Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

C aroline stayed busy helping Mrs. Fezziwig prepare for the charity ball, and she was grateful for it, as the tasks kept her mind occupied on other things rather than her own troubles and anxieties. Over the years, Caroline had attended countless balls and dinner parties, in Hamstead and London and everywhere in between, so she had plenty of experience in preparing such affairs. But for some reason, on that chilly December evening, Caroline was near to trembling with nerves. She stood in the entryway of the Fezziwig’s house, with Mr. and Mrs. Fezziwig by her side, receiving all their guests, and her shivers were from more than just the cold. The waiting and anticipation was nearly unbearable.

Everything was ready. The house was beautiful, decorated with ivy and holly and tall dripping candles. The musicians in the ballroom were softly playing inviting holiday hymns as they all came in. Each guest arrived and gushed with gratitude for being invited, and Caroline was happy to greet them. Mr. Dixon walked by with a wink and a smile, the Nichols family from church offered gratitude, and even a mother and her young son who walked with crutches on his broken leg expressed their thanks. He had asked Caroline to save him a dance, but his mother laughed and told him there would be no dancing tonight. There would be no dancing for Mr. Sims either, the blind man who smelled of wet dog, but even he clasped Caroline’s hands with joy and welcomed her back to the village. How could so many people thank her and welcome her when she hadn’t done hardly anything at all?

It made her second guess her own Christmas party plans. All this time, she had sought out the local gentry and nobility, thinking they would be the only ones to desire her company and value her presence. Many of elevated rank had arrived at Mrs. Fezziwig’s as well, promising a hefty donation for the charity. But perhaps Caroline had only truly wanted to be around people in general. Perhaps the reality was she had been so alone. Not only in London, but all her life. The crowds in London did nothing to fill the emptiness in her heart, but somehow, the people of this village, the people flooding in the Fezziwig’s front door, they were doing that very thing for her, and she could not stop smiling.

“I don’t suppose Fred’s family will be coming tonight?” Caroline asked Miss Fezziwig when there was a lull in the doorway.

“Perhaps not, dear. Not with their new baby.”

Caroline turned her gaze to the doorway to see that the guests of the hour had finally arrived. Her heart skipped over itself multiple beats in a row, a sign of her pure delight.

The Dilbers were here.

A beautiful mother surrounded by her children, two older boys and four charming younger girls. No longer were they dirty and unkempt as she had seen in the shack door. Their faces had been cleaned, their hair had been combed and pinned, and they bore the new clothing Caroline and Mrs. Fezziwig had purchased for them. It certainly wasn’t as fancy as what children would wear in London, for Caroline was certain they would not be comfortable in such garb. But this was simple finery, and appropriate for the family to feel confident and welcome. It had been intended as St. Nicholas Day gifts for the whole family, in hopes that they might feel suitable enough to come to church again, and to come to the Christmas ball. In spite of their reduced circumstances, they still deserved to enjoy the holiday season, and it was here they could celebrate it.

Mrs. Dilber, no doubt a tired woman who had been humbled, wrapped her arms around Mrs. Fezziwig with tears in her eyes. “I cannot thank you enough,” Mrs. Dilber said, tucking her face into the portly Mrs. Fezziwig’s shoulder. They did not release each other right away, and after a moment, Mrs. Dilber began to weep.

Caroline’s own eyes burned at the sight, and she swallowed with difficulty to see the woman so profoundly grateful. She had never witnessed such a transformation, and to see it so graciously received had created an unexpected swelling in her heart.

“Now, now, dear,” Mrs. Fezziwig said, patting her on the back and pulling away. She had tears in her own eyes as she gave Mrs. Dilber an unsteady smile. “Where is your husband?”

Mrs. Dilber frowned. “His injury did not allow him to come, but he longed to be here. To thank you for your thoughtfulness and kindness.”

“It was actually Mrs. Marley’s idea.”

Mrs. Dilber turned her weepy eyes to Caroline, who froze. She did not wish to be the center of attention here. If she’d had her way, she would have remained anonymous.

“But we don’t even know you,” Mrs. Dilber said with a quivering lip. She rushed forward and wrapped Caroline in a fierce hug as well. The burn in Caroline’s eyes turned to blurred vision, and she had to clench her jaw in order to stop the tears from falling altogether. She wasn’t accustomed to such ardent displays of affection, let alone in public, but she couldn’t help wrapping her arms around the woman in return, receiving the warmth of the embrace, and the sheer gratitude.

The love.

This is what Aunt Fanny had spoken of in her letter. Happiness was not found in having, but in giving, in loving. In seeing that love returned.

As Mrs. Dilber pulled away, Caroline discreetly wiped the tears from her cheeks and offered the woman a wavering smile of her own. No matter how uncomfortable the moment made her, Caroline also felt lighter, and she did not want to let that go, not just yet.

“You cannot know what you have done for me, for my family,” Mrs. Dilber’s voice trailed off into thick emotion, and Caroline’s lips pursed at the sound. “My husband’s injury lost him his occupation, and then we became ill, one after another. Without any income, it was hard to even take care of ourselves. We had friends who loved us, and the church fund helped provide for us, but we did not feel fit to be seen out in the village. We felt lost in the darkness for so long, but this gift ,” she breathed the word, motioning to her now well-dressed children, “you have restored a sense of light and hope in our lives.” Then she lifted a hand to Caroline’s face. “God bless you, Mrs. Marley.”

A rogue tear streaked down Caroline’s cheek, so she swallowed and nodded as she wiped it away, attempting to find her footing again. “I am so glad to have helped. And we are delighted that you and your family could come. Please, enjoy yourselves.”

Caroline gestured for them to enter the house, and wished the children would hurry along so she could take a stabilizing breath, but she barely had a moment before more guests entered.

“Ah, Mr. Cratchit, welcome, welcome. And good evening, children,” Mr. Fezziwig announced, and Caroline’s breath again caught tight in her throat as she whirled around.

Her eyes immediately met with Robert’s, his blue eyes entirely unreadable. Their recent interactions from the birth of Beth and the church courtyard with the duke left their current meeting shrouded in tension, and she desperately wanted to discuss it, but now certainly was not the time or place. Still, she couldn’t help wondering, had he witnessed her exchange with the Dilbers? Would it even make a difference?

“Good evening, children,” Caroline greeted them as they passed her by. Then her eyes fell on Robert, and she nodded in greeting. “Robert.”

She drank in his appearance, forgetting the moisture around her eyes and the thickness in her throat. The sight of Robert brought a familiar swell to her chest accompanied by a longing to find rest in his arms, for his lips to speak the forgiveness she long sought, and then for those lips to catch her up in a passion she had only barely allowed herself to dream of.

But instead, he simply nodded in her direction and greeted her with, “Caroline,” before escaping to the ballroom.

“I believe that is the last of them, my dear,” said Mr. Fezziwig, taking his wife gently by the arm. “Why don’t we go in and begin?”

“Oh, how delightful,” Mrs. Fezziwig squealed. “We shall begin with the musical number first, and then the first dance of the host.”

With Caroline still dazed from the last of the guests, they entered Mrs. Fezziwig’s ballroom. It was a loud collection of adults talking and children’s chatter alike, but Caroline did not seem to mind. Just as she was not averse to the girls playing her pianoforte for their practice, she found she relished being in a room full of people. It was a sign she would not be lonely, at least not with this group.

“If I may have your attention, please,” Mrs. Fezziwig called, and the room quieted. “I want to thank you all for coming to this Christmas charity ball. It is a wonderful time of year for giving and celebrating, and tonight we will do just that. There is a table in the corner with my solicitor, Mr. Jennings, and anyone wishing to make a donation may speak with him, though it is not required of course. At the end of the evening, there will be baskets filled with goods available. The less fortunate may take it home for themselves, or if there is no need in your own home, please take a basket and find a less fortunate soul to better their lives. I only want an opportunity to bless the lives of those who need it in our little village this time of year, so thank you to everyone for all you do and have done.”

The small crowd offered a modest applause as Mrs. Fezziwig moved to the musician’s circle at the head of the room. “Now, before we begin, I would like to invite two of our very own to play us a lovely Christmas duet. Miss Martha Cratchit and…”

Caroline froze in panic, realizing in the same moment that Kitty was not here. Martha could not play her part alone.

Martha timidly stepped forward and made her way to the pianoforte as the room applauded again, but her eyes were wide with uncertainty, searching the room for her friend.

Without thinking, Caroline found herself walking toward the pianoforte to join her.

Martha looked up at her, eyes full of distress. “Where is Kitty?”

“At home with her new baby sister, no doubt,” Caroline whispered. “I will play her part.”

“You will play the duet with me?” Martha asked quietly in return.

Caroline nodded, taking a seat next to her. “You have the music here, and I heard it countless times when you came to practice. Kitty said you were an excellent talent, so we will manage together. Do not fear.”

Taking a deep breath, Martha nodded then placed her hands on the black and white keys, and Caroline followed suit. They had the sheet music already there on the piano, but it wasn’t so much reading the notes that she needed to focus on. Caroline wanted to set the right pace so that Martha would not sound hurried or delayed; it needed to be just right so as to not spoil the girl’s first performance.

The simple rendition of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” filled the ballroom, and Caroline thrilled as Martha’s expertise shone through. The young girl bit her lip in concentration, fingers shaking but never missing their keys, and Caroline admired her greatly for it. At the song’s end, it brought the audience to thunderous applause.

Caroline urged Martha to stand and curtsy first, and only after that did Caroline do the same. It was a delightful introduction to the evening, but more than that, she hoped it would be a cherished memory for Martha for years to come.

Together, they moved away from the front of the ballroom as Mrs. Fezziwig gestured for the musicians to play the introduction for the opening hostess dance. Caroline returned Martha to her family, and was eagerly hugged by Tim, and praised by Mrs. Rosemont.

Caroline stood to the side and smiled, pleased that it had gone so well.

“Thank you, Caroline.”

Caroline turned sharply, finding Robert standing beside her. His blue eyes were on his daughter, glowing with pride.

“It was my pleasure,” she replied

Then he turned his eyes on her, making her breath catch in her throat. “I know what you’re doing.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “What am I doing?” she asked

“I appreciate your effort on Martha’s behalf, but I must ask you…”

He paused for a moment, leaving her desperate in anticipation.

“Please do not endear yourself to her if you are still to leave and… marry that duke.”

Caroline inhaled deeply, for she deserved that censure. She wanted to correct his assumptions, but didn’t know how she could, how she might explain her actions, how she could explain her all-encompassing desire for him had been the motivation behind her actions for weeks.

She turned and met his gaze, facing the full complexity of his emotions. He bore cold blue eyes and narrowed brows, a sign of his justified frustration, but beneath it all, she could see what she believed to be the smallest light of hope, accompanied by the underlying longing. In their former years, she had always been able to read him so easily, but could she still do so now? Or was it simply her wishful thinking?

“Come join the set,” Mrs. Fezziwig whispered urgently, grabbing Caroline’s arm as she passed.

“What? No,” was her immediate response.

“You are the hostess alongside me, are you not?” Mrs. Fezziwig chuckled. “It would be your aunt if she were here, so you must join in her place. Come, Mr. Cratchit will be your partner.”

Mrs. Fezziwig tugged relentlessly at the both of them, and Caroline did not miss the clenched muscles in his jaw. He was doing this against his will, but it still made her heart skip a beat to finally dance with him.

They took their places next to Mr. and Mrs. Fezziwig, and Caroline felt the full brunt of Robert’s gaze. The music began, allowing a moment for bowing and curtsying to one’s partner. The swell of a country dance moved around them, as they glided together and apart again, moving hand in hand down the line, all the while Caroline’s heart was stuck firmly in her throat. She couldn’t look at the stern set of Robert’s face without wanting to know his thoughts, and eventually the words were unable to be contained a moment longer.

“You are still upset with me about the duke’s offer?” she asked in a lowered voice.

The dance steps separated them again, but when he returned to her side, he said, “I have no right to be upset with you. You will do as you please, just as you have always done.”

Caroline carried on silently for a moment, taking in his countenance. He was acting like a jealous lover, but he had not indicated he felt any such notions toward her. She didn’t even know if he trusted her, let alone could love her. She could not make sense of him.

“Then if I understand correctly, I cannot be upset with you while you take your time considering me worthy of your trust, but you can be upset with me while I consider another man’s marriage proposal?”

Robert moved around her, and she did not miss the muscles tightening in his jaw. “It is not the same.”

She nodded. “No, it is not the same.”

“And perhaps I am not the one you should be speaking to about marriage proposals.”

Caroline raised her eyebrows at him. She deserved that barb, but he was not entirely guiltless either.

“Indeed. Of late, the duke has been the only gentleman to make me an offer of marriage, and as a woman of wealth, I thought it my duty to consider an offer from a duke. Do you not agree?”

Robert did not respond, and she sighed.

“He is not the sort of man I would generally wish to align myself with. In fact, he is quite the opposite. He is a terrible man, and it would not do well for me to associate with him, let alone marry him, especially when I am trying to become a less terrible woman.”

When he stood before her again, taking her hand to begin the dance again, his expression had turned softer. “I do not believe you are a terrible woman.”

“Then what am I, Robert? I don’t know what to believe from you, considering your lack of trust, your refusal of friendship, your insistence on distance.” She had not intended her words to be harsh, only earnest. She needed to know where she stood with him if she were ever to make any sort of decision on her future.

Their dance brought them back together, face to face, and she saw the frustration clear in his furrowed brow, in his piercing blue eyes. “Perhaps I have been reluctant to trust you because… I fear opening my heart to you, even in the smallest way, would make it all too easy to fall in love with you again.”

His words stole the breath from her chest and allowed her the smallest glimmer of hope. “Then what am I to you?” she asked again, her voice gentler now.

The dance went on silently, and she allowed him time to truly ponder his answer.

“You are many things, Caroline,” he said, his voice low and gruff, nearly next to her ear as he passed her by.

“Such as?”

The muscles in his neck worked as he swallowed.

“You are arrogant.”

Caroline cringed. His words stung, but he was not wrong.

“Prideful.”

Again, she nodded. He knew all her faults and flaws firsthand.

“Stubborn.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Confident.”

She cut her eyes to him. That one didn’t sound so bad.

“Ambitious.”

He met her gaze as he continued.

“Wise.”

Her brows raised high in surprise.

“Charming.”

Caroline’s heart thundered in her chest.

“Beautiful,” he whispered near her ear as he passed alongside her.

Holding her breath, Caroline waited, watching for him to appear before her again.

“And you are the woman who broke my heart.”

Caroline frowned. Yes, she was all those things.

Robert moved to stand before her, bowing at the close of the song. Then he offered her his arm and escorted her to a chair on the side of the ballroom. His eyes bore into her for a long moment, as if there were more he wanted to say, but thought better of it. Instead, he bowed and moved to leave.

“Robert,” Caroline said, reaching for his arm. “Wait.”

He paused, but did not turn to face her.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Caroline fought for the words to come. He’d said she was confident, and she needed that strength more than ever.

“What if I were also the woman to repair your heart?” Her chest was tight, breath coming with great difficulty. “What if I could make amends, make up for all the lost time and heart ache?”

He turned then, his blue eyes sharp and nearly frightening in their intensity. He shook off her hand, running his fingers through his hair, before stepping closer to her. Perhaps too close for being in company, in a ballroom, but Caroline welcomed his nearness.

“What could that possibly mean, Caroline?” he whispered fiercely.

Her lips parted in an attempt to let out her thoughts, but his gloved hand smoothed over the side of her face, making her gasp instead.

“What are you saying?” he asked again, his eyes tracing all over her face. “What are you doing to me?”

Her face flushed hot as his gaze dropped to her lips, and she had to remind herself to breathe normally. “I… I only…”

Their spot seemed secluded from any nearby candlelight, their closeness not drawing any attention from those seated in the distance on either side of her. The music of the next set filled the air, and the buzz of holiday chatter surrounded them, but Caroline acknowledged none of it. His lips were dangerously close to her own, and she found herself inching her chin up, brushing her nose against his, almost as if she were begging him to end her agony.

“Robert, please,” she whispered.

“Please what, Caroline?” he asked in the same tight voice. “And be careful what you ask for, because I'm fairly certain I'll do anything you ask.”

Swallowing her fear, she raised her eyes to his. “Kiss me.”

His blue eyes turned dark, dropping to her mouth again, and her lips parted in anticipation.

But he cast his gaze to the ground in a defeated sigh.

“That I cannot do.” Grinding his jaw, he looked up again. “Not if you are leaving.”

Caroline froze. Did that mean he would kiss her if she stayed? He would truly consider her, not just as a friend or as trustworthy, but as he had once before, if she didn’t go back to London?

“And what if I stay?” she breathed.

He considered her carefully for a moment, her heart pounding in trepidation.

Then his thumb brushed along her bottom lip before he released her completely.

“Ask me again on Christmas if you choose to stay.”