Chapter 17

The next week, Ryan was meeting Sam for their lunchbreak. He'd told Sam it was to ask about the woman he was supposedly seeing, which Sam hadn't mentioned before. But really Ryan wanted to have a go at actually, properly telling Sam, explaining what was happening between him and Graham, and…well, in doing so, come out to Sam too.

They sat on a bench in a park. Other office workers sat on the grass, reading, staring at their phones, eating, chatting in small groups.

They ate their stuffed baguettes in silence for a while, sitting close to each other. They got the usual ‘all right?' questions out of the way, both confirming they were fine.

‘How's work?' Ryan asked, it seemed like a safe topic to start with.

‘I told my boss what the people said in the showroom that weekend.'

‘What did he say?'

‘They're testing something similar, so he's asked me to work with the person in charge on questions to ask potential customers. I hope they don't want me to actually ask them.'

‘You could watch, though, right?'

‘Perching in the corner, I don't think so.'

‘One way glass. You sit in a room with the rest of the team. Watch the focus group guy doing his thing through the glass.'

‘Woman. She's called Sally. Has been running their focus groups for years. Decades.'

‘Nice.' Ryan nodded. Talking of women…‘Is she pretty?' It felt as good a way as any of introducing the topic.

‘In a sort of MILF way, you mean?'

Ryan shrugged.

‘Not bad. Why? You want to be the other side of the one-way glass too?'

Ryan shook his head. ‘What's happening with that girl you're seeing?'

‘She's all right. Why? Do you fancy her?' Sam chuckled.

‘I've not met her.'

‘Right. Why then?'

‘Interested. Something to talk about.' Ryan shrugged.

‘She's older than me. I think I like that. Kinda knows what she wants. Even if I don't. So that's at least fifty percent sorted.'

‘What does she want?' Ryan asked, thinking this ought to be interesting.

‘She's not said, but she shows me by what she wants to do together. We saw some performance art; wasn't as bad as I thought. Went to an art gallery; some of it was kinda cool. Stuff like that. She definitely wants kids; talks about spending time with her nieces and nephews and invites me to join her next time.'

‘And you, do you want children?'

‘Eventually, yeah. Not yet though. Plenty of time for that.'

They nodded.

‘Do you want kids?' Sam asked. ‘Being a bit older than me, I wondered…'

‘Hadn't thought of it. Eventually yeah. Maybe when I turn thirty, I'll start taking stuff a bit more seriously. Proper grown up. Mum and Dad had me and Sophie by the time Dad was my age. Can't imagine being a dad now.' It wasn't just that he wasn't sure who he'd want to make a family with, it was also that Ryan didn't know if he even wanted a family. Or if he'd focus on work instead. Or dogs and cats. Whatever, he wasn't sure he'd follow the well-trodden path of his parents.

‘How was your night at the club? Where did you go, you didn't say?'

Ryan hadn't said because if it was a gay club, it would raise questions he didn't want to answer. Graham hadn't told him beforehand, which was better to avoid needing to lie to Sam. ‘Good. Plenty of room to dance.' And lots of men dancing on tables with their tops off. It was nice to be able to kiss Graham there, relaxed, not thinking about who might see. But it had been pretty full on. Men sucking face with other men on the dancefloor. Lots of blokes looking them up and down. One had stared at his chest, when Ryan had removed his T-shirt, as it was so hot. The toilets had a lot of activity in the cubicles that Ryan had tried his best to ignore. It was very…gay.

‘It was a group, you went with, wasn't it?'

That was the first big lie he'd told Sam. Inventing a group of colleagues who'd convinced Ryan to go clubbing. Both of those were almost as unlikely as Ryan giving up Apple and moving to Android. But Sam had seemed to accepted it. Guilt lodged itself in Ryah's throat. He nodded.

‘If you go again, do you reckon I could come? I used to go clubbing all the time at uni. We both did. But it's harder only being able to do it at weekends, now we've got work. Don't know where is good. If I'm only going once or twice a month, I don't want to go somewhere that's shit.'

‘Yeah. I reckon we can arrange that.'

‘Unless it was shit.'

‘It wasn't.' It really wasn't. Once he'd become used to the very gay vibe, he'd started to enjoy it. Being surrounded by men similar to himself, being able to blend in, do whatever he wanted, was liberating, freeing. Kissing and dirty dancing with Graham had been pretty good fun too…

‘Where did you stay?'

This was the harder part, the morning after, Ryan had been vague, said the friends wanted to do something together on Sunday, so he'd stayed at their place. Which made it sound like they all lived together, like in a student house. The problem with making up a group of colleagues was Ryan couldn't keep track of who they were, where they lived, or what they did. Which made telling Sam about it even more difficult.

‘Somewhere by the river. High up. Amazing views across the water.'

‘Where?'

‘Don't know. Got a cab. But there was this big old ship on the other side of the Thames.'

‘Cutty Sark? That's near where Graham lives.'

‘Could be.'

There was silence. Ryan almost said, ‘I was with your brother,' but didn't. Instead, he said, ‘Do you think it's serious, with this girl?'

‘Could be.' Sam shrugged.

‘Do you want it to be?'

Another shrug. ‘I don't know when I'll want it to be.'

‘I think you'll just know. If you don't know, that's probably a soft no.'

‘She's definitely not a hard no. Could be a hard yes. Early days.' Sam shrugged. ‘Says you, who's never dated anyone.'

‘Except at uni.'

‘Was she a hard no, or a soft no?'

‘She decided before it mattered what I thought,' Ryan said, with a touch of sadness in his tone.

‘Regrets?'

Ryan shook his head. ‘Like a blunt pencil.'

‘What?'

‘Pointless.' Just like regretting what had happened in the lifeguard's car. You move on. Carry on with your life. Always moving forwards, like a car on a motorway. Leaving stuff like that behind. In the past.

‘Next time she comes round, I'll tell you so you can meet her. Never know, you might end up being my best man if we get married.'

‘Could that be on the cards?'

Sam shrugged. ‘Like I said, unsure. See how it goes. Theoretically, would you be my best man?'

‘Obviously.' Ryan would think it an honour and a privilege.

There was a long silence.

‘You know you can tell me anything, don't you?' Sam asked.

Ryan nodded. ‘Same for you.'

Another silence. They had finished their baguettes. Sam offered Ryan some of his crips.

Ryan took them, crunching away in thought. Tell him, tell him, tell him.

‘Have you done the big wedding outfit thing for your mum, with Graham, I mean?' Sam asked. ‘He's looking forward to it.'

‘Is he? How do you know?'

‘He told me. We talk. Not as much as when Mum was alive. It was daily then. Kinda miss it. Although most was about her. But we'd slip in other stuff too.' A long silence and then: ‘Funny how we get used to one thing, and then it changes and then there's something else to get used to.'

Ryan agreed. ‘Right.' Tell him, tell him, tell him.

Another silence.

Sam checked the time on his phone. ‘I'd better get back.' He stood.

Ryan stood. They hugged.

Sam patted his back as always. ‘See you tonight. Unless you're out with your new friends?'

‘See you later.' Ryan waved, knowing it was too late to tell him now.

Sam walked to the edge of the small park, through the gates, crossed the road, towards his office.

Shit, shit, shit!Why had he totally failed to tell Sam? The conversation about the girl Sam was seeing, relationships, serious or otherwise would have been perfect. But Ryan couldn't. His throat had stuck. He couldn't say the words. He knew Sam wouldn't care, but Ryan would. It wasn't just admitting to himself what he was, what he might be. But that it was with Sam's brother.

Awkward. Like they might end up as brothers-in-law. Or something.

Ryan returned to his desk, started some research on competitors to Soleil, but couldn't focus. He tried to think if a message was a better way to tell Sam that he was sort of seeing Graham. He started writing an email, off and on, for most of the afternoon. He wrote and rewrote it, should he use the word gay, or curious, or leave it out altogether? Should he simply say he had been with Graham at the weekend. That he hoped to be with Graham again that weekend. He could let it speak for itself, without needing to say the actual words dating, or gay.

At six, he finished the desk research report, then reviewed his draft email to Sam: Hi Sam,

With a groan, he deleted it.

Ryan was at his dad and Matt's place, a roomy house in a nice London suburb. It had off street parking, a large bay window, an enormous back garden.

Matt had let him in, hugged him, kissed his cheek. He'd always done this. Said it was what he always did to people he cared about. It used to make Ryan feel at ease, at Matt's expression of kindness. But today it felt awkward, scratchy, a little annoying, perhaps a touch too much.

Ryan had never found Matt attractive. Quite apart from the fact he was married to his dad, he was the wrong build for Ryan to find attractive, and his mannerisms, his confidence about being very obviously gay, had Ryan envious, rather than lustful.

Matt perched on the stool by the kitchen island. ‘Your dad's doing a phone interview about something. He'll be here soon. What's new with you? What's it like being in the big scary world of work?'

Very easy, compared to the life Matt had experienced before meeting Grant. ‘I was telling Sam I want to go clubbing again, but when it's only weekends, all the nights we used to go to aren't an option. Going out mid-week is a hard no.'

‘Sure? Soft drinks all night, leave at 2am, in bed by three, still get six hours' sleep. I used to do it all the time.'

‘Were you working in an office?' Ryan was pretty sure he knew the answer.

‘Strictly speaking, no.' Matt smiled. ‘I'm sure you'll get into a new routine once you're settled in the job.'

Ryan hoped so too. ‘It's a lot, you know? The job and the scheme, and getting our own place. It's not like being at university.'

‘Isn't that the main point, though?' Matt asked.

Ryan's dad arrived in the kitchen, looked from one man to the other. ‘What is the point?'

Matt explained.

Ryan felt he should justify himself, not sound like too much of an ungrateful spoilt child. Since he hoped he was neither now. He admitted he had been before. ‘I'm not complaining. I'm glad not to be at uni. It's just…' How would he explain it?

‘Why do we have the fortune of you gracing us with your presence?' his dad asked. ‘If it's about your mum's wedding, I'm very happy for her.' He looked at Matt. ‘Aren't we?'

Matt nodded. ‘Very. Deliriously so. I'm sure Dave will scrub up nicely.'

Grant shot him a look. ‘Careful.'

Matt made a zipping motion across his lips. ‘Sorry.'

‘It's about that actually,' Ryan began, ‘the person who Mum's hiring to style her fiancé…' He looked at the floor.

‘How did Julia get him? I want him to be honest. Can we have him do us a joint session?' Matt asked Grant.

Grant said nothing. Turned to Ryan. ‘He's doing a session for the wedding party, isn't he? Julia said. Sort of a buy-one-get-one-free.'

‘Except he is charging,' Matt corrected.

Grant shrugged, nodded at Ryan. ‘Go on.'

He's the reason I'm here. He's the reason I need to tell you something about myself I didn't know until I met him.It sounded ridiculous in his head. Which was why Ryan didn't say it. ‘Yeah, I'm thinking of having a session with him.' On his kitchen floor. In his bed. Up against the wall in the shower.

‘Is that wise?' Grant asked, ‘I thought you weren't awash with money.'

Ryan's mouth fell open. His last-minute bailing on the reason he was here had left him somewhat adrift explanation-wise. ‘I'm fine thanks very much,' he snapped a little unkindly, he immediately realised.

‘I suppose he's giving you a discount,' Matt added. ‘Since you're friends with his brother.'

Grant frowned. ‘Rewind. What?'

‘Graham's brother is Sam,' Grant said. ‘My friend Sam.'

‘I liked him,' Grant said. ‘Nice lad. Very polite. Grateful. No bother.'

‘You make him sound like a puppy,' Matt said with a laugh.

‘Don't be rude about my friend,' Ryan snapped.

‘Only joking.'

Grant said, ‘He had a difficult family situation. Spending it with us was a break.'

‘With you, Julia, Ryan and Sophie?' Matt asked. ‘You're hardly ordinary.'

‘We were a bit more ordinary then,' Grant added.

‘Fair enough,' Matt said with a shrug. ‘Can you see if he'd do us a friends and family discount?'

Ryan nodded; glad they'd moved off the topic slightly.

Matt went on, ‘He's very hunky, isn't he? Graham whathisname. If I wasn't very happily married, I would want him to restyle me in all sorts of directions. Very hard indeed.' He smirked.

Matt talking about Graham like that made a strange feeling surge in Ryan's stomach. Was it jealousy? Or anger maybe? Or something about how he didn't think Matt would be Graham's type. Why did that matter anyway? As Ryan tried to make sense of it, he said nothing.

‘So, you came here,' Grant said, ‘to tell us you're using Mum's personal shopper yourself?' He frowned. ‘Couldn't you have sent a message?'

‘You said you wanted to see more of me.'

Grant hugged him. ‘I did. Sorry.'

But suddenly, Ryan felt very stupid. Really foolish and childish. Why did he think he could do this? Tell them just like that? When he wasn't sure himself what he thought or felt. It was weird enough with Matt being here, since this felt very personal, and something, now Ryan thought about it, he'd want to tell his dad first. Never mind the fact that, similar to his dad, he hadn't realised before now that he was gay. If he was saying he was gay, that was. No. Abort, delete, retreat, rethink the strategy.

Ryan stood. ‘I'm going. Thanks.' He walked to the door.

There was some talking in the kitchen. Then his dad joined him by the door, concern on his face. ‘Why did you really come? Tell me. Please.'

Ryan shook his head. ‘I said.' He bit his bottom lip. He really wanted to say something, but didn't want to hurt his dad's feelings.

‘Just say it,' Grant said.

Quietly, he said, ‘Why does he always have to make everything about how much he fancies someone? You can't talk about any men without him passing comment.'

Grant frowned. ‘It doesn't bother me. I know it's all for fun. It's only Matt being himself. It never used to bother you.'

Because before, Matt hadn't been talking about someone Ryan had feelings for, who he'd been with. Someone who made Ryan question who he was. The confidence with which Matt discussed men he found attractive was enviable. He'd always done it, only now it upset Ryan; he envied it of Matt. He wasn't going to say that it had worn thin, that he found Matt a bit much, because that wasn't fair. Or the whole truth. ‘It's better if I go.' Ryan opened the door.

‘Don't go in the middle of an argument. Stay. Let's talk it out.' Grant pleaded with him.

Ryan shook his head, left. There was nothing to discuss. Not that Ryan could put into words anyway.

On his way home, his mum called.

He answered using hands free.

‘I'm worried about you,' she said.

‘What's Dad said?'

‘You visited today, and didn't seem yourself. Stormed out. Something about Matt and Graham. He doesn't understand.'

Neither did Ryan now he thought about it. ‘I wanted to tell Dad something positive. Not always turn up asking for money.'

‘Tell me instead. What's good in your life at the moment?'

‘You know when you meet someone and they make you see things differently? Make you want to be a better person?'

‘Yes. Are you dating?'

‘Not quite yet.'

‘So, there's a someone?'

He nodded. The word yes formed but caught in his throat.

‘Is that a yes?' she asked.

He mumbled in the affirmative.

‘I'm so happy!'

‘I don't know if it's anything. It probably isn't. But for the first time in forever, it might be. They want to see me again. I want to see them. We connected.'

There was a long silence, then Julia asked, ‘Is it Graham?'

Another interminably long silence, as Ryan's mouth fell open. Where had she got that from?

‘Aha!' she said. ‘That's not a no, which means it's probably a yes. I knew something had happened.'

‘Why?'

‘He's been so happy when we spoke. Like he's walking on sunlight. The happiness shines out of him. I asked if he had someone special. He said it was the relief at his mum's death, then felt guilty for saying it. I told him grief was complex. Same as love.'

Ryan swallowed.

‘Is this what you wanted to tell your dad?' Julia asked.

‘I don't want to put a label on it. Us. Me. But since we're all so open about this sort of stuff, in our family, I thought I ought to be too.'

‘What do you mean?' she asked.

‘Relationships, our love lives, feelings, emotions, all that. You with Dave, Dad and Matt, Sophie and that bloke she's seeing.'

‘I kept Dave quiet for twelve months. So don't feel you have to go public with you and Graham just yet. It can put a lot of pressure on a relationship.' She paused. ‘I would ask if I could meet him, but I know him. Which makes this perfect. All kinds of perfect.'

‘Can you not tell Dad please?'

‘Have you told Sam? Surely, he knows you're dating his brother?'

‘I've not told him.'

‘But he'll know soon though, won't he?'

‘Not from me he won't.'

‘Come on. There comes a point when it's impossible to keep a secret. I think you're very close to that point. Given you live with Sam.'

‘I tried to tell him but couldn't.'

‘Why?' she asked. ‘Isn't he your best friend?'

‘He is. But Sam and Graham are really close. Now they don't have a mum, even more so. I don't want Sam to think I'm encroaching on their relationship.'

‘Would you like me to ask Graham to tell Sam?'

‘Why would you get involved?'

‘To help. Or not. What do you want me to do?'

Nothing. To not know.But that was impossible. That was the problem with secrets. Once you told someone, even if you swore them to secrecy, they still knew it. You couldn't unknow something. Even if you really wanted to.

‘Nothing,' Ryan said, ‘nothing. Please.'

‘If you're sure,' Julia said, ‘whatever you think best.'

Ryan nodded, swallowed. ‘Yeah. Please.'

‘I'll keep it to myself. But just to reassure you, I think everyone will be fine.'

‘You think.' But you can't know.

‘I'm pretty sure. Almost definite. Your dad will be happy for you. I'm over the moon. Sophie will be too. And Sam loves you, why wouldn't he be happy you're dating his brother, assuming Graham is happy to be your boyfriend?'

They hadn't described each other like that, hadn't given their relationship a status, other than ‘it's complicated.' He told her.

‘It will all be well in the end, trust me.' A pause, and then: ‘I wish I could hug you, tell you to your face how you're making a mountain out of a molehill.'

‘Thanks.' That molehill was his life; his identity, how others saw him, how he saw himself. It might feel like a molehill to others, but to Ryan it was his own personal mountain, and he didn't know how he would climb it.

‘Love you,' Julia said.

‘Love you too.' Ryan ended the call. He needed to make another one now. Terror gripped him, his palms were sweaty and his throat dry, as his breathing went shallow. He felt as if he was about to climb Mount Everest, alone, without the right equipment. Ridiculous.

He rang the number. It went to voicemail. He left a message, then ended the call.