Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

A fter the charity ball, it unexpectedly snowed for three days, which meant most of Hamstead was now painted in the most picturesque light. The first snow of the season had left all the trees mostly bare, the creeks now with frosted edges, and the chimneys around the village trailing puffs of smoke from the hearths. Piles of white lined the lanes, snow collecting across every house and property without discrimination.

Robert had always loved the snow as a child, but it still made his leg stiff and pained from the cold. And in his days since becoming a doctor, that pain had only been compounded by the numbers of deaths that increased in the winter. Still, he tried to allow his children the same enjoyments he’d had in his youth, taking them out sledding or ice skating whenever the weather would permit.

After church services the following Sunday, they were joined by the Nichols family. While Mrs. Rosemont and the elder Mrs. Nichols remained indoors to prepare a hearty meal for their return, the children and grandchildren had all gone outside with the endeavor to build snowmen and make snow angels. Robert took note that Martha and Tim enjoyed themselves immensely, playing with Miss Alice’s younger siblings, but any time Robert drew near to the other adults in the group, he noticed that they repeatedly distanced themselves, as if trying to give him a moment with Miss Alice alone.

They were not blatantly obvious about it, nor were they cross or cruel, but it left Robert feeling somewhat troubled. He should have been elated, that this kind family had deemed him worthy to spend time with the eligible young woman of their family. And Miss Alice was entirely lovely, in presence and in person. But he felt no attachment, no fascination for her. Robert had no doubt she would make a wonderful wife and mother someday, but he didn’t know if he could make her part of his family. If for no other reason than his heart simply wasn’t in it, and she deserved more than that.

When it happened for a third time, that he was left alone in the endeavor of making a snowman with Miss Alice, he found an amused smile on her lips.

“I believe there is an effort to put the two of us alone together,” Robert said, hoping to make the obvious less awkward by bringing it to light.

Miss Alice nodded with a small smile. “Yes, it seems like they might hope we make a match of it.”

Robert’s heart struggled, not sure how to find the words. He needed to clear the air, for he knew he wouldn’t be able to offer for her. Lovely as Miss Alice was, he did not care for her as so many had hoped. But after his discussion with Caroline at the ball, Robert was certain that, even if nothing ever happened and she returned to London after Christmas, he could not endure a loveless marriage again.

But would Miss Alice be as pained and disappointed by his refusal as he had been all those years ago? Had he waited too long to voice his own thoughts?

“Miss Alice, I feel I must tell you—”

“Oh, please, don’t,” she said, interrupting him, making Robert look up at her. “I understand completely.”

He blinked. “Understand what?”

Miss Alice smiled and let out a breath that turned into a puff of smoke before her face. “That there is something between you and Mrs. Marley.”

Robert’s chest tightened. Had he been so unable to guard his own emotions? He chuckled mirthlessly. “How is it that you can understand when I still do not?”

“I only comment on what I saw at church last week,” she said, crouching down to round over a spot on her snowman. “We all heard her conversation with the duke in the courtyard, and you appeared to be rather crestfallen. And then the dance at Mrs. Fezziwig’s ball… well, the passion between you was nearly palpable.”

Yes, he had felt nearly outside his mind on those occasions. But passion? He had considered all his emotions and frustrations completely one-sided. Even when Caroline petitioned him for a kiss, he tried to convince himself it was spurred by her own selfishness, that nothing would change the outcome of her leaving.

“Whatever difficulties there are, I wish you the best in solving them. But you needn’t worry about my interference,” she said, her voice smaller now.

Robert swallowed hard. “Miss Alice, if there are any disappointed hopes or expectations…” but his voice trailed off as she laughed.

“The only disappointed hopes will be my grandmother’s, but I assure you, please do not worry yourself on my account,” Miss Alice said. “She brought me here to make your acquaintance and I have no objection to her opinion of you, but she is loath to accept that my heart has long been occupied elsewhere.”

An immediate relief relaxed his shoulders, in spite of the cold around him. “Is that so? Then he is a lucky man, indeed.”

“Thank you for saying so.” Her face glowed at the admission, and Robert envied whatever love she possessed, for it seemed to make her happy, where his made him miserable. “He is a blacksmith, and a childhood friend of mine, but he does not seem to think himself my equal. My father and grandmother wished me to marry a gentleman,” she explained, gesturing to him, “But I fear, after seeing you and Mrs. Marley together, I cannot deny my heart any longer. And I hope you don’t either.”

Robert bit his lip, nodding. It was not just a denial of his heart. There was so much more at play, so much outside of his control. Much of which depended on Caroline and her feelings. If he spoke plainly with her, could he divine the truth of it, once and for all?

“Thank you, Miss Alice. I wish you the best of luck,” he found himself saying.

“And you as well. May whatever keeps you apart be resolved for good.”

Once the children had made all the snowmen and snow angels to their hearts’ content, they eventually grew tired of the cold. So Robert saw his family back home, and ensured they were warmed and fed by the fire. But he still had more work to do. The first snow of the year meant there could be an increase of the sick in the village, and Robert needed to check on those who would most be in danger.

His first stop was to the rectory, where there was so much love and warmth in their home, Robert was slow to leave. But Lily and her baby seemed to be getting along just fine, much to his relief. Fred was not there, being off on his own Sabbath responsibilities, and it was just as well, for Robert did not have the heart to be questioned again about Caroline. The conflict in his head and in his heart was too much to consider at times.

Then he made his way to the Dilbers. The father’s injured leg had finally healed over, but his sickness had lingered for such a long time, which meant it would likely be more difficult to cure. They might continue making repairs on their drafty home, but the truth of the matter was, they needed better living arrangements, or the illness would continue, especially over the winter season. Robert wanted to try and prevent as many deaths as possible, so he would have to think hard on a better solution for them.

But when he rounded the corner of the snowy lane, the sight of Caroline’s carriage in front of the Dilber home immediately halted his steps. His heart thudded inside his chest, and he took a deep breath, the cold air chilling his lungs. Could he not escape her in any part of Hamstead?

The door to the cottage opened, and Caroline appeared, closing the door behind her. Robert watched, frozen to the spot, as she walked back to her carriage, a gloomy expression on her face. Before she stepped up into the carriage, she looked around and spotted him. Robert did not miss the way her brows softened and her eyes brightened, which did terrible things to the already erratic beating of his heart.

“Robert!” she called softly, which urged his footsteps onward.

He clenched his jaw as he neared, wanting to keep a safe distance. “What are you doing here, Caroline?”

“I merely wanted to check on the Dilbers after all this snow. I was worried about them.” She shrugged. “I brought them some baskets and had offered my assistance to help make repairs around the cottage, which Mrs. Dilber accepted, but I could tell that it cost her. She did not want my pity, nor did I wish to make her feel pitiful. I just wish there was some way to help better their situation.”

Robert watched her carefully. She was not speaking as the woman who had first returned to Hamstead, for such talk of charity and pity surely would have been scoffed at before. But now, he could not see a whisper of her previous disdain, and her concerns seemed genuine.

“They have their pride, I suppose,” he offered.

“But pride must go before the fall, isn’t that so?” Caroline’s eyes cast to the ground. “I have learned that above all as of late.”

Her admission caught him by surprise, but before he could respond, she lifted her eyes again. “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to assist them, or to help Mr. Dilber’s health improve. I should like to provide any support, if I can.”

Robert swallowed. “I will. Thank you, Caroline.”

She nodded and turned to leave, so Robert also moved toward the house. But her voice called him back. “Robert?”

He paused, steeling himself for whatever she might have to say. When he turned to face her, she bore a look of penitence, wringing her hands in front of her, which softened him further. He wished he could reach out and take her in his arms and calm all her fears, but he gritted his teeth instead.

“I have been thinking a great deal about what you said, that night at Mrs. Fezziwig’s ball.” Her cheeks flushed a lovely shade of pink, which he was certain had nothing to do with the chill in the air. “I am trying to figure out the sort of woman I want to be, the sort of woman who is worthy of your trust. And as I consider those things, I discover what I must change.” She took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. “What I would like to know is, if I invited you and your family to my Christmas dinner, would you come?”

Robert’s heart ached, for he wished to applaud her efforts, her desire for change. He wanted to say yes and accept her offer. But in the end, he shook his head, and quietly said, “No.”

He knew he would find disappointment on her face if he looked up, so he kept his eyes on the ground. “I do not think it would be wise. If your current guest list includes people from the village like the Duke of Rothes, then I know my family would not be welcome. While I appreciate the invitation, I cannot subject my family to being censured by the company you keep.”

With his jaw tight, he waited for any response, any answer. Finally in a small voice, she said, “I understand. Good day, Robert.” Then she boarded the carriage and pulled away.