Chapter Fifty-Three

Ican't control my nerves at this point. I can feel myself shaking but I need to get it together so I can play this song. I look at the camera and smile. I pray Juliet got Archer to watch. I start playing my guitar.

The audience stays quiet for the first part of the song. I try to stay focused on the lyrics but all I can think about is if Archer's watching and what he's thinking.

Does he feel what I feel? Or is he mad that I'm doing this? Will he talk to me after? Is he never going to want to see me again? Maybe this was a bad idea.

By the time I'm at the chorus, I'm convinced I shouldn't have done this. I try to hold it together for the rest of the song.

"You understand the pain behind my eyes . . . You mean every word in every line . . . That's why you're Mr. Perfectly Mine," I sing, strumming the final C chord. I look up at the audience. There's a silent pause and then they break into applause.

I look toward Este. She's smiling at me, and I swear she wipes a tear from her eye. I let a smile creep up on my face.

"Well, that was just beautiful," Este finally says. "Is the inspiration to that song someone that we may know?" she asks raising her eyebrows.

"Oh, I think you might know him," I wink.

My face falls somber. I look directly into the camera. "I just need him to know that I messed up. That I shouldn't have pushed him away. I let my own insecurities get in the way. I got worried and instead of talking to him about it, I separated myself from him and that wasn't fair. I thought I was doing what was best for him, but he deserved to make his own decision. I took that away from him. He also deserves to know that I love him."

"Well, I think anyone can see that you mean those words. That was a really beautiful song." She then turns directly to the camera. "Seems the only thing for him to do is forgive you." She laughs. "Thank you, Alison, for sharing that with us. What do you guys think? Was that a great surprise or what?"

The audience once again roars with applause.

"Well, thank you. And thank you for having me. I truly loved performing for you guys. You were a great first audience for this song."

"Keep us updated on how it all goes!" Este says. I smile and head off the stage.

As I walk back to my dressing room, I'm constantly stopped by people wanting to say hi or asking for an autograph. I do my best to greet everyone but my mind is reeling.

I wish Archer was in front of me right now. I need to know what's running through his mind.

I finally make it to my room. I push the door closed behind me and instantly reach for my phone. I'm not going to lie, my heart does drop a bit when I don't see any messages or missed calls from Archer, but I shouldn't expect that. I mean, I'm sure he's still processing what just happened, if he was even watching.

And who knows if he's going to want to talk to me. Maybe a public display of affection wasn't the right move, but I wanted him to truly see how much he means to me. He knows I like to keep things out of the public eye so I figured doing it as out in the open as I could would prove just how special he is to me and how sorry I am for screwing everything up.

I snap myself out of my thoughts and scroll through my contacts, clicking on Willow's name. She answers within one ring.

"How could you!" she shouts through the phone.

Oh, did I mention, I didn't tell her that I was doing this?

"I'm sorry, Willow," I start but she cuts me off.

"How could you not tell me that you were going to profess your love for Archer on live television like that!"

"I wanted to tell you, I just —"

"What? What's your reason? All I get is a text like ten minutes before the show to turn it on and watch. No context, no nothing."

I pause for a second. "So you think it was a stupid idea then?"

"No," her voice softens, "I think it was actually brilliant."

I can finally breathe for the first time since I decided to do this. "I just don't know what he's feeling."

"I know. But you have to give him time to figure it out, too. Imagine the shock he's going through. Are you sure he watched it?"

"No. Juliet said she'd be able to get him to watch, but I have no idea if she was actually successful."

"Wait," her voice gets lower again. "She knew about this!"

"Well, I mean," I twirl a curl around my finger. "It was kind of her idea. Well, she came to me all upset about the situation and we kind of came up with a plan together."

I hear her let out a huff of air. I wait quietly for her to respond. "You know, I want to be mad at you. So badly. But I can't. I'm kind of in shock that you actually did all of this."

"Honestly, it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. That was the first time I've sung a love song about my own love life. It was crazy."

"So not a fraud anymore then?" Willow asks.

"Nope, I guess not. I'm truly a heartbroken popstar now," I laugh.

"Al," Willow's voice lowers. "No matter how this turns out, I'm so proud of you. You put yourself out there with Archer. You let someone besides me and your family in. Whether this ends happily or not, you still experienced something great. You need to remember that."

"I know. And I need to keep reminding myself of that. I am proud of myself for everything that I've done. Maybe not the whole breaking up with Archer and not communicating with him, but everything else. If you would've told me a year ago that this is where I'd be, I wouldn't have believed you."

I sit in silence for a few seconds.

"Ali? Are you okay""

I sniffle. "Yeah, I am. I just really hope he forgives me."

"I know, Sweetie, I know."

"I really do love him. More than I thought I could love anyone. I just hope he still wants me."