Drew

The smile is on my lips before my eyes are even open, the memory of last night, and of yesterday, too fresh for anything other than smiles and lasting happiness.

It’s not just about memories, though. Not anymore. It’s about a future I’ve sometimes doubted I could have… and it’s lying right beside me.

I turn over. “Good morn—”

The bed is empty, and I sit up, looking around the room. The sun, peeping between the edges of the drapes, gives me enough light to see the top Josie was wearing yesterday evening is still lying over the end of the bed, where it landed after I eventually pulled it off of her. I lean over the edge and see her shorts on the floor beside my own.

She must be here somewhere.

“Josie?” I climb out of bed and wander to the door, pulling it open. The house feels eerily hushed. I can’t hear her downstairs, and I step across the hall.

Josie’s door is ajar and I push it open and go inside.

“Are you in here?” There’s no reply. The room is empty.

With a rising sense of panic, I go back out into the hall and run down the stairs, checking the living room and kitchen, and even looking out onto the terrace.

She’s nowhere to be seen.

“Josie?” My shout is met with silence and I stand for a moment, pushing my fingers back through my hair. Where can she be?

Surely, if Hunter had asked to see her, like he did the other day, she’d have woken me and told me… wouldn’t she? And why on earth would he have asked to see her so early in the morning? What could have been so important he’d have had to drag her out of bed? It’s not even seven yet

Unless he didn’t ask to see her at all…

I run back up the stairs, stopping at the top, and slowly turn to my left, going into her room again. My feet lead me over to her closet and, with a shaking hand, I pull it open.

“No!” My voice echoes around the empty room.

There’s nothing here.

She’s gone.

My legs feel weak and the room spins, but I grab the closet door, holding on, as I take a few deep breaths.

This can’t be happening.

Why would she leave?

After everything we said and did yesterday, why would she leave?

I don’t know. I can’t think, and standing here won’t help. The answers aren’t in the back of her closet, or anywhere else in this house. They’re wherever Josie is.

I need to find her. Now.

I steady myself, turning slowly and, once I’m sure I’m in control, I walk back to my room, taking care to make sure I don’t fall, even though my legs still don’t feel very stable. Inside, I go straight to my dressing room, grabbing some jeans and a t-shirt, which I pull on, along with some shoes.

I might not understand what’s going on here. I may not have any answers, but if I’m going to find them – or to find Josie – I need help. This isn’t something I can do alone, and I only know one person who I can turn to, even if I don’t feel like I ‘know’ him at all.

As I leave the house and make my way along the path, I wonder if I should go to the front door or make my way around the back. An image flits across my brain and I stop in my tracks, trying to grab hold of it, to stop it from passing through unnoticed. I have a vague memory of making this walk before. The circumstances elude me, but I know this isn’t the first time I’ve trodden this path. I’m not thinking about when I came over to the pool with Josie, either. In my mind’s eye, I’m alone.

I wish I had time to focus… to see what else I can recall. But I don’t. And besides, forcing memories hasn’t worked very well for me in the past.

I continue on my way, following the path to the rear of the house and going around by the pool to the glass doors that lead to the kitchen.

“Kitchen?” I mutter the word out loud, a slight shiver running through me as I tap on the glass, looking through and seeing that – just as I’d expected – the room on the other side is an enormous kitchen. How did I know this would be here? I’ve never been to the house before. Not knowingly.

Maybe it’s an instinct, rather than a memory.

And yet, it feels like more than that.

The door opens, startling me, and I look up into the face of the man everyone says is my older brother. He’s dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt, his hair damp at the ends, and he frowns down at me.

“What are you doing here? I was just coming to see you.”

“What about?” Hunter hasn’t been near the cottage, or me, since my fall the other day. Why would he choose today of all days for a visit? And at this time of the morning?

“Josie.”

“That’s why I’m here. She’s gone.” I step closer, my foot on the threshold, my anger rising. “Do you know something about that? Have you fired her?” I can’t see why he would have done, but I can’t think of another reason she would have left.

“Of course not.” He steps back. “Come inside. We can talk more easily.”

I hesitate for a moment. That’s not because I have no memory of this man who claims to be my brother, but because I’d rather be looking for Josie. Even so, I’m aware of the fact that I can’t hope to find her without him, so I step into the house.

The room is not only enormous, but it’s stylishly furnished, with white cabinets and pale gray countertops, none of which are familiar to me. There’s an island unit, with four wicker chairs tucked underneath it, and Hunter pulls one out.

“Have a seat. I’ll fix us some coffee.”

I do as he says, my legs still a little unstable, and I watch as he makes us both a cup of coffee, bringing them over. He stands on the other side of the island unit, looking at me, a puzzled expression on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s just odd to see you sitting there again.”

“I don’t remember sitting here before.”

“No.” He takes a sip of coffee.

“You said you were coming to see me about Josie?”

“Yeah. She’s gone.”

“I know that. Where is she?”

“She’s in Boston.”

I grab the edge of the countertop, steadying myself. “Boston? How do you know this?”

“Because she called me early this morning to tell me she’d gone home.”

“She was already there?”

“Yes.”

“She didn’t call to tell you she was leaving?”

“No. If she had, I’d have tried to stop her.” He purses his lips and then says, “Has something happened between the two of you?”

I stare up at him. “You mean like a fight?”

He shakes his head. “No… I mean, like sex.”

How does he know? “Why do you ask?”

“Because of what Josie said when I asked if she was leaving so suddenly because of something you’d done.”

“What the hell did you think I would have done?” I say, raising my voice a little. “You know me, even if I don’t. What kind of guy do you think I am?”

He shakes his head. “I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t accusing you of anything. It just felt strange, when she’s been so concerned for you, that she’d walk away like this.”

“No shit…” I shake my head. “So? What did she say?”

“She said you hadn’t done anything she didn’t want you to. It implied…”

“I know what it implied.”

“And? Did you sleep with her?”

“Yes. But, like she said, she wanted me to.”

He tilts his head to one side, narrowing his eyes. “This matters, doesn’t it?”

“She matters, yes.”

His eyes widen, although I’m not sure what that means, any more than the slight shake of his head. “She suggested I should contact Doctor Sweeney at the hospital to get a replacement nurse, but when I said I didn’t think you’d want that, she said she thought you would, once you knew the truth. What was that about?”

“I don’t know. Did she say anything else?”

“Not really. She was crying when she hung up, though. I could hear her. I don’t think she wanted to leave, and she asked me… no, she practically begged me to look after you.”

“I don’t need looking after. I just need her,” I say, struggling to control the emotion in my voice. Hunter leans over, resting his elbows on the countertop.

“Do you want me to take you to her apartment?”

“Yes. I need to talk to her. I have to know why she’s done this, and what I have to do to get her to come back to me.”

“Okay.”

I get up, making for the front of the house, but he calls me back. “Not so fast. You need to go shower first. You look like a wreck.”

“You think I care?”

“You will when you see her again. We know where she lives. She won’t have disappeared by the time we get there. Just go back to the cottage and smarten yourself up.” He smiles. “You could consider taming that beard a little, too.”

I rub my hand over my chin. “I would, if I had anything to tame it with. So far, I’ve only found a razor and some shaving cream, so I’m guessing I was clean-shaven before the accident?”

He doesn’t confirm or deny, but just chuckles, rubbing his hand over his own stubbled jaw. “I’ll get you a beard trimmer. Then you can decide how far you wanna go with your facial hair, but in the meantime, go shower. I’ll let Livia know what’s going on, and I’ll bring your car around front.”

“I have a car?”

“Yeah. It’s the Range Rover I drove you here in the other day.” I nod my head. “Do you remember it?” he asks.

“From the other day? Yes. From before? No.”

He shrugs. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not going to. I’ve got more important things on my mind.”

Like getting to Josie and asking her what I did to make her leave.

I’ve showered and put on a shirt, rather than the t-shirt I had on before. Hunter seemed to think appearances mattered, although personally, I think standing in front of Josie, asking her the pressing question of ‘why’, is more important.

It hasn’t taken me long, and less than fifteen minutes after leaving him in the kitchen of the main house, I open the cottage door to find Hunter standing there, waiting.

“I thought I’d walk with you to the car,” he says, falling into step beside me.

“In case I couldn’t remember the way?”

He smiles, but doesn’t reply, and we walk together to the front of the house, where he’s parked a black Range Rover. This may be my car, but there’s nothing familiar about it, even when I open the passenger door and climb in.

“Are you getting anything?” Hunter asks as I look around the interior.

“No.”

“Well, I’m not sure you ever sat in that seat, so I guess that’s not surprising.”

He has a point, but I don’t want to waste time trying out the driver’s position, just to see if it brings back any memories.

It seems to take forever to get down the long driveway, but when we finally reach the end, the gates open automatically, and I remember him saying something about sensors, and a button on the wall, which I guess is how Josie got out of here this morning. Having checked for traffic, he turns right onto a fairly quiet highway.

“How long will it take to get to Boston?” I ask him.

“At this time of day, with this little traffic, probably around an hour and fifteen minutes.”

I nod my head, wishing it could be faster. My life feels disjointed enough as it is without losing Josie.

Losing Josie?

That can’t happen. I can’t even think about letting it happen.

I need to think about something else.

Anything…

I turn in my seat, so I’m facing Hunter. “You know, earlier in your kitchen, when I asked what kind of guy you think I am? Can you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“What am I like, or what was I like before… with women?”

“You know I’m not allowed to answer questions like that.”

“Okay, but I’m in love with Josie. Was that something I did all the time?”

He sucks in a breath, and I notice him gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. “No, you didn’t.”

I don’t understand his reaction, but I’m relieved by his answer. Josie feels special. She feels different. It’s good to know I got that right, at least.

“Would I have told you if I did? Were we the kind of brothers who talked about things like that?”

“Yes,” he says, smiling now. “Didn’t you notice just then, how easy it was to tell me you’re in love with her?”

“Yeah… I guess.” I hadn’t noticed, but now he’s mentioned it, I didn’t even hesitate before telling him how I feel.

“Does that mean I’ve discussed my relationships with you before?”

“No.”

I’m confused now. “But I thought you just said…”

“You didn’t have any relationships to discuss,” he says, his smile widening.

“I didn’t?”

“No.”

“But… but I’ve had sex, right? Before yesterday, I mean…”

“Yeah,” he says, making it sound like that’s a foregone conclusion.

“That’s a relief.”

“Why?” His brow furrows.

“Because I knew what to do… with Josie.”

“It wasn’t a memory?”

“No, it was an instinct, but it’s good to know it comes from somewhere.”

He grips the steering wheel again. “Do you have any idea why she might have left?”

“No. I mean, we had a kind of fight yesterday evening.”

“A kind of fight?” he says.

“Yeah.”

“What about? Or was it personal… something you can’t tell me?”

“It wasn’t personal, no. Not in the way you mean. We were talking about photography.”

“Oh?” He flips his head around.

“Yeah. I think I might have been a photographer. Josie wouldn’t confirm it, but I feel at home with a camera in my hand, and it’s another instinct… like I know what I’m doing, and how to do it.”

“I see.” He doesn’t say anything else and I get the feeling he’s not about to give me any more clues, either. “Why were you fighting about that?”

“We weren’t. Josie mentioned that the only photographs she’d ever taken were on her phone, and I asked if I had one.”

“A phone?” he says.

“Yeah.”

He nods his head. “I’ve got it.”

“I know. At least, I know now. Josie told me. She said I couldn’t have it back yet… not until I’ve recovered a bit more.”

“I agree with her,” he says. “After the way you reacted to looking at photographs the other day, I think she made the right call.”

“I know. I can understand that now, but at the time, I got a little frustrated.”

He looks over at me, just briefly. “What did you do?”

“Nothing. It was difficult, though. I thought having my phone back might prompt some fresh memories, but Josie argued it could be too much for me. She said I was trying to force my progress instead of letting it happen naturally. And she was right.”

“She cares about you.”

“I know. I knew it before, but it hit home when I realized how upset she was. That was when I stopped arguing with her. It wasn’t worth hurting her.”

“So, you made up?” he asks.

“Yes. Like I say, we didn’t even argue. Not really. And I know she was okay about it afterwards.”

“How? Did she tell you?”

“She didn’t need to. She came to bed with me.”

He nods his head, unfazed by my confession. “Okay. It must be something else, then.”

“I know. But the question is, what?”

“Well… we know she cares, but does caring translate into love? Just because you’re in love with her doesn’t mean she feels the same way. Maybe it was all too much for her.”

“I can’t believe that. She told me she loves me too. She said the weirdest thing to me… she said she’s always loved me, and although I know I only met her a few days ago, and that shouldn’t make sense, it does to me. I feel exactly the same. I told her that last night… that she’s always been in my heart. It’s like she belongs there.” I cough, swallowing down the lump in my throat, trying not to think about last night… about how it felt to wake in the darkness with such a burning desire for her, it could only be quenched by taking her, there and then. Was that too much? “Oh, God…”

“What?”

What if I went too far? But no, that can’t be. She enjoyed it. She told me afterwards.

“It’s nothing,” I say. “It’s okay.”

“What is?”

“It was just something I did last night. I wasn’t sure for a moment if I’d gone too far with her… but I just remembered how happy she was afterwards. We talked about having kids…”

“Jesus… what did you do? Propose to her?”

“No.” I woke her up and fucked her senseless, if you must know. But she liked it. She liked how wanted it made her feel. I remember her saying that.

“But you had the children talk?” he says, sounding a little shocked.

“Is that a problem?” I ask.

“I don’t know, but Livia and I didn’t discuss having kids – at least not properly – until just a couple of months before we got married.”

“You didn’t?”

“No.”

“What did you say? Maybe I got it wrong?”

He shrugs. “I didn’t really say anything. It was just something that came up.”

“Do you think Josie felt rushed? I told her that wasn’t my intention, but I only met her a few days ago. I made love to her for the first time yesterday morning and started talking about having kids together in the middle of last night.” When I put it like that, it sounds like the definition of ‘rushed’.

He shakes his head. “She might have thought things were going a little too fast. But I guess there’s only one way to find out… and that’s to ask her.”

It doesn’t take much longer to drive through the city and park in the quiet street outside Josie’s apartment. I’m a little nervous now, but I’m still desperate to see her, to talk to her, and I get out of the car, following Hunter up the steps and onto the balcony.

I feel dizzy again, but this time it’s got nothing to do with my concussion, or the stairs. This time it’s because I’m scared.

Hunter takes charge, leading the way to her front door, where he pauses, looking at me.

“Ready?”

I nod my head, and he knocks. We both wait and after a few seconds, the door opens. Josie’s eyes dart from him to me, and although I have a moment to take in her red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked cheeks, it’s only a moment, before she raises her hand to her mouth and pushes the door closed.

Fortunately, my reactions are fairly quick, and I hold up my hand, resting it against the door, just before it shuts tight, pushing back against it and stepping over the threshold.

“I told you not to shut your door on me,” I whisper and she looks up, blinking back more tears.

“Why are you here?”

“Because I need to know why, Josie. I need to understand why you left me.”

“Don’t say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t say I left you.”

“Why not? It’s what you did. You packed your bags and ran out in the middle of the night without a word. I need to know what I did wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she says.

“Then explain to me why I woke up to an empty bed this morning.”

She stares at me for what feels like a lifetime and then her shoulders drop, like she’s admitting defeat. “You’d better come in.” She steps back, opening the door wide.

“Would you prefer if I waited in the car?” Hunter says, and she looks up at him.

“No. I think I’d like you to stay.”

Personally, I’d rather he left. I have a feeling this conversation could get intimate, and while I seem quite comfortable around my brother, I’m not sure I’m all that comfortable. Still, if Josie wants him here, I’m not going to argue.

We step inside and wait while she closes the door.

Initially, I wonder if she’s going to invite us to sit on her pale gray couch, but she doesn’t. She just stands in front of me and puts her hands in her pockets. Hunter steps back, leaning against the door, leaving the two of us facing each other.

“I’m sorry,” I say before Josie can even open her mouth.

She frowns, shaking her head. “Why are you sorry?”

“I don’t know. But I must have done something to make you leave, and whatever it was, I’m sorry.”

“I—I told you, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then why did you run? I told you yesterday, you’ve gotta stop doing that.”

“This is different.”

“How? Explain it to me.”

She sucks in a breath, pulling one hand from her pocket and pushing her fingers back through her hair. She musses it up and I reach out, pushing a stray strand from her face. Her eyes fix on mine, brimming with unshed tears.

“What is it, Josie? Tell me.”

“Y—You said you wanted us to have children,” she whispers.

“Yes. One day. Not right away. I said, there’s no rush. You didn’t have to…” My brain suddenly switches a gear and I grab her shoulders, holding on to her, grounding myself. “I—I’ve just realized something.”

“What’s that?”

“I don’t know how many times we’ve made love, but I haven’t used a condom, have I? Not once.” I let my head rock back, staring at the ceiling for a moment, before I look back at her. She’s wide-eyed, but I can’t believe this is news to her. “How could I have done that to you? I mean, what the hell is wrong with me? I’m so sorry, Josie.” I turn to Hunter. “Don’t give me any bullshit. I need to know I haven’t put Josie in danger.”

“How the hell am I supposed to tell you that?”

“By answering a straight question for once.”

“What question would that be?”

“Did I used to sleep around?”

Hunter stares at me for a moment and then looks at Josie, just briefly, before returning his gaze to me. “You hadn’t slept with anyone for over a year before the accident.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“And do I have regular medicals?”

“You do.”

“When was the last one?”

He thinks for a moment. “It would have been late June or early July, I think, but I’m sure we can find out.”

“We don’t need to… as long as it was recent and everything was okay.” He nods his head, and I turn back to Josie. “That’s one weight off of my mind. But I still can’t believe I allowed this to happen. Or that I had a conversation with you about having children, and didn’t realize the consequences of what I’d already done.”

“Will you stop panicking?” she says. “There are no consequences.”

“You… you mean you’re on birth control?”

“No.”

“Then I don’t understand.”

“I can’t have children, Drew.”

Her words seem to echo around my head. “You can’t?”

“No.”

“How do you know?” I ask, and she steps away, turning and looking toward the window.

“It’s not something I talk about very often,” she says, her voice little more than a whisper. “But when I was thirteen, I got sick.”

A shiver runs down my spine. “How sick?”

“Very. It started with headaches. They were pretty fierce, but for a while everyone assumed it was because my periods had just started and my hormones were all over the place. After a few months, though, they got worse and my mom took me to see a doctor. I had some tests and a scan, and they found I had a brain tumor.”

“Oh, my God.” I reach out and pull her into my arms, holding her close. She doesn’t object, although she doesn’t hug me back either. I don’t care. The urge to protect her is overwhelming… even if it is ten years too late. After a few minutes, I lean back, although I still keep a hold of her. “What happened?”

“They operated to remove the tumor.”

“So, when you said you spent some time in hospital as a child…”

“Yeah. It was being in the neuro rehab unit for so long that made me decide to become a nurse. I didn’t anticipate going into neurotrauma, but now I have, I love it.”

“I know you do. But what I don’t understand is why something that happened over ten years ago means you can’t have children.”

She tilts her head just slightly, gazing into my eyes. “Because of the chemo.” Her answer seems obvious to her, but it’s only just adding up to me. “It left me infertile.”

That’s such a big word, and it stretches between us, hovering, threatening, like the doubt in her eyes.

“Aside from that, you’re okay now, though… right? The tumor’s gone. It’s not gonna come back?”

“No. I’m fine now.”

“Then why did you leave?”

She frowns. “I’ve just explained.”

“No. You’ve just told me you were really sick when you were a teenager. You haven’t told me why that’s a reason to run away from me in the middle of the night.”

She breaks free of me, and I let her, watching as she steps back, my hands falling to my sides. “Because you want something I can’t give you, and I won’t ruin your life.”

“Ruin my life?”

“Yes. I can’t take this from you.”

“You think having children is more important to me than being with you?” She looks up at me, blinking, and I pull her back into my arms again, cupping her face with one hand while the other rests in the small of her back, holding her against me. “The only way you could ruin my life would be to let this stand in the way of our happiness.”

“But…”

“But nothing. If we can’t have children, then we can’t have children.”

“Y—You said ‘we’,” she whispers.

“Yeah. Because we’re in this together.”

She shakes her head. “No. That’s not right.”

“Why not?”

“Because you can have children.”

“You don’t know that. Not for sure.” She glances at Hunter and then looks back at me. “And even if I could have children, I wouldn’t want them with anyone but you.”

She bursts into tears, loud sobs building somewhere deep inside her, rising to escape her lips.

“I’ll wait in the car,” Hunter says, opening the door and slipping out through it.

I hold Josie’s head against my chest, stroking her hair as she weeps and weeps.

“Hey… baby…” She looks up, tears still flowing, and I smile down at her. “Don’t cry. Please. It’ll be okay. I love you. I can’t lose you.”

“But what if you change your mind?”

“About loving you? It’s more likely that hell will freeze over.”

“I meant, what if you change your mind about having children?”

“It still won’t change how I feel about you.”

“You really mean that?”

“Yes. If we decide we want to have children in the future, we’ll find a way.”

“There is no medical way for me to make that dream come true.”

“I know. I get that. But there are other options. I just wish you’d told me, rather than running away.”

“You know I’m not allowed to tell you anything.”

I lean back, looking down at her. “But this is about you, not about me. Surely the rules don’t apply.”

A pop of red flushes on her cheeks. “N—No, they don’t.”

“Okay… so next time, talk to me.”

“Next time? Y—You want me to come back with you?”

“Of course I do. You’re my family.” I pull her closer, moving my hand behind her head and I dust my lips across hers, swallowing her whimper as I deepen the kiss.