16. Colt - Always an Angel

Around 9pm, I finally woke up. I pulled on a t-shirt then immediately walked over to Lucy’s room. After quietly creaking her door open, I breathed a sigh of relief. She was clean, tucked in bed, and peacefully sleeping, and I had Mer to thank. It was slightly embarrassing that I asked her for help, but I was just trying to survive at the time.

Walking down the stairs, I was grateful that I finally felt like I had my legs back under me.

In the living room, JP and Kappy were both fast asleep on the couches. Mer was awake and snuggled up in the corner of my couch with one of my blankets, her brown hair in a messy bun. She was watching a movie, but her eyes were threatening to close and her head kept falling. Something about seeing her so comfortable and at peace in my space filled my chest with pride.

On my last step, the stairs creaked under my weight, and she snapped her neck to look at me.

“Oh, you’re up.” She rubbed her sleepy eyes and gave me a kind smile. “Feeling any better?”

“Yeah,” I scrubbed a hand through my messy hair, trying to shake the déjà-vu. “Thank you,” I said with a sheepish grin. “Just grabbing some water.”

I went to the kitchen and felt her trailing in after me. “Hot chocolate?” I offered.

“You know I’d never say no to that,” she said with a light laugh.

I grinned. “Glad that hasn't changed.” I pulled an island stool out for her and thanked the Lord that I still kept my pantry stocked with the kind that she liked.

Back when we were about seventeen, I made hot chocolate for her at my mom’s house, not realizing it was some fancy raspberry dark chocolate blend that my mom bought and hated. Mer loved it so much that I made a note to always have it on hand for her.

Even after we broke up, I couldn’t make myself get rid of the hot chocolate; it’d just get pushed to the back of every pantry I ever used– just in case. About a year ago, Lucy found the package and begged me to make some for her– probably just because it had pink packaging. At the time, it kind of felt like a sick joke– but as I stirred the mix and the smell wafted in the air, the good memories hit me like a ton of bricks. The way her eyes would light up with excitement when she saw I bought it for her, the way she’d do a cute little dance with her eyes closed after her first sip, the way she’d carefully place the mug down so she could lay on top of me for cuddles.

Instead of pushing the memories away, I lived in them for a moment and felt immense gratitude. Because of her, I experienced young love, the kind that wraps you up and consumes you, makes you feel like you’re living in technicolor as you experience all your firsts together. I had to be grateful, because I knew with confidence that many people, my parents included, never experienced that kind of innocent love.

While pulling down a mug from the cabinet, I snuck a glance at her.

The old me would be so distracted by her presence that I’d forget everything else. I’d grab her hips and her legs would wrap around my waist, and we’d make out right here in the kitchen. My hands would smooth up her hoodie to feel her warm skin and I imagined it’d feel so right .

My eyes snagged on the hoodie she was wearing, making me do a double-take, and my brain practically malfunctioned. Because her wearing that was all sorts of wrong .

“You have to take that off,” I blurted out.

She looked down at the hoodie in confusion.

“You cannot be wearing Kappy’s hoodie right now,” I said. “Thought this was a fucking dream, not a nightmare,” I muttered under my breath.

Her face was lined with worry. “Oh, you think he’ll be mad? I’m sorry, Lucy got a little throw up on my coaching jacket, and I was cold. I snagged it from the couch, and I–”

“No, I’m mad,” I blurted out, raking a hand over my hair.

“Oh?” Then it seemed to dawn on her what I meant. She pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. “You can’t be serious?”

I gave her a hard look that said you bet I am , which just made her giggle more, then I stormed into the laundry room to fish out a clean hoodie of mine.

“I’m going to be sick again if you don’t take that off,” I told her.

“Okay, okay,” she said, struggling to contain her grin.

I had to pry my eyes away from her swapping out the hoodies to make the hot chocolate. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught her sniffing the hoodie.

She cocked her head to the side. “What detergent do you use?”

“Huh?”

“Detergent? Which one?” she asked, still studying my hoodie.

“I think it's just Tide Sport.”

Her brow furrowed. “Huh… I thought I tried that one,” she muttered.

When I looked back at her, she blushed deeply, like she just let out a secret.

I busied myself finding marshmallows in the pantry to hide my grin because I didn’t want to scare her away, but I was secretly fucking elated. I wanted to tell her that it was okay, that I still pathetically noticed whenever a girl wore Juicy perfume because it reminded me of her, but I stayed silent.

When I handed her the steaming hot chocolate and bag of marshmallows, she held the mug close. “Thank you,” she murmured.

“No, thank you. For coming here and saving us. I know it wasn’t right, asking for help like that.” Looking at her stirring her drink at the island, it didn’t feel real. “It feels like I'm hallucinating right now.” I bit back an incredulous chuckle.

Her eyes flicked up to mine, an amused grin on her face. “You’d hallucinate me?”

“Yeah, you’re my angel,” I heard myself mumble, then inwardly cringed.

She stilled. “You can’t say that, Colt.”

“Sorry, I know… slipped.” I pulled out the chair opposite her and mixed up a liquid IV. I needed to rehydrate if I was even going to think about playing in the game tomorrow.

Her shoulders slumped. “I don’t know how to do this… between us,” she admitted.

“I don’t know either, but I’m happy you’re here,” I said candidly.

I was shocked when her eyes filled up with tears and she blinked rapidly to cover them.

“No, b–” I cut myself off before calling her babe . It just felt so natural to say. “What’s wrong? What’d I say?”

She sniffled and looked away, that cute upside-down smile back on her face despite her red-rimmed eyes. She just looked so small and vulnerable that I couldn’t help it. I pushed my chair back and felt myself rounding the island, going directly to her like she had a magnetic pull over me. I wrapped my arms around her for a hug. My hand automatically went up to cradle the back of her head, and it felt like a time warp back to the old us.

“You okay?” I asked.

She nodded against me. “I missed you,” she said in a strangled voice. “Am I allowed to say that?”

“Yeah, it’s allowed.” I swallowed the burning lump in my throat. “I missed you too.”

“The nostalgia kind of hurts, ya know? I-I can’t fathom that we lost it all.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks. Her tough resolve crumbled and now all of her emotions were tumbling out. “It’s like…” Her chin quivered. “You’re right here in front of me, but I can’t take it that I'll never be with you again.”

“Hey, look at me.” Her teary ocean eyes went to mine. “Nostalgia is good. It means you have good memories. I’ll take bittersweet nostalgia over numbness any day.”

Her face slightly broke again. She took a deep breath and smoothed a hand over her face, like she was trying to accept it.

“Mer.”

She looked at me again with so much sadness on her face.

My heart was beating so loud I could hear my pulse thrumming in my ears. Because there was no going back after I dropped this truth. “Who says you’ll never be with me again? Do I get a choice? Because I'd do it all over again with you.”

Her eyes darted over my face, like she was searching for the lie. “You… You would?”

“I would.”

Her eyes darted to my lips. There were just inches between us and the air practically crackled with hot tension. I was about to close the gap. I was about to claim her mouth with mine. My hand curled around the base of her jaw, and–

“Daaaad!”

Mer jolted back.

I grimaced and my eyes darted to the stairs. “Sorry.”

“No.” A strangled laugh escaped her. “It’s okay. I hope you don’t mind that I showed her skating videos of Ali and Piper.” Her body went tense again, making her look unsure and off-balanced. I wanted to fix that, but Lucy needed me first.

“Wait here for me?”

She nodded and went back to her hot chocolate.

On my way out of the kitchen, I picked up Kappy's hoodie from the floor and threw it in the trash, loving the sound of Mer’s light laughter behind me.