Chapter Ten

Josie

What an evening. What a day.

Drew’s fast asleep now. I’m lying beside him, my back to his front, his arms wrapped around me, and even though I can’t see his face, I know his eyes are closed and he’s lost to the land of dreams. I can feel his rhythmic breathing, and there’s something oddly comforting about matching it with my own. We may never have done this before, but it feels familiar… and I like it.

I’m not surprised by his tiredness. I’m exhausted myself, even though I slept for a few hours this afternoon. He didn’t, and he’s recovering from concussion, too. Not that you’d know there was anything wrong with Drew, based on today’s performance.

I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve made love… and each time seems different from the last. He’s very energetic, and although I’m an innocent when it comes to men, I’m also a nurse, and I know it’s not necessarily normal for a man to be able to keep going like he can. I wonder if he’s like this all the time, but there’s no-one who can tell me that… not even Drew. He doesn’t remember anything, even though he seems to know exactly what he’s doing. He says it’s an instinct, and I have to believe him, because he certainly has a talent for this… one that makes my body sing to his tune.

It makes my body ache, too. I’ve discovered muscles I hadn’t even realized I had… and I’ve used them to their limits. I can feel it now, in my legs and hips, in my shoulders and back. Snuggling into him makes it feel better, though, as do the memories…

I didn’t feel too good when he brought me up here after dinner. He’d asked me to spend the night with him, and while I wanted to, more than anything, I was plagued with guilt.

We’d come close to having an argument about his phone, and I wished I’d never mentioned taking photographs on mine, even though it was innocently done. I knew as soon as he asked about having a phone himself that it was going to be an issue. He had that look on his face… the same one he’d worn when we first got back here and he was trying to figure everything out, all at once. Alarm bells were ringing in my head. I knew I’d have to deny him access to his phone… for the exact reasons I gave him. What I didn’t know was how he’d react.

He got angry. He said he wasn’t, but there was no escaping it. His eyes gave him away, and I’ll admit, that worried me. Not in terms of what Drew might do, but because of what it meant for us.

I was being completely truthful with him, for once. I firmly believed – and I still do – that giving him back his phone wasn’t a good idea. Not yet. If I’d thought he might benefit from having it, I’d have called Hunter and asked him to bring it over. But, like I said to Drew, it’s early days, and while I want him to regain his memories, I don’t think he’s ready for the wealth of information his phone is bound to contain. Introducing something like that needs to be managed carefully… like everything else in his recovery.

The problem was, not only did my answer frustrate him, it also turned me back into his nurse. Our roles became clouded, just like I knew they would. It was one of the reasons I’d given him for not getting involved… not that it matters now, because we’re more than involved.

We’re in love.

That was why it was so hard, watching him struggle with the past he can’t remember. He might not be aware of exactly how much I know… but he realizes that my knowledge of him and his past is greater than his own. It feels like a void between us, even if he tried to patch over the cracks. His apology was heartfelt, and I know he meant every word he said, but until his memory returns, there’s always going to be a blank space neither of us can fill.

That’s what worries me the most in terms of our relationship. The longer this takes, the harder I think it will be for us to dance around that space; him in the dark, and me in the shadow of my lies. I’m scared that when we come out into the light, he won’t like what he finds…

I don’t doubt his love for me, but it’s new to him. There’s no history to it, like there is in my love for him. Will that new love be strong enough to survive when he knows what I’ve done? Will he be able to forgive me for keeping so much from him? Not just about us and our past together, but also about the future we can’t have, his family, his mother’s reappearance… and, most important of all, his daughter.

I shudder at the thought of how he might react and, even though he’s fast asleep, he tightens his grip on me, like he can sense my fear.

I caress his arm, brushing along it with my fingertips, wishing I could talk to him… wishing I could tell him the truth, and ask at least some of the questions that are rattling around my head; questions he can’t answer.

There are so many… which makes it even more bizarre that, for a brief moment this evening, I added another one. Because I couldn’t help wondering what’s gone before… or rather who has gone before.

I hadn’t thought about that all day, not during all the times we’d made love, but after I’d said ‘yes’ to spending the night with him, he assumed I’d be okay with sleeping in his bed. We got to the top of the stairs and I hesitated when I realized where he was taking me.

He noticed, and to prove I was okay with it, I opened the door and let him lead me inside.

I may have been in his room before, but that was in my role as his nurse. This was different, and as I stepped through the door, waiting for him to close it behind us, the only thing I saw was the bed. It seemed to dominate the room, and my mind. Just as I expected, I was awash with questions. Had he brought other women here? Had he loved them like he loved me? Was Lexi among them? I struck the thought. Lexi had always told me they weren’t in love, that it had been a fling, and while I knew she’d been here after Maisie was born, she’d never mentioned visiting Drew here before then.

I stared at the bed, thinking about his past, realizing that, while I knew more than he did, I still knew very little. He’d had other lovers, but how many and over how long was anybody’s guess.

He came up behind me, snaking his arms around my waist, and dropped a kiss onto my neck.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

I turned in his arms, looking up at him, seeing the worry in his eyes. He cared. He really cared, and I smiled, resting against him.

“I’m fine, Drew.”

I was. He’d told me I was everything he needed… everything he wanted. I felt exactly the same, and we were living proof that the past doesn’t matter.

I brought my hands up, clasping his stubbled jaw and pulled his head down, my lips meeting his in a fiery kiss, ignited by our almost-argument, and fueled by that mutual need. He pulled me close, flexing his hips and letting me feel his erection. I don’t know why I was surprised by his arousal. It had been over an hour since we’d last made love, after all… and it seemed like an hour was more than enough for Drew.

“There’s something I need to show you,” he whispered, leaning up and looking down into my eyes.

“There is?”

He smiled, pulling me over to the bed. “Yeah…” He spun me around, so I was facing the mattress, then he stood right behind me, his body tight against mine, and reached around, unfastening my shorts, pushing them down over my hips. His lips brushed over my neck, while his hands came between us, cupping my ass, squeezing gently. “Alluring,” he murmured between kisses. “Beautiful… captivating… delightful.” He may not have been using the same words, but I knew where he was going, and a slight shiver coursed through me. He was leading me to ‘f’… or to the meaning of it, and although I’d loved everything he’d done to me, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be taken there . I wasn’t ruling it out – not forever – but it felt too soon.

He must have felt my uncertainty, or at least sensed it.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “You can trust me.”

“I do.”

“Then you know I won’t do anything you’re not ready for.”

I twisted my head around, looking up at him. “I know.”

He smiled, a wicked, sexy kind of smile and then bent me over the mattress, his middle finger tracing a line from the base of my spine, across my tight anus and further down, resting at my entrance.

“F stands for fingers,” he murmured as he pushed two of them inside me and I chuckled. I was pretty sure that wasn’t what he’d meant earlier. It didn’t make sense in the context he’d been using, and ‘fingers’ weren’t an adjective. But it didn’t matter. He was doing such incredible things to me, I didn’t care anymore.

He made love to me for hours, never once pushing me outside of my boundaries, but testing them all the time, taking me beyond my wildest dreams and into the realms of fantasy…

I wake to darkness, my body tingling even before I’m aware I’m being touched… intimately. I concentrate on the sensations, piecing them together.

Something is inside me.

Drew’s fingers.

They’re sliding gently in and out, from tip to knuckle.

There’s no urgency; just a soft, rhythmic sway. It’s soothing and arousing. I could easily fall asleep again, but my body craves more.

My back is to his front still, and I wriggle my ass into him, feeling his arousal.

He moans.

I sigh.

And then everything changes.

Without a sound, he withdraws his fingers, rolling me onto my front. My arms are caught beneath me, but it’s not uncomfortable.

He straddles me, my legs quite close together for once, and then he raises my ass off of the mattress, just a little. I feel the head of his erection rub against me, finding my entrance, and then he’s inside me… so deep it makes me gasp.

I arch my back, wanting more and he leans over me, his hands on my waist, holding me down as he thrusts into me, harder and faster. There’s something different about this. There’s something desperate and powerful behind each stroke, behind each guttural groan.

“Take my cock…” he says, with an urgency in his voice.

“Give me more.”

We’re both feeling this, both needing it.

He plunges into me, setting my body on fire. “Tell me you’re close, Josie.”

“I’m close… please, Drew. Please make me come.”

He leans over me even more, so I can feel his weight, and swivels his hips, grinding into me. That’s all I need to plummet, pleasure chasing me, catching me, consuming me…

I surface, aware that he’s still now, that the moment has passed for him, too. He’s spent, as am I, and he lies on top of me for a moment, dragging air into his lungs before he pulls out of me and rolls onto his side, turning me, so I’m facing him.

I feel a fingertip on my cheek, a kiss against my lips.

“I’m sorry.”

How can he be apologizing after that? “Why?”

“Because yesterday was tiring,” he says. “I should have let you sleep.”

“I can’t think of a nicer way to be woken up.”

He chuckles. “Neither can I. I found you in my arms and I had to touch you… had to have you.”

“I’m not complaining, Drew,” I say, nestling against him. “I liked the feeling of being wanted so much.”

“You are. I think you always were.”

I lean back, even though he keeps a hold of me. “Is that a memory?” Can it be? Is it possible he’s recalled something about us, or about our past?

“No. But it’s like when you said you’ve always loved me. I feel the same way. I might have only known you for a few days, but it’s like you’ve always been here.” He takes my hand, resting it against his chest, over his heart. “I don’t want that to change, Josie. I don’t want this to end.”

“Who says it has to end?”

“No-one. But after what happened earlier – about my phone and my frustrations – I want you to know, if the price I have to pay for keeping you here is never getting my memory back, then I’ll pay it.”

I move closer to him, raising my leg and wrapping it around his. “No, Drew. I don’t want that for you. I want you to remember.”

“So do I. But what I’m trying to say is, if I had to choose between you and my past… or you and my life as it used to be, then I’d choose you. Every. Single. Time.”

Tears well in my eyes, and even though he can’t see me, it’s like he knows they’re there and he holds me tighter. “You can’t say that. You don’t know what you’re sacrificing.”

“I know I love you. I know I want to spend forever loving you.”

“Forever?” I can’t help smiling.

“Yes. Forever. Although how our kids are gonna feel about having the most forgetful father in history is anyone’s guess.”

My smile fades, my dreams shatter, crumbling to dust in that one brief sentence.

“K—Kids?”

“Yeah. I love you so much, I can’t imagine not being a family with you… not having children with you. I don’t know if that’s something I ever considered before, and I don’t care. It’s something I want with you, Josie. It feels right.”

Oh, God… this isn’t a dream. It’s my worst nightmare.

I can’t answer him. I don’t have the words. Luckily, because I’m lying on my side, my tears fall onto the pillow, so he doesn’t notice them when he leans in and kisses me, his lips skimming over mine.

“I’m not pressuring you.” He leans back, clearly noticing my silence. “There’s no rush. I’m just putting it out there.”

I nod my head, knowing he expects a response, and it’s the best I can do. If I speak, he’ll hear the emotion in my voice. He’ll ask questions. And I don’t have any answers.

He settles down, getting comfortable, holding me against him, and although I’m so tense my muscles are aching even more than they were before, I lie still and wait… and wait…

Within a few minutes, his breathing changes and I know he’s asleep.

There’s no chance of sleep for me, though, and I can’t just lie here, living yet another lie. Not this time. It’s too much.

I slip out of his grip, sliding from the bed and I stand for a moment, getting my bearings, deciding where the door is, and then, treading on my tiptoes, I sneak out of the room.

The hall isn’t so dark. There are no drapes covering the windows and the moonlight floods in, so I can see the open door to my bedroom and I cross over to it, closing it softly behind me and switching on the lights.

My bed is a mess. We didn’t re-make it earlier, and the pillows are scattered, the covers screwed up and pushed off of the edge. I pull them back, straightening them, and return the pillows to their rightful place, destroying the physical evidence of what happened in here today. That won’t help me forget it. I can’t. But I don’t want to face it at the moment. I don’t want to think about how unfair this is.

Drew wants children. He just said so. And why wouldn’t he? It makes perfect sense that it would feel ‘right’ to him. He’s already a father, even if he doesn’t know it. But as for us being a family? That’s the one thing we can’t have. It’s the one thing I can’t give him. And it’s the one secret I wish I hadn’t had to keep, above all the others.

I hadn’t realized it would mean so much to him. Let’s face it, Maisie’s conception was hardly intentional. But it seems I got that wrong. He wants this, and I can’t deny him his future… especially not when he’s still wrestling with his past.

I wander to the closet and pull out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, finding some underwear in the dresser. It only takes a few minutes to get dressed, and once I’m done, I grab my bag from the bottom of the closet, dumping it on the bed and filling it with my things. I don’t fold them, or take any care in packing them. I just load up my bag, and once it’s done, I slip on my shoes and check I haven’t left anything behind. Obviously, I have, because my shorts and top are in Drew’s room, but that’s where they’ll have to stay. I daren’t risk going in there, in case I wake him… and I can live without them.

Even if I’m not sure I can live without him.

Still… what choice do I have?

I grab my bag, switching off the lights, and haul it down the stairs, taking care to make as little noise as possible. At the bottom, I pick up my purse from the living room, check my phone is inside, and quietly open the front door.

There’s a slight chill in the air, the wind catching my hair, stinging at my eyes as I let the tears fall, but I close the door anyway, and lug my bag down the path toward the main house. I won’t be going in there, but I need to follow the path in the moonlight, and then join the main driveway that leads to the gates.

Hunter explained how the gates work on the day we arrived, so I know a cab won’t be able to get in without someone granting them access. That means my only choice is to walk the length of the driveway and exit through the small side gate. Like the main gate, it needs someone to let you in from the main house, but there’s a button on the wall that you can press to get out… thank God.

The plan comes to me with a cool logic, born of the need to get away, and I trudge along, putting one foot in front of the other, not looking up or back, until I reach my destiny. The gate opens with a creak, but I’m far enough away from the buildings and the people sleeping in them not to worry, and once I’m outside, I look up the number for a local 24-hour cab company.

I realize, as I’m placing the call, that I don’t know exactly where I am. Hunter didn’t give me the address. But I’m able to describe the house and its location to the man on the phone.

“Oh… you mean Theodore Bennett’s place.”

“ Theodore Bennett?”

“Yeah. He’s dead now, of course. His kids live there, but that’s the place right enough.”

He tells me he can get a cab to me within fifteen minutes, and I lean back against the wall by the gate and wait.

I can’t see Drew’s house from here. It’s too far away, and still too dark, although I can see the beginnings of the dawn on the horizon. Even if I could see the house, it wouldn’t change anything. I have to leave, and deep down, I think I always knew it would come to this. I’ve always known, if my lies didn’t ruin everything, my secrets would.

I’ve only been away for a few days, but my apartment feels different. Or maybe that’s me.

Maybe it’s that I know I’ll never be the same again.

How can I be, after everything I’ve done… everything I’ve been… everything I’ve lost?

The cab driver realized after five minutes of attempted conversation that I wasn’t in the mood to talk, and let me sit in silence for the journey back to Boston. I cried for some of the time, but he didn’t seem to notice, or if he did, he didn’t say anything, and once I’d paid him, he drove away, presumably keen to get home again.

I can’t say I blame him.

I’m not great company.

I dump my bag in the living room and flop onto the couch, pulling my phone from my purse. It’s gone six, the sun is up, and although I’d rather put this off a little longer, I know I have to make the call.

“Josie?” Hunter sounds sleepy, but that’s not surprising, really. “Has something happened?”

“Yes, in a way.”

He yawns. “Do you need me to come over?”

“No. I’m not at the cottage.”

“Where are you?” he says, suddenly sounding more awake.

“I’m in Boston.”

“What the fu…” He stops talking. “Sorry. I mean, what’s going on? How did you get to Boston, for Christ’s sake?”

“I called a cab.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“Yeah.”

“But how did they get in through the gates?”

“They didn’t. I waited outside.”

“You did what?”

“I waited outside. Sorry, Hunter. I couldn’t stay anymore.”

“Why not? Did Drew do something?”

“No. At least, nothing I didn’t want him to do.”

There’s a moment’s silence and then he says, “Oh. I see.”

“I don’t think you do.” I don’t see how he can. “Either way, I couldn’t stay. I’m sorry. I know this is gonna be difficult for you, and it’s not very professional of me, but I’m sure if you contact Doctor Sweeney, he’ll be able to suggest another nurse who can look after Drew.”

“You think he’ll be happy with another nurse?”

“In the long run, once he knows the truth, I think he might be.”

“You’re not making any sense, Josie.”

“I know, but I can’t explain it. I’m sorry. Just look after him for me…” A tear hits my cheek and I let out a sob, hanging up the call so he won’t hear my heart breaking.

***