Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

C aroline stood outside the parish graveyard, willing herself to go in. The iron gates were wide open, and there was nothing stopping her but her own two feet. She wanted to go in, for she had so many things to say to her Aunt Fanny. But she could still see that black stone statue peeking through the barren trees, the one that always bore the appearance of weeping. She remembered it from the day she had ended things with Robert, the way its eyes had felt like a reproving gaze, but even before then, she remembered hating it as a child. She had always been told it was a guardian angel, watching over those in death, but she only saw it as a frightful figure, one that instilled a sense of pain and anguish and fear. Magnanimous wings wide and parted, one hand raised as if in condemnation, and streaks down the face of black stone. If that were an angel from heaven, then she wanted nothing to do with it.

So from the road, she pondered on all she wanted to discuss with Aunt Fanny. She had so many questions, wanted to recount so many experiences. The letter was tucked away in Caroline’s reticule, and she found herself returning to it often. Aunt Fanny had wanted Caroline to reconcile her past in order to settle her present day and prepare her for an even better future. Caroline felt rather at peace with her past, at least where Fred was concerned. And Mrs. Fezziwig had helped change her rigid perspective of the present, opening her heart to the world around her. But finding the right path for her future felt like such a daunting task, especially when she had so many choices pulling her in different directions.

Caroline had her original plan—complete the party as required by the will and leave Hamstead forever. Returning to London also meant providing the duke with an answer to his proposal, which she was not yet prepared for. Becoming a duchess was an opportunity that she never anticipated, but it was an alluring prospect, even with such a man as a husband. And yet, it was impossible not to acknowledge just how much she would have at her disposal to help the less fortunate as a nobleman’s wife. How much good could she do in that position? The only question is, would it be worth the cost of her life?

The other idea that had been constantly growing in the back of her mind was the option of staying. From the day she arrived, she had told everyone she could not stay in Hamstead, that no powers on earth could convince her otherwise, for her life was in London. But it seemed that Robert Cratchit had power over her still. His reluctant smile, his alluring blue eyes, and the pull from her memories that his love would be the surest thing in her life if only she would let it. But that would require sacrifices of a different nature, giving up the status and connections she had thought would be requisite and foundational for the rest of her life. And yet, somehow those didn’t seem like so great a feat anymore.

“Good day, Caroline,” came Fred’s voice from behind her, and she turned to him with a half-smile. “What’s this? Are you not happy to see me?”

“I am, of course. Only I’ve just come from seeing the Dilbers, and Robert was there as well.”

“How are they? The Dilbers, I mean. I had meant to visit them after all this snow.”

“They are managing. They are allowing me to help with some repairs on their cottage, but I know that will not solve all their problems.”

Fred reached out and reached for her hands. “It is a noble cause, and I know they will thank you for it.”

Caroline simply nodded in response.

“But that is not what has you so low. So it must be something related to Robert?” he asked lightly with a raise of his brows.

She just chuckled and sighed. “I don’t know, Fred. I thought that if I resolved all these relationships from my past, then I could more easily let go of it. But it seems the more I try, the more I change, and the more difficult everything becomes.”

“How so?”

“Well, I tried to apologize to Robert for everything that had passed between us, but he said he could no longer trust me, which I understand. So I have striven to win back his good opinion, to be a better person, but perhaps it is all for naught if I am to be leaving after Christmas. And then there’s the duke. I’m certain you heard…” She shook her head. “There was no missing what the duke said.”

“No, indeed.”

Wringing her hands in front of her, Caroline went on. “The duke’s proposal might have damaged all my efforts.”

Fred listened intently. “Are you considering the duke’s proposal?”

“Of course I am.” But the very idea made her shake her head. “Any woman would be mad to turn down such an offer to be a duchess, especially a woman in my situation. In my efforts to change, I realize marrying the duke might appear counterproductive. But when I think about all the influence that would be at my disposal as a duchess, about all the good I could do in a more elevated rank, it is incredibly enticing. Even if I would have to suffer with such a man by my side.” She shook her head. “I have already suffered a husband like him, so perhaps it is my cross to bear for all my prior misdeeds.”

Fred shook his head. “It seems a silly sacrifice when the duke could just as easily tie your hands, making you miserable right along with him, instead of the good you intended to spread.”

Caroline nodded. It was a valid point.

“But returning to London is not your only option now, is it?”

The simplicity of his words wrapped Caroline in a warm realization. Perhaps she didn’t need to go back after all. She wanted to believe it to be true, that she could find a home again in Hamstead. She thought that would go against everything she ever wanted. But what if she stayed, and had to suffer watching Robert marry Miss Alice? Perhaps that is why he refused her invitation to dinner, because he thought it better that they stay within their stations. She deserved it, after she had refused his idea of marriage, but she thought she had made enough progress, enough change to satisfy him.

“If you’re considering the duke’s offer, then consider mine as well.” Fred’s hands gently squeezed her shoulder again. “Stay. Come back home to Hamstead.”

Caroline swallowed, slowly shaking her head. “What about Robert?”

“He might need some time, but I believe everything can be worked out.”

“How do you mean?”

Fred threw an arm around her shoulder. “Come now, don’t think me na?ve. You’re trying to gain back his trust, his good opinion? If that’s not a cover for winning back his love—”

Caroline’s face flamed, rushing to cover his mouth with her hand. “Fred, hush! Someone might hear you.”

He looked down at her knowingly before removing her hand. “Was he hurt by you? Yes, of course. No man could have been more disappointed. But he is not so very different now from the man he was all those years ago. Meaning I don’t think his capacity to care for you has vanished in these nearly twelve years. Just give him some time.”

That revelation turned her mouth dry and set her heart to pounding, but she managed to nod.

“And while we’re at it, I’d like to make one more offer,” Fred stepped back. “Come to the rectory on Christmas Eve. I know you’ll have your Christmas day dinner to prepare for, but whether you stay or leave, I’d like to have one more holiday memory with you and the family.”

Caroline’s eyes burned with tears. The thought of leaving them all behind struck her fiercely in the heart. His family was darling, and so beloved in the village. She marveled at how Fred had flourished in his profession, turning the name of Scrooge into something delightful, renowned for doing good, despite who their father was. Caroline herself was no longer a Scrooge, nor did she wish to remain a Marley. There was one name she would be happy to take on, one that she adored, one that would complement the blossoming generosity in her heart. If only she could find a way…

A sudden thought struck Caroline, making her pause. “Fred, if I invited you and your family to the Christmas dinner, would you come?”

He considered her question for a moment. “I suppose I would come if you like, but I couldn’t bring the children to such an event. I can manage the scorn of the upper class on my own, but I wouldn’t want to subject my children to that on what should be a happy day. Unless you changed the party to be a ball like Aunt Fanny’s, so that all the children and their friends would be welcome.”

Caroline blinked. “Change the party?”

Fred waved his hand. “I know, it’s too close to the event to make such a change now. But maybe a thought for next year?” He gave her half a smile and patted her arm before wishing her a good day and returning to the rectory.

Standing there in the cold as the sunset, Caroline reeled from his suggestion. It had never occurred to her as an option, to change the Christmas party. She remembered having the thought at Mrs. Fezziwig’s that she wished her own party could be something similar. And the reason why was because it had so many people that she cared about present, not just those of elevated status who might not even care about her. The current plan for the Christmas dinner would ultimately be a very pleasant evening. The finest in the county were invited, the food prepared by her cook would be divine, and her obligation to her aunt’s will would be fulfilled, leaving her free to leave and do as she saw fit.

But that would surely leave her feeling just as hollow and lonely as she was before.

Fred was right. She did want to spend the holiday with people she cared about. She wanted his family there. She wanted Robert’s family there. She wanted the Dilbers there. And it didn’t feel like a burden, but like an opportunity. Just as her aunt’s letter had said.

Caroline turned and rushed into Longwood Manor with her cape flailing behind her. She had work to do.

The next morning, Caroline sat at the head of the table in her breakfast room, and she couldn’t help grinning. She sat with a tall, proud back, rather delighted with herself.

All the things she had learned and experienced over the weeks since she arrived in Hamstead had led to this. She kept thinking back to the birth of baby Beth, dancing with Robert at Mrs. Fezziwig’s ball, each and every interaction with the children, these moments that had influenced and changed her.

She remembered the love she had witnessed in Fred’s eyes, in Lily’s actions, as it had painted the world for her in a new light. She had not known much love and affection from her own parents. The only thing she gained from her own mother and father had been a skewed sense of the importance of money and status. But now she saw things differently. She understood why Robert was so hesitant to trust her again, to welcome her back into his life. He had a family, and children that required a mother. Perhaps not the way her mother was, but more the way Lily was. Someone who was willing to suffer and struggle for those they love, to give anything and possibly everything for their children. That sort of self-sacrifice, as a concept and in reality, was certainly new to her, but it did not seem impossible, or even undesirable now. She could not imagine enduring what Lily had suffered, especially willingly, but now she understood a little more why.

But it wasn’t just that. The love that had blossomed in her chest when Mrs. Dilber hugged her had only been the beginning. Now she wanted that feeling, to see that light in the eyes of others, over and over again. The ability to change lives could quite easily become addicting.

Now she just needed to make things right with Robert. Whatever that meant for the two of them, she wanted to be certain she proved that she was a changed woman, once and for all.

That started with sending new invitations to her guests from the dinner party, explaining the change of the event—that it would no longer be a dinner party, but a ball with an open invitation to the entire village. Some of her previous guests would undoubtedly decline the offer, and more likely result in a loss of connection with such wealthy and titled people. Not to mention the writing of new invitations, the changing of the cook’s meal preparation, and the decorations for the whole house, not just the dining room. Everything would change.

And yet, the idea was not daunting. In fact, it was a welcome thought. It would be her ultimate declaration to the whole of Hamstead. Even though she had endured years of influence under her father’s scrutiny and suffered a loveless marriage that left her nearly numb, she would not be defined by any of that. She didn’t have to be like that forever, and she could find her own happiness again.

So that’s what she did. Spent the entire evening writing nearly a hundred new invitations and had the footman Augustus sent to deliver them all around the village first thing in the morning. She had also drawn up a new menu for the cook, which would be significantly more difficult to manage, but she was confident they would succeed in a spectacular fashion. Now she only had to consider all her decorations, but that was the most enjoyable part.

“Mrs. Marley!”

The stern voice echoed across the room, and suddenly Mrs. Park appeared in the doorway. This was a confrontation Caroline had expected, but it came sooner than she thought it would.

“Yes, Mrs. Park. I know, you’re probably upset with me.”

The elderly woman moved to stand beside Caroline, her lips pursed and her face red. She took a few deep breaths without speaking.

“Out with it, Mrs. Park. You may speak your mind, and I promise I won’t sack you for it,” Caroline wore a smug smile, though her housekeeper was anything but amused.

“Mrs. Marley,” she began again in a tight voice. “The cook has informed me that you’ve not only changed the menu for the Christmas dinner party, but you’ve also changed the dinner to a ball and invited the entirety of Hamstead.”

Caroline nodded. “Yes, that is correct.”

The housekeeper huffed. “I cannot understand how you could make such an enormous decision without consulting me first. It is only a fortnight until Christmas Eve, and now we must completely change all the house preparations.”

Caroline nodded as she listened, and she fully intended to offer her apologies, for she knew the extra work the staff would have to endure to see this change through. But curiosity bubbled up inside her. “Mrs. Park, could it be that your frustration is disappointment in this change, or quite possibly even disappointment in me?”

The anger suddenly melted from Mrs. Park’s face, her shoulders softening. “Of course not.” The older woman lifted her chin. “I very much approve, and in fact, I would dare say it should have been done weeks ago instead of insisting on the dinner party at all.”

This made Caroline laugh. Such lip from a servant would never have been acceptable before, but Caroline felt the change now. Deep in her bones, she was becoming someone new, someone better. Someone her aunt would be proud of, which is likely what she had intended all along.

“You are right, Mrs. Park, and I am sorry for the short notice of making such grand changes so close to the event.” Caroline dabbed her serviette to her lips, close to finishing her meal. “I will do better to keep you apprised in the future.”

The words caught them both by surprise, for Caroline’s head immediately whipped around to face her housekeeper, and Mrs. Park’s eyebrows shot up in shock. They both froze, uncertain of how to proceed.

“Madam,” Mrs. Park ventured in a quiet voice. “Does that mean you intend to stay?”

Caroline’s heart pounded ferociously inside her chest, making it difficult to swallow or even breathe. “I suppose it does. Or, that is, I do. Intend to stay.”

And for the first time in recent history, probably since the moment she returned, Mrs. Park smiled. “Well, we would be happy to have you stay as long as you like.” Then the housekeeper bobbed a curtsy and left the room to go about her duties.

Caroline pressed a hand to her bosom, thoughts racing faster than she could comprehend them. Is that what all of this change had been building to? She had been certain so many would reject her, that she would only be all too happy to leave. But her time in Hamstead had softened her. Spending time with Fred and his family, with Mrs. Fezziwig, with Robert had all helped her realize this. She didn’t need to cling so desperately to her money, for it was no longer the most valuable thing in her life anymore.