Chapter Two

Josie

“You look amazing.” She does. It’s not a lie, or a platitude. Lexi’s lost all the weight she gained when she was pregnant and has returned to her former slim build. That said, her bump was tiny. I can remember thinking, when she came for that last visit – the one when she went into labor – that she didn’t look more than six months pregnant, and if I hadn’t been counting every painful moment since she broke the news of her pregnancy, I’d have doubted she was due to give birth.

Of course, she did… that very weekend, and the evidence is now cradled in her arms, the two of them standing just inside my apartment.

“Thanks.” We both look down at Maisie, who’s gazing up at me, like the stranger I am. She looks nothing like her mom, whose hair is a shade or two blonder than mine, and who has pale blue eyes. Instead, she has Drew’s coloring, although Maisie’s dark hair isn’t as thick as his, and she has the beginnings of a very cute curl at the ends. At the moment, her eyes are a startling blue, but they could still change to be more like her father’s… more like that rich milk chocolate color I remember so well. “She’s been asleep for the last couple of hours.”

“Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?”

Lexi smiles. “It’s a good thing. It means she won’t be too grumpy when I give her a bath, and you’ll be able to spend some time with her before she goes to bed.”

I nod my head, trying to look enthusiastic. I know I should want to be with my niece, especially as this is the first time I’ve seen her since she was born, but it’s hard not to feel jealous.

We move further into the apartment and Lexi puts down the diaper bag that’s slung over her shoulder, letting it rest on the end of the couch, before she turns to me.

“I need to grab Maisie’s things from the car. Do you wanna take her for me?”

I’d rather run down to the car and fetch whatever Lexi needs. Frankly, I’d rather do almost anything than hold Drew’s baby, but I can’t say that, and I can’t decline, either. She’ll think I don’t care… and I do. I’m just finding this hard.

“Sure.”

She places Maisie in my arms, kissing her forehead.

“Mommy won’t be a minute. You be a good girl for Aunty Josie.”

She gives me a wink and a smile, then rushes to the door, letting herself out.

I stare after her, hoping she won’t be long, but then Maisie wriggles in my arms, and I look down at her.

“Hi,” I whisper, and she frowns, her forehead creasing. “Please don’t cry.” She stops pulling faces, listening to the sound of my voice, I think, and then she raises her hands, bringing them together, as she smiles, melting my heart, but somehow breaking it at the same time.

Tears well in my eyes and although I try to stop them from falling, I can’t. This is so much harder than I’d expected, but maybe that’s because it’s not just about Drew. I swallow down the lump in my throat. Dammit .

I thought I’d put this behind me… gotten used to the idea that this kind of thing isn’t for me.

Except it seems not.

I bend awkwardly, grabbing a Kleenex from the box on the coffee table, and dab at my eyes, which seems to confuse Maisie, and her smile fades while she watches me.

“It’s okay,” I whisper. “I’m just being silly… wanting what I can’t have.” That frown wrinkles her brow again, only this time, she yawns, and I have to say, it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. “Are you still tired?” She stares up at me and I brush my finger down her soft cheek. “You’re very beautiful, you know?” Her smile returns and I chuckle. Did she know I was talking about her? I guess she must have done. Despite all my good intentions, it’s impossible not to fall in love with her, and even though it hurts my heart to do it, I let her in.

The knocking at the door makes Maisie startle and I hold her a little closer. “It’s okay. It’s just Mommy.” I wander over, opening the door and stare in shock at the amount of bags and equipment Lexi’s carrying.

“Are you okay?” she asks as she comes in and dumps everything at the end of the couch.

“Sure. Why do you ask?”

“It’s just you look like you’ve been crying.” I don’t answer and after just a second or two, she comes over. “Sorry, Josie. I should have been more sensitive. It wasn’t fair of me to thrust Maisie at you, when you can’t…”

“It’s okay,” I say, before she goes any further. I don’t need reminding of my inadequacies, and I make a point of looking down at all the things she just brought in with her, in the hope she’ll let me change the subject. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but how long are you staying?”

She turns, smiling. “Just the one night,” she says, shrugging her shoulders as she takes Maisie from me, and looks down at her, kissing her forehead again. “Who’d have thought someone this small could need so many things and take up so much space?”

“What’s that?” I point to a dark gray case. It’s a little under two feet square and roughly six inches deep.

“That’s the travel crib.”

Travel crib? I hadn’t even realized Maisie would need one. I guess that just goes to show what I know.

“Shall I set it up in the guest room?” I ask.

“No, don’t worry. It only takes about thirty seconds.”

Maisie makes a grizzling sound, and Lexi looks down at her. “What’s wrong?” I ask, none the wiser.

“She’s hungry.” I’m not sure how Lexi knows that, but I guess experience counts for a lot.

“Do you need me to do anything?”

“No, it’s fine. I brought some pre-made formula, just for tonight and tomorrow. It’s easier than mixing it up.”

“I see.”

She looks over at me as she wrestles with one of the bags, and I step closer, helping her open it.

“I gave up trying to breastfeed. It wasn’t for me.” I nod my head as she finds the carton of formula and hands it over, along with a bottle. “Can you measure out five ounces for me?”

“Sure.” I go over to the kitchen area and stand at the end of the breakfast bar, doing as instructed, holding up the bottle to check the measurement. “Where do I put the rest of the formula?”

“In the refrigerator.”

“Okay.”

Once it’s safely tucked away, I return with the bottle and hand it to Lexi, who’s now relaxing in the corner of my pale gray couch. I sit down, watching as she feeds her daughter, who’s certainly hungry, and takes to her bottle like she’s been starved for a week, gazing up into her mommy’s eyes.

I’m fascinated by the bond, but I’m also still intrigued by Lexi’s plans, and rather than sitting in silence, I decide to ask her outright why she’s coming back to Boston after she’s been to Newport. Maybe it’s because we’re sitting so close together, or because I’m studying her while she feeds Maisie, but I can’t fail to notice the blush creeping over her face when she looks up at me.

“I—I’ve met someone,” she says.

I don’t know what I expected, but this wasn’t it, and I struggle to hide my surprise.

“You have?”

“Yeah.” She smiles, her eyes lighting up. “He’s perfect, Josie. He’s everything I ever wanted, and never thought I’d have… not now.” She glances down at Maisie and her blush deepens. “Don’t get me wrong, I love every hair on her head, but I’ll admit, there was a time when I thought I’d never be with a man again.”

That’s a feeling I know only too well, and I nod my head. “Does he live in Boston?” To start with, that question makes sense, but as I finish saying it, I realize how silly I’m being. If he lived here, she’d probably be staying with him tonight, and not me.

She shakes her head, proving me right. “He’s not even American. He’s Spanish.”

“But he lives here, right?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s his name?” I ask.

“Manuel.”

She’s being a little cagey, and I want to know why.

“What does he do?”

“He’s a model. I first met him a couple of years ago when we worked together on a photo shoot in Tahiti, and our paths have crossed a few times since.”

“Professionally?”

“Oh, yeah. There was nothing between us… until now.”

“So what changed?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know, really. He’d been working in Europe for a while and we bumped into each other at a party and got talking and…”

“One thing led to another?”

She smiles. “You could say that.”

“Does he know about Maisie?”

“Of course. I’d left her with a babysitter on the night of the party, but I told him all about her.”

“That night?”

“Yeah. I had to be honest with him.”

“How did he react?”

“He was fine about it. He wanted to know about Maisie’s father, so I explained what had happened with Drew and how things are set up between us now.”

“Does Drew know about Manuel?”

She looks a little embarrassed. “I’m going to tell him tomorrow when I collect him from the airport.”

“And how does Manuel feel about you going down to Newport and staying with your ex?”

She stares at me for a moment, blinking. “He’s not entirely happy about it, to be honest… and that’s one of the reasons we’re thinking of moving to Boston.”

She’s moving here? I don’t know how I feel about the idea of my sister and my niece living nearby, although that’s not the biggest bombshell. “We?”

“Yeah.”

“So Manuel would move here with you?”

“Of course. If we do this, we’d be buying somewhere together.”

I can’t help the slight cough that escapes my lips. “Together? How long have you been with this guy?”

She frowns. “Four weeks.”

“Four weeks? And you’re talking about buying an apartment together?”

“Why not? He’s practically living at my place, anyway.” I shake my head, and her frown turns into a glare. “Can I take it you disapprove?”

“It’s not my place to approve or disapprove, but I think you should have run it by Drew first.”

“Why? We’re not together. I can do what I like with my life. I don’t ask him what he does, so what right does he…?”

I hold my hand up and she stops talking… the thought of Drew with another woman filtering through my head, unbidden, crushing my already broken heart.

“I—I’m not saying you’re not both free agents, and that you can’t do whatever you want.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“That if another man is living with his daughter, Drew has a right to know.”

She blushes again. “Manuel doesn’t actually live with me. H—He just stays over a lot. And, in any case, like I said, I’m gonna tell Drew all about it tomorrow. I’ll sweeten it by telling him Manuel and I will be moving to Boston soon, and he’ll be able to see more of Maisie that way.” She glances down at her daughter. “He can have her stay over at his place, if he wants.”

I notice that even she thinks the deal needs ‘sweetening’. “So this move is definite, then?”

“It is if we can find somewhere to live.”

“Is Manuel gonna come look at apartments with you?”

She shakes her head. “No. He’s working in Arizona at the moment, so I’m gonna look around and see what’s available, and if I find something I like, we’ll come back and take another look together.”

“What about your father? How does he feel about this?”

He lives in New York and as far as I know, he has done all his life. I’m intrigued by how he’s going to respond to his precious daughter moving away. I imagine he’ll do everything he can to stop her. That’s the kind of man he is. He’s all about power, and he’s good at wielding it.

“I’ve got no idea. We’re not talking.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. You remember me saying how badly he reacted when I told him I was pregnant?”

“Of course, although you never said why.”

She shakes her head. “Because he didn’t give me a logical explanation. He just flew into a rage. I wondered if it was something to do with my mother. She died giving birth, and I thought maybe he was worried the same thing was gonna happen to me.”

“You don’t think that would have made him concerned, rather than angry?”

“Probably.”

“Did you try talking to him?”

“He wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say. Even when I told him Drew could provide for us, and that it wasn’t gonna cost him a dime…” Her voice falters and she swallows hard.

“Surely when Maisie was born, though…”

She sighs. “I know,” she says. “I hoped he’d come around then. Although why I thought he’d change his mind, I don’t know. You remember how stubborn he is? Still, I sent him a picture of her, and text messages asking him to call.”

“And did he?”

“No. I—I’m still waiting to hear from him.”

“I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head. “It’s his loss. He’s the one who’s missing out.” Her words sound good, but I can tell he’s hurt her.

That’s something else he excels at… hurting people.

Maisie finishes her milk and Lexi puts the bottle on the table in front of us, sitting up slightly. As she does, her daughter lets out an enormous belch, and we both laugh, which helps lighten the oppressive atmosphere a little.

Thank God…

Maisie had her bath a while ago, and then Lexi took her into the guest bedroom so she could have some quiet time, before she put her down to sleep in the travel crib. It’s a little tight on space in there, but she reassured me it would be fine, and I left her to it.

“She’s gone to sleep at last,” she says, coming out and closing the door quietly behind her.

I’m putting the finishing touches to our dinner, which is just a simple salad, made from roasted butternut squash, apples, pecans and cranberries, served with mixed leaves and feta cheese, and an orange vinaigrette. After Lexi’s call last night, I spent ages trying to decide what to serve, knowing from experience that she adheres to a strict diet, limits her proteins and carbs, and although she’s not a vegetarian, might as well be. I look up as I put the salad bowl on the breakfast bar, alongside the dishes, wine glasses and silverware.

“The travel crib was really simple to put together. Did you buy that just to come here? Or do you use it at Drew’s place?”

She sits down and I copy her, pushing the salad bowl in her direction and watching as she helps herself to a small portion. “No, Maisie has a fully equipped nursery in Newport.”

“So you bought the crib just to come here?”

She blushes as I dish up my salad, taking considerably more than she did. “No. I have friends I sometimes stay over with, and once or twice we’ve slept at Manuel’s place.”

“Oh.”

She picks up her fork, but then puts it straight back down again and turns to me. “I know this isn’t ideal, but nothing in this situation is ideal, is it?” she says.

“No.” It certainly isn’t… not when I’m in love with Maisie’s father. I turn away to hide my blushes. “I’m not judging you, Lexi.”

“Good… because I didn’t ask for this any more than Drew did. And if I’m being honest, I think we’re doing okay. As dysfunctional families go, I think we’re better than most… and before you say anything, I know most of that is down to Drew. He’s an amazing father.”

I turn back again. “I’m sure he is, and I wasn’t going to say anything.”

She sighs, shaking her head. “D—Do you think we could try to be friends?” she says, surprising me.

“Friends? We’re step-sisters.”

“I know, but we’ve never acted like it, have we?”

I can’t deny that. “No. I guess not.”

She leans a little closer, nudging in to me. “I’ll always be grateful you were there for me when I found out I was pregnant. After Dad reacted the way he did, I had no-one else to turn to, and even though Drew stepped up, I relied on you, Josie. I don’t think you know how much. Please don’t think I’m ungrateful for what you did. I—I’m sorry I didn’t stay in touch after Maisie was born, but… well, life’s complicated.”

It’s a lot more complicated than she thinks. “I know.”

She smiles. “It’s just, if I’m gonna move here, it’d be nice to think we could see more of each other, maybe build a relationship? We never really tried before, did we?”

“When we were growing up, you mean?”

“Yeah,” she says.

“I guess we never spent that much time together.”

She smiles. “No. You were always too busy with horse riding and martial arts.”

I chuckle, recalling the long-forgotten interests of my youth. “Yeah… and you were only interested in ballet and dance classes.”

“God… yeah. I was obsessed.”

“You looked great in a tutu, though.”

She laughs, although it quickly fades, and she stares at me for a moment. “Of course, everything changed, didn’t it, when…”

“When I got sick?”

“Yeah.” She moves her hand closer to mine, although I don’t think she expects me to take it. “I didn’t approve of what my dad did,” she says in a quiet whisper. “I thought he treated your mom really badly.”

“He’d never treated her well, Lexi.”

“No. He’s not the easiest of people. I—I guess he was jealous of the time she spent with you.”

“I was in the hospital. What did he want her to do? Abandon me?”

She pulls her hand away, holding it up. “I’m not trying to excuse him, or what he did.”

“He broke her heart.” I can hear the crack in my voice and I cough to cover it. “When she found out about his affair, on top of everything else she had to cope with, it was… it was too much for her.”

Lexi nods her head and I look down at my plate of untouched food, my appetite gone as I recall those dark days of my illness and the aftermath. My mom had thought life had thrown its worst at her when her boyfriend abandoned her after she told him she was pregnant with me. My illness knocked her sideways, hitting her harder still. Lexi’s father had never been the kindest of men. He had a temper and could say the cruelest of things when riled, but I don’t think Mom ever believed he was capable of such deception.

Except, it seems, he was.

And it broke her.

In my opinion, it killed her… and although none of that was Lexi’s fault, it’s hard to forgive her father for what he did.

Neither of us ate very much last night, and after we’d cleared away, Lexi said she was tired and went to bed. I didn’t blame her. The atmosphere between us was too frosty for words.

I came to bed myself, unwilling to do anything that might make a noise and wake Maisie, although I struggled to sleep, unable to forget our conversations, and rid my mind of all those memories of my mom and her dad, and my illness… and Drew.

I heard Maisie wake in the early hours, and I listened as Lexi fumbled around in the kitchen. For a while, I contemplated getting up and offering to help, but the noises quietened down after a few minutes and I settled back into bed, and eventually, I guess I must have drifted off to sleep…

My shift is due to start at eight, and I check my watch. I’ve only got a few minutes until I need to leave, and I pull on my jacket as I swallow down the last of my coffee, looking over at the couch, where Lexi is sitting, feeding Maisie, who’s wearing light blue leggings and a white t-shirt, that has a dolphin on the front. She looks adorable, and I know I need to take my chance. They’ll be gone by the time I get back this evening. I need to say something… to make up for the awful tone there’s been between Lexi and me.

“About last night,” Lexi says, looking up at me, and I put down my cup. She beat me to it.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry if I said anything that upset you.”

“You didn’t. It’s just the memories of Mom.”

She nods her head. “I know. But do you think we could put all that behind us? I’d really like for us to be friends.”

I wander over and sit beside her. “I’d like that, too.”

She isn’t her father. She might look like him in a certain light, but she isn’t him. Memories of the fights between him and my mom are just that… memories. It’s too late to change any of it now.

“We’ll agree not to talk about my dad, shall we?” she says.

“I think that might be wise.” I smile. It wasn’t just his affair, it was the way he used to shout at mom, the way he’d sometimes belittle her to make him feel better about himself. I used to hear him doing it, putting her down and calling her names, and I’d run and hide, vowing silently that I’d never let a man do that to me.

Lexi and I have never talked about it, and we probably never will, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt the same. She must have heard them fighting, too… and even though he was her father, I can’t believe she felt good about what he was doing.

That’s all in the past, though. It’s another country, and we need to leave it behind us… not just the ancient past with her father, but the more recent past with Drew. She knows nothing about that, but it’s time I came to terms with the fact that nothing can ever happen between us. I’ll always love him, but I can’t see any way for us to be together… not now.

“I’ll call and let you know when I’m coming back from Newport.”

“Okay.”

“And I’ll leave the travel crib here, if that’s okay with you?”

“Sure.” I check my watch. “God… I’m gonna be late.” I jump to my feet and rush to the kitchen to grab my phone, unplugging it from the charger. I don’t have time to check it, and I shove it into my jacket pocket.

“We’ll see you soon,” Lexi calls from the couch.

“Yeah. Take care, won’t you?”

“We will.”

She looks down at Maisie, who’s gazing up at her, and even though that pang of jealousy is still there, I have to smile. She’s so damn happy.

“Motherhood suits you, you know?”

She grins. “Yeah. It shocks me sometimes, how much I love her.”

I wander back over, bending down to kiss Maisie’s forehead. She glances up, her eyes locking with mine for a second, and I fight the pain in my chest… the knowledge that the only way forward is to put her father behind me, no matter how hard it is.

***