Chapter Forty-Five

Islowly try to get off the bed without jostling Alison and waking her. I carefully lift her head and set it down on the pillow. She starts to move a bit. I hold my breath praying she stays asleep.

After a few seconds, she's still again, so I silently slip across the room, needing to step out for a few minutes. I try to slide through the cracked door without having to open it too much more so that light doesn't come through and wake her.

I sneak into the living room and note how dark it still is outside. I grab my phone off the coffee table that I threw it on last night when I came in terrified of what I might find. I tap the screen and see it's just before six in the morning. I slide up to check my messages. I have a few unanswered texts from Willow and a missed call from my dad. I quickly send him a message letting him know everything's okay and that I'd call him later.

I take a seat on the couch and click the call button by Willow's name. I hope it's not too early, but if I know Willow, she probably didn't get a lot of sleep last night either. She's probably waiting to hear how Alison is doing. It rings a few times before I hear her breathless voice.

"Archer? Is everything okay? How is she?"

"She's sleeping. She's been in and out for a while but I think she's finally out."

"Thank goodness. I knew she would relax eventually," she responds, her voice calming down.

"But Willow . . . I think she should see a doctor," I start.

"Archer, this is good. She'll sleep and she'll feel better. This is just how it works. She just needs rest," Willow tries to reassure me.

"I'm worried about her." I stand up and start to pace the room.

"This happens. She's had a few nights of shows. Her body is tired. She'll rest and then she'll be back to her old self. There's not really anything the doctors can do at this point. They could potentially ease the pain but for the most part she has to ride it out. And that is exactly what she'll say if you suggest going to the doctor."

"This is all my fault," I spit out.

"What?" Willow asks.

"I kept her out. Stopped her from resting. I should've known better. With all these shows we had, I should've let her rest instead of making her spend time with me. I could've prevented this. It's all my fault," my voice cracks as I run my hand through my hair.

"Absolutely not. Archer, this had nothing to do with you. It's just part of her illness. Part of who she is. And believe me, if she didn't want to spend all of that time with you, she wouldn't have. She definitely would've let you know," Willow tries to comfort me, but it falls on deaf ears.

"I should've known better." I fall quiet, letting the guilt eat me up.

"Archer?"

"She moaned. All night. Even when she was sleeping. And if she moved at all in her sleep, it was worse. That can't be good," I try to keep my voice from quivering with worry but I'm struggling. "It was horrible," I whisper.

"I know," Willow says quietly. We let silence sit with us for a few minutes. "I've been there. I've seen how bad it can get."

"I've never felt so helpless. I knew she was lying there in excruciating pain and there was nothing I could do. Nothing," I angrily swipe at a tear that's formed in my eye.

"You being there helped her more than you know. It didn't make the pain go away but you helped her through it. Trust me."

I nod but then realize she can't see me. "Okay. But I . . ." I pause for a second, sitting back on the couch. I start fidgeting with the corner of the pillow sitting next to me. "Wil, I can't do that again."

"I know it's hard," Willow says.

I pause for a second. "Hold on," I mutter.

I thought I heard something coming from the bedroom. I quickly walk up to her door and stand outside it, listening. I don't hear anything else, so either I'm hearing things or she went right back to sleep. I quickly walk to the bathroom, close the door as quietly as possible, and turn the light on.

"Sorry, I thought she was waking up," I whisper.

"She's still asleep then?"

"I think so." I sit on the edge of the tub.

"Are you okay?" Willow asks, concern in her voice.

"I think so. I'm not the one having to survive my body fighting itself. I knew it could get bad, I just didn't know how bad. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this."

There's a few moments of silence.

"Archer, I have to ask," Willow finally starts.

"Yeah?"

"When you said that you couldn't do it again. What exactly did you mean? Because if this is something you don't think you can deal with when it comes to Alison, you need to let her go. It's not fair to her. This isn't going to go away. It's going to be something you're going to have to deal with again and again and again. You're signing on for this when you decide to have Alison in your life."

"Willow, stop," I say abruptly. She instantly cuts off but I can practically feel her fuming from the other end of the phone. "That's not what I meant. Not at all. I've meant everything I've said to Alison about being here for her. Especially what I said last night. I'm all in on her."

"Wait, what did you say last night?" Willow probes.

I really don't want to admit that I told Alison that I loved her while she was half out of it. I'm not even sure if she heard it. She might literally kill me if she finds out Willow knew before her.

"That doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say is I'm hers. And nothing is going to change that. I just meant that I can't feel helpless like that again. Now that I know exactly what happens and how bad it gets, I'll be ready next time. If I can't help her avoid this again, I'm going to do my research. Figure out anything that can help and be armed with tools. I'm not going to sit there completely useless like last night." I pick up the towel laying on the lip of the tub and throw it to the floor in anger.

"Where did you come from?"

"What?" I ask, completely confused by her question.

"You. Where did you come from? Where have you been this whole time? Why did it take you so long to find Alison?"

"I wish I knew the answer to that. But all I know is that I'm here now, and I'm not letting her go. I'll take care of her. I promise." I release a breath.

"I believe you," she lets out a sigh.

I nod again even though she can't see me. "I'm going to go check on her. I want to make sure she's still sleeping and not up and needing something."

"Okay, sounds good. Call or text if either of you needs anything. I already ordered breakfast to be delivered to the room for both of you in a little bit. I didn't want to send it too early."

"Thanks, Willow." I hang up the phone and drop my head into my hands. I take a few breaths, giving myself time to regain my composure before going to Alison.

Once I feel like my anxiety is handled a little better, I rise from the tub and walk out of the bathroom towards the bedroom. Towards the girl that I love.