just happy for you. As I knew they would be.'

‘You told them?' He frowned in anger and confusion. ‘What did you tell them?'

‘That you're gay. No big deal. Sophie had guessed, and your dad, well he made some joke about it running in the family. Matt, of course, was delighted. Said something about welcoming you to that family as well as him being your stepdad. Seemed to find it very amusing.'

Ryan felt as if his worst secret had been shared on national news. He felt ashamed, anxious and angry. Bunching his hand into a fist, he said, ‘Why? You had no right to do that.'

She held his forearms, stared into his eyes. ‘After keeping Dave, a secret, and your dad working stuff out in his head for years, until he finally came out in his fifties, I just couldn't face another family secret.'

‘It's my secret. My secret to keep. Or at least it was my secret. And you've…'

‘Set you free from it.'

‘Set me free?' he asked. ‘What new age bollocks is that? It wasn't yours to set free. Don't you understand that?'

‘What I do understand, is you've never been more miserable than since you stopped seeing Graham. Me, your dad, Julia, none of us care about who you love, just as long as you're happy.'

Ryan shook his head, bit his bottom lip in anger. He wanted to punch something. Hard.

‘Are you happy?' she asked.

‘I was. How come no-one's mentioned it?' He'd spoken to his dad and Sophie since his mum had evidently told them he was gay, and neither of them had mentioned anything.

‘I said you were very private. Not to say anything unless you said first. Presumably you didn't?'

Ryan shook his head. ‘Nothing to say. I wasn't with Graham, so why bother coming out to anyone?'

‘Because,' she said, ‘it's part of who you are. It's nothing to be ashamed of, or something not tell those who love you.'

He couldn't really disagree with that, so he said nothing.

After a long silence, Julia said, ‘I know you said not to tell anyone, but I was being asked by Sophie what was wrong with you. Your dad too, he was worried. Matt joked if you were gay. I said nothing, but they read it on my face, and then it all came out. Excuse the pun.'

Frustration fizzed through his veins. ‘I'm not gay. I was dating Graham. I'm Ryan.'

His mother nodded. ‘Whatever you say. It makes no difference to us, we all love you, whether you're dating a man, a woman, or no one. You're Ryan and we love you for who you are.' She kissed his forehead. ‘Understood?'

He nodded. The anger, the frustration, all melted away. Ryan felt a sense of anticlimax that his coming out had been of such little note. That his family had shrugged it off and simply got on with their lives. He knew his mum had his best interests at heart. Maybe he was a bit gay, after all? Just because he didn't seem to fit the popular image of what many people expected a gay man to look like, to enjoy, how to behave, it didn't mean he wasn't gay.

‘Sorry,' she said, ‘I hope you can forgive me.'

He looked at her, his face hot with emotion, flushed with sadness, relief and happiness that finally, he could just be himself and not worry about how others saw him. ‘Of course, I can forgive you.' Because he loved her. His whole family too.

‘I'm so glad to hear it.' She smiled.

‘Why do you think I'm a fool?'

She held his hands and stared into his eyes. ‘Dave makes me happy. And so did your dad. For most of our time together. Before we married and during. It was only the last year or so when things became difficult. But I know now that was less about me and more about him. He worked and drank hard to escape what he felt deep inside, and only when he stopped could he really accept who he was, what he wanted.' She nodded in thought. ‘I think that's why we're still good friends. We split up because I couldn't give him what he, only then, realised he wanted. And Matt could. Does.'

‘What does this have to do with me being a fool?' Ryan asked.

‘Love is wonderful. It's the best thing in the world. I love Dave and Dave loves me. Same with your dad and Matt. Graham and you had something special. You don't find that with everyone you meet. Some people you just want to sleep with. Others make good friends. But finding someone who you understand and enjoy spending time with you, like a best friend, and who you find attractive too, well that's pretty rare and special, and that's wonderful. So, running away from it, and I say this with love, as I'm sure you know, but breaking up with Graham, after the way he made you feel, it was beaming out of you, makes you an absolute fool.'

Ryan thought for a moment. Was it really that simple? Love, was wonderful; the best thing in the world. And he'd walked away from it, or the potential for it to be in his life. He hadn't said I love you to anyone, but if there was someone who he felt deserved it, the only person he could think of was Graham. He let that thought settle for a moment, wondering what he needed to do, to show Graham he'd been so wrong. Then, feeling positive, finally understanding what he'd missed for so long, he asked, ‘All set for the wedding of the century?' He winked at her.

She talked about the flowers, and the church and the reception and how she and Dave hadn't wanted something too ostentatious since it was, for both of them, second time around. ‘Graham said, love is optimistic and we should enter into our marriage without apology for what went before.'

‘Which means?'

‘It's a touch splashier than we thought it would be. But it's only money, so…' She shrugged. ‘What do you look like in your suit?'

The suit Graham had chosen. And the day Ryan had bailed on. Missing the fitting and measuring and instead Graham had to do it all remotely, because Ryan, sticking to his pig-headed decision had said he wasn't free for any other fitting dates, so had sent his measurements instead. Regret at his stubbornness and stupidity at that decision settled in his gut. ‘Good.'

‘Good? Is that it? Don't you have a pic I can see?'

He'd taken some, staring in the mirror, impressed by how well it fitted and how well it went with his mum's wedding dress, Sophie's bridesmaid's dress and Dave's suit. Muted ivory, off white and light grey with pink flowers to provide an accent of colour – that was the description his mum had shared – from Graham obviously.

Finding the pictures on his phone, he handed it to his mum.

‘Good?! You look spectacular. The cut is perfect. The colour goes with my dress, and Dave's suit. Not too similar to his though. The shirt, he chose that too, didn't he? Graham, I mean.'

Ryan nodded. Graham had chosen it all, and now Ryan understood, his biggest mistake had been choosing not to choose Graham himself. Not to choose love, not to choose the opportunity for happiness, rather than choosing safety and the life he'd known before of being single. Maybe he'd got himself a little bit tied up in knots about how he described himself, about how others described him…gay, bi, straight, but when it all came down to it, what did it really matter, as long as he was happy? As long as he was loved…

‘You know, did I tell you I've invited Graham to the evening reception?' Julia asked. ‘I insisted. He said he didn't normally attend weddings, not for clients, but he's been a bit of a fan of my TV dramas since he was younger. I told him I would be mortally offended if he didn't attend. Emotional blackmail I know, but…' She shrugged. ‘I thought you might like to know he was going to be there. I know you're adults and everything, but I didn't want you to be surprised.' She stared at him for a long moment, widened her eyes. ‘Okay?'

‘Of course,' Ryan said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, while a plan slowly formed in his mind. If only there was an Apple gadget that could fix all the many and various mistakes he'd made with Graham. An iTwat, or an iApology, an iSorry, or perhaps an iLove maybe?