Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Ethan reined in Diablo and tried to make it look as if the horse had stopped as opposed to Ethan needing to take a few moments to gather his thoughts.

The fork that was the path up to the lake was there in front of him, and the shiver down his spine wasn't unexpected. The last time he'd been up here had been in the mad search to try and find Justin and Adam. He'd swum every inch of Silver Lake, checked every part of it, and then he'd left and never gone back.

Cole drew up next to him; he was riding Juno and looked unsettled in the saddle.

"You okay?" Ethan asked to take the attention away from himself.

"I prefer boats," Cole muttered darkly. "Always did."

For someone who grew up around horses, it struck Ethan as funny that Cole had moaned about getting up on the back of Nate's mount. Cole had never been the greatest with horses, finding a mountain bike the better way to get around the ranch. He didn't have horses in his blood like Nate did.

"Suck it up, Sailor," Adam teased as he moved past the two men.

Cole gave his brother the finger, and with a press of his heels, followed Adam up the hill and onto the new trail that would eventually level out at the lake and on to Silver Lake.

Recently too many memories had cascaded into Adam's mind at once, and Ethan was scared and not afraid to admit it.

Ethan desperately hoped that Adam recalled Justin—that he pulled back every memory of what happened—and then he equally didn't want it. He saw the pain in Adam when a memory hit, the headaches, the frown. At least he wasn't passing out now whenever the past hit him hard.

Ethan caught up with the other two, but hung back and let Adam lead wherever they needed to go. Adam said he'd know, and if he didn't know, Ethan knew he'd make it up.

Announcements like that made Ethan love the man even more. For someone with so much shit heaped on him, he was remarkably stable. A few breakthroughs in temper, and some down times, but for the most part he was thoughtful and focused.

Adam was trying really hard to remember Justin. Too hard. He wanted Ethan to talk about him, and sometimes that was the worst part of all this.

In keeping the hope, Ethan had to focus on a future Justin was a part of, and not think about the past where Justin vanished.

Saunders hadn't come back with anything on Justin being in witness protection; in fact he'd given Ethan a fuck ton of nothing in the way of help. Just locked files and red tape so deep not even Jen's hacker brother-in-law could find his way through.

The trail narrowed and the three of them moved into single file, Adam ahead, Cole and a huffing, temperamental Juno behind him, and Ethan in the back. Maybe a quarter mile more and the path would end. A few more minutes of safety and the last part of the ranch would be spread out in front of Adam.

Adam stopped when the path ended. Cole attempted to, but Juno decided to veer off to the left. Ethan reined in next to Adam and looked at him expectantly. Frustration was carved into Adam's face, and he looked at Ethan with a scowl before shutting his eyes, still frowning.

"You don't have to try so hard," Ethan murmured.

He dismounted and tied Easy up, drawing Juno to the same place and watching Cole curse and moan as he dismounted.

"I bet Nate told his fucking horse to piss me off," he groused, although the words were said with a quirk of his lips.

"Yeah, 'cause Nate talks to horses," Ethan said.

"Nate has magic where horses are concerned." Cole scruffed Juno's muzzle and got an answering snort for his attempt to bond.

"Juno here is the most placid horse in this entire place."

"Tell that to my ass," Cole said.

"SEALs are real wimps," Ethan teased, sure he was going to get a rise from Cole.

It worked, but when he found himself in a headlock, shouting uncle, he realized he may have pushed it a little too far.

"Who's the wimp now, Allens?"

"Guys!" Adam's voice interrupted their horseplay and both men separated quickly.

"What?" Ethan asked.

Adam had dismounted and now stood at the end of the jetty that jutted out into the lake. He crouched at the side and peered into the water. "Come see this. I don't know what it is."

Ethan and Cole walked over and crouched next to Adam. They both got a face full of scooped water.

"Fucker," Cole spluttered.

All Ethan could feel was lightness inside him that Adam was smiling.

"Owned a cop"—Adam drew a one in the air—"and a SEAL"—he added another one and grinned. Then, before either Ethan or Cole could react, Adam began to remove his jeans. "So, where do we need to swim?"

Ethan hesitated. It was April; the water would be cold until you swam enough to get to Silver Lake over to the left of the lake. That water was part of a geothermally heated spring-water lake, but it wasn't reachable by horse or on foot; you had to swim there. When the boys disappeared in March of 2004, it had been unseasonably mild but, even then, the investigating cops had near laughed away the idea that the boys had been swimming.

They didn't understand that all the boys at the ranch were hardened to the cold water because what was at the end was a pool of pure, idyllic warmth.

"About thirty yards that way," Ethan said and pointed at the outcrop.

The sun was warm on their skins. Not the warmth of summer, but the chill-edged heat of spring promise.

Adam dipped a toe in the water. "Fuck, it's cold."

Ethan didn't hear the words; he just stared at Adam in his shorts, with his entire raft of tattoos now in plain sight.

"Jesus, Adam, what did you do, sleep with a tattoo artist?" Cole traced the horse tattoo on Adam's back. "That is gorgeous." He flexed his own arm to show off the thick band of tribal design he had around his bicep.

"Nice work," Adam commented, but Ethan could see he was distracted.

The comment about sleeping with the tattoo artist had to have hit a nerve. He could see it had when Adam glanced at him with a look of confusion in his eyes.

"Race you," Cole said and, with a smooth dive, he was in the lake and making his way to the water. He'd always been the best swimmer out of them all, but to see him literally power through the water was impressive.

"He's pretty cool," Adam noted. "As big brothers go."

"Yeah, he is."

"Still, the idiot left me here just with you, and there is no way I'll be able to swim."

Ethan touched his arm, "So we'll float over, I'll support you."

"Okay, deal." Adam rubbed a hand on his chest and looked over the water at the rapidly vanishing Cole.

"You sure about this?" Ethan asked. He stood closer and rested his hand over Adam's, right over his heart. "What if you get cold? Your face and ribs?—"

"I'll be okay. I need to do this."

"Let's take it slowly."

"You mean I can't dive in—all SEAL-dramatic—and then power over using all my big, brawny muscles." Adam raised his arm and flexed his muscle, which was quite impressive and likely a result of working at a ranch in Wyoming.

Ethan kissed him briefly, pressed a quick squeeze to Adam's shoulder, and then he turned to face the water. "You first," he said. "I've got your back."

Adam went in much more slowly, cursing a storm as the cold water closed over him. It wasn't ice. Even this part of the lake was slightly heated by the warm water spilling over from the water. The lake was one of those left behind when the ice age carved its way through the mountain, with water so clear you could see the shingle and stones at the bottom.

Ethan followed Adam staying always next to him. Adam wasn't so much swimming as floating with style and, every so often, Ethan nudged him to keep up his momentum.

They finally made it to the rocks that formed a natural barrier to Silver Lake. The warm water spilled over the top, a waterfall of warmth, and they stayed under it until Ethan was sure Adam had stopped shivering.

Then they clambered over the rocks and stopped short of getting into the water. Ethan was ready to get in, but Adam had stopped dead. He sat on the rock, his feet in the water.

"You okay?" Ethan asked, realizing it was probably a stupid question. Of course Adam wasn't okay; he probably wasn't anywhere near okay. Ethan examined him critically.

A whole lot of bruising had disappeared, and his eye wasn't as swollen as when they first met in the hospital. He said his chest didn't hurt as much; last night he'd slept without pain medication, albeit restlessly.

Ethan knew Adam had been restless because he hadn't been able to sleep very much himself and had spent most of the night staring at him.

"I'm just waiting," Adam answered. He reached out and gripped Ethan's hand, lacing their fingers, then tipped his head back to the sun.

Ethan didn't have to ask what he was waiting for. A memory of some sort. For a while he watched Adam, then focused on Cole, who was cutting from one side of the lake to the other, mostly underwater, crossing the fifty feet or so in seconds. At each turn at their end, he would surface and check on Ethan and Adam, but he didn't stop.

"Let's go in," Adam said.

Ethan focused on him then and helped him into the water, until they were lazily floating, with Cole swimming around them. If Ethan closed his eyes, he could almost imagine them as they used to be. Nate would be in here with them, Gabe and Justin as well. This was their place.

Cole had made his way over to the start of the caves, as the boys had named the eroded indentations in the side of the lake. Every so often he would dart out of one and into another, and at the last one, when he came out he subtly shook his head.

He'd found nothing; there was nothing to see.

That didn't surprise Ethan. Visitors to the ranch knew about the lake. Hell, it was in the brochure and on the website. Any sign of anything that had happened that day in 2004 would have long gone, and he knew damn well he'd gone over every part of it himself in the days after the boys vanished.

Adam was treading water now. He must have found a shelf of rock, steadying himself and sinking a little so the water was up to his chin. Then he closed his eyes, and peace stole across his face.

Ethan trod water until he found the same shelf, standing on it and ducking much the same as Adam did, and he half watched Adam, the rest of his focus on Cole, who was now climbing the rocks on the other side. Cole reached the top, stretching tall, hands on hips, he did a full three-sixty before crouching down, then sitting on the topmost rock.

"I think it was a way to reconnect with what he loved," Adam murmured.

Ethan looked back at Adam; he still had his eyes closed. Was he seeing memories? Ethan didn't know what was the best thing to do. Should he ask questions or just listen?

Adam continued. "We came here because he told me he was jealous, angry-jealous. That he always thought it would be me and him, not you and me."

Ethan's chest tightened. Was Adam talking about Justin?

"He told me about Colin, and the dance, and how it was all show, and why didn't I get that it should have been me there with him." Adam smiled in among his memories. "I told him I'd always love him, that we were closer than brothers, but I wanted his brother. He just said he knew, and he was used to things not going right in his life. I knew where it was going. He was going to use the whole "my mom died for me," self-pity thing, and I stopped him, called him on his bullshit, got him out of his headspace, and we left the lake."

Adam opened his eyes. "We left the lake," he said softly.

Ethan hesitated to talk, not wanting to break the connection Adam had to the past, but he thought maybe Adam wanted direction and that was why he was looking at him. "Where did you go next?"