Chapter 16

It was a few days later, and Graham wanted to see Ryan again. He'd not called straight away – he wasn't some desperate mopey teenager – that part of his life was well behind him. But he did want to see Ryan again. After that night and morning together, they had a connection and he wanted to experience it again.

‘I wondered if I could maybe come round your place?' Graham said, on the phone to Ryan, trying to keep his tone casual, as he looked out of his window at the Thames below. Water sparkled, light streamed through the floor to ceiling windows, and Graham felt optimistic that hopefully, this could work. Finally, he'd found someone he could have an interesting, easy conversation with, and have scorching hot sex. What more was there, really?

Ryan was silent.

‘What?' Graham asked, sensing there was something else going on. ‘Kill two birds with one stone?' he added.

‘Which two birds and which stone? I never liked that expression. What if you don't want to kill the birds?'

‘See you, of course, and Sam.'

‘He went to your mum's plaque at the crematorium. I didn't know what to say. When he said that.'

Change of subject, but okay. ‘Listening's good. When did he go?' Graham asked.

‘Few days ago. That Saturday morning when we were at your place.'

Getting hot and sweaty in his bedsheets. Graham grinned at the memory. He wanted it again. A few days after seemed like a reasonable time to wait for this call. ‘Is that a yes? Or we could do something else? I can always catch Sam another time. I thought you'd like to see us both together, kill…Make the most of your time.'

There was silence.

Clearly Ryan was not on board with this suggestion. ‘Unless you want to come round mine again?' He looked about his apartment. It was roomy, plenty of space for him. Probably a touch small for two people, if he and—He stopped that thought. He was definitely getting ahead of himself.

‘Probably better,' Ryan said, ‘if we go to yours.'

‘Okay.' That was something at least. ‘Is there something wrong? Don't you want to meet?'

‘It's not that.' There was uncertainty in Ryan's tone.

What is it then?‘Right.' This was like getting blood out of a stone. ‘I thought we could go to a club maybe?'

‘Could do.'

‘If I text you the details, we can talk when we see each other.' Graham realised he wasn't going to get much more out of Ryan today. For whatever reason.

‘When? I can't do tonight. I'm working tomorrow.'

So was Graham, but he didn't want to labour the point. ‘Saturday?' It would be a week since they'd last seen each other.

‘Could do.'

Again, with that phrase. There was something wrong with Ryan, and in this mood, he was unlikely to explain why. He'd probably just say it was nothing. Even so, Graham's patience was wearing thin. ‘If you don't want to meet, just say.' And I'll do something else with my time. He gritted his teeth in frustration.

‘I'd like you to come to mine. It's just…I need to do a few things first.'

That was better, Graham grinned in relief. ‘Don't worry if it's not tidy, or clean. I'm coming to see you. And Sam of course.'

‘Can I call you later? I need to go.' There was an urgency in his tone, an undercurrent of worry too.

‘Of course.' Graham said, and before he could say goodbye the call ended. Ryan had really wanted to end the conversation. Graham stared at the phone. There was definitely something a bit off with Ryan, but he didn't know what or why, and felt pretty sure even if he'd asked, Ryan wouldn't have told him.

Graham checked his calendar, then spent the day shopping online for a few clients, sending them links with suggestions of how to mix and match the clothes to create their new looks, then at lunchtime, Graham ate healthily; a vegetable smoothie and some body bulking mix made into a sort of milkshake, making up for the steak and chips at the weekend. Then, deciding he hadn't been for far too long, he spent the afternoon in the gym.

While running on the treadmill, and rowing frantically, he sweated, became short of breath and tried to work out what might be wrong with Ryan. If he definitely didn't want to see Graham again, he wouldn't have answered, or would have said no to meeting. So it wasn't that. Was it something to do with meeting at Ryan's place? Could it be to do with Sam maybe? He wanted to call his brother, tell him what had happened, except so far, it wasn't a thing. They'd spent a night together, and unless it became something, it was probably better to keep Sam out of it. Simpler. Maybe that was Ryan's issue, Graham decided, as he returned home, had a shower, prepared rice, chicken breast and steamed vegetables for dinner.

Call you back soon, ended up, in Ryan-speak meaning two days. Graham was arriving home from the gym, breathless and giving up hope of ever hearing from Ryan again.

‘We could meet at your place?' Ryan said on the phone.

He'd clearly been thinking about it for a while, and seemed to need to blurt it out, without any preamble, hello, pleasantries. Graham walked up the stairs, the phone signal would dip out of he went in the lift, and he could do with more light cardio. He listened.

‘Unless you want to go out properly?' Ryan asked. ‘I really don't mind. Your place, a bar, or a club, as you said. Or dinner?'

So basically, anywhere but his place, Graham thought, wondering why. At his front door, Graham unlocked it, then walked in. ‘Is there something you're not telling me about your place? You're not keeping a secret boyfriend there, are you?' He chuckled.

Silence.

Oh, interesting, maybe that was the truth.‘Look, if you're not into this then we don't have to see each other again. It can just be what it was.' Two men having scorching hot sex, who won't see each other again. Or, given they had Sam in common, who'll pretend it never happened if they meet in polite company. It wasn't as if Graham hadn't done a variation on those two options dozens of times before.

‘I want to meet. Just not at my place.' A long pause, then: ‘I've not told Sam yet. Wasn't sure…'

If it was worth telling him if we aren't going to become anything? ‘Understood. Let's have drinks in town, then go to a club.'

‘Great,' finally he sounded as if he meant it.

Which made Graham smile. ‘How's your week been?'

‘Good. Yeah. Busy. Good.'

Graham wanted to make the most of the slightly loosened up Ryan, but also didn't want to run the risk of running out of things to say when they met. ‘Saturday night then. Anything else planned for the weekend?' Deliberately added the else, implying Ryan's other plans didn't necessarily need to involve Graham.

‘Sam and I are going out Friday night. Hang out together on Saturday, PlayStation probably. He wants to test drive a car, in the name of research for work. I'm not convinced. I think he just wants to try it out. That is, if he's not dragged away by whichever woman he's knocking about with at the moment.' Ryan chuckled nervously.

‘Is he? He's not told me,' Graham said.

‘Could be. Always is. Off and on. Nothing serious.'

‘Right.' Clearly Sam didn't tell him everything either. Which, although they were close, Graham had always believed to be true; it was hearing about Sam's casual knocking about with women that had Graham curious.

‘Anyway, I'd better let you go. See you Saturday in town.' A long pause, and Ryan didn't end the call. ‘Looking forward to it.' Then he hung up.

That felt a bit better, Graham decided. He hadn't realised his little brother was such a ladies' man. He supposed they didn't talk about that side of things to each other. Not because Sam was homophobic, or he didn't want to hear about the men in Graham's life, whether for one night, or one year, or Graham wasn't interested in the women in Sam's life, however serious. It was just that they talked about other stuff. Mostly their mum, until recently. Briefly, Graham wondered what he and Sam would have to discuss, now their mum was gone.

Stupid thought. They had plenty of other things in common.

On Saturday, Graham was standing in a bar in Soho, smart jeans and shirt, best box-fresh white trainers, his body sprayed liberally with his favourite eau de toilette, face smoothly shaved. He'd started the runup to getting ready at just after lunchtime. Stupid really. After going to the gym, he wanted to get that in for the weekend, as he didn't know how much time he'd have tomorrow for gym-going. He then tried the new shirt he'd bought, he hadn't bought it just for tonight, he told himself, but simply because he wanted a new one, deserved a treat, for working so hard of late.

Graham checked the time, and Ryan was due soon. He expected Ryan to be late, or to not turn up maybe. That would really tell Graham what he meant. It would give him the signal this was pointless. It was what it was and that was all it would ever be.

Graham, running his own business, acting as the CEO of his own life, didn't need a man, his happiness was definitely not dependent on someone else. Especially not a man. Definitely not one specific man. Absolutely not Ryan. Definitely not him, above all the other men he'd known. Graham was spinning out of control with these unhelpful thoughts.

Get a grip!He swallowed, debated getting another drink. He'd had one premium gin and slimline tonic, just ice and a slice of lime remained in the glass. Might as well get another, it would be something to do with his hands. Leaving his jacket on the chair, he went to the bar, ordered another drink, knowing he was surely destined to finish it alone, then go home. Alone.

‘All right?' The voice was behind him. Deep, quiet, confident, meaningful.

Ryan.

A smile spread across Graham's face as he turned. Ryan was early. Not only was he there, but he was there early. ‘I didn't think—' Graham said, but was stopped.

Stopped by Ryan's kiss, pressing against his own lips, Ryan pushed his bulky body against Graham's, his fingers were in Graham's waistband, pulling them closer, chests touching, hips grinding, groins rubbing. It was a hungry, open-mouthed, needful kiss.

It seemed to take Graham's breath away, as the worries from before dissolved, instantly forgotten.

Ryan pulled back, his eyes wide and a big grin on his face. ‘Didn't think what?'

Graham shook his head, looked away, tried to compose himself. ‘You're here. I've…' Not missed you, that sounded a bit desperate. Glad you're here…what should he say that showed he was pleased to see Ryan but didn't seem too teenaged-crush-like?

‘I've missed you,' Ryan said, pulling Graham in for a hug, big strong arms encircled Graham's waist, as he pulled him closer.

Could have fooled me,was on the tip of Graham's tongue, but he decided not to voice it. Wanted to lean into the now instead. ‘How was Sam and the test drive?'

Ryan ordered the same drink as Graham, putting his arm around Graham's shoulder. ‘Where are you sitting?'

Graham nodded to the chair in the corner.

With their drinks, they sat at Graham's table.

Ryan talked about his day with Sam and he came alive with enthusiasm. He described the car, electric and very expensive, and how they'd both driven it. Sam, pretending he wanted to buy it, when he couldn't have afforded it. Ryan added, ‘Dad's got one. So, I know what it's like. Not to drive though.'

‘Did you learn lots of stuff you can apply to your work?'

Ryan nodded. ‘More questions to ask. We hung around in the showroom afterwards, listening to what customers were talking about. It was like a focus group, on the down low.' Ryan laughed, clearly more relaxed now they'd had a few rounds of drinks.

‘What?' Graham asked, enjoying himself, relaxing into the evening, the worries of earlier in the week were long gone.

‘The salesman asked if we had children, and did we want to try the SUV version.' Ryan laughed again.

‘SUV?' Graham asked, feeling slightly out of his depth subject-wise, him not knowing much about cars at all, but knowing this was important to Ryan. Enjoying seeing the enthusiasm on Ryan's face. Hearing how he and Sam spent their time together.

‘Sports utility vehicle. One of the big ones that's high up.'

‘Like a four by four?'

‘Kinda.' Ryan showed him a picture on his phone.

‘They thought you two had children? Together?' Graham asked.

‘I know, funny, right?' Ryan laughed; a little bit too hard actually. ‘I told him we weren't. It's because we gave the same address. He assumed…'

Seemed fair enough. ‘And you put him straight?'

Ryan became very serious. Nodded. ‘I explained we were friends. Sam said his girlfriend wasn't interested in the car thing, so he'd come with me.'

Girlfriend, this was news to Graham. Then he remembered that a girlfriend may constitute anything from a very relaxed brief acquaintance, to someone he'd been dating for some time, for his brother. ‘You told him you were gay, though, right?'

Ryan shook his head, sipped the last of his drink through a straw. ‘Another one, or are we going?' He stood, looking about the bar.

Graham frowned. Not only had Ryan not told Sam he was seeing Graham, he'd not even told Sam that he was gay, or bi. ‘You've not told Sam, have you?'

‘Nothing to tell.'

‘Not about me.' Graham didn't want to say, ‘us' since it was too early for an ‘us' so he stuck to Ryan himself. ‘About you.'

‘What about me?'

‘Are you going to tell anyone?'

‘Don't see what it has to do with them.' Ryan nodded towards the door. ‘Shall we do one? How far's this club?'

Graham finished his drink, followed Ryan outside. He couldn't believe this. What was Ryan afraid of? In the club, in Kings Cross, in a converted warehouse around the back of the station, Graham was trying to work out how to ask Ryan the same question, but in a cleverly different way, in the hope he'd actually answer. He handed their jackets into the cloakroom, while Ryan was buying drinks.

They met by the bar. ‘He won't give a shit, you know,' Graham said.

‘Who?' Ryan asked.

‘Sam. He loves you whatever.'

‘I know.' Ryan looked straight ahead, trying to catch the barman's attention.

‘He's never cared about me being gay. Didn't even discuss it. I was out at sixteen and he was six.'

‘I see. Yeah, he mentioned it.' Ryan nodded.

‘He's never known me to be not out. Can't remember it.'

Ryan nodded.

They held their drinks, then were soon dancing on the edge of one of the dancefloors. Ryan seemed distracted, looking from side to side, sipping his drink nervously. He left for the toilets.

Graham continued dancing, unable to shift an unanswered question from his mind. It was irritating him like a shop display with a poorly folded T-shirt on a table surrounded by others that were perfectly arranged.

Ryan returned, still looking from side to side. He checked the time. ‘When does this place shut?'

‘Five am. Why? Have you had enough?'

‘Five seems late though, right?' He put his arms around Graham, kissed his cheek. Into his ear, Ryan whispered, ‘I've had enough of other people. Do you want to continue the party at your place? Just us two.'

It was a cheesy line, but it made Graham smile. It worked, because he nodded. ‘Coats?'

"Roar" by Katy Perry began to play. The dancefloor filled.

Ryan nodded. ‘It's your song!'

Gaham had reclaimed it, from being a sad breakup story, to being a strong, moving on up and shipping on out anthem. ‘It's a joyful romp of a pop song, and I. Love. It,' he said.

Ryan nodded. ‘Whatever you say!'

They danced, singing along together. Graham hadn't felt this happy in ages. Years possibly. Dancing with Ryan, enjoying themselves, and everything seemed almost perfect. He brushed away the slight niggling thought that kept returning.

They finished their drinks, collected coats, and were soon in a taxi, on their way to Graham's place.

Ryan was very clear what he wanted, once they were in the taxi, kissing Graham, squeezing the lump in his jeans, licking his ear, kissing his neck, whispering how horny he was, and couldn't wait to get home.

Not wanting to ruin the vibe, and undeniably Graham felt the same, he went along with it. At his place, they left the taxi, the lift taking them up not quickly enough for Ryan, who put his hands down Graham's trousers, desperately grabbing and holding and squeezing him.

‘There's CCTV,' Graham stepped backwards. ‘I live here. I've got to look the security guy in the eye when I see him on Monday.'

Ryan's eyes went from desire to pleading and he held his hands up in surrender, stepping back and leaning against the lift's far wall.

Once in Graham's place, Ryan asked for music, and they danced, undressing each other, Graham paused to lower the blinds. Obviously too keen to wait until they went to the bedroom, Ryan sat on the sofa, with Graham straddling him, facing each other, as Ryan pulled on their stiff cocks, slicking them with his spit, making eye contact with Graham, until, too soon, at the same time, they came, white spurts erupting up their chests.

Ryan fell backwards, catching his breath and Graham climbed off, lying on his back, wiping them with his underpants from the floor.

Now that Ryan was de-spunked, Graham hoped he'd be able to get more of a coherent conversation out of him. He stood. ‘Water, coffee, beer? Or bed?'

Ryan yawned, lay down on his back on the sofa, looking every bit as magnificent as the first time Graham had seen him naked.

Graham brought water back from the kitchen, took Ryan's hand, and led him to the bedroom.

Before Graham could formulate what to ask, Ryan was sleeping next to him.

Part of Graham didn't want to pick at this worry. Thought he ought not pull at that loose thread that was niggling him. They'd had a great evening, and tomorrow morning too would be wonderful. But the barrier Ryan seemed to put around Sam, and by extension, his own heart, about who he was, bothered Graham. He thought they lived in a time when people could be themselves, live their lives how they wanted, without worry. Didn't they?

The next morning, Graham awoke and Ryan wasn't next to him. He hoped Ryan hadn't left. ‘Hello!'

No answer.

Graham slipped on his dressing gown, walked to the lounge, dining room, kitchen.

Ryan wore only his bright yellow designer underpants and was resting his elbows on the worksurface, fiddling with the toaster. He turned, looking every bit as handsome as a professional underwear model. ‘I wanted to make toast. But this toaster is actually more complicated than the car I drove yesterday.' He smiled.

Graham's heart melted and he approached. Was he really going to spoil all of this to ask Ryan why he hadn't come out to Sam, or anyone else? Graham held Ryan's hands then kissed him. ‘Morning.'

‘You look like you're about to say something,' Ryan said, staring at him and stepping away from the toaster.

Graham shook his head. ‘Nothing.' He sorted out the toast, then made them coffee in the machine. Why should he ruin what was shaping up to being a perfect morning by asking that?

He shouldn't. So, he didn't.

After a lazy breakfast, they showered, which of course, led to more sex, all the sex Graham could ever want: Graham stood with his hands pressed on the wall, Ryan behind him, joined, as one, kissing his back, reaching around with one hand, grabbing, stroking, while he powerfully thrust deep inside Graham, fast, then slow, nearly separating their bodies, then returning, deeper, teasing with his tip, then more, until he was all the way in, while Ryan was kissing his neck, Graham turning, so their lips met, and they climbed, higher and higher, faster and faster, until together they reached the peak.

Afterwards, they dozed in bed, clean and dry, Ryan on his back, with Graham curled up, resting his head on Ryan's chest, stroking the hair on his stomach. Soft contentment and satisfaction flooding Graham's body, wondering what he'd done to deserve this, wishing they could remain like this, forever. Contained in their own world, of only Ryan and Graham in his apartment, where nothing outside existed or mattered.

Pure bliss…