17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Nikolai

I’m used to waking up in the infirmary. I’ve fallen asleep studying at my desk many times. This is the first time waking up in a patient bed, though.

I groan as I try to shift position, my entire body tender. There’s a dull throbbing in my head, but I don’t really feel any pain. Someone probably drugged me up to my eyeballs. But why? What happened?

The last thing I remember is Z’Ree. Her lips, so soft against mine. Damn, did I really kiss her? What kind of despicable creep I am? She’s a vulnerable, traumatized female and there I was, taking advantage of her. I’m trying to convince myself how disgusting of a human being I am but the memory of that kiss brings me so much pleasure that all of the guilt simply vanishes.

It felt so right, like this is what I was born to do. Like my sole purpose in life is to hold Z’Ree and kiss her. Not a terrible calling, if you ask me. Then again, all I did was exploit her fears and need for protection.

She kissed me back but that means nothing. For years, she’s been conditioned to be an obedient plaything and cater to her master’s every need. Of course she kissed me back. She’d probably let me go much further than that, even pretend to enjoy it. Which is why it can’t ever happen again.

Everything in me rebels against that decision but I know it’s the right one. A mean voice inside my head laughs at me, clearly convinced that my decision won’t last long, but I ignore it. I’m an intelligent man. I know it’s right to stay away from Z’Ree, to give her space and time to heal. The last thing I want is to hurt her.

Speaking of Z’Ree…what the hell happened? We kissed and then everything went…flying? It might be the head injury throbbing under the bandage on my forehead, but I remember being thrown around like a toy. I must have hit my head and lost consciousness. But what about Z’Ree? Was she hurt too?

I open my eyes a tiny bit, worried that the sharp light will pierce a hole into my brain, but someone has thoughtfully dimmed the lights. I don’t know who it was, but I owe them a huge thank you because I can look around without feeling like my head is about to burst open.

Like I guessed, I’m in the small patient recovery room in the back of the infirmary, hooked to a monitor. It’s ironic. A few days back, I talked Faelin into playing patient for me so that I could try this machine out. Now, I’m hooked up to it myself.

I pull at the sensors, tearing them away from my skin. I don’t need my vitals monitored. What I need is to make sure Z’Ree is alright.

The machine makes an angry beep, clearly thinking I just died. I half expect an angry crew member to storm into the room and scold me for scaring them, but a small hand squeezes my shoulder instead.

I whip my head to the side, momentarily distracted by the wave of nausea from such an abrupt movement, then look up at whoever’s touching me. There, by the headboard, sits the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. A mirage. An angel. Familiar purple eyes find mine and her face is made even more beautiful by the demure smile she aims at me.

My Z’Ree. More beautiful than ever.

“Wow,” I rasp, my throat drier than the Sahara desert.

Z’Ree passes me a bottle of water and helps me tip it to my mouth, my skin tingling wherever she touches me. I sip a few times to quench the worst of my thirst, then immediately ask, “Are you alright? Did you get hurt?”

“I’m fine,” she whispers, word by word, as if each one is a battle.

I watch in awe, feeling absurdly proud of her. “You’re talking. That’s amazing.”

“Trying,” she says, her smile turning bashful.

“You’re doing great. How long was I unconscious? And what happened? I remember, um…” Blush creeps onto my cheeks. I remember the kiss, but I probably shouldn’t remind Z’Ree of that. “We were in the hammock and then… Not much. Did the ship malfunction?”

With a sigh, she reaches for a datapad and begins typing. I feel like an idiot for spewing so many questions at her at once. She’s fighting to overcome her mental block and relearning to speak. Of course she won’t be able to give me the rundown of what happened on the spot. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blurt it all out at once. I’m just worried. Is everyone alright?”

Z’Ree nods, finishing her message before showing me the screen. I switch it to Cyrillic, my eyes quickly going over the text. Aside from Lyriana’s broken arm, which D’Aakh has already taken care of, nobody’s hurt. However, the relief from the crew being safe is drowned in the fear of the ship’s deteriorating state. Even worse is the knowledge that everyone is doing something while I lie here like I’m on vacation.

I try to sit up but Z’Ree gently presses against my shoulder again. “Rest,” she commands, even going so far as to narrow her eyes at me.

“I’d love to but how can I just lie here while everyone else is working to rescue us?”

She frowns and taps on the bandage on my forehead. I stop myself from wincing in pain, but just barely. “You’re hurt.”

“I don’t really feel that bad. I could—” I don’t get to finish my sentence. Z’Ree rolls her eyes and suddenly, the headache I felt looming in the back of my head attacks me at full force. “Ow, fuck,” I mutter, letting my head fall back on the pillow.

“Hurt,” Z’Ree repeats. She lowers her head, concentrating, and a few seconds later, the pain diminishes again.

Not wanting to look weak in front of her, I hold in the relieved sigh. “So, I’m not drugged. You’re using your powers to ease my pain.” That’s definitely a handy trick.

She eyes me with apprehension. “You…don’t want?” she whispers, withdrawing from me a little.

She’s afraid I’ll be angry with her for using her powers? It makes sense. Most likely, her masters only permitted her to use them when commanded. “Oh no, I do want it,” I say, making sure to keep my tone lighthearted. “It’s amazing. I just don’t like the idea of taking advantage of you, especially if it makes you tired or unwell. I bet you had to do this for your master all of the time before escaping.”

To my surprise, Z’Ree shakes her head. “Different frequency,” she says and grabs the datapad. Instead of typing a message, she brings up a database entry on Silithrae and highlights a few paragraphs.

My eyes widen in disbelief as I read. “You can…drug people? Make them feel high? That’s what makes you so valuable?” I snort. “Talk about advanced civilizations. It’s like on Earth, most people are chasing after drugs and sex.”

I wince, realizing what I’ve just implied. Z’Ree was probably assaulted in that way as well, and I’m stupidly reminding her of it. Just like I stupidly threw myself at her back in the storage room. “I’m sorry,” I apologize hastily. “I didn’t mean to—”

“No,” she interrupts me. “Never…that.” She swallows roughly, drinking some of the water as if speaking out loud physically hurts her throat. Perhaps it does.

As I watch her throat like the pervert I am, I notice she’s no longer wearing the collar. Someone removed it for her while I was unconscious and I feel a sudden surge of irrational jealousy. Did D’Aakh touch her? She’s mine! Well, not mine, but… Chert voz’mi! (Dammit!) I want her to be mine.

Brushing the disturbing thoughts aside, I study her, taking in her new appearance with more than a little awe.

Z’Ree must have showered off the dirt she was using to disguise her skin, which now sparkles as her crystals reflect the low light, making her look like an iridescent mirage. I remember how soft her skin had felt, despite the countless gems growing from it.

Her hair is a sight to behold. The individual strands, slightly thicker than human hair, glimmer as if they’re made of rows of tiny diamonds somehow glued together in a strand that still moves and flows like human hair. By their crystalline appearance they should probably be brittle and sharp, yet they still look soft and flexible.

I ache to run my fingers through Z’Ree’s rich mane. To caress her. To watch her eyes glaze over with pleasure from my touch.

Everything about Z’Ree is beautiful and I don’t just mean on the outside. She’s carrying herself a little differently to before. Still scared, but no longer paralyzed by fear. She’s been making an effort to speak, though I can see it’s difficult for her. Plus she’s looking at me like…like I’m looking at her. Watching my lips, following the curve of my throat every time I swallow. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she’s…what? Into me? I brush that ridiculous thought away. She’s probably just worried I’ll die and leave her at the mercy of strangers. Yes, that’s all this is.

“You’re beautiful,” I hear my stupid mouth say, the little devil in the back of my head laughing at me. “I mean…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uneasy. You do look amazing, but in a good way. Not in a creepy way. Not that you look creepy! I mean...I wasn’t saying this to be creepy. Bozhe moy! (My god!)” I smack myself, wincing at the pain flaring from my forehead. “I’ll shut up now.”

Z’Ree giggles, the gleeful sound warming my soul and awakening my stupid cock. “Thank you,” she says, graciously ignoring my blabbering. “You’re beautiful too.”

I smile at her, keeping my mouth shut as I don’t trust myself to not spray her with more verbal diarrhea should I open it.

Z’Ree sucks nervously on her lower lip before biting down on it, shifting in her seat and actively avoiding my look. I should be wondering why she is suddenly so nervous but all I can think about is that lip that she’s sucking on and how much I want her to suck on my lip. Or another part of my body. One that is inconveniently erect right now, tenting the flimsy blanket draped over me. There’s no hiding it. I can only hope Z’Ree doesn’t look in that di—

Oh no. She looked. She doesn’t look startled or disgusted, though. She swallows, her teeth digging into her poor lip so hard I’m worried she’ll draw blood.

I clear my throat. “Er…Sorry about that. It happens, when…when I wake up. It’s not…it’s nothing,” I mumble, praying she won’t see what a creep I am.

“It’s not nothing,” she whispers, giving me a look so sultry it has me sucking in a sharp breath. “Nikolai.”

I try to hold the groan back but fail miserably. How many times have I dreamed of Z’Ree saying my name? And now she finally has, in her unique, exotic accent, and I want more. I want her to say it again. I want her to moan it.

She stands up and before I realize what I’m doing, I’m reaching for her hand. I know I’m a despicable monster but I don’t want her to leave. She doesn’t try to leave, though, merely presses a button on the still beeping machine to silence it, then smiles at me, all the while keeping her hand in mine.

She points to the side of my bed. “May I?”

I nod, incapable of speech. She sits down, inches away from my painfully erect cock which twitches as if it is trying to detach itself from my body and crawl over to Z’Ree instead. I sympathize with the poor appendage, because I feel the same. Everything in me aches for Z’Ree. The low thrumming I felt when we kissed earlier is now drumming in my ears, compelling me to simply take her. To ravage her. Which is something I know I cannot do.

“We shouldn’t…we shouldn’t be doing this.” Whatever “this” is. “I’m…you are traumatized. Scared. You’re just doing this because you’re scared and want to…ingratiate yourself with me.”

“Am I?” She pulls her hand out of mine and crosses her arms in front of her chest. “You know…you…argh.” With a frustrated grunt, she gives up her efforts to speak and reaches for the datapad instead.

Worried, I watch her furiously tap away, a pit of dread forming in my stomach. I’ve made her angry and I can’t think of anything to say that would fix it.

When she’s done, she tosses the device at my chest and hops off the bed, moving to the other side of the room. She stands there, watching me as I read her message.

“I’m so glad to have you around to tell me what I’m thinking.” There are some alien emoticons added and I don’t need to study their expressions to know she’s being sarcastic. “So, now you’re my new master, who's going to tell me what to think? What to do? I’ve been there and I’m not going back.”

Her glare pierces me as I raise my eyes from the screen. “That’s not what I meant,” I whisper, but she just continues glaring at me. Unable to withstand another second of her anger, I look back down at the datapad and continue reading.

“I’ve been told I’m free now, so I’m making use of that freedom. I want to be with you.” My heart stutters. “Do you want me? If not, I understand. After all, I really am traumatized, like you said. I’m so far from normal I don’t even know what my normal is anymore. I understand you if you don’t want to burden yourself with me but don’t tell me what to feel and think. I might be a little damaged, but I’m not completely fucking broken.”

I blink, taken aback by her strong words. My brain, still stuck on the “I want to be with you” part, scrambles to decipher the rest of the message.

“This is not what I meant at all,” I repeat, picking my words carefully. “I just… You’ve been surrounded by terrible people. I was the first person to treat you nicely, right? So, maybe—and this is a completely natural reaction—you’re fixating on me, thinking that you need to bind yourself to me before you lose the chance and go back to being surrounded by monsters. I’m not telling you what to think or feel. I just don’t want to take advantage of your vulnerability.”

Z’Ree contemplates my words. She’s still scowling at me, but she’s not throwing things at me or running away. I take it as a good sign. I just need to give her some space to think.