Chapter 29

The rest of the day passes in a blur. I have such a good time with Charlize that I forget about everything else going on in my life. To anyone watching, we're just another couple. Wandering hand-in-hand through the laneways of little shops and eateries. We visit a winery and I buy a case of the vanilla infused sparkling wine Charlize liked.

I can't stop thinking about what she told me about her grandmother. I knew the old hag was crazy, but a fucking child abuser? My blood boils.

I can't relax for the rest of the day. Guilt floods through me and I'm in a bad mood driving home. Charlize prattles on about this and that while I listen, still holding her hand, but I'm not really taking any of it in. I'm stewing. I've so much to tell her, to get off my chest, and I can't. I can't because I created this ridiculous thing that I now can't get out of. Still no word from Devon and I've no idea if she's going to text him back. I should feel relieved.

I should feel like all my lucky stars have come at once because she doesn't want anyone else; she wants me. But I don't really know if that's true. I can't let her in.

The idea that she's just after my money makes me feel like that insecure young man I once was. I still enjoy the idea of her spending money on herself, but because she loves me, not because she wants my money. Why does that even matter to me?

It didn't matter in the beginning. Now it's all that consumes me. I'm also too chicken shit to admit that I feel things for her; things that I shouldn't. Things that I've never said to anyone.

I don't know when we crossed over the lines of our agreement, to lovers, to falling in love. But I'm in love with her. I can see a future with her — something I've never been able to do with any other woman. It's like we waited all these years to find each other once again, but then the nagging questions still remain and if I feel worthy and good enough for her love.

I'm stoking the fire when I received Devon's text.

When I read it, my heart sinks.

Devon

Well, looks like you were right, bro. She took the bait.

My eyes narrow on the message.

She's talking away to me in the other room, asking what I might like for dinner or if we should go out.

I click my phone shut and take a deep breath.

She took him up on his offer? She really did it?

She walks into the room, carrying a cup of tea for both of us. When she sees my face, she stops in her tracks. "Alistair? What"s wrong?"

I shake my head and start to pace. My phone beeps again and I pick it up and throw it against the stone wall. It smashes into a million pieces and she jumps in fright, spilling the tea. "Why don't you tell me?"

She sets the cups down and wipes her hands down her jeans. "What are you talking about?"

I'm wild with rage.

What an idiot. I thought she loved me, and all she's really after is her next meal ticket. Just like all the rest. Even if I am part to blame, I never expected to feel this way.

"You know what I'm talking about. The guy! The one who offered you more money to sleep with you and you just couldn't resist, could you? What did it take, all of two seconds?"

She gapes at me as I stop and glare at her across the. "Wait… I didn't…"

"Yes, you did!" I roar. "I know all about it."

She shakes her head, her face pale as she tries to weasel out of it. I didn't expect it. I'll be honest. It came out of left field.

"You're an ass!" she yells back at me. "First, I didn't do anything! Some weird guy messaged me and offered me more money to be with him and I refused."

"Refused after how many days of thinking about it? And that's not what I've heard. You jumped at the chance."

She narrows her eyes. "Wait. Did you set this up?"

"Let's get back to the real issue at hand; you"re leaving me!"

She stands her ground. "You pretentious prick! You had some creep message me to find out if I was legit? Why would you do that?"

"It proved a point, didn't it?"

"It proves nothing of the sort. I told him that I was in love with you and to fuck off."

I stand there unhearing. "What?" She's in love with me? But that's not what Devon told me. She must be lying to try and get out of it. Charlize has no clue about Devon.

She puts her hands on her hips. "Whoever this asshole is, he's lying. And I can prove it." She pulls out her phone and lobs it at me. I catch it just before it hits me in the head.

"I don't want to read your texts."

"Why, are you scared you'll learn the truth?" She gives me the passcode, yelling each number out like a curse. It's her birthday, I realise.

I run a hand through my hair. When I don't open the phone she stomps toward me, snatches the phone and puts the passcode in, handing it back to me. "Here, because you think I'm such a liar, have a read. And for the record, I can see this is completely one-sided, so maybe we should be grateful it didn't go any further." She turns on her heels and stalks out muttering "asshole" under her breath, leaving me with her open phone.

I palm the back of my head, confused. I read the texts and my eyes go wide. Oh, holy fuck.

"Charlize?" I call. She doesn't answer. I scramble for my phone on the floor, cracked and in pieces. By some miracle the screen is broken but readable. I see the second text from Devon.

Devon

Just kidding, you dick. This was a stupid idea in the first place. Your girl loves you. Fuck knows why. She must have rocks in her head.

"No," I say out loud. "No." I race through the house to find Charlize. She's upstairs, flinging things into her suitcase. "Charlize, I'm sorry. I'm a dick."

She turns and pushes past me, stomping toward the bathroom. "You've got that right. Now leave me alone, jerk face. I'm done with you."

"I was jealous," I say. "I needed to know if any of this was really about me or if it was just the money and prestige."

"So you got one of your friends to pretend to be into me?"

"Yes. Deep down, how could I know if you really liked me? Me. I've had so many women come into my life who were gold diggers. I didn't think it mattered because I knew what they were and I never intended to settle down with any of them. But you're different."

"Ha! You were pretty happy with me spending your money when you were paying me to fuck you though!" she spits. I've never seen her so angry.

"Charli, please."

"Don't call me that." She wipes tears from her eyes and I've never felt so bad in my entire life. Well, maybe one other time and that involved her leaving, too. "Only my friends call me Charli. And you, Alistair Devereaux, are not my friend!"

I get down on my knees. "Please just hear me out. I can't end things like this." She turns to look down at me. "I love you, Charlize. That's why I did this. It was stupid. I'm not making justifications for it, but I couldn't tell you how I felt because deep down, I never thought I had a real shot with you. I didn't know what I would do if you walked out on me one day, like I did to you. Maybe that's why; because I thought I deserved the same treatment. Deep down I know I'm not good enough, I never will be."

She stares at me. "I've told you so many times that I don't blame you. No matter what I say, you won't believe me. And this isn't all about you. Shocker, I know. You'll just go off without even finding out the facts first, something I'm learning that I really don't like about you."

"I'm sorry. I don't like it about me, either. My friend — the one who texted you — was being a dick and he told me you took the bait. He sent me another message right after telling me the truth. After I smashed my phone."

She frowns, then as if only just remembering what I blurted out, she says, "You love me?"

I stare up at her. "Yes. I don't know when this went from being a deal to something more, but in all honestly it was never a deal for me. I thought deep down you were hung up on money and I wanted you to have it. You deserve to live a good life. A life where you don't have to struggle. The lines got blurred. I started to fall and I fell fast." I run both hands through my hair. "You have to believe me, Princess. I don't want to do this without you. I can't live without you. What we have is special. I've never felt this way before."

Her lips part and I see the anger dissipate. "Alistair, you thought I was a gold digger! How can I forget that? How can I forget you tried to set me up and lied about it?"

"You can't, but I did it because I'm a jealous arsehole and I'm also madly in love with you. The idea that another man could be where I've been. That he could get to be with you when you're mine… I saw red. And then I couldn't see straight at all."

She sinks to her knees and cups my face. "This isn't a game to me."

"I know that now."

"You can't just make this better with words, Alistair. The fact you don't trust me hurts. The fact you think I'd even want to sleep with any other man except you…" She trails off and I hang my head. "It just isn't true. You're all I think about day and night."

It's a relief to my ears, but I know I'm not out of the woods yet. "I can't do this," I say, my voice cracking. "I can't lose you. I won't lose you. I only just got you back in my life."

A long silence passes. "What are we going to do?" she whispers.

"Just say you'll stay. Don't leave like this."

She takes a long breath. "I won't leave. I'm not happy, but I won't do that because I learned a long time ago not to run away from my problems."

My eyes meet hers. I know I can't make this right with words, or by using sex. I know I have to. "I've never had to answer to anyone. I've always kept my guard up, thinking that would protect me from falling in love. But with you, nothing is simple. This feeling I have inside of me, it feels nuclear. Like I will die if I can't have you."

We're both still on our knees. "I was wrong to trick you like that. I should've just manned up and asked how you felt, but where I come from; you don't show affection, Charlize. I love my parents to death, but we're also a family who don't show emotion or affection in public, or behind closed doors. When you touch me, I feel this pounding in my chest that can only be described as atomic. I need you and I didn't realise how much until I thought I could lose you."

She stares at me, and for the first time in my life, I've no idea which way this will go. "While I appreciate that, and the fact you are who you are and don"t know how to love, I was more than willing to be the one to show you."

"Was? As in past tense?"

She cups my face again. "That"s not what I meant."

"Tell me what I have to do and I'll do it."

"But you won't believe me. There will always be doubt. Somewhere deep inside you'll always be wondering if I'm playing some game, and I can't live like that. I won't live like that. At first, I admit, that's all this was. I would've said and done anything to be with you. And I did. But then things changed. All I've ever wanted my whole life is to be loved by someone. To be their everything. To belong to someone. And the first time I've ever felt that, Alistair, is with you."

I press my forehead to hers. "I love you. I won't let you go. I'll show you. I'll prove it to you."

She takes a long breath. Deciding my fate has never felt so long and exhausting. "I think we need to take a step back."

"No."

She pulls back to look at me, her beautiful blue eyes filled with remorse. "Yes, just for a beat. Things have moved so fast. If we're really declaring our love for one another, we need to actually date one another and not just base it all on sex, lust and money."

"I can do that." I never expected she'd want more from me. "I'm a creature of habit, Charlize. But I know I am capable of more. I didn't think you wanted more. I thought you just wanted the sugar baby thing and nothing else. Now I've come to realise that it's not enough. It could never be."

"It isn't enough, I agree," she whispers, to my relief. "Not when I feel this way."

"So I'm in with a chance?"

"I just don't want any lies. I can't handle sneaking around and you trying to catch me out. While I get why you did it, that wasn't cool, Alistair. You could've just asked me how I felt, and I would've told you. Even if it meant losing you."

"You think telling me you love me would lose me?"

She gives me a pointed look. "At the time I didn't know you felt the same way, asshat. Try to keep up."

I smirk. "Trying real hard over here." She smiles and my chest tightens. "I'm really sorry. For everything. I never meant to hurt you. I'm bad at this."

"It seems you are a little bit of a rookie when it comes to matters of the heart."

"I'm not perfect."

"Nobody is, but I never want to guess with you. Ever. And unfortunately, that's all I seem to do because you're a closed book. I want in, Alistair. I know it's hard to open up when that isn't who you are, but shutting me out won't cut it."

"I'm going to try harder. I know I'm a moody prick, and I never say the right things, but I know we can have a good life together. If you'll have me."

"Let's take things slow. I want to get to know the real you. The Alistair who was a little boy and he grew up to be a polo player. The man who runs an empire but never has time to even read a book — I want to know the real you and what makes you tick. All the things, good and bad. I want to go deep." She laughs suddenly. "That last bit sounded wrong."

I chuckle, afraid that I'll shatter the spell if I do, but I can't help it. "Everything about this is wrong, but it feels oh, so right."

"I know. Well, it does when you're not throwing fits as well as perfectly nice iPhones across the room."

"They can be replaced. You can't."

Her eyes soften. "No more being a douche. And you need to reign in that temper."

"I can't help that I'm jealous."

"You don't need to be. I'm yours, Alistair."

"So you're not leaving?" My heart thuds in my chest.

She shakes her head. "You"re an ass. But I'm not leaving. This also doesn't mean that I'm going to be a pushover when you want to just go off on a tangent and be reckless. This is how things end in disaster. We have to be honest with one another. Especially given our history."

I pull her into my arms. "Taking it slow?"

She sighs. "If you even know the meaning of the word."

My world just got made.

I know that I have to do better. Be better. And I want to. For her.

"I do now, Princess." I kiss her nose. "I do now."