CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER TWELVE

Q UIN ’ S VERY brITTLE sense of satisfaction lasted until about half-time in the football game—not that he’d been able to focus on it up to that point. All he could see in his mind’s eye was the pale set to Sadie’s face and the pleading look in her eyes for his understanding when she’d disappeared before Sol returned.

And then the look of abject disappointment on Sol’s face when she hadn’t been there.

Quin had felt like the lowest of the low, knowing he was hurting his son, but if anything Sol’s disappointment only proved that he was doing the right thing in setting down boundaries.

He pictured her now, getting on the bus to Sao Paulo, repeating the journey she’d taken that fateful day four years ago.

And suddenly the flimsy, brittle facade of control he’d been clinging on to fell apart like shards of glass falling out of a window frame, cutting him so deep that he realised this was the first time he’d felt such pain in four years.

The kind of pain he’d thought he’d avoid because he was in control here.

Hadn’t he’d just demonstrated that by sending Sadie away? Before she could leave again and rip his heart out and tear it to pieces.

But it hadn’t worked. Because he was no more in control of his pain now than he’d been in control of anything since he’d laid eyes on her again and his life had been spun off its axis—much like the way it had when he’d first laid eyes on her.

She’d told him she loved him. That she’d never stopped. Her words had been lying in wait inside him and were now detonating like bombs, intensifying that pain, mocking him for believing that he was impenetrable.

Quin felt as if he was unravelling at the seams. Cracking open. Losing his bearings. Everything he’d clung to for the past four years was dissolving and being replaced with a vast abyss, into which he was falling with nothing to grab on to.

Suddenly he knew what he had to do. He felt wild, desperate. Urgent.

It was half-time. Sol was there in front of him. ‘Did you see the goal I nearly got? I wish Mom was here—maybe then I would have scored.’

Quin knelt down on one knee. He said, ‘There’s something I need to go and do, so I’m going to arrange for you to go home with Joao afterwards. Is that okay?’

Looking wise beyond his years, but also very much like a little boy who had just got his mother back, he said, ‘If it’s to do with Mom then, yes, that’s okay.’

Quin kissed his son and made a phone call. He left the football ground and went straight to the bus station.

But the bus to Sao Paulo had already left.

He felt sick. He’d just put Sadie through the cruelty of repeating the horrific journey she’d made when she’d left them, all because Quin was determined to beat her with the stick of his mother’s sins. And his own cowardice.

Enough. It was time to move on.

All he could think of to do now, though, was to go back to the house. He would have time to think while Sol was with his friend.

When he got back to the house he stopped at the door, the pain in his chest intensifying. He knew he was about to walk into an empty house. And this time he couldn’t blame Sadie for leaving because he was the one who had engineered this painful re-enactment.

He deserved every ounce of pain he was feeling.

He opened the door and went inside, steeling himself for the house to be empty. And it was. But then Quin noticed that the door leading out to the porch was open, the warm sea breeze making the curtains move.

He frowned. He was sure he’d closed the door, but maybe Sol had run back out to get something just before they’d left.

He went over and stopped on the threshold. Because someone was outside, standing at the railing. Sadie. Here. Not gone. Was he hallucinating? Conjuring her up? Like he had so many times in the past? Like in the dreams he’d had?

She turned around and saw him. Her eyes were huge and suspiciously red. She shook her head and said brokenly, ‘I’m so sorry, but I just...couldn’t get on the bus. I couldn’t do it, Quin. I couldn’t take that journey again...away from here, away from you and Sol.’

Quin closed his eyes for a second and sent up a silent promise to every deity that he would spend his lifetime atoning for this if he was lucky enough to get the chance.

He moved forward and touched Sadie. She was real.

He pulled her into his arms and said, ‘I’m so sorry for doing that to you...please forgive me.’

Sadie revelled in the way Quin was holding her for a long moment, not daring to breathe in case this was a cruel mirage and he disappeared. But he felt so solid, and his heart was beating so steadily. Maybe a tiny bit fast.

She knew she should pull away before she dared to hope... anything . But Quin was the one to put his hands on her arms and put some distance between them. She couldn’t look at him. She was sure she must be a sight. She hadn’t stopped crying since she’d let the bus go, anticipating Quin’s anger that she was still here. But he didn’t seem angry.

He tipped up her chin and she had to look at him. There was an expression on his face that she hadn’t seen since they’d met again. Open. Contrite.

He said, ‘I need to say some things, okay?’

Sadie just nodded. Quin led her over to one of the recliner chairs and gently pushed her down. She welcomed it; her legs were like jelly. He stayed standing, then he moved away and stood with his back to the railing and the view.

He looked at her and said, ‘When my mother left, I blamed myself.’

Sadie wanted to go to him, but she was aware of the fragility of this moment. ‘You were only a toddler.’

‘Yes, I was only a baby. But I remember holding on to her, begging her not to go. Crying. Afterwards I thought it was my fault because I’d been too emotional, too overwrought, so after that it became habitual for me to ignore my emotions and to compartmentalise things.’

‘And then you came along,’ he went on, ‘and with one look at you, before we’d even spoken, I felt every single wall I’d built up inside me to keep me safe start crumbling to pieces.’

Sadie felt shy. ‘I was a nobody...’

Quin shook his head. ‘No. You were amazing.’

Hope sparked inside Sadie, but she tried not to let it bloom. ‘But then I lost my memory... I didn’t even know who I was.’

Quin’s mouth tipped up. ‘You were probably more authentically you precisely because you had no memory of who you were. You weren’t like any woman I’d ever met. There was no artifice. No games. Everything you felt showed on your face. You found joy in everything. It was so obvious that you loved me—’

‘Stop!’ Sadie ducked her head, letting her hair fall down.

But Quin came over and sat down near her. He took her hands and made sure she was looking at him before he said, ‘I couldn’t help falling fathoms deep in love with you. It would have taken a force stronger than I was capable of to resist you.’

Sadie bit her lip and then said, ‘I wasn’t sure if you ever had loved me.’

Quin’s gaze was on her mouth, then it moved up to her eyes. ‘More than I’d loved anyone else in my life. I hadn’t truly loved before, and it was only when you left that I realised how much you’d changed me. It compounded my feeling of betrayal. I felt so naked...exposed.’

Sadie tensed. Nothing had changed. She pulled back from his hands. ‘I can’t keep apologising, Quin—

But he stopped her words as he reached for her and covered her mouth with his. Surprise and shock made her go still.

He pulled back. ‘I don’t want you to apologise ever again. You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s only now that I’m a father that I can appreciate the selfless bravery it took for you to do what you did. And you shame me—because I’m not sure if I could have done it.’

Sadie was confused. ‘Quin...what?’

‘If anyone owes apologies, it’s me.’

‘But you didn’t do anything.’

Quin let out a short, harsh sound and stood up from the seat. He went back to the porch railing. Sadie got up too and went to stand beside him. He wouldn’t look at her.

‘I let you clean my house, Sadie...’

‘I offered to clean. I wanted to feel useful.’

He looked at her and she saw the shame in his eyes.

‘You offered to clean because I made you feel like an unwanted guest.’

‘You were shocked to see me.’

Quin let out another harsh sound, half a laugh and half something else. Anguish. ‘Why did you let me treat you like that?’

‘Because I was finally back with you and my son. And, frankly, cleaning a bathroom was nothing compared to what I’d endured for four years. I was willing to do anything to absolve the horrible guilt I felt.’

Quin took her by the hand again and led her over to the recliner, sitting down and pulling her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her. Sadie knew something momentous was happening, but she was too afraid to call it what it was. It didn’t necessarily mean what she hoped it meant.

Nevertheless, she let herself melt into him, his strong, powerful body holding hers. She felt the ever-present hum of desire between them, but she also felt something infinitely deeper that transcended desire. After a long moment he spoke, and she could feel his chest rumbling under her cheek.

‘The whole time I told myself I was hating you, I still loved you. The whole time I told myself I should never have trusted you, I was really angry for trusting myself—for letting myself fall so hard for a woman who would cruelly re-enact the worst betrayal I’d ever experienced.’

Sadie opened her mouth—but, as if reading her mind, Quin put a finger to her lips.

‘I have to say this,’ he said. ‘That was just a tragic coincidence, but I clung to it for four years, because hating you and blaming you was easier than admitting how much I loved you and how hurt I was. It helped me survive, I’m ashamed to say.’

Sadie tipped her head back and looked up at him. ‘I’m sure I would have done the same.’

Quin looked down at her and shook his head. ‘No way. You weren’t cynical, like me. I’d forgotten how cynical I was—I thought that was your fault too. Believe me, anything I could have blamed you for I latched on to it like a drowning man to a buoy in the middle of the ocean.’

‘If it helped you survive, then I don’t mind.’

Quin’s fingers traced her jaw and his mouth quirked. ‘No, you wouldn’t. Because you’re a far better person than me, Sadie Ryan.’

Sadie’s heart hitched. She came up higher and rested her hand on Quin’s chest. The way he was holding her...the things he was saying...she was too afraid to let this go further if his endgame was still to send her away.

‘What are you saying? Do you still want me to leave?’

His jaw tightened, and then he said, ‘Have you not noticed that since the moment you appeared in front of me in New York I pretty much haven’t let you out of my sight? And that we were in bed again within days?’

‘Yes...but—’

‘And that when I do send you away I last for approximately three hours before my world implodes and I have to get you back? I went to the bus station and the bus had gone...’ He shook his head. ‘I’ll never forgive myself for making you do that.’

Sadie caught his hand and kissed it. ‘But I didn’t go. I’m here.’

Quin’s eyes looked suspiciously bright. ‘That’s because you’re brave and loving and kind and—’

She stopped his words with her mouth, and when she pulled back she said, ‘I was too scared to get on the bus—afraid that if I did, something would happen and I’d never see you again...or Sol.’

Quin pulled her close again. ‘Thank God for that.’ He cupped her jaw. ‘And you are an amazing mother—you protected him, and me, by risking your own life.’ A shudder went through his body and he said, ‘Jesus, Sadie, if anything had happened to you...’

She put her hands on his chest. ‘It didn’t. And the danger is gone. We’re free now.’

Quin took one of her hands and held it to him. With emotion thick in his throat he said, ‘I love you, Sadie...can you forgive me?’

The emotion she’d been so carefully holding back threatened to burst like a dam. ‘Forgive you for what?’

‘For being so hard on you...for asking you to leave...’

Tears pricked Sadie’s eyes. ‘Forgiven, my love.’

He smiled. ‘Say that again.’

Sadie smiled too, and it was wobbly. ‘Which bit?’

His eyes flashed. ‘You know.’

She kissed him and then pulled back. ‘My love...’

‘I love you too—so much. And if you’ll let me I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much.’

Quin lowered his head to hers, sealing his words with a kiss that was so tender, and so full of all the longing Sadie had lived with for four years, that emotion ran over and leaked out of her eyes.

When they stopped kissing, Quin wiped her tears away. He said, ‘No more tears, okay?’

Sadie half chuckled. ‘I’ll try my best.’

They sat in harmonious silence for a long time, watching the afternoon turn into evening and dusk. Eventually Sadie asked where Sol was, and Quin told her he was sleeping over at his friend’s.

He stood up and held out his hand. She put her hand into his and let him lead her up to the bedroom as the dusk disappeared into the moonlight outside and the waves lapped against the shore.

They made love and talked and drifted into a doze, before making love again and finally falling into sleep.

When Quin woke he looked up and saw Sadie standing on the balcony with a sheet around her, watching the sunrise. He got up and went over to her, naked, and she leant back into his embrace. For the first time in four years he felt whole again. At peace.

She looked up at him and smiled. ‘Come for a walk?’

He nodded. ‘Anywhere, any time.’

They’d used to say that to each other. She’d stop him working on his laptop and say, ‘Come for a walk?’ and he would take one look at her and say, ‘Anywhere...any time.’

They showered and got dressed and then walked along the shore, hand in hand, close together, not even speaking, just letting the moment wash over them and through them, healing all the pain and loss that they’d endured for four years.

They walked all the way to the end and then started back. Other people were on the beach now, jogging or walking their dogs before the heat of the day set in. There were some early surfers.

About halfway back, Sadie stopped. ‘This is where we got married.’

Quin looked to the spot where she was pointing. ‘How do you know?’

‘Because it was the best day of my life, and thinking about it sustained me every day for the last four years. I can remember Sol kicking in my belly as we were making our vows.’

Quin turned to face her, pulling her close. He smiled. ‘I remember him kicking too...and I remember how we celebrated.’

Sadie blushed and buried her head in Quin’s chest. He smiled at the memory. She’d been very...amorous in her pregnancy.

He lifted her chin with his finger and she looked up at him. Such joy filled him that it almost scared him with its intensity. Had last night really happened?

As if reading his mind, Sadie whispered, ‘I’m afraid this isn’t real. That this is just a dream.’

Quin pushed the doubts and fears away. No more. ‘It’s real. We’re here, together again. Please reassure me that no matter what happens in the future we’ll deal with it together, as a team.’

Sadie smiled. ‘I promise.’

‘And will you marry me? Officially?’ The words flowed out of Quin’s mouth.

Sadie didn’t skip a beat. ‘Of course.’

‘How about we go and get our son and have breakfast, and then start living the rest of our lives together?’

Sadie’s eyes were suspiciously bright. ‘I’d really like that.’

So they went to get their son—who squealed when he saw Sadie and ran straight into her arms. They held a hand each as they walked back to their beach house while Sol chattered happily. They looked at each other over his head and smiled, and then they did start living their lives again...together for ever, in love and at peace.