Chapter 18

Graham was with a male client, shopping for business attire. He waited for the man to leave for the changing room, to try on another suit.

Graham checked the voicemail from Ryan: ‘I'm really sorry, I can't come to the wedding clothes session. You'll have to do it without me.'

No explanation. After the last time they'd seen each other, it seemed to come out of the blue.

The client approached, wearing a navy-blue suit, he held his hands out, pulled the jacket around his stomach. ‘I don't think it works right for me.'

Graham had to focus on what he was doing now, so he put his phone in his pocket. ‘Turn around, could you please? I'd like to see you from the back.'

The man did as asked.

‘The legs are a bit long,' Graham said, ‘but the jacket works.'

‘Does it?' The client didn't sound convinced, but it was Graham's job to help him see that for himself.

They spent the afternoon together; Graham showed the client how much slimmer he looked in shirts and specially fitted and properly designed T-shirts instead of the baggy atrocities he'd been wearing. He convinced the client that it was unlikely he'd lose a third of his body weight since he was over forty and body metabolisms changed and he would be better off accepting it and buying clothes more appropriate to his body shape and life.

Satisfied, and carrying bags of new clothes, the client thanked Grahem, then left.

Relieved to be alone finally, Graham rang Ryan.

Surprisingly, Ryan answered: ‘All right?'

‘That's what I was just about to ask you,' Graham said.

There was a long pause, and finally Ryan said, ‘You don't really need me there, do you? I'm not getting married. Surely, as long as you have Mum and Dave wearing something nice, plus Sophie, I can turn up in clothes that are safe and inoffensive. A grey suit, maybe?'

It was hardly the point. Graham bit his bottom lip. ‘No big deal.' It wasn't, but it was more the signal it sent to Graham. That Ryan couldn't tell Sam and everyone else who he really was. That he wanted to keep Graham a dirty secret.

Quietly, Ryan said, ‘Mum guessed.'

‘Perceptive woman.' That was at least something.

‘I asked her not to tell Dad.'

Not so good. ‘Why?'

A long sigh from Ryan.

Graham went on, ‘Years ago, I used to live with this guy; he had his own place and I was between homes, so moved in very quickly, it made sense. Perfect boyfriend. Mum was being very difficult and sad and he was fun. It was exactly what I needed to help me cope. Just us two. We did everything together, didn't bother meeting each other's friends, relatives nothing like that. Which sounds great, but when you get down to it, it's not. Because, eventually you've got to be a couple, you've got to be yourself with others. You can't stick in the stage when you're in bed all day, cutting the world out. Because it doesn't last and it's not real.'

‘Right,' Ryan said, sounding unsure.

‘I never met his parents, he said they were really old and had lost it, in a nursing home.'

‘Sad,' Ryan said.

‘So, I thought. Until one day they were coming to stay.'

‘They got better?'

‘He asked me to move out, stay with a friend. Took down all our photos of us together.'

‘Oh.'

‘He wasn't out. Never planned to tell them. So, our whole life was a secret.'

‘I see.'

‘I did, eventually. I moved out one time when his parents were visiting, and just never moved back. I decided if he really loved me, he'd introduce me to his parents. Tell them who I was, and therefore show them who he was too.'

‘Did he?'

‘Last I heard, he was doing the same thing with another boyfriend. He worried the shock would kill his parents.'

There was another long silence.

‘Think about it,' Graham said, already feeling sure this was the beginning of the end of their relationship.

‘I understand, but I don't think I can do what I need to do.' Ryan ended the call.

Graham had thought it would be nice for someone to look after him for a change. Maybe it could be Ryan. That Ryan's strong, together, confident persona had seemed too attractive; too good to be true, and only after knowing him longer did Graham see there was a scared man inside Ryan's confident exterior. And now Graham saw that he shouldn't have told Ryan about his mum, or tried to push him into telling Sam about their relationship. All those complications, emotions, messy human relationships, he knew now, were too much for the man whose parents had divorced and who'd struggled to admit to himself who he was, and ultimately, they must have scared Ryan away. Forever.

A few days later, Graham was at the wedding dress shop with Julia, Dave and Sophie.

‘I'm really sorry,' Julia said, taking him to one side, and looking into his eyes with sadness, ‘but Ryan can't be here today.' She looked away, bit her lip. ‘He wanted to. But for some reason, he simply couldn't.'

Graham shrugged. ‘He must be really busy with work and the gym and living independently.'

‘With Sam,' she said, with emphasis.

‘I'm sure he's keeping Ryan on the straight and narrow,' Graham said, before he'd considered what that might imply.

Julia's eyes widened almost imperceptibly. She clearly wanted to say something, but had promised Ryan otherwise. Looking away, she said, ‘He's not good with feelings, emotions. Likes to keep them shut away inside. I'm surprised he's not had another crash.'

‘What?' Graham asked.

‘The car was his seventeenth birthday present and he wrote it off near his eighteenth. We'd had a perfect family break, in one of those wonderful holiday villages, a little lodge hidden in the forest. He seemed to enjoy it. Then one day his behaviour changed; he seemed really uncomfortable with himself, with the holiday, with everything. I asked what was the matter and of course he said nothing. Shortly afterwards he had an accident, crashed the car. Seemed really angry or upset, or frustrated about something or other. He hadn't been drinking, wasn't speeding, it was as if he'd forgotten to turn the corner and the car ended up off the road.' She made a face. ‘His quietness and moods, they all sort of blend into one over the years; I suppose it's because we're used to him. We never did get to the bottom of what happened.'

Graham let that sink in for a moment. If Ryan had a choice between fight or flight, he clearly preferred fight. But for some reason he hadn't wanted to fight Graham, perhaps that was because of what had happened between them, so it had been flight instead.

‘Shall we see what dresses they have?' Graham asked.

She had a faraway look in her eyes. ‘Yes. That is why we're here after all.' She led the way back to the main shop floor.

There an assistant greeted them, checked their appointment details, then said, ‘Are we doing suits too?' She looked at Dave.

Dave grimaced and shrugged, looking to Graham.

‘I hoped you could,' Graham said to the shop assistant, focussing on the task in hand, and putting to one side why Ryan hadn't turned up. ‘But if you're unable, then we can source them elsewhere. It's an overall coordinated look that we're aiming for with the wedding. All members of the bride and groom's close family should be in complimentary colours. If possible.'

She took Dave to one side, measuring his arms, chest, neck, waist and legs.

‘He looks as if she's measuring him for a coffin,' Julia said, elbowing Graham gently.

‘I think he'd be happier,' Graham replied then found another assistant to talk through Julia's wedding dress requirements.

Sophie had disappeared to try on tiaras, despite Julia saying she wasn't permitted one for the wedding.

‘Just because, for me,' Sophie had said, then walked to an adjoining room filled with costume jewellery.

As they waited, Julia and Ryan were sitting next to each other, Julia said, ‘If it puts your mind at rest, I don't think he'll have an accident this time.'

‘No?'

She shook her head. ‘Less angry and more scared, this time. As far as I can make out.' She looked him up and down, raising her eyebrows.

Does she know about us?

‘I'm happy for you. Both of you,' she said, touching Graham's forearm and making eye contact.

She definitely knows.‘Right.' Graham raised his eyebrows.

‘He didn't say anything; he didn't need to, I worked it out for myself. He must think I came down with the last shower. I told him, a mother knows.'

There was a long silence and Graham processed what this meant. Being out in the open felt better than keeping their relationship a secret. Finally, he said, ‘Have you told anyone else?' He nodded towards where Sophie had disappeared to the changing room. ‘Or Grant?'

She shook her head. Julia sighed, looking to the ceiling. ‘First time.' She nodded.

‘First time?' Graham asked.

‘Feeling like this. So, he's running away.' She shrugged. ‘Standard man, really.' She looked at him. ‘Not all men, of course. But Ryan is pretty standard when it comes to feelings. Particularly when they're new. Firsts. Important. Life-changing perhaps…'

What was she trying to hint to him? That Ryan feeling this way about someone was a first? That he'd not felt this emotional about a man before? Surely not.

Sophie arrived, wearing one sapphire and diamond encrusted tiara, holding two others. ‘What's life-changing?'

‘Nothing,' Julia said, sharing another look with Graham, then turning to the rack of wedding dresses to the side.

That evening – once he'd chosen a wedding dress that definitely didn't make Julia look like mutton dressed as lamb, in ivory, strapless, shapely around her hips, flaring into a fish tail and short train, with pearls shimmering in the light, then he helped Sophie with a head bridesmaid's dress she liked, and sorted Dave out with a single breasted suit in light brown, accompanying light blue shirt and brown leather shoes – that somehow, much to Dave's surprise seemed to make him look as if he'd lost a good stone or so – at home, Graham poured himself a drink and finally relaxed.

Should he call Ryan, tell him it wasn't such a big deal, that his family were surely going to be happy for him? His mum was clearly okay, his dad too, Graham felt sure, would be supportive too, and Sophie, why on earth would she have a problem with it?

Or was it bigger than coming Ryan out to them? From what Ryan had said, he had never been in a serious relationship. Maybe watching his parents' divorce had put him off all the romantic stuff like: forever, until death us do part, and big splashy romances with a capital R.

Sad.

Graham wasn't sure he was that much of a romance with a capital R man himself, but he at least wouldn't have minded giving it a try with Ryan. For the first time in his life, Graham had met someone he fancied, and who wasn't mad, or weird, or creepy, or all three. Of course, Ryan had his quirks, everyone did, but he was, when it all came down to it, an ordinary, kind, interesting, handsome, charmingly awkward man, and now Graham considered that it was probably all over for them, he saw that was precisely what he'd needed in his life, all along.

Was it really too much to ask for someone to look after Graham, after all these years of caring for others? And was it, maybe optimistic, na?ve of him to wonder if big, handsome, manly, charmingly reserved and shy, man-mountain Ryan was the right man to do that?

Graham shook his head in confusion, poured more wine, the bottle was empty, strange that. He supposed it explained why he felt himself descending into melancholy as he twirled the glass between his fingers.

Yes, he decided, it was stupidly na?ve to think Ryan and he had a future together. But it didn't stop him wondering it.