Drew
I watch Josie go, and while my heart is telling me to follow, my head is holding me back.
I want to talk to her, to tell her we’ll be okay, to reassure her that, even though I couldn’t say the words just now, I still love her, more than anything. But first, I need to be alone. I need to be sure that when I say the words, they come out right, with no anger, or frustration, or blame attached to them.
And that’s going to take some time.
“I’m gonna go for that walk.”
Hunter steps up in front of me, blocking my path. “You don’t think you should talk to Josie first?”
“No. I will talk to her… but not yet. Please, Hunter. I need to be by myself for a while.”
He nods his head, stepping aside, and I stride off, heading across the grass, away from the cottage.
Right now, there are so many thoughts and emotions rolling around inside of me. I’m mad. I’m boiling mad. But I’m also confused and scared and disappointed. Josie was right. I need to come to terms with the information I’ve been given before I can do anything else.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I put one foot in front of the other, and I keep on doing that, the steady, monotonous rhythm giving order to my thoughts.
First and foremost, I’m a father.
The little girl whose picture is in my house, is my daughter. She’s not my niece, and I guess, when I think about it, that makes sense. I would have pictures of my own child, wouldn’t I? And while I might not have any memory of her, I know she’s beautiful, with a shock of dark hair and the clearest of blue eyes. I try to picture myself holding her, but I can’t. It’s an alien feeling, but I guess it’s one I’ll have to get used to.
Because she’s mine.
I also have a sister. Ella. And I’m an uncle, too. That’s not quite such a shock. I believed myself to be an uncle already, to the baby who, it seems, is my own.
My baby…
I shake my head, struggling to get my head around the idea that I have a child… that there’s a small person on this planet for whom I’m responsible.
It’s strange. I told Josie I wanted us to have children together, and I meant every word. I was excited at the prospect of the two of us becoming parents, even though I thought we’d only known each other for a few days. Pictures formed in my head of a pregnant Josie lying in my arms, of me cradling her bump… our child. I imagined us holding our newborn baby between us, kissing and marveling at the life we’d created… until it all came tumbling down, when she told me she can’t have children.
Now, it seems that dream is already a reality… at least for me.
Only I don’t know what to do with it.
I don’t know what to do with Josie, either.
No… that’s not true. I know I’ll always love her, just like I loved her in the past, it seems, before all this.
But as for her deception…
There’s so much of it, it’s hard to know where fantasy ends and reality begins.
I know she was doing what the doctor told her… as was Hunter. But whether it was in my best interests, I have yet to be convinced. It doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
I still have too many unanswered questions. I’ve been given so much information, and yet there’s still more I don’t know, and while it’s okay for Josie to tell me not to think about the blanks, that’s easier said than done. Especially as the blanks feel so huge… and so vital to my understanding of who I am.
I suppose that’s the thing that worries me the most.
Who am I?
Despite everything I’ve been told, I still don’t feel any closer to knowing the answer to that. It’s been plaguing me for ages. Even before today’s revelations, I’ve wondered what kind of man I was before the accident.
The fact that I got Lexi pregnant doesn’t augur too well. Hunter may have said it wasn’t something I routinely did, but when you bear in mind, I made love with Josie countless times before I remembered I hadn’t used a condom, it doesn’t fill me with confidence. Obviously, in Lexi’s case, she was sick, and it sounds like I was unaware of that. And in Josie’s case, I wasn’t to know she couldn’t have children. I was just reckless with her safety…
Was I always like that?
Does my brother know me as well as he thinks he does?
Is he right when he says it was a first for me, or was I really an inconsiderate asshole?
Questions, questions, questions. There are so many of them.
How is that I belong here on this lovely property?
I have money, but where did it come from? And what did I used to spend it on?
Hunter confirmed I’m a photographer, but why? Why would I work, when I have all this?
I sigh, stopping, and look over at the building in the distance. I still don’t know what that’s about, either. It’s another blank.
I’m struggling to focus on anything, my thoughts drifting from one unknown detail to another. Regardless of what Josie said, I feel like I won’t be able to think straight until I’ve bridged at least some of the gaps in my past, and that being the case, I need answers.
I turn, surprised by how far I’ve walked, and start to re-trace my steps, taking them more slowly this time.
Obviously, I could go back to the cottage and speak to Josie, but it seems unlikely she’ll be able to give me the information I need. I think there’s only one person who will, and I head for the main house, hoping my brother is still feeling communicative.
He’s lying on a lounger by the pool and sits up when he hears me approach, swinging his legs around so he’s perched on the edge.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you again so soon,” he says.
“I know. But there are things I can’t work out… things I need to know.”
He nods his head and waves his arm toward the lounger beside him. “Sit down. I’ll tell you what I can.”
I do as he says, facing him, my hands resting on my knees. “I’m gonna start with a question I’ve already asked you once before.”
“Which is…?”
“What was I like? The last time I asked that, you said you couldn’t answer, but you can now. You’ve told me I didn’t have relationships. So, what was I? Some kind of player?”
He tilts his head, like he’s thinking about that description, which makes me a little uneasy. “I don’t know I’d go that far. I’d say you avoided taking things too seriously, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You were a guy, like any other guy… trying to find your way. You had your fair share of women, as did I.”
“Did I hurt anyone?”
“There were a few casualties.”
I shake my head. “I’m not sure I like the sound of who I was back then.”
“Why?”
“I hurt people.”
“In situations that couldn’t be avoided, and that weren’t necessarily of your own making.”
“Such as?”
“The one I know most about was a woman called Keira.”
“What did I do to her?”
“You dated her for a while, but then you got the chance to go to Australia on a long-term assignment and she didn’t want you to go.”
“I’m guessing I took the job?”
“Yeah. I think you were just having fun with Keira, like you did with all the other women you dated. Only she thought it was more than that. She didn’t take it well.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because she used to call me from time to time, just to talk.”
I’m liking myself even less. “Was I that serious about my career?”
“Yes.”
“But why? That’s another thing I don’t understand. You say we’re rich, and this property kinda proves that. But if that’s the case, why do I need to work?”
“You don’t need to. Like me, you choose to.”
“So you work too?”
“Yes.”
“And Ella?”
“She did, before she had Henry.”
I nod my head. “So, what did she do before she became a mom?”
“She trained as a chef and worked on a TV show as a culinary consultant. She’s also written a cookery book.”
“And you?” I ask.
“I’m the CEO of an advertising agency. It was started by our father…” He stares at me, waiting for my reaction, I guess.
“Our father? You haven’t mentioned him before.”
“No.” His eyes darken, his face clouding. “He was a hard man, and he’s one of the reasons we all choose to work.”
“What does that mean?”
He sucks in a deep breath. “It’s complicated.”
“I’m not going anywhere, and I need to know, Hunter. I need to understand where I come from… who I am. I’m struggling to get my head around being a father and a lover, because I don’t know the first thing about myself as a man.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll tell you. It’s just…”
“Just what?”
“Some of this won’t be easy to hear.”
“None of this has been a walk in the park.”
He pauses for a moment and shakes his head. “I guess not.” He leans back slightly, looking at the house, and then turns to me again. “He died nearly two and a half years ago.”
“He’s dead?”
“Yes. But don’t get upset about it. You weren’t at the time. Neither was I.”
“And Ella?”
He shakes his head. “Our father barely acknowledged any of us when he was alive. It was kinda hard to acknowledge him when he died.”
“This place was his?” I say, looking around.
“Yes. Along with the money he left us.”
“He left us some money, too?”
“Don’t you remember Josie telling you that you’re a multi-millionaire?”
“Oh, yeah.” I’d forgotten that.
“Hmm… our father left us around fifteen million dollars each.”
I cough, unable to help myself and then struggle to regain control… to breathe. “F—Fifteen million?”
“Yeah. Sorry. I probably should have prepared you for that.”
“When Josie said ‘multi-millionaire’, I thought she was exaggerating.”
“No. I don’t think she knows exactly how much you’re worth, not unless you told her when you knew her before, or you told Lexi and Lexi told her. I’ve certainly never mentioned it to her, and it’s not public knowledge as far as I’m aware.”
I shake my head, struggling to take it all in. “In that case, I’m even more confused.”
“About what?”
“Why we’d choose to work.”
“To begin with, for you and me, it was because we wanted to prove a point.”
“To whom?”
“Ourselves mostly. Our father had never given us any support, and we wanted to prove we didn’t need it… that we could make it on our own. Later, once we’d inherited, I think we carried on because we wanted to prove we were worthy of the lives we were suddenly able to live.”
I nod my head. “I see. And are we? Worthy, I mean?”
“We try to be.”
“Did we make it?” I ask, wishing I already knew the answer to that.
“Yes. Dad never saw Ella make a success of her career, but she did.”
“And me?”
He smiles. “You’re a damn talented photographer, with a great reputation, and a bank balance to match.”
“You said I worked in fashion? Or that was what I was doing when I met Lexi?”
“Yeah. It’s what you used to do. You traveled all over the world, photographing some of the most beautiful women on the planet.”
“Please tell me I didn’t sleep with them… at least, not all of them?”
He smiles. “No, you didn’t. In fact, you usually steered well clear. I think the thing with Lexi was born out of boredom.”
I’m not sure that makes me feel any better, but I don’t want to lose track of our conversation.
“Is that what I was doing in Rome? Photographing beautiful women, I mean… not sleeping with them.”
“No. That was a travel shoot, and one you didn’t want to do. After Maisie was born, you started doing more studio work, because you didn’t like being away from her. But a client asked you to go to Rome for them, and you didn’t feel like you could say ‘no’. You hated it, though, and you couldn’t wait to come home.”
“I see. And do I have a studio of my own?”
“Yes. It’s in Boston. Close to your apartment.”
“Okay. And what about you?”
“What about me?”
“You said you’re the CEO of our father’s advertising agency. Was that something you chose to do, or did he choose it for you?”
“No. As I said, he didn’t care enough about us to worry what we did. It was my decision to go into advertising, although I haven’t always worked for TBA.”
“TBA?”
“Theodore Bennett Associates. Dad named the company after himself.”
“His name was Theodore?”
“Yes.”
I delve into the recesses of my mind, but I’m not coming up with anything. “I don’t remember him.”
“I shouldn’t worry. Like I said, he wasn’t an easy man to live with.”
“He was presumably a successful one, though, if he made so much money.”
Hunter tilts his head. “The bulk of his cash didn’t come from hard work. It came from taking the company public. He did that not long after his cancer was diagnosed, and netted a small fortune.”
“So you don’t own the family firm?”
“No. That was intentional on Dad’s part. He put me in charge, but made sure I had no control. When he died, he left us his shares, so between us, we have a controlling interest, but the company is owned by all of its shareholders, not just the Bennett family.”
“Why did he do that? I mean, why did he put you in charge, but tie your hands at the same time?”
“Because that’s the kind of man he was. Not that I care anymore. Livia’s taught me that trying to work out his motives isn’t worth it. I can’t change what he did, so I don’t think about it anymore.”
I sit in silence for a moment, trying to work things out in my head. “If our father was such a terrible man, why did he leave us so much money, as well as the shares in the company and this house?”
“I don’t know. I imagine he left us the house because he didn’t know what else to do with it. It’s not as though he spent very much time here, so I doubt it had any sentimental value for him. As for the shares, I expect that was because he didn’t like the idea of TBA falling outside of Bennett hands, even if it’s no longer owned by us entirely.”
“And the money?”
“I’ve always believed that was because he expected us to give up our careers and blow it all.”
“Just like that? Did he never allow for the fact that we might enjoy what we do?”
“He never allowed for anything. I’m speculating here. In all honesty, I’ve got no idea why he did the things he did… and like I say, since I’ve met Livia, the past isn’t something I spend too much of my time dwelling on.”
I guess that makes sense… except I don’t have a past, and there are things I still need to know.
“What about our mother? Where does she feature in all of this?”
“That’s a little more difficult to explain,” he says, frowning.
“Like I said, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know, but in this instance, even I don’t have all the answers.” He looks down at his hands and I wait, knowing he’ll tell me what he can. “Mom left us when you were six years old.”
“Six?”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry,” I say. “I’m struggling with context here. Nobody’s told me how old I am yet.”
He smiles. “You’re twenty-eight.”
“And you’re…?”
“I’m thirty-three.”
“So you were eleven when Mom left?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you remember what happened?”
“Not very much, and to be honest, even when you had all your faculties, you didn’t remember her very well at all. Ella doesn’t either. She was only three at the time.”
“So she’s twenty-five now? The same age as Josie?”
“Yes.”
I nod my head, taking it all in as best I can. “Didn’t our father spend more time with us after Mom left?”
He snorts out a half-laugh. “No. He did the opposite. He hired Pat and Mick to take care of us.”
“Pat and Mick?”
“Yeah. Pat’s the housekeeper, and Mick takes care of all the maintenance around the property. Pat effectively raised us. She was more like a mom to you and Ella than our real mom was.”
I close my eyes, trying to picture her, but I can’t. “She’s not there,” I whisper, opening my eyes again.
“Don’t worry. She’s still here now. She’s helping Livia to look after Maisie.”
“So I’ll meet her?”
“Of course. She can’t wait. She’s been itching to see you. So has Ella.”
“But you’ve held them back?”
“We had to. The doctor told us to let you remember things for yourself before we introduced you to anyone else from your past.”
“I see.” I’m not sure I do. It feels unfair to everyone… not just me. But it’s not his fault. I have to keep telling myself that. It’s not anyone’s fault. “Why did Mom leave?” I ask, getting us back onto our original topic of conversation.
“I don’t know. She didn’t say.”
I shrug my shoulders. “I guess that’s not surprising. It probably wasn’t something she wanted to discuss with a child.”
Hunter shakes his head. “No. But she was here the other day. She could have told me then.”
“Sh—She was here? She came back, after all this time?”
“Yes. She read about your accident and wanted to see you.”
“Then why am I only hearing about this now?”
“Because Josie thought it would be too upsetting for you, and I agreed.”
“You asked Josie?”
“Yeah. I had to. I didn’t know what to do. Mom arrived out of the blue, asking to see you… and Ella. And I wasn’t sure what was in your best interests. I called Josie and asked her to come over.”
“Oh… that was the morning she dropped everything and came dashing over here?”
“Yes. She listened to what Mom had to say and then said she didn’t think it was a good idea for Mom to see you.”
“Was that her call to make?”
“Yes. I trusted her judgement. I still do. She told me she’d always put your interests first, and I believed her. I know why she said that now, but that doesn’t make it any less true. She only wants what’s best for you, Drew. You knew nothing about yourself or your past. The last thing you needed was our mother adding to the confusion. Josie told her she’d have to wait until you were well enough.”
“So she visited with Ella instead?”
“No. I decided that, if she couldn’t see you, then she couldn’t see Ella, either. Ella doesn’t even know Mom was here. I assumed you’d recover and meet Ella before meeting Mom, and I didn’t think it would be very helpful if Ella blurted out that Mom had been visiting.”
“You mean you sent her away again?”
“I told her I’d call her if the situation changed,” he says and I nod my head, although he just stares at me. “I won’t be calling her just yet, Drew. You’ve got too many other things to work out in your head before we bring our mom into the equation.”
“You don’t think that’s a little unfair? She obviously wanted to see us all.”
“Maybe she did, but she’s the one who left.” He sits up, his back straight, his shoulders square. “We didn’t hear a word from her for over twenty years, and while she may have a good reason for that, I’ve yet to hear it. I’ve always tried to see things from her side, Drew, even if I don’t know why she left us, but if she wants back in, she’ll do it on my terms.”
“Your terms?”
“Yes. It’s not just about you, Drew. It’s about Ella as well. I have to think about how she’s gonna react.”
Something sparks in my memory… something distant, shadowy. I can’t work out what it is, but I feel safe and comfortable with the thought, and I smile across at him.
“You’ve always been protective, haven’t you? Of me and Ella, I mean.”
His face lights up. “Yes. Why? Have you remembered something?”
“Nothing specific. It’s just a feeling, that’s all.”
He smiles. “Then hang onto it. You never know where it might lead.”
He’s not wrong. I feel the need to clutch a hold of every little taint of memory, just in case it takes me on to something else… something more tangible.
“Is Ella married?” I ask.
“No. She’s engaged… to an English guy called Mac. Remember him? You met him the other day. He helped me to lift you up the stairs.”
“I wouldn’t say I met him. I glimpsed him when I was brave enough to open my eyes.”
“Hmm… well, he was useful to have around.”
I’m not about to disagree. I can still remember how easy he made it look, carrying me up to my room, when my legs wouldn’t work. Obviously, I didn’t realize he was engaged to my sister… but I guess I didn’t know I had a sister at the time, so…
“That building on the far side of the grounds… is that where Pat and Mick live?”
“No. They’ve got an apartment above the garage.”
“Is it for Ella and Mac, then? Do they need somewhere bigger now they’ve got a baby?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “To be honest, I don’t know. They seem happy where they are right now. Henry’s still tiny, and two bedrooms are enough for the time being. If they needed more space, or wanted to have more kids, they could build something larger here, or they might move to another house sometime. I don’t know what their plans are. We haven’t talked about it.”
“Because of me?”
He smiles. “We have been kinda preoccupied with you, yeah.”
“Sorry about that.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” he says.
“Are we sure about that?”
“Absolutely.”
“I definitely wasn’t driving the car? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better.”
“You weren’t driving, Drew. You’d arranged for Lexi to pick you up in her car and bring you here.”
“Okay.” I can’t tell him how relieved I am, although judging by the look on his face, I think he might already know. “So… that building…?”
“Livia’s parents live there.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Her father had a stroke a few years ago, and her mom was finding things hard, having to work and care for him. They lived in Maine and Livia hated being so far away from them, so I had a home built for them here.”
“That was generous of you.”
“Not at all. I love my wife. I’ve loved her since the moment I met her. You felt the same way about Josie, and when you get your memory back, you’ll remember how it feels to know you’d do anything to make her happy.”
“I don’t need to get my memory back to understand that. I haven’t stopped loving Josie just because my brain is scrambled.”
“You’re not mad at her anymore, then?”
“Yeah, I’m mad at her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still love her.”
“And me?” he says, looking a little wary.
“What about you?”
“Are you still mad at me?”
“Yes. But it seems we’re family, so I’ll get over it.”
He smiles. “When you walked away earlier, I was wondering if you’d ever speak to me again.”
I shake my head. “I just needed some time to myself, like I said.”
He lets out a slow sigh. “I’m so relieved.”
“Because you thought I’d never forgive you?”
“Partly. But mostly because of Josie.”
“Why Josie?”
“Because I knew how in deeply in love you were with the woman I knew as Lexi’s sister. I could see you falling for Josie and I was powerless to stop it, even though it felt like your present was ruining your past. I was dreading your memory coming back, and you recalling the love you’d had for Lexi’s sister, and what it might mean for you and Josie. Except I had nothing to worry about, did I? Because Lexi’s sister and Josie are one the same person… thank God.”
I smile at him, shaking my head. “That sounds a lot more complicated than it is, when in reality, the simple truth is, there’s only one woman for me.”
“It looks that way.” He sits back a little. “Try not to be mad at Josie. None of this was her fault. She was told not to tell you about yourself. I was there when the doctor spoke to her. He was adamant it was in your best interests to be kept in the dark.”
“I get that, even if I don’t agree with it. But what I don’t fully understand is why she didn’t tell you who she was.”
“She gave us a reason for that. It made sense to me.”
“Did it?”
“Yeah. She wanted to be with you. I doubt her boss would have let her look after you if he’d known the truth, and that meant she could hardly tell me, could she? Besides, she probably thought I’d refuse to let her come here if I’d known about the connection between you.”
“Would you?”
“No, of course not. But Josie didn’t know that, did she?”
“No, I guess not.”
He reaches out, putting his hand on my arm. “You need to tell her how you feel, Drew.”
“I know.”
I stand, and he looks up at me before slowly getting to his feet. “About Maisie…” he says, letting his voice fade.
I push my fingers back through my hair. “Yes… yes. I need to work something out, don’t I? I need to… um… to…” I stop talking and look up into his dark brown eyes. “Would you think really badly of me if I told you I’m nervous?”
“What about?”
“Maisie. I’m responsible for her, but I don’t even know her. It seems so strange that I wanted to have children with Josie, but now I’ve discovered I’m a father, just the word itself terrifies me.”
“You were good at it, Drew. Really good.”
“I’ll have to take your word for that. The thing is, I don’t feel like I can take her back to the cottage with me just now. There are things I need to discuss with Josie, and…”
He smiles. “I wasn’t expecting you to take her with you right this minute. You’ve got an enormous amount of information to process, and you’re right, you need some time with Josie… just the two of you. I was going to suggest that you come over later, or maybe tomorrow, and spend some time with Maisie. She can stay here with us until you’re ready to care for her, and if it’s easier for you, you can build up to having her come live with you, maybe just taking her for a few hours at a time. You don’t have to do it all at once.”
“Y—You’re sure about that?”
“Of course. Although, to be honest, I’m also pretty damn sure that once you set eyes on her, you’re not gonna want to let her go again. But we can take it in stages, if that’s what works for you.”
“Thank you.”
He shakes his head. “You’ve got nothing to thank me for.”
Somehow I doubt that, but that’s a conversation for another day. “I’m gonna go talk to Josie.”
“Okay. Be kind to her.”
“I will.”
He pats me on the shoulder and I step away, feeling better than I have in a while. Okay, so I’m still confused, and my brain still feels like cotton candy, but there seem to be a lot fewer holes in my story now.
He’s right. I have got a lot to process, but there’s no rush… not as far as I’m concerned. I know what I’m aiming for now, and even if there are still a few hurdles to face with Josie, I know we’ll get there. As long as we’re together, we can’t fail.
I keep my head down as I’m walking, only looking up when I get to the cottage, letting out a surprised gasp when I notice the front door is open.
“Josie?” I rush inside, glancing around.
Everything looks as it did earlier, except for the addition of an envelope set prominently on the shelf above the fireplace. I stride over, seeing my name on the outside and I grab it, ripping it open, tearing the page from inside and reading…
‘Drew,
I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. It wasn’t supposed to end at all. But I know you won’t be able to forgive me for what I’ve done. I know I’ve lost you. I just wish I could turn back time and do things differently. Except I can’t. Too much has happened and no matter how much I love you, it’s too late for us now.
Josie x’
‘Too late’? She can’t be serious.
I re-read the note, then shove it into my pocket, running up the stairs.
My dressing room is a mess. She packed in a hurry, taking her things and leaving the drawers and closet doors open.
“For fuck’s sake, Josie,” I yell, slamming one shut.
I let my head fall, holding it in my hands. Why didn’t I see this coming?
Probably because she told me she wouldn’t run again… and I was dumb enough to believe her.
I thought we’d agreed, if she ever felt like this, she wouldn’t run, she’d stay and talk. And yet, here I am, staring at an empty closet again. If I’d known there was any danger of her doing this, I’d never have left her by herself. I’d have followed her straight back here, and made sure she understood how much I love her, even if I am still mad at her.
“Oh, Christ…”
I rush out of the room, running down the stairs and straight out the door, closing it behind me. My sprint back to the main house takes no time at all, and I go around the back, finding Hunter sitting by the pool still. He looks up, frowning as I approach.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“It’s Josie. She’s gone.”
I pull out the note, handing it to him and he reads it, standing up as he does. He looks at me, handing it back, and shakes his head.
“I’ll tell Livia what’s going on, and I’ll drive you into the city.”
I nod my thanks, unable to speak, and sit down, waiting for him. It’s a struggle, but I try to stay calm. Getting mad with Josie won’t help. That’s what drove her away in the first place. I need to tread carefully if I’m gonna bring her home again… and that’s what I want, more than anything.
“You ready?” Hunter’s voice makes me jump and I look up. He’s standing beside me, a set of keys in his hand, and I get to my feet.
“Yeah. I’m sorry about this.”
He shakes his head. “It’s okay,” he says, leading me around the far side of the house, where there’s a double garage, with two cars parked in front of it… my Range Rover and his red Ferrari. We both head for the Range Rover, and he gets in behind the wheel. I’m not about to argue. If I thought I was fit enough to drive, I would.
“I take it we’re heading for her apartment?” I look over at him as he starts off down the driveway.
“We don’t have anywhere else to look.”
I twist in my seat to face him. “What if she’s not there?”
“We’ll worry about that if it happens.”
That doesn’t feel very reassuring. “Why does she keep doing this?”
“Maybe she doesn’t understand that arguments happen in relationships, and that you get over them.”
“But why wouldn’t she realize that? I told her she’s my family.”
He flips his head around, glancing at me as we get to the gate and it opens, letting us pass through onto the main road.
“You did?”
“Yeah. The last time she ran out, when we were at her apartment, I told her then she’s my family. I…” I stop talking, remembering what we both said back then. “Oh…”
“Oh, what?”
“I just remembered something.”
“Something from the past?”
“No. Something Josie said… or rather something she neglected to say. Again.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Another lie. When she ran out on me last time, and we caught up with her at her apartment, she told us about how she couldn’t have kids.”
“I remember. I was there. That wasn’t a lie.”
“I know. But do you recall I said there was no guarantee I could have kids… that we couldn’t be sure about it?”
He blushes. “Oh… yeah.”
“I noticed her looking at you when I said that.”
“Well, she would, wouldn’t she? We both knew you already had a child. We just weren’t allowed to tell you.”
“Yeah… and look where that got us.”
“I know. It hasn’t worked out as well as any of us would have wanted.”
“No shit.” I suck in a breath, letting it out slowly and shaking my head. “Hiding things and keeping secrets, it’s caused nothing but trouble. You know… after you’d gone to sit in the car, I asked her why she hadn’t told me about her illness before and she said she couldn’t, even though it wasn’t about me. I thought that was odd, but I didn’t question it too much. I was just so relieved to have her back. Now, I’m wondering if she chose not to tell me until she was cornered into doing so, in case she accidentally revealed something from our shared past.”
“I guess that’s possible.”
“I think it’s more than possible. It’s highly probable.”
“And? What’s your point?”
“That it’s another lie to add to the list.”
“You’ve gotta stop thinking like that. They’re not lies.”
“What the fuck are they, then?”
He purses his lips. “I don’t know. But it sounds like you’re suggesting Josie was keeping things from you for her own benefit, which she wasn’t. She was doing it because she believed it was in your best interests.”
“Then she was wrong,” I yell, and he takes his foot off of the gas, applying it to the brake and pulling up at the side of the road.
“Are you gonna talk to her like this when we catch up with her?” he says, slamming the car into ‘park’ and turning to face me. “Because if you are, I’m gonna turn around and take you straight back to the house.” He stares at me. “She didn’t lie to you.” I raise my eyebrows. “Not intentionally.”
“Maybe not, but look at where we’ve ended up.”
“And this is all her fault, is it?”
“Why? Are you saying it’s mine? I’m not the one who keeps running away.”
He takes a deep breath. “No, but I heard her story earlier. Her childhood sounds kinda fractured.”
“And ours wasn’t?”
“It was. Entirely. But we always had each other. You, me and Ella. We had Pat and Mick, too, and I can honestly say we’ve never been alone, despite everything our parents did. You think Josie can say that? It sounded to me like she’d lived a solitary life, even when her mom was alive, but then her mom died when she was seventeen. Seventeen, Drew. When you were that age, you wouldn’t have known where to start, and neither would I, but it seems like Josie fended for herself from then on. She didn’t have anyone. She was used to being alone… even to cutting herself off when she had to. Think about it… she hadn’t seen Lexi since Maisie’s birth. That was a choice she made to protect herself from her feelings for you.”
“But I don’t understand it. She’s not alone now. She’s got me.”
“Has she?”
“What does that mean?”
“What do you think?” he says. “She asked if you still loved her, and what did you say?”
“Nothing. But I was hurt. Surely, she understood that.”
“She asked you the question, Drew. You had the chance to prove yourself to her.”
And I didn’t. I failed her. I close my eyes, opening them again after just a couple of seconds. “Shit… I fucked up, didn’t I?”
“Yes.”
“Take me to her… please.”
He sits still, glaring at me. “Are you gonna yell at her?”
“No. I just wanna talk.”
He doesn’t say a word, but puts the car in ‘drive’ and checks the mirrors before pulling out onto the highway again.
What have I done?
I’ll never forgive myself if I’ve lost her now, after everything we’ve been through…