CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

S AO S EBASTIAO WAS exactly as Sadie remembered, its buildings with their colonial era architecture spread out between the mountains and the ocean. It was all at once sleepy and beachy, but also busy. This was why she’d got off a bus here one day—because she’d deemed it the perfect place to hide out for a bit.

Little had she known how her life would change here.

They’d arrived at a private airfield shortly before, and now Quin was driving a slightly battered open-top four-wheel drive, with their luggage in the back.

Sol was jumping up and down on the back seat with excitement. ‘Can I go straight over to Joao’s house when we get there?’

Quin glanced at his son through the rearview mirror. ‘After you unpack and show Sadie around.’

‘Okay, Papa.’

Sadie smiled and looked back at Sol from where she sat in the passenger seat. She was enjoying the salty sea breeze in her hair and the sun on her skin. ‘Who is Joao?’

‘My best friend. He lives right along the beach—practically next door.’

Sadie had absorbed the word beach , but never thought for a second that Sol was talking about—

But now they were turning down a road towards a beach that looked all too familiar.

Except Sadie could see changes. There was a high fence now, where there hadn’t been a fence before.

Quin was turning the vehicle towards a set of discreet gates that almost disappeared into the lush foliage.

He pressed a button on a key chain and the gates opened. Sadie held her breath as he drove onto a short driveway that opened out into an open space where a simple beach house stood. The faint sound of crashing waves could be heard in the distance.

The house had been extended, she could see that—to the sides and to the roof. But it was unmistakably the same beach house where she’d lived with Quin. Except he’d only been renting it at that time...

Sol was already out of the car and running towards a woman who’d appeared in the main doorway and was hugging him with great affection.

Sadie got out, feeling a sense of déjà vu, and slightly dizzy.

Quin met her at the front of the car and said, ‘Come and meet Fernanda. She and her sister take care of the house and gardens when we’re not here, and they stock up when we come.’

Sadie couldn’t move, though. She just looked at him. ‘It’s the house. Our house.’

Quin’s jaw was tight, and then he said, ‘I bought it and did some renovations.’

Sadie wanted to ask why , but the young woman was coming towards them now, holding out her hand.

‘You must be Sadie. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Fernanda.’

Sadie smiled at the friendly woman, who was very pretty, with dark brown eyes and crazy corkscrew curls in a soft halo around her head. Sadie couldn’t help but respond to her easy warmth even in the midst of her shock, and smiled back, shaking her hand.

After greeting Quin with warm and easy affection, the woman led them in, saying to Quin, ‘I’ve put out some snacks and drinks, dinner is in the fridge, and there are enough supplies to last a month.’

‘Thanks, Fernanda. I appreciate it, as always.’

‘No worries, boss—you pay me more than enough to make it worth my while!’ She winked at Sadie, then addressed Quin again. ‘Elena will come over at some stage to talk through some changes she wants to make to the garden.’

‘Okay.’

Sadie turned to Quin. ‘How much land is there?’

‘About an acre.’

‘Wow.’

Sol appeared in the room. ‘Come on, Sadie. I want to show you everything.’

She did as she was bade and let Sol take her by the hand and show her around the house, almost thankful for his distracting chatter when a slew of memories rushed back at her on seeing the familiar rooms and then the new ones.

Downstairs, the house had been opened out into a huge living/dining area, and there was a beautiful kitchen overlooking the verdant back lawn where Sadie could see a pool. She noted that Sol was now in what had been her and Quin’s bedroom upstairs. She was glad he didn’t want to linger there too long. It was too full of memories. The master bedroom suite was now in the dormer extension. There was a balcony, with stunning views of the beach and the sea.

Tears pricked Sadie’s eyes as she remembered being on that beach and looking back at this house, catching her first glimpse of Quin on the porch.

‘And your room is over here.’

Sadie turned around to see Sol trying to haul her wheelie suitcase into a bedroom across the hall from Quin’s. It was almost a mirror image of Quin’s, but with no balcony—just windows overlooking the pool and beautiful gardens.

Sadie followed Sol into the room, and to her surprise he ran over and wrapped his arms around her waist. She hugged him back, bending down and pressing a kiss to his head.

He looked up at her. ‘I’m glad you’re my mom. I knew you were special when I first saw you.’

Sadie’s heart swelled at his sweet words. She smiled. ‘The minute I saw you, I knew you were very special.’

His eyes widened. ‘When I was a baby?’

She nodded. ‘When you were born, you didn’t even cry. You just looked up at me and it was as if you’d been here before—do you know what they call that?’

He shook his head, fascinated. ‘No, what?’

‘An old soul.’

‘Wow, cool.’

And then, like most children, Sol was already moving on, pulling away.

‘Come on! Let’s find Papa and go to the beach!’

‘I’ll follow you down.’

But Sol was gone.

Sadie took in a big shuddery breath.

‘Okay?’

She whirled around at the sound of Quin’s voice. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Relaxed. Sexy. At home here.

She forced her mind away from all Quin’s attributes and nodded. ‘Fine... You’ve done an amazing job on the renovations.’

‘They were your suggestions, remember?’

Sadie nodded slowly. Yes. She remembered it now. A conversation when she’d listed all the things she’d do if she owned the beach house. She’d been the one who’d said that she’d love a dormer room with a balcony, so she could sit and watch the dawn breaking. Her favourite time of day.

Maybe that was why she hadn’t remembered at first—because it was so utterly bittersweet to see that Quin had gone ahead and done it. Ready for someone else? Because sooner or later he would move on, and be with another woman. Perhaps marry her. Have more children—siblings for Sol. And where would Sadie fit into that equation? The thought of being further and further sidelined as his new family formed made her feel a sharp pain in her chest.

She realised Quin had walked into his own room and was standing on the balcony. She joined him, still feeling emotional.

Sol’s and Fernanda’s voices floated up from downstairs.

‘Why did you buy it, Quin? After what happened, I would’ve thought you’d never want to see this place again.’

He didn’t answer for a long time, and then he spoke almost as if to himself. ‘I stayed here for a month afterwards, with Sol. Expecting that you’d just reappear. I thought maybe you’d suffered some sort of post-partum depression or something. I thought if I waited...’

Sadie said nothing—just looked at Quin’s profile.

He went on, ‘And then... I think I knew. I couldn’t feel you any more. Somehow I knew you were far away. But even when I knew I had to leave—because I had to work and I needed support for me and Sol—I just couldn’t let the house go.’ He made a little huffing sound. ‘You see, even then—as angry as I was—I imagined you returning to the house, finding new people living here and not being able to contact me even though you had my phone number. It was irrational, but I kept on paying the rent after we left. And when the lease was due for renewal I found myself offering to buy it.’

He finally looked at Sadie, and she almost recoiled at the bleak pain she saw in his eyes. She knew it instantly. He had loved her.

‘Even though I hated you for what you had done to us, I couldn’t bear the thought that you might come back and find the place taken over,’ he said. He shook his head at himself. ‘How messed up is that? In the end I decided we’d use it as a holiday home and had it renovated.’

Sadie looked blindly out at the view, tears blurring her vision. She blinked them back. When she spoke her voice was rough. ‘I can’t keep saying I’m sorry, Quin. Sooner or later you’ll have to accept that we can’t go back. I did what I did at the time because I was terrified I would bring harm to you and Sol...and your friend Claude has confirmed how real the danger was...’

She looked at him. The enormity of being back here was dissolving every wall she’d had to build to protect herself in the last four years. She had nowhere to hide.

She could only say, ‘But you need to know that I never stopped loving you, Quin. I still love you. The first thing I did when I learned that I could have my life back was come to find you and Sol.’

If Sadie had hoped that Quin’s features would melt at hearing those words and he would gather her into his arms, then she’d been a fool. Still some part of her dared to hope...but he was like stone.

And then he shook his head. ‘I’m sorry... I can’t...’

Sadie’s insides curled in on themselves. Ice went into her veins as some sort of self-protection.

Before she could figure out how to respond, how to get out of this conversation with any shred of dignity, Sol appeared in the doorway of the bedroom.

‘Come on, guys...hurry up!’

Sadie looked at her son. He was her focus now. The centre of her world.

She moved away from Quin and went back to her room on wooden legs, somehow forcing a brightness she did not feel into her voice. ‘Okay, give me two minutes.’

‘I never stopped loving you, Quin... I still love you.’

Quin had heard the words, but it was as if they’d hit a glass wall before they could impact him. In spite of knowing that Sadie had never meant to hurt him, or Sol, he still couldn’t seem to let go of the cold, hard pain inside him.

All he could think of—especially here and now, in this place—was that awful moment when he’d returned to find the house empty. Sadie gone. And then...as the minutes and hours had passed...mild concern had given way to confusion, building panic. He’d found her note just when he’d been contemplating calling the police.

He’d gone out into the streets to look for her, not understanding what on earth the note could mean. Surely she was joking? Or maybe she was just unwell.

He’d had Sol strapped to his chest as he’d walked for hours. But there’d been no trace of her.

An awful, liquefying panic had settled into his limbs, making him feel weak. Reminding him of how he’d felt when he’d realised his mother had left him. When he’d found no trace of her left in their house because their father had had all her things removed.

He’d had to sit down on a bench. An old woman had been there. She’d looked at Sol and heard him fretting a little, and she’d smiled and said, ‘His mama will be needing him back soon.’

He’d told Sadie just now that he’d kept the house and had it renovated in case she returned, but he knew it went deeper than that and he couldn’t ignore it. He hadn’t been able to let go of it, in spite of what had happened, because this was where he’d been happiest. And somehow that had eclipsed the pain. But it exposed him now. Exposed his weakness. Just like she’d exposed his weakness before. Making him fall for her. Making him vulnerable. Exposing him to pain.

Quin was still standing on his balcony a few minutes later, when he saw Sadie emerge onto the beach below him with Sol. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail and she was wearing denim cut-off shorts and a singlet, under which he could see a turquoise bikini top. Her feet were bare.

Something inside him cracked. Like this, even with her paler skin and lighter hair, she looked exactly like the Sadie he’d first met. Shy and blushing. And then bolder, more confident. Chattering non-stop about everything and everything. Passionate. Loving.

Sadie might still love him, but her words couldn’t even make a dent in the solid wall he’d had to build inside himself to weather the pain of her abandonment. Opening himself up to Sadie again emotionally... no . The mere notion made Quin’s hand grip onto the railing of the balcony, so tight that his knuckles shone white.

He wouldn’t survive. And his son needed him.

His future could not be with this woman, even though he knew she had a right to be in Sol’s life. That way lay certain pain. Because he would never not be waiting for the day when he would return to find her gone again. And that made a vice squeeze his chest so hard it hurt.

Sadie and Sol were further down the beach now, kicking a ball. Sol stopped suddenly, and turned and looked back. He saw Quin. He raised his hands to his mouth and shouted something, but Quin couldn’t hear what he said. He raised his hand to indicate that he would join them.

It had been a mistake to come here—especially with her. The place was too full of ghosts and memories. He hadn’t needed love in his life until he’d met Sadie, and he would never forgive her for making him fall for her. Nor would he ever be so weak again.

A sense of desperation filled him. Surely he would be able to find a way to minimise their contact? He would help set her up in her own place. Find her independence. There would have to be a way. And then this constant craving he felt would surely diminish.

He turned from the view and felt a sense of bleakness lodge in his gut. But bleak was good—better than pain.

That night, Quin woke to sounds of moaning...anguish. Assuming it was Sol, he checked on him—but his son was sleeping soundly in his bed, covers kicked aside, legs askew. Quin pulled the sheet back up and went out into the hall, closing the door softly behind him.

Maybe he’d imagined hearing the—

But it came again, and this time he realised it was from Sadie’s room. Afraid she’d wake Sol, Quin went to her room and pushed open the door. Her covers were off too. She wore only sleep shorts and a vest top.

She was moving restlessly. He could see that her skin was slick with perspiration and her head was moving back and forth.

She moaned again. ‘No...please, no...don’t go away...come back...’

The sense of déjà vu was strong. She’d had nightmares when they’d been together.

Quin went over and put his hands on her arms, holding her gently but firmly. But it seemed to make her worse.

She started thrashing and mumbling incoherently. ‘Please...don’t try to stop me... No... No! ’

She shouted that last word and, acting on instinct, Quin bent his head and covered her mouth with his to swallow her cries. He could feel it when her body relaxed under his hands...under his chest.

He pulled back. She was looking at him, eyes wide.

‘Quin? Are you...? Am I still dreaming?’

Quin could fee her breasts moving against his chest, the sharp points of her nipples. He said, ‘You were having a nightmare.’

She seemed to look beyond him and said, ‘I was... I was on the beach, and you and Sol were really far away, and I was calling you but you couldn’t hear me, and you wouldn’t turn around, and then someone was holding on to me, stopping me from getting to you...’

Quin felt a shiver down his spine. For a while after Sadie had left he’d had exactly the same dream—except he was the one trying to reach her and she couldn’t hear him.

He moved further back, but her hands clasped onto his arms. ‘Please, don’t leave me yet, Quin.’

Quin gritted his jaw. He’d ignored the temptation to come to her after Sol had fallen asleep earlier; he knew he would never be able to move on if he touched her again. But now his resolve was fast melting into the heat haze clouding his brain and the rising of his blood.

Sadie whispered, ‘Can you just stay with me for a bit, please?’

Quin said, ‘Move over.’

Sadie scooted into the middle of the bed and Quin lay down behind her, wrapping his arms around her. Holding her. Her backside nestled into his groin, fitting like a missing jigsaw piece. His body responded to her proximity at once, but he exerted every ounce of control to keep it at bay.

Eventually he could feel Sadie relaxing against him, her breaths evening out. He told himself he’d move soon...once he was sure that she was asleep. But, frankly, it felt so familiar and good to hold her like this that he gave in to the impulse and let his own muscles relax...until he too found himself drifting off.

Quin was gone when Sadie woke the next morning. But her body was still humming in the aftermath of what had happened when they’d both woken in the night to find themselves entwined. They’d moved to turn face to face. Sadie had pressed a kiss to Quin’s mouth—a thank you for comforting her as much as anything else. She’d craved his touch so much after that awful dream...she’d felt so cold.

When she’d kissed him, she’d half expected him to pull away—because it had been clear he’d had no intention of staying earlier in the night, until she’d begged him. But after a long moment he’d kissed her back, and a slow but intense frenzy had overtaken them as they’d mutually combusted.

She’d told him she loved him.

She waited for a sense of regret and embarrassment, but it didn’t come. She felt lighter. There was no way she could have kept those words inside—not here in this place where they’d been so happy. Where they’d made their beautiful son.

She knew she faced certain heartache now, but it would be nothing compared to the agony she’d endured for four years.

Birds tweeted outside. Sadie could hear Sol’s voice downstairs, and she revelled in a brief moment of appreciating where she was, in spite of the realisation that since they’d arrived here whatever accord she’d reached with Quin had taken about four steps back.

She got up and showered in the generous en suite bathroom and dressed in a pair of indigo blue shorts and a matching sleeveless shirt. Sara had packed her bag in Sao Paulo before they’d come here, and it was still such a revelation to be wearing clothes that weren’t falling apart at the seams from over-washing.

Tying her hair back roughly, Sadie went downstairs to find Sol seated at the dining table, with his mouth full and a delicious smell of...

‘Is that pancakes?’

Sol swallowed his mouthful with comic facial expressions and said, ‘Papa made them—they’re amazing.’

Quin was behind the kitchen island in a T-shirt, avoiding direct eye contact with Sadie. Her face grew hot just remembering the previous night...

Sol addressed his father. ‘Papa, can Mom have pancakes too?’

Sadie’s heart stopped and Quin’s hands stopped. Now he looked at her, but she couldn’t read his expression. She looked at her son, who had no idea what he’d just done by calling her Mom for the first time.

Sol looked from her undoubtedly shocked face to Quin. ‘What’s wrong?’

Quin recovered first, saying briskly, ‘Of course she can—and you can have one more and then you need to change for the match.’

A lock of Sol’s hair fell forward and he pushed it back. ‘Stupid hair... It’s getting in my eyes, Papa.’

‘You need a trim. We can find a barber shop here later on.’

‘I can cut his hair,’ Sadie offered, without thinking. She’d used to cut kids’ hair all the time.

Sol’s eyes bugged. ‘You can cut hair?’

Sadie nodded. ‘I’m a hairdresser...among other things.’

Jill of all trades... She’d had to be to blend into different places.

‘Wow! Papa, did you hear that? She can cut my hair. That’s so cool!’

Quin was looking at her. ‘Are you sure?’

Sadie shrugged. ‘Of course. We can do it after breakfast if there’s time. It won’t take long.’

‘Yes, please. Papa! Can I? Then my hair won’t get in the way when I’m playing football.’

Quin shrugged too. ‘Sure.’

They had breakfast, Quin serving up more fluffy, light pancakes with fruit and syrup...fragrant coffee. But it was as if last night hadn’t happened. For her own sanity Sadie knew she needed to talk to him about it, and what she’d said yesterday, to see if there was any hope at all for them. For a future.

She had to know, because she needed to be able to move on and carve out an existence for herself if Quin really didn’t see her in his future.

She took Sol up to the bathroom after breakfast and sat him in a chair, with a towel around his shoulders. Luckily she’d got used to carrying her hairdresser’s kit with her, because it was always an easy means to make money.

Sol was looking at her in the mirror with wide eyes, as if fascinated by this creature who was also his mother. She gave him the smallest of buzz cuts around his ears, and then trimmed and styled his hair into a baby Mohican, like the one she’d seen on his favourite football player.

Sol looked at himself. ‘I can’t wait to show Joao!’

Sadie took off the towel and shook it out over the bath, and then Sol threw his arms around her waist and buried his head in her belly.

He looked up. ‘You’re so cool, Mom.’

Sadie said carefully, ‘You don’t have to call me Mom yet, if it feels weird.’

He shook his head. ‘I waited for you for a long time.’

Sadie’s heart split open at this unwittingly poignant assessment, but before she could respond Sol was gone again, saying, ‘I have to get changed for the match.’

Sadie sat down on the chair she’d used to cut Sol’s hair. She had to force herself to remember that it had only been a couple of weeks since she’d come back into Quin’s and Sol’s lives. Surely this sensation of being on a rollercoaster wouldn’t last for ever?

She could hear Quin shouting up the stairs. ‘Come on, Sol. Joao will be wondering where you are.’

‘I’m coming!’

Even that banal domestic exchange was enough to send her insides swooping with emotion again.

When she’d cleaned up, and felt a bit more together, she went downstairs to find Quin tidying up. Sol had obviously gone to get his friend.

He glanced up. ‘Thank you for cutting his hair. He loves it.’

Sadie felt self-conscious. ‘Kids that age love a buzz cut.’ She could feel the tension in the air and blurted out, ‘Look, about last night—’

Quin cut her off. ‘I shouldn’t have let it happen.’ He put down a plate and looked at her. ‘I think the shock of seeing you again, and the fact that the chemistry is still there, has blurred the boundaries... But it’s not fair on you, me or Sol. He’ll get confused if he senses that we’re...together.’

Now Sadie felt guilty.

But Quin said, ‘It’s not your fault.’

The unspoken words were very clear. He was blaming himself for being weak.

‘I was the one who had the nightmare. I asked you to stay.’

Begged. Her face grew hot.

A muscle in his jaw popped. ‘I could have controlled myself better. I think it was a mistake coming here... I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to stay. You’ve been established now as Sol’s mother, so there’s no real need to keep up any pretence that we’re together.’

Sadie went cold all over. ‘If this is because I told you I loved you... Don’t ruin your holiday because of me. I can go back to Sao Paulo.’

He looked at her, and then he said, ‘That might be for the best. We need to put down some new boundaries. I can arrange transport.’

Sadie’s insides were plummeting into a deep void of pain. So this was it. The briefest of fraught honeymoons was over. She chastised herself. She’d known that they needed to talk about this. She just hadn’t been prepared for Quin’s brutally rapid response and rejection.

‘No,’ she said, feeling sick. ‘I can go to the bus station and get the bus.’

His gaze narrowed on her. ‘Is that what you did that day?’

Sadie’s gut churned. ‘Yes.’ And then, before the past could reach out its tentacles to poison the present even more, she asked, ‘Is there no chance at all of us trying...to be a family?’

An expression somewhere between anger and pain flashed across Quin’s face. ‘I grieved for you, Sadie,’ he said roughly. ‘I’ve never grieved for anyone in my life—not even my own mother. But I grieved for you. And I won’t ever risk that kind of hurt or loss again.’

Sadie’s heart ached. ‘I love you, Quin, and I never want you to be hurt again. I never wanted to hurt you in the first place. You gave me the only sense of belonging and home that I’ve ever had. You are my home. You are my world. You are everything that I love and adore, and I will never, ever leave you and Sol again if you give me a chance.’

Sadie stopped talking. She was raw.

Quin just looked at her, and she could see the pain in his eyes. The pain she had put there. The pain she feared was insurmountable.

And he confirmed it when he shook his head. ‘No, I can’t do it, Sadie.’

She couldn’t breathe. And then, in the distance, she heard Sol’s excited voice, and suddenly knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it together if he saw her.

So she said, ‘I’ll go upstairs and start packing. Just tell Sol I had to go back early.’

Quin nodded. ‘I’ll be gone for the day too.’

So this was it.

Sadie looked at Quin, feeling as if her heart was being ripped out of her chest, still beating. It was agony, being sent away like this, but she couldn’t argue with him. Sol had to come first, and if there was any danger of him getting too attached, and then confused by their actions, Sadie would never forgive herself.

The last four years had strengthened her in ways that she was only appreciating now. She could do this. She had no choice.

‘Goodbye, Quin.’

His face was like stone. ‘We’ll discuss what happens next back in Sao Paulo.’